Last week we covered¬†the best love lessons that people could learn from Sundance Festival movies. But kids are people, too — people with raging hormones and tendencies toward the melodramatic and a whole hell of a lot of ignorance thanks to abstinence-only education. So this week we’re looking at the best movies for romantic advice for the after-school-special set:
- Adventureland: Sex in a car is never as private as you think it is.¬†Neither is sex with a married man.
- American Teen: When you’re in the cool clique in high school, life is¬†totally like a chick flick. Even when you’re not cool, life is still¬†sometimes like a chick flick. But in real life, the jock is always going¬†to dump the rebel punk filmmaker for the ditzy cheerleader. Bring on¬†college!
- Towelhead: The world would be a much better place if all pubescent girls¬†were given a vulva puppet to love and cherish, a box of tampons, and a¬†copy of Are We Having Fun Yet: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex.
- An Education: A romantic weekend in Paris is much better with a peer who¬†owns a bicycle than with a mentor who drives a cool, fast car.
- Saved! In the entire history of human beings, no gay man has ever been¬†”turned straight” by being seduced by a woman (even when that woman has¬†Jesus on her side). And remember, even though you’re gay, you can still¬†get her pregnant. Oh, and if you don’t want your mom to find your stash of¬†gay porn, then find a better hiding place than under your bed. Jeez.