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Comment of the Week – Can Married People Have Opposite-Sex Friends?

Wed, Feb 10, 2010

Comment of the Week, Confessions

photo by stevendepolo

Let’s clarify that question: Can/should straight married people have opposite-sex friends? Which begs the question, can/should gay married people have same-sex friends? These questions were inspired by the following recent comment:

I have found that even though I’ve been married for years, I never spend time alone with my husband’s male friends, even men who are part of a couple that my husband and I are super close to. We can have plenty of friendly banter when the couples are all together, but the odd time when one of his friends has stopped by and my husband’s not home, the friend and I seem to have an almost stilted conversation, NEVER any of the playful banter that happens when we’re all together, because I think we’re both very aware of never crossing any lines…

SS commenting on the post “Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife”

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38 Responses to “Comment of the Week – Can Married People Have Opposite-Sex Friends?”

  1. Paradox Says:

    That fear of crossing lines with friends is actually one of the biggest reasons I like being polyamorous. Even when I’m only having sex or romance with one person, then, I never have to worry about those lines. They’re flexible! I don’t like what monogamy does to my friendships, especially since I’m bisexual.

    I’m not sure how to overcome that within a monogamous relationship, though. I think it’s possible to be friends, but only in the kind of relationship where you can both openly communicate about your boundaries and then respect them. Maybe even make that a conversation with your significant other and said friend, so then you can all relax once it’s over and you know where the lines are.

  2. Chelsea B Says:

    My best friend in the whole world is a guy. A straight, good looking guy. We have ZERO sexual interest in each other. I told my current boyfriend (before we started dating 3 years ago) if he had a problem with my best friend, we couldn’t date. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my best friend in my life!

    So I think as long as the boundaries are known and understood by both parties, it is fine and even GOOD for each partner to have opposite sex friends!

  3. Evan Says:

    Are bi people allowed to have friends at all?

  4. SS Says:

    Whenever I think about whether men and women can ever truly have completely platonic relationships, I always think of “When Harry Met Sally,” and whether or not you agree with this scene, it’s still pretty funny!

    (And EVAN, sorry, I think the rule is, if you’re bi, you just get to have cats… ;)

    Harry:You realize of course that we could never be friends.
    Sally:Why not?
    Harry:What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
    Sally:That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
    Harry:No you don’t.
    Sally:Yes I do.
    Harry:No you don’t.
    Sally:Yes I do.
    Harry:You only think you do.
    Sally:You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
    Harry:No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
    Sally:They do not.
    Harry:Do too.
    Sally:They do not.
    Harry:Do too.
    Sally:How do you know?
    Harry:Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally:So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry:No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
    Sally:What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
    Harry:Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
    Sally:Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
    Harry:I guess not.
    Sally:That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

  5. Rachel Says:

    Chelsea B, how can your bf manage not feeling upset by the fact that other guy is your best friend and not him?
    My bf says he has two best friends: me and a friend he knows since they were 5 years old (male, by the way).
    If I wasn’t considered the 1st on the female list, I would feel jealous/upset for sure. From the moment we started sharing a life together I believe we share more things than he could ever do with his female friends.

  6. fuzzy Says:

    um, yeah.

    whether I am married or not at the moment, at least half of my friends are male….some I sleep with, some I don’t….and again, my marital condition really didn’t enter into the equation.

    Now: the comment is directed at a question in which the male member of a couple dislikes his female partner’s male friend, and wants her to stop seeing him.

    WTF??

    Everyone is happily chiming in that he should tell the guy to get lost. Darlin’, if my male SO told ANY of my friends to go away, there would be blood on the floor. Lots of it………

    Male privilege much?

  7. SS Says:

    Fuzzy, so, you’d be okay with one of your girlfriends coming on to your husband/boyfriend? And if she wouldn’t leave him alone, and he was clearly into all the attention, it wouldn’t be a problem for you? I don’t see this as a case of “male privilege,” I see it as respecting the boundaries that are set by a relationship; like, if you’re married/committed, you don’t sleep with other people, and you also don’t flirt excessively or come on to other people, making your significant other feel like crap. I think it’s naive to think that relationships don’t involve sacrifice or compromise, and one of those sacrifices, in my book, is being sensitive to the fact that spending time with a friend of the opposite sex, perhaps with a lot of sexual innuendo involved (as was the case in the original post) can be really hurtful to your mate. Again, maybe I’m just not very evolved, but I think a relationship where a woman puts her friendships with other men before that of her husband/S.O., hmmm, doesn’t sound promising to me…

  8. fuzzy Says:

    So one of my friends is bothering my husband….is he likely to actually sleep with her? If the answer is yes, and we are in a theoretically monogamous relationship, then my problem isn’t with her, it’s with him.

