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Spank Tuesday Wise Guys: Why Do Men Like to Spank in Bed?

Tue, Jan 5, 2010

Advice, Wise Guys

spank_pancake_buttphoto by calistan

Advice from three of our guy friends on the day we’re declaring “Spank Tuesday” (tune in later this afternoon for more spanking-good-time posts). This week they answer the following: Why do guys like to spank their partners in bed?

james_glazebrook_100Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): I really took one for the team here. In the interest of sexual science and sound advice, I carried out some field research with the missus. My findings: I can’t write left-handed; a back makes a good clipboard-rest; and spanking… is…… awesome! No doubt it’s wrong on some level, linked to man’s sublimated urge to dominate women — to punish them, to control them, to baby them (with all the creepiness that insinuates). But hey, it’s fun, it’s harmless (at least when you have my upper body strength), and it works both ways. Any guy that won’t let you spank them — they’re the ones you have to watch out for.

jon_rossGay Married Guy (Jon Ross): While I’ve certainly engaged in the act a few times, performing as both the spanker and the spankee, I can’t really say that spanking really gets me going. However, I am a man and have a few theories about why some like it. It’s pretty simple: power. Without getting too psychoanalytical here, spanking puts the power in our hands, literally. And while most men wouldn’t dream of harming a woman, spanking lets us get out some of that bottled up aggression in a safe, hopefully sexy way! So ladies, if you like it, let ‘er rip! We all you know you hold all the power in the relationship anyway.

chris_diclericoStraight Single Guy (Chris): I’m not sure guys love spanking their partners. Sure, we love spanking if you love spanking, and most guys will do whatever it takes to feel powerful, confident, and manly in bed. Spanking is an easy way to do that. But really, I think spanking is a gateway behavior — an icebreaker to other more adventurous things. It seems to me that spanking, or more accurately, establishing spanking as ok, during sex is one of the best ways to add other fun boundary-pushing “enhancements,”like new positions, dirty talk, facials, photography, etc. I would argue that girls are far dirtier than boys, but far more sensitive to feeling slutty. The fear of being a slut is a barrier to more erotic sex. So you’ve got to ease into things. Spanking is safe but dirty, slightly slutty but cute. I would recommend to any guy looking to add to their sex life to start by spanking and then use that adventurous mood to introduce some other things, whatever unusual thing you are into.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is¬†James Glazebrook of¬†Manflet, our Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico, and our Gay Married Guy is¬†Jon Ross of Boerum Hill Blog. To ask the guys your own question,¬†click here.

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29 Responses to “Spank Tuesday Wise Guys: Why Do Men Like to Spank in Bed?”

  1. Slartibartfast Says:

    My response to this question is “I didn’t know we did.” Perhaps I’ve suppressed my desire but I really don’t feel a predilection in that direction. Of course, I readily accept that others might but I don’t share the attraction. My last roommate and his fiance, however, seemed to be quite enthusiastic practitioners. I wish I didn’t know that.

  2. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Chris said: “The fear of being a slut is a barrier to more erotic sex. So you‚Äôve got to ease into things.” AMEN to that, Chris.

    As girls and young women, we were “trained” that only “sluts” enjoyed sex. I was raised Catholic and was basically told, “It hurts, you won’t like it, but you have to do it to have babies and keep your husband. The Church says so.” WOW! Talk about an introduction (my only one my mother gave me, after I came home crying after a friend told me “men pee in your cunt to feel good, and married people have to do that.” (I didn’t even know what a “cunt” was.)

    Too many women can be so many different people, but are afraid to “let go” in the bedroom. I think, if their man uses words like “slut” in a negative fashion, they are even more afraid. (In our house, it’s a term of endearment. At least when the kids aren’t around.)

    Why do men like to spank? Because we squeal! (and some of us giggle) It gets a reaction, and I think that says it all….

  3. Kren Affeldt Says:

    It spurs me into active submissive behavior, provoking me to be more involved. So I have to agree completely with Chris. No doubt it does build up a confidence in men. When I react positively to it, most men seem to be more relaxed to be more aggressive.

  4. figleaf Says:

    I’d challenge implication that men like spanking more than women. When I first started blogging nearly five years ago men’s reluctance to do it was a big topic of conversation among women who blogged about sex. That was one complaint and another was about partner’s half-hearted or half-assed compliance with requests.

