- Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.
- Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.
- Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.
- Remove any cross necklaces.
- Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).
- Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.
- Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.
- Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.
- Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.
- Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.
*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. You should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!
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October 27th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Ha! Love it.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:23 am
Lol. I love your disclaimer.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
very smart! lol but garlic just makes them taist better! mmmmmmmmmm but other then that! I love it! xxoo bite bitte!
November 30th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I actually dated a vampire and believe me, the sex alone was worth it!! I have no solid proof he was a vampire, but there were tell-tale signs. But being with him made me realize what all the mystery’s about and understand the appeal of Twilight.
November 3rd, 2012 at 9:00 pm
My girlfriend is a vampire, when she bites me it hurts but at the same time she rides me so it feels a ton better. I love when she eats me when shes horny. Whenever I get cuts she sucks the blood and its really hard for her to stop so i just let her continue. Whenever she orgasms she squeals really loud and she starts shaking and she squirts all over my dick. It feels amazing being screwed by a vampire, all the force and compassion in the sex! Mmm. I love it! I love having sex with a vampire, ill never leave my girlfriend because shes so forceful in bed. She could really hurt me if she needed to. But she wouldnt because she enjoys my cock.