SELFISH sex is the worst. The guy who gets off and does NOTHING for the woman. Once knew a guy who would spend about 1 minute “fingering the goods,” never went South of the Border, and then would spend half the time during intercourse, good naturedly saying, “Someone coming?” I wanted to yell out, “Maybe, but it ain’t ME!” Just what did he think he was doing that would have……Oh, never mind. He’s LONG ago history.

A certain amount of self absorption is necessary in sex. But, likewise a certain amount of empathy and Doing for One’s Lover is just as necessary.

Ever see a really OLD stag film? Where the woman looks totally bored, is obvious she is getting nothing out of it, and isn’t even bothering to fake it? And the man doesn’t even seem to NOTICE? That’s similar to the BAD sex I am talking about. It sucks for you, and your partner doesn’t even know it.

Oh, and the second worst kind is when the guy is “I’m so drunk and so horny.” and just as you start to get into it he….ZZZZZZZZ. UG. Hell, I wake him up to finish the job. I believe one shouldn’t start a job one isn’t going to finish.

One form of bad sex? When you’re too young or otherwise not ready for it. This can obviously include being forced into it but can also include forcing yourself because, say, you think you should or you think you won’t get another opportunity.

(James mentioned the archetypal drunken husband. I’m also thinking of the archetypal fathers, uncles, or even frat brothers who used to… and I hear sometimes still do… take very young men to brothels to “initiate” them or otherwise “make a man” of them. They think they’re doing the young man a favor but — based on my own near miss in 7th grade with some older neighbor boys who said the girl they knew was better than the women their fathers took them to — it can create lasting anxiety.)

On a more prosaic level bad sex is sex when you’re each doing it for the other, it’s gone on too long, for whatever reason neither of you is going to come, and you’re both waiting for the other to finish and wondering how long they’re going to take.

On a more one-sided note, it was bad sex when your partner says either “are you done yet” or, after, “did you come?”

And on a humorous-only-in-retrospect note, it can be bad sex when the partner you rendezvous with right after she got off work had spent the afternoon chopping habanero peppers. It’s a good reminder that kink involves a lot of intentionality and planning, as opposed to one partner saying “ow, ow, what the heck, I’m burning up” followed by the other’s “arrrrr it’s on me too!”

figleaf

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”