    That said it seems to have become a bit of a cliche in mainstream porn so it’s possible that enough copycat men are doing it to justify the question’s phrasing.

    Speaking for myself, while I’ve done a little bit of spanking with partners I was generally pretty freaked about it — enough so early on to have bailed out of a relationship with someone who suggested she’d get her former boyfriend to spank her. And yeah, that was probably ignorant and certainly intolerant. But I’m also pretty sure I’m not… or at least I wasn’t… the only man to feel that way.

    The good news, having met with and listened to and read spanking advocates like Rachel Kramer Bussel, is that there’s just a lot more information about it out there now. And, assuming everyone’s willing, there’s broad, informed consensus that it can be a lot of fun.

    But as pretty much all advocates of spanking will tell you, if you give it a try and you don’t like it? Find something else to do with your partner, or if necessary find a new partner.

    figleaf

  5. Aubrey Says:

    MY ex-husband like to spank me hard randomly because I would flinch and clench when he did it so he said it felt better for him. I however would be in pain and hated it so now I can’t stand it. So guys beware why you do it…

  6. Bettyboo Says:

    `Aubrey – good for you getting rid of that guy! Sounds like a right *expletion deleted* ! I like spanking play with my BF, at my request as it had been a fantasy of mine for a long time, and he knows the difference between creating a pleasant tingle in a bit of role play and causing me pain which is a definite no-no for me. With this kind of play consent and communication are everything. I hope you find/have found someone better :0)

  7. Marilyn Says:

    My husband loves to see the ripple of my tight butt (he says), kind of like watching the ripple of a stone tossed in water. I just like the sound and feel of it. We do it to one another, it’s part of our sex.

  8. Spankoz Says:

    What is done in the spanking world is solely between those doing it , as long as they are adults and it is consensual . Some would also add ” sane ” here , but who know what that means now ?

  9. TS Says:

    A little spank goes a long way to opening you and your partner up to some raunchier, more erotic adventures. But I once had a guy who pushed the envelope a bit too far and treated my poor ass like a set of bongos.

    Sheesh, give ‘em an inch, they take a mile.

  10. Eighteen for the 25th time Says:

    What a great intro to this site. While I may be a bit more “mature” than the average Em and Lo fan, I still feel eighteen.

    If my bf of 18 months didn’t spank me, he’d be banished. It’s consensual, little else matters. Oh, and it does open doors for forays into the world of really interesting sex.

    I long for a really well-insulated bedroom.

  11. A-Non Says:

    I’ve come up with three reasons.

    (1) Because most women love it. To be in an embrace with my man when he says, “I want to spank you…”. Wow!! I get turned on by that. The spanking itself is another turnon. (Spanking stimulates the same nerves as sexual activity.) As they say, “A fire on my backside lights up one up front.”

    (2) Most men mention the visual appeal of watching her buns turn from white to pink. I think there may be something evolutionary in that. Red indicating readiness in other primate species. So men have evolved to like a bit of color, but women’s rears don’t naturally produce the color as women don’t need to advertise readiness like other species.

    (3) There must be a power element to its appeal. Men find it fun to wrestle a little, especially if they expect to win, and with a woman they typically have a great physical advantage and are almost guaranteed to win. If you start out with her in a physically disadvantageous position, then he is guaranteed to dominate. Both men and women find this appealing. I see him as more manly than usual when I am in a spanking position.

  12. Venus Says:

    Although, some people like it. I preferably do not. I am more of a lover and love Kama Sutra positions. I like to get into it then make myself get into it if you know what I mean.

  13. marian Says:

    Why is it that when something is explained it is from a white person’s POV? There are more colors on theis planet than pink people. This thing about a man likes to see the color of the woman’s buttock’s turn pink or something, well what about what turn’s an African American man on about spanking? Surely not her ass turning pink, because it definetly is not going to turn PINK?????

  14. Jackie Says:

    Marian, shut up. Ok back to spanking. I think my behind has a target on it because every single man I have had some sort of relationship with has either smacked my butt or threatened to. There is nothing wrong with it and even though I’m scared of a real spanking by a man because it would hurt, there is something sooooo sexy about a man who says he is going to spank me when I am being a naughty girl. Which in my case, happens quite often ;) During sex it is nice but I wouldn’t want a man to go over board and hurt me.

