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Dear Em & Lo: I Love Sex! Does That Make Me a Slut?

Fri, Jan 8, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

Dear Em & Lo,

Lately, my need for sex has been UNQUENCHABLE. It’s reached the point where I’ve roped two booty calls into alternating nights. Am I a slut for doing this? I’m worried that I’m becoming addicted to sex — and I’m only 23! I’ve always had a high sex drive but I’ve never felt this sexually driven EVER and I just don’t know how to handle it! Also, masturbation just doesn’t do the trick — I need the real thing, an actual body pressed up against mine. Is there something wrong with me?

– Rizzo

Dear Rizzo,

First of all, with your permission, we’d like to enter your letter as evidence in the on-going debate about female vs male libido. Because too many people still refuse to believe that there are some women out there — not all, admittedly, but some — whose sex drives compare with or even surpass the average male sex drive. And, unfortunately, it’s because of outmoded attitudes like this that you are left asking us if it makes you a slut to satisfy your high sex drive. Can you even imagine a guy writing us the same letter?

It is totally completely normal to have a high sex drive. In fact, we think it’s kind of awesome! (Plenty of women we know would love to want sex as much as you do, and to enjoy it as much as you obviously do.) And having consensual, safe sex as often as you feel like doesn’t make you a slut. (Can we just abandon this outdated and offensive term once and for all?!) As long as the following 3 things apply to you, we see nothing wrong with your booty call set-up:

  1. You feel good about the sex, both physically and emotionally.
  2. You are responsible when it comes to taking precautions against pregnancy and STD transmission.
  3. You are honest with your partners and sensitive to their physical and emotional needs.

In other words: Make sure you are being as safe and communicative as you can — and demand the same from your partners. Always use condoms correctly. A back-up form of birth control would be great, too! Be honest both about your sexual history and how much commitment you do — or don’t — expect. Use condoms. Don’t lie to or mislead someone to get them into bed. Did we mention condoms?

That said, you should know that condoms don’t protect you from everything, so do ask and do tell about STDs. And understand that with every additional person you sleep with, your risk increases (more so for women than for men, unfortunately — life sucks like that sometimes). That’s not to say your virgin friend won’t get herpes the first time she has sex, but the more people you sleep with, the more STDs you’re likely to be exposed to.¬† So if you are going to curb your numbers, do it for your sexual health, not because of some stupid epithet. On a side note, this is a pretty good reason to have a steady, exclusive booty call relationship with someone else who just wants a bit of saucy fun.

As far as sex addiction goes, from the (albeit limited) info you’ve given us, it doesn’t sound to us like you’re addicted — it just sounds like you’re a 23-year-old woman thoroughly embracing life — and, in particular, her sex life. And in many ways, what you are doing is far more emotionally healthy than the 23-year-old woman who has casual sex with someone in the hopes that it will lead to a relationship. But if #1 above does not apply to you, if you feel like the sex is compulsive — you have to have it, even when you know you shouldn’t — and it’s adversely affecting other aspects of your life, then that IS a problem and you should definitely seek help from a professional therapist or counselor, or perhaps a support group like Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, or Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.

If, however, you would simply like to have less partner sex — to try to limit your exposure to STDs, to decrease your chances of an unplanned pregnancy, or, alas, to avoid getting a “reputation” (we must admit that just because we know the notion is ridiculous doesn’t mean unenlightened Neanderthals do too) — then check out the advice we gave to a woman recently on improving masturbation. Your self love seshes don’t need to be blah simply because a vibrator can’t talk dirty or spoon. Of course, it’s still not quite the same as hands on a hard body (one that can talk dirty and spoon and even look deep into your eyes to make a brief but intense human connection), but perhaps it’ll help you cut down to just one booty call, if that’s your goal.

In the meantime, be safe, but never be sorry! Because it was true in 1978, and it’s still true today: There are worse things you could do than go with a boy or two (or, er, twenty).

Pink Ladies,

Em & Lo

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7 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo: I Love Sex! Does That Make Me a Slut?”

  1. Regina Says:

    I too am a woman who would be perfectly happy having sex everyday if I could. I used to worry about it, but I’ve found partners who really enjoy my sex drive. I promise you’ll find a partner to match your drive. Enjoy it!!!
    Your advice is great! Always be careful and feel good about what you’re doing and you’ll be fine. (I’ve also found that switching up my toys seems to help as well…..)

  2. Madamoiselle L Says:

    The Man I married has a crazy high sex drive. It works for us, we’re a matched set. The only time it was a problem was after I had had the babies (for about a year each) and when I was on Depo Provera. We had a joke, the Man and I, that the reason Depo is such a good form of birth control is that the women NEVER wants to have sex! Aside from that….

  3. Seashell Says:

    Sex is joyful, and should be celebrated as such.

    If it makes you happy, do it, if not, don’t. It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you’re the only one who knows how you feel.

    Also, re the male vs female sex drive thing- I would like to suggest that the negative messages about sex actually contribute to and perpetuate the problem. E.g. if a woman is told she isn’t allowed to have a high sex drive, she won’t, therefore, people think women don’t, then women who do have a high sex drive think they’re ‘abnormal’ and don’t feel able to say anything, and the cycle continues.

    My sex drive has actually increased since I started to let go of some of the negative stuff I’ve picked up over the years.

  4. BCofUIMhere Says:

    Celebrate and enjoy your high sex drive. I too was blessed with a large libido, although I didn’t realize it was a blessing when I was your age, 20 years ago. (A guy I was with once actually shoved me to the floor and screamed, “Get off me, you f’ing nymphomaniac!”). My sex drive has increased with age. Until I find a partner who can handle my needs, masturbation is my outlet and I do it a couple times a day every day.

    Protect your safety both sexually and physically – be safe and be happy.

  5. Ryan Says:

    The “ongoing debate” about the female libido vs. the male libido was skewed from the start. As a man with many male friends and acquaintances, I don’t know any men who alternate booty calls.

    Men may think about sex more, but I think they actually act on it less since the dawn of Sex and the City-type feminista sex. “We want to be women who have sex like men.” Only men never had sex like that.

    See Susie Bright’s article “Men Who Love Burgers and Loathe Sex” http://www.alternet.org/sex/37642/.

    The pendulum has shifted ladies. Rather than equality, third-wave feminism has created a system of matriarchy. Data from study after study show that women under 30 surpass men in all measurable areas: they make more money than men in all big cities, employment, life expectancy, college enrollment and graduation, etc. And now they surpass men in sexual satisfaction and being in touch with their bodies. Congratulations.

  6. valann Says:

    I also have a very high sex drive as i get older the much i want good sex and im 57 woman. if i could have sex 24/7 i would! Never felt this great about sex always surpress my feelings. now i just need to learn how to meet others (male/females) with my high drive.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Super hot. You should offer to have a threesome with them, they might enjoy it.


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