    If the answer is no, then it is annoying, but a non-issue. If it bugs him enough, then he will make her go away. If it doesn’t…well…either a: he needs that kind of thing, and harmless third-party flirtation is just that—harmless. or b: he might just think she needs it, or I need her as a friend, enough to ignore it.

    Either way, there are two parts to the issue: trust and the right of parties in a relationship to govern each other’s lives. I still maintain that most couples don’t immediately stop doing anything and everything that annoys the other person. This is one such issue…..you don’t grant one partner license to dictate what the other should weigh, for pity’s sake, how can you dictate friendships?

  9. Seashell Says:

    I’m not married, but I’ve been in a monogomous relationship for just over 5 1/2 years.

    I have loads of male friends. I get on better with guys than I do girls. And the girls that I get on best with are the ones that get on best with guys.

    Sometimes there can be issues, sometimes not. You just have to be really open with your partner and your friends. I think in SS’s case it’s awkward because she’s only really spent time with the guys as part of a group.

    I think it is possible to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, whilst being in a monogomous relationship with someone else of the opposite sex quite successfully. You have to deal with the attraction thing if it comes up- you can actually end up with a stronger friendship if you come out the other side.

    Re Rachel’s comment- I used to think that your partner had to be your best friend. And for some people it is. But I also think there is a healthy space for having a partner and a best friend (no matter what their sex is- if they’re your best friend, you were either never attracted to them, or you got over it), especially if you’re a very intense and emotional person. It helps keep all your friendships/relationships balanced if you have more than just one shoulder to cry on!

  10. Spes Says:

    I’m married and both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex. Actually my husband is bi, so opposite or not doesn’t really matter (and ours has been his only monogamous relationship so there’s many, many ex-lovers on his long list of friends). One of my closest friends is my ex-husband, and my current husband has no qualms with it. In the end it’s not one’s partner’s friends that one should be putting their trust in, it’s one’s partner. In addition to simple trust of no physical sexual interaction (if monogamous), one should be able to trust their partner to ensure that their communications and interactions with ANYONE, not just their friends, are not in any way disrespectful to the relationship or their partner’s feelings. Of course both parties have to establish what can be considered disrespectful and exactly where the boundaries reside since such varies from relationship to relationship.

    As for best friends, my husband is mine. However, whenever I refer to my bestfriend I’m referring to someone else. I feel it should be understood that one’s spouse is their best friend, and so making the distinction that some other person is one’s ‘second best friend’ is terribly unnecessary (among other things).

  11. Rachel Says:

    Seashell, I think you’re right. Right now I’m trying to deal with the “female friends” thing, but I have some trust issues with my bf because of things that already happened.
    If we both (mainly me) could reach the situation of being free of jealousy I think our relationship would be much better… but anyway, still working on that ;)

  12. fuzzy Says:

    Rachel…

    Watch the non-trust thing. I have a dear friend who eventually broke up with his female partner because of the non-trust….

    Again, if you trust them,it is a non-issue. If you don’t trust them, then why bother? If “stuff” has already happened….leave. Find someone you don’t need to worry about, or else decide to share….but jealousy will kill a relationship faster than infidelity.