  15. Dorey Says:

    Marian, I think you make an excellent point and that the evolutionary aspect, if there is one, has little to do with color. Personally, I as a woman find little excitement in the idea of being physically hurt during sex in any way. My spankings in the past have led to bruises and lasting discomfort, while tweaked and bitten nipples give me a sense almost of nausea, as though there were a direct connection between my areolas and my stomach. However, I understand that my sexual desires and fantasies are not representative of everyone, and it is apparently not uncommon to enjoy some pain/pleasure ambiguity. But why do men enjoy INFLICTING that pain? That’s the question I googled to get here. Is dominance the verdict?

  16. Bimbim Says:

    If the man enjoy’s what about the ladeis? Sex is somethn both partners should enjoy and we don’t need to be violent about it. In conclusion.. Alwys ask your partner if he or she likes being spank during sex.

  17. chrissy Says:

    My husband says he likes the way my butt bounces when he spanks me. I will have to admit I love when he does it. It is a huge turn on. Especially when he grabs hand fulls in between the spankings. Like someone else said above I think its the noise we make when they do it. Everybody knows men like their women to be vocal during sex. But not to the extreme(when they shove a pillow over ur face) hope this helped :)

  18. TheRealMe Says:

    I’m a black woman engaged to a black man & I love it when he smacks my butt. He does so when we are out of the bedroom and it warms me up for the bedroom. He doesn’t see my butt turn pink, since I’m already a wonderful chocolately brown. But he loves to smack my butt just the same. I think in our case he likes it because it puts me in a very submissive mood & that is sexy to both of us!

  19. Mariama Says:

    <3 i just love it.

  20. Mariama Says:

    i am 25years old,married to a 26 years man,and i think it’s important to express all my fantasies when having sex with my husband,im always asking him to spank me softly,cauz just hearing this little noise exciting me.. Aww :)

  21. Nicole Says:

    I love it. Im 25, in a relationship and nothing turns me on more than rough housing. It is probably the single gesture that IMMEDIATELY snaps me into being wildly turned on. From a psychoanalytical/ecolutionary standpoint i sm just a woman that loves
    feeling dominated and being made submissive in an Ann Darrow (King Kong ref.) way. Socially, i am very outgoing and a strong woman so, go figure. It’s a total must have for me personally in the bedroom.

  22. beny Says:

    i have learnt alot i think i need to give a try

  23. falupe Says:

    It is a turn on. A fantasy easily turned into a reality. Who knows the psychological reasons. When done it is fleeting and sometimes embarrassing. I aint no marqui de sade but I ain’t no fraud…”You can be in my dream if I can be in yours” (paraphrase Bob Dylan)

  24. Thespakingover Says:

    I am a girl, and I am the one who requested spanking. And my reason for that is very simple.

    It has nothing to do with power, punishment or the kind. It’s simply butt worship. I want him to show his love of my butt in a way that I can feel. Spanking is passion.

  25. Rose Says:

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be spanked by my husband. It’s a huge turn on. He likes it because I like it. I love the feeling of my butt being hot after, theres nothing better than a hot and red ass during sex! He doesn’t spank me during sex, he spanks me before.

  26. Name Withheld Says:

    Mother Nature uses spanking as part of her strategy to reproduce life by any means necessary. Bare bottom spanking is the gateway to a woman’s vagina.

    Spanking is both a primitive and universally understood language between men and women. It is a signal of male dominance and virility. These were highly desirable traits at a time when survival of the fittest was of paramount importance.

    Physiologically, spanking guarantees a woman will lubricate. This facilitates penetration. Psychologically, it makes a woman more submissive. She is more likely to be receptive after being spanked.

    The old behaviors, passed from generation to generation, still survive. As a result, at one time or another, most men still contemplate how a woman would behave if spanked. On the other side of things, it is not uncommon for women to wonder how a man would go about doing it.

  27. emandlo Says:

    Thanks for your comment Name Withheld but — and we say this with love — your evo psych argument kind of falls apart when you consider all the straight men who love to be spanked.

  28. cronin Says:

    I have never wished to be spanked in bed–or any other time—Our sex like is very good and our marriage is very good—-but once in a while for something extra serious—I get my bare butt paddled by my wife—Its totally consenting and i sure got it coming—BUT MY BUTT HURTS Do not fantisize about getting spanked/ paddled it hurts and there are a million better ways to have sexual expression—-God! I hate the pain of a bare paddling! and i got it coming


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