photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ve got a totally bitchin’ week ahead of you. But make sure you take a chill pill before going out if you want to score with the bodacious babes and way cool guys. If you’re all like, “Cool beans!” you’ll only attract the batcavers and dweebs in Izod shirts. As if! Gag us with a spoon. You need to be more like, “Whatever, dude.”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Go to the gym. Oh, just freaking do it already.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“Hot, powerful and enticing” best describes what you’ll be like this week. We swear, that’s a direct quote from the stars. What was that Kissinger said about power being an aphrodisiac? He was right on the money.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Things will get better as the week progresses. Try to have patience if the person you’ve been jonesing for hasn’t been too receptive. We hate to say it, but if you play a little hard to get, it will probably help. We’re stopping short of suggesting you send yourself flowers with a saucy little card from your imaginary luvva in the hopes that your true beloved sees this and suddenly realizes that yes, you are the person they are supposed to marry, mate, grow old with, and die next to.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will meet a perfect candidate for love, but only if you take a class in multi-culturalism.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll be inclined to get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons this week. You know, the usual: No plans for the weekend; six months since you got laid; urge to cuddle; desire to make your ex jealous; desire to please your parents; fear of dying alone, etc. We can’t promise that you won’t die alone (hey, we bet you know some mean and nasty Virgos who deserve to die alone, so if we promised that here, it wouldn’t mean a thing). But we can promise that any relationship you enter into in this state will come back and bite you in the ass within the month. And hey, if we’re wrong, you won’t care, because you’ll be in a great relationship that’s not biting you in the ass. So everyone wins!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Not to freak you out or anything, but the soulmate clock is ticking, the Jeopardy theme song is winding down, the hotties are all pairing off, it’s less than a month till prom, and YOU DON’T HAVE A DATE. You can’t afford a night in; put those drinks on the credit card and paint this town red.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your quick response to others and your opportunistic approach to life will attract just the type of partner you want this week. It’s kind of like high school all over again, but not so much fun. You’ll make fun of the kid with the limp and everyone will just roar with laughter, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll break out your impression of the retarded guy who works at the deli and everyone will think you’re sooooo funny, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll poke fun at our outfits and they’ll be talking for years about your sophisticated wit, and how everyone knew at just that moment that you and the hottie in the corner were meant for each other. Don’t bother inviting us to the wedding. (This week’s Scorpio horoscope brought to you by the letters P, M and S.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may be pushing yourself too hard. Hence, you’ll feel under the weather. Not optimal conditions for “making sweet music.” So don’t feel that you have to do something that you may not want to do. For instance, if you’ve got the sniffles, don’t put on that gimp mask. And if you’re on the Pepto . . . well, need we say more?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can’t fight this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. If you have to crawl upon the floor, go crushing through their door, baby, you can’t fight this feeling anymore.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes a straight-up, no-BS approach to seduction is more effective than all the rules and bouquets and notes passed in class. In fact, as a general rule, we recommend the straight-up, no-BS approach all the time. Avoid cheeseball lines and just say what you’re thinking — assuming that what you’re thinking is “You’re totally hot, can I talk to you?” and not “You’ll do, wanna go?”

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Did you know there’s a new online electronics site that’s giving away free top-of-the line digital cameras to the first 500,000 people to register? And if you believe that, we’ve got some land in Florida we think you might be interested in. Someone may take advantage of this trust that you give out like a religious freak handing out heaven pamphlets on the subway. Open your eyes.