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Comment of the Week: Dug-Up Dirt Is Inadmissible Evidence

Wed, Jan 13, 2010

Comment of the Week, Confessions

photo by kodomut
Sometimes our comments of the week are really funny, sometimes they’re extremely informative. This week, we thought this one would be good fodder for debate:

Bit of a broad question… it’s like asking “Do men cheat?” Some men do, some men don’t, some women do, some women don’t.¬†I dumped my GF hard and fast for snooping on me a few months back.¬†Two words: inadmissible evidence. I will not even discuss whatever a woman may find if she snoops on me. I immediately shut the discussion down and break up. Even if she makes her way back into my life, she will never, ever get closure from me regarding what what she saw. That’s my default policy on snooping: inadmissible evidence. You don’t even have the right to mention it to me.

Johnny, commenting on “Wise Guys: Do Men Snoop on Their Partners?” Please to discuss:

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11 Responses to “Comment of the Week: Dug-Up Dirt Is Inadmissible Evidence”

  1. Dannie Says:

    Good plan. It saves face if she finds out you’re cheating on her: not only does the issue never have to reach resolution, but you get to break up with her instead of her breaking up with you. Simplifies things and keeps you from really looking like a douche-nugget. Beautiful execution of transference of blame.

  2. Spes Says:

    Forget that. If a guy snoops on me, I totally want him to bring whatever he found to my attention. Yes, I’ll be upset that he didn’t try to talk to me about it first. And yes, I’ll be upset that he violated my privacy. BUT, if we don’t discuss the issues they’ll never be resolved. And I have to ask myself why is it that he didn’t feel comfortable talking with me and instead felt the need to snoop. Am I being receptive and showing that I’m reasonable enough to bring concerns to? But that aside, if he thinks he’s found something, I want to know his interpretation and have the chance to address the perceived problem. Especially the underlying issue that motivated him to snoop in the first place. The relationship may need to be dissolved or not, but I’m not about to end a relationship in emotional haste because of a bout of insecurity on my partner’s part.

    And also there’s no such thing as inadmissible evidence in a relationship. Truth is truth, regardless of the source. Claiming that and getting angry over it is just a petty way of redirecting the conversation so one doesn’t have to face the fact that they screwed up. Instead it would be better to address the screw-up and resolve it, and then address the snooping issue–SEPARATELY.

  3. Johnny Says:

    Oh boy… I’m gonna get it for this one.

    About the first comment: I don’t cheat on my girl, so that scenario isn’t really one I face. In the instance I mentioned, my then-gf dug up info on a girl from my past who she was jealous of. She did it by snooping through my email.

    In addition to dumping her for violating my privacy, it was about a personality issue. I respect and value discretion. I don’t ask about her exes. I don’t pry into her past. If she wants to hold something back, keep it to herself, that’s her right. Who wants to know everything, anyway? A little mystery’s attractive in a woman.

    I want a woman who feels the same way – who doesn’t ask when she knows I don’t want to tell, and who would never dream of prying open parts of my life that I’m trying to keep closed.

  4. Frank Says:

    I always feel torn between a right to privacy and the notion that if there is no fault, there is nothing to hide, and thus nothing to fear. I’d like to think my relationships fall somewhere in the middle; trust as if they’ll never snoop, and behave as if they’ll find out everything.

  5. Dannie Says:

    Johnny, don’t take it so hard. I get where you’re coming from (and I’m not being ironic this time). I just had to say something for all of those people out there without your circumstances and personal priorities (everyone wants something different in a relationship), who would take your comment and use it for evil. There are guys and girls who would sleep around, and see the snooping as the only wrong. I, personally, think just -talking- to someone, if it’s a strong relationship, is the best way to go; if you feel you have to snoop, it’s a sure sign that something is wrong, and it may not be what you’re snooping about. As for the snooped-upon–if you’re doing wrong and get caught, snooping does not nullify the wrong. Period. It may, however, reveal that the relationship needs to end, because the communication is lacking, there isn’t enough trust, and someone has betrayed that trust.

