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How Not to Regret Your Holiday Office Party in 4 Easy Steps

Tue, Dec 15, 2009

Advice, How To

xerox_machine_photocopierphoto by iLoveButter

We’ve both worked from home for more than five years, which means that we’ve been deprived of the Curb-Your-Enthusiasm-esque pleasure-meets-pain of holiday office party shenanigans. (We did make a festive trip together to the local Christmas tree farm, but there was no Xerox machine there for us to disgrace ourselves on.) So, help us live vicariously — and help your fellow EMandLO.com readers learn from your mistakes — by telling us the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done at a holiday office party. If it happened under the mistletoe (or on the Xerox machine, you dirty bird) then we really want to know about it. In the meantime, as we’ve got nothing juicy to share (especially as we gave up our party trick of making out with each other back in the ’90s), here’s a cheat sheet for your holiday office party season, after the jump…

1. Before you make out with your co-worker…
Are you prepared to spend the rest of your time in this job avoiding this person at the water cooler and ducking behind the office plant every time you see him coming? We didn’t think so. Because if this guy suddenly seems to be in front of you, we’re guessing he’s been harboring a secret crush for the past year and has been waiting to catch you under the mistletoe. And when he finds out it was just the mulled wine doing the kissing? Awkward.

2. Before you overindulge at the open bar…
Don’t forget that your boss is probably so terrified of embarrassing him- or herself in front of the underlings that they stopped after two drinks. Which means that what seems to you like a long-awaited bonding moment is actually, in their much more sober memory, something much more slurred and embarrassing. And that bear hug was probably much more awkward than it seemed to you at the time.

3. Before your don your favorite Forever 21 micro-mini dress…
You still have to go back to the office the next day. Do you really want your boss or co-workers to forever associate you with a wardrobe malfunction? Because trust us, no matter how fast you whip out those Excel spreadsheets, if you accidentally bared a bit too much flesh at the holiday office party, that’s all anyone will ever remember you for.

4. Oh yeah, and about that photocopier…
If you’re drunk enough to think this is a good idea, then you’re also drunk enough to accidentally leave the print-outs in the tray for someone to find the next morning. Also, that glass isn’t as sturdy as it looks. And trust us when we say that no one looks good from this angle. Plus, the photocopier is such a cliche. If you’re going to embarrass yourself at the party, at least be original about it so that it’s a funny story the next day. There’s nothing funny about a broken, smeared photocopier — just ask the poor dude who is going to have to fix it. But if you do decide to hump the Xerox machine? Come back and tell us about it and all will be forgiven.

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