  13. SS Says:

    Fuzzy, I agree that in a completely rational world we should trust our partners, and that if they do something to betray that trust, then we can choose to end the relationship, or whatever. In this world, my husband, for example, on a business trip, could stay in the same hotel room (same bed, even) as a female co-worker, and I shouldn’t be the least bit concerned because I trust him… Real life, however, is rarely like that, and unless you’re in an “open” or otherwise unconventional relationship, it is simply human nature to be jealous if your mate spends a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex (or stayed in the same hotel bed). Before I got married, I had a number of really good male friends, who I thought were “just friends,” and at some point the sex/relationship thing came up, seemingly out of the blue, I never saw it coming, and it made me realize that there can be a very fine line between really enjoying someone’s company, and wanting to make the relationship sexual. For anyone who’s experienced this, I think this is what leads to the uncomfortable feelings we get when our S.O. spends a lot of time with an opposite sex friend. Fuzzy, when you say “find someone you don’t need to worry about, or else decide to share” do mean share sexually? Because that really wouldn’t be an option for most people, myself included. I think part of this is about respecting your partner and honouring your relationship with them, and not doing things that you know make them uncomfortable (like flirting/spending tons of time with opposite sex friends.) That’s the thing about relationships, it’s not all about me, me, me, and what feels good to that person, it’s about what works for that couple, which will probably involve sacrifice on both people’s behalf. Like I said, this is just how I feel, and I guess I’d describe myself as “conventional” in the relationship department (one husband, no flirting/intense friendships with other men.)

  14. fuzzy Says:

    Basically, yes…either trust or share sexually, which is a hell of a lot easier than one might think. In addition, it requires recognition that not all touch is sexual.

    OTOH, my response to the original comment included the consideration that one does not have the right to demand that the other party give up their friendships. Were I the gentleman in question, rather than telling my wife that she had to stop talking to this guy, I might take a good hard look at why she is doing so? Does she see this as an annoyance that she puts up with because her SO has so few friends, and she doesn’t want him to lose one? We have only a one-sided analysis of this interaction…..is it possible that it is platonic, even if he might like more, but the SO is normally so jealous of her friends that she is picking here to draw the line?

    In at least one case I am aware of, a platonic friendship, long-standing, ended up as much more…why? Because despite efforts to befriend both halves of the couple, the girl persisted in screaming jealousy. Unable to participate in activities as a couple, and equally unwilling to abandon 20+ years of friendship, meeting in secret eventually gave way to more.

  15. Morgan Says:

    I have several guy friends…these are guys I think of as brothers, and never had even an inkling of romantic feelings for. I was always a teensy bit of a tomboy, so I hung out with guys way more than girls. My guy friends are the geeky type…a lot like me, but not the type of guy I am attracted to romantically. So my husband has never felt threatened by any of my relationship with them, and I’ve been the same way about the girls he is friends with.

    In the long run, you have to be very secure and trusting in your relationship for it to work. I would never think twice about my husband hanging out with a girl. In fact a few weeks ago he went to the farmer’s market with our good friend Christina, and we joked about how they went on a date together.

  16. Rachel Says:

    Fuzzy, I agree you have a point there. But the things that happened weren’t so serious for me to break up with him, they just shook my trust a little (and everyone knows that even a small shake can change a lot of things). I decided to give him a chance if he was up to solving things with me, and he is. He already did a lot of nice things for us, and things are slowly getting better.
    My case is the opposite of Morgan… one of the dearest friends of my boyfriend is a super beautiful model. I confess I’m not the queen of self esteem, but I doubt that any other girl would manage not feeling threatened by her presence.
    He says she is only a friend, they’ve been friends since primary school. I try to believe him, but when he claims there’s no sexual attraction I really can’t believe. She calls the attention everywhere she goes, she is just stunning besides being a sweet girl (before meeting her I hated her, but after I even think of her as one of my friends too).
    The situation is annoying because I really don’t want to affect their friendship, but I also don’t want to feel threatened.
    Just to make things more challenging: we are in a long-distance relationship. :)
    These are the reasons why I think opposite-sex friends are trouble. :(

  17. fuzzy Says:

    Rachel….

    Good on you for trying to get over it. I am the “other woman” in a lot of relationships in that my friends are couples, I am better friends with one or the other—and I’m bi. I can’t win, and I really wish that all of this would go away.

    But I am serious…if you force the friendship underground, you make the likelihood of something untoward happening. Remember distance isn’t always an obstacle to a good relationship, either. Sometimes it helps.

  18. Jess Says:

    lmao. It is SOOO obvious that Fuzzy has never been married or never will be married. She is honestly, the last person who should be giving marrige/dating advice. Grow up honey, sounds like no man would want to marry you anyway….