    For some, that trust (the kind that depends on unquestioned privacy) is huge, like for you. If you’re being snooped-upon, then clearly you feel that there isn’t enough trust to substantiate a good relationship, and so yes–you need to dissolve the bond. But for some, the circumstances are different, the relationship’s dynamics are different, and thus it would call for a different approach.

  6. Shewolf68 Says:

    So if a woman finds out that on your internet history, or under your bed you have spank mags of guys dicking each other, she has no right to say anything to you? Sounds like it gives you carte blanche to be a grade A A-hole.

    I would hope if a woman discovered that or something similiar…she wouldn’t care what your policy is and leave your sorry duplicitous ass where she last saw you!

  7. Richard Says:

    Well, a couple of things. My personal creed is that if you go looking for trouble and find it, that’s your problem. So, if you snoop on a BF or GF and find something, you need to take a step back and figure out how serious the relationship is and then make a decision at that time. I know age is no delimiter, but young people tend to be more, well, experimental, than older or more settled people typically are. At least that was true in my case. No matter what my situation was, if the opportunity presented itself, even if I was the instigator, it happened. By not being in the top 10% in looks or $$, I had the rest of the world as a playground. (The basic rule I found was that top-10%ers went after each other first and the rest of us second. Sure, I managed a few, but mostly I was quite content with the other 90% of the real world…very low maint. and more fun, too.) How content? Well, let‚Äôs just say that if Tiger is a ‚Äúsex addict‚ÄĚ with 15, what would you call someone with 300+?

    OK, now, personal story. In looking for something one day in my house, I STUMBLED UPON bad news. Unfortunately, it happened when we were older, married, with a child. No, things had not been good (her problem) for a while, but I was brought up to believe that once you said those vows you were bound to them, given that you were not with an axe murderer, etc. She had other ideas. This is exactly why I had a fun youth–so I could settle down as an adult, and that only came VERY LATE (45) in my life and hers (40). I realize that some out there reading this don’t believe that people that old are alive, but we ain’t no different than 18, just wiser. You’ll figure it out when you get there. Anyway, confront I did, and we gave it a go, but now it is over and, like Rod Stewart, I had to buy her a house.

    So, I still maintain that if the relationship is not serious, don’t go looking for trouble if you don’t want to find it. If it is serious–married or the like–and you happen to find trouble, go after it. Those vows have to mean something. Is this a double standard??

  8. Me Says:

    If you are in the wrong, then you have done wrong. No matter who finds out certain information and in whatever manner.. the person who cheats is bad… plain and simple.

  9. Ellie Says:

    I, out of sheer intuition,opened a drawer of my BF and found evidence he cheated on me, this was extremely painful and as yet I have not decided what to do. Yes I snooped but found the truth,I would rather this happen now than find out a few more years down the line….Cheating is wrong….snooping, I think , means the person being cheated on already knows something is wrong…

  10. lovely87 Says:

    If people didn’t lie and give other people reason to doubt then snooping wouldn’t happen… period

  11. Johnny Says:

    You are dead wrong, lovely87. Some people are curious, nosy, suspicious… there will always be snoops.

    But let me differentiate between a snoop and a raid.

    Snooping is unwarranted. No evidence, or only circumstatial evidence, to suggest fault.

    In a raid, you’re quite convinced something’s wrong, and YOU INTEND TO BREAK IT OFF when you find proof.

    See, too many women think they can dig up stuff that’s really none of their business (like the aforementioned porn mags), and give you shit about it indefinitely. Or demand that you change.

    Richard’s got the right idea. You looked for trouble, and you found it. Now that’s YOUR problem. Deal with it privately. Don’t drag me into it. Assess your findings, and decide privately whether you can deal with them. Then either break up, or just shut up about it.


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