  19. shannon Says:

    NO,NO,NO! I do not think that this is ok. I have been married 8 yrs and my husband and I have a wonderful marriage very trusting open and honest.He and he alone is my best friend I dont want nor need another man in my life! If you want a friend there are plenty woman out there to chat with. Bringing another “friend” of the oppiste sex in is a mistake no matter how open and trust worthy you and your mate are! There always will be the all mighty “WHAT IF”. ~SHANNON~

  20. angela Says:

    I do not think it is a good thing, I would not hang out with guys and would be very hurt if my husband had female friends we trust each other and it is a respect thing plus we dont trust the other people, I know we can always say no but if we dont put our self in that mess then we dont have to deal with it…

  21. Bettyboo Says:

    shannon and angela? really?? no guy friends at all? I find that quite bizarre, i can honestly say that when someone becomes my friend their sex is the last thing on my mind, surely they’re just people you get on well with?? what does the contents of their pants have to do with anything? I make acquaintances easily, but friends rarely and those i make i’m very close to so i wouldn’t given any of them up, male or female due to a jealous partner. I feel, if i was sexually attracted to them it would have come up before (after all, why would you be just friends with someone you got on well with and fancied? they’re called new boyfriends ;0) ) so no-one should be threatened by them.

  22. fuzzy Says:

    Well, sort of. I probably can’t tell you how to be married…I’m not very good at it. But then again, I CAN tell you what screws up a lot of marriages……

    So I can tell you what NOT to do. Jealousy is a major no. People get pissed ’cause you don’t trust them, then they decide not to care and do something—or someone!—else anyway……

  23. sheila Says:

    I was married for 14 years.
    My husband has what he says is friends only female. He told me that he likes to flirt and do things for other women that is who he says he is. He has gone over to their homes and does things for them behind my back. One he says that he has feelings for , it makes me sick. The woman and my husband know what they are doing. She just thinks that she is so special.
    We are now getting divorced. The whole time we were married not once did he say that I,m going over to Johns house to have a beer and hang out , it was always going to womans homes behind my back. not once the whole time that we were married did I ever even look at another man, it never even occured to me. I always went out of my way to make sure that my friends became his friends, but the courtsey was never extended the other way. It is so hurtful. On top of that he told my sister that he likes to flirt and that he wants his hugs and kisses from other women and that when he went back to his Moms second wedding before we got married that he slept with his 1st cousin while he was there. It makes me sick to the core of my bones , that I was married to a liar with a sick mind and that he was never loyal to begin with.

  24. fuzzy Says:

    And you made your choice..accurately. You really can’t tell someone else what to do. You tell them how you feel, and they choose their actions—that, in turn, allows you to make further decisions.

    I really don’t see you popping one of these women in the face, now, or showing up to tell them that they are hitting on your husband and now go away?

    It is funny how the “appropriate response” changes when the gender does.

  25. Rosie Says:

    I became close to a coworker and eventually her son and husband. I was single at the time (still am)and for many years we did a lot of things together and I visited them often at their home. I would often see her husband while out shopping and I would mention it to her in innocent conversation. I guess I mentioned it once too often and she responded with, “Sometimes I wonder if something is going on between you two” and then she laughed. I took it as a joke at that time but she repeated it on more than on occasion. My response was that I hoped after all the time she had known me that she knew that would NEVER have an affair with her husband or any other married man. Obviously this created some friction and I soon became uncomfortable visiting them. She never reached out to stay in touch so our friendship ended. However her husband and I would see each other here and there and stayed friends from a distance. One day, he showed up at my place late at night unexepectedly. I thought it was odd bt didn’t ask thinking if he had something to tell me he would just say it. That never happened but the visits continued. Finally, as he was leaving one night I told him to tell his wife I said hello. He responded by saying she didn’t know he was there. I questioned him about it and he just looked at me. I verbalized my conclusion (that if she knew she’d flip out b/c she had already thought something was going on previously). I told him that if he couldn’t tell her he was visiting me that he needed to stop coming by. He agreed but never told me what was going on. After some time had passed, he came to see me at work and told me that he didn’t want our friendship to end and to reconsider visiting them at the house. I told him that I felt uncomfortable and worse guilty even tho I did nothing wrong and wasn’t sure that I could. We left it at that but he continued to keep in touch with occasional emails. He still emails me regularly, and has started to visit me again even though we agreed back then that it wasn’t a good idea. I recently asked him for names of trusted contractors b/c I need some work done to my home and after “leaving it with him” he contacted me and suggested that he do the work I need himself. I suspect he is unhappy in his marriage and in some way is keeping his connection with me b/c he is attracted to me and if I were to make the first move he would reciprocate. I’m not a home wrecker but I truly wonder whether it is truly just friendship he’s after. I intend on broaching the subject with him but do not know how to go about it. I can’t negate the fact that there is a big physical attraction and that the fact that he has come by to see me (a lot more in a short period of time)has had me thinking of him quite a bit. Advice please …

  26. GetReal Says:

    Nonsense. When it comes to romance, having blind trust of your partner is just ridiculous. The libido cannot be trusted. That’s why we have boundaries. You should assume that at anytime your partner will jump the bones of someone who is attractive that makes it clear they also want them.

    And you can further trust that given enough time and interaction the opposite sex friend will become the opposite sex friend with benefits. Again, this is why we have boundaries. My advice to all, avoid the appearance of impropriety.

    If you have an opposite sex friend do not in any way do anything that can be reasonably misconstrued as a “date.” Don’t go to weddings with this person, late romantic dinners for two, movies, and trips. Just don’t. In these scenarios someone always develops feelings.

    As for polyamory. Fine. OK. Just don’t call it a relationship. You’re a single person playing the field. Jealousy is not always bad. It’s a warning of a threat to the relationship.

    You have a right to be jealous when someone is pushing up on your mate, or monopolizing their time under the guise of “we’re just friends.” If your mate won’t put you first, you don’t need to be their mate. Find someone who will.

    Romantic relationships are very tenuous. They need loving care and attention. Just because you trust your mate, doesn’t mean everything is going to fall magically into place and they’ll never betray you.

    Under the right circumstances I know in my heart of hearts there’s several men that could take me down, and I love the f* out of my mate. I avoid those circumstances. Men and women can be friends. But we’ll never be the type of friends you can be with the same sex. It’s the height of naiveté to think otherwise.

  27. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Well, I do have to disagree with someone who said not to go to “weddings or movies” with friends of the opposite gender.

    I have a friend, who is also a friend of My Man, whom I would often go to the movies with, and dance clubs, he took me to a wedding, in which My Man was standing up and I wasn’t (I do NOT go stag. I like to walk into a Gala Event with a nice looking man on my arm. So shoot me.)

    We also had plans to go to our Senior Prom together, as My Man is older and couldn’t bring himself to do it, AND taking this man to Prom was MY Man’s idea. (I ended up NOT going with him, because I felt I needed an emotional connection other than friendship to go somewhere like this. So, the three of us went out that night and partied.) This guy would even go shopping with me on occasion, which is something My Man avoids like the plague.

    I even joined a “Social Networking Site” which I had previously made fun of, because we found this gentleman there, after he moved out of state and dropped out of sight when his marriage ended. (He was very happy to hear from us! He missed us terribly.)I have known him longer than I have known my husband, since childhood, and in nearly 30 years of friendship not a single thing that would be inappropriate has happened between us (And NO, he’s NOT Gay.)

    It IS possible, but you both have to honor each other’s Boundaries and Partners.

  28. SS Says:

    Rosie: Of course he’s interested in you sexually, men (in my world) don’t seek out women late in the evening because they want advice or friendship. If he’s truly unhappy in his marriage, he should end it before playing elsewhere. I know people change over time and fall out of love, but when that happens, they need to man-up and end the first relationship before starting the next one, IMO.

  29. Reality Check Says:

    Let’s squash this subject. You can NOT have opposite sex friends, due to the rule of attraction. Here is a shocker… you are actually attracted to your same sex friends. gasp… So the rule apply’s to your opposite sex friends as well. There is an attraction amongst friends, same and opposite sex, be it ever so small or large there is an attraction. It is highly more likely that you will have sex with that person eventually because you are attracted to them and they have the genitalia of your liking. If you have an opposite sex friend you are “keeping your options open”. Lets be honest. This is your emotional back up person in case your relationship doesnt work out (or your single at 35) even if you are not attracted to that person they supply you with a means to get to other opposite sex people when you are not in a relationship. This idea and the friend themselves are a distractions from your relationship. It is unhealthy. If you want to “keep your options open” then join the dating game and do not commit to a relationship.
    If you do feel you are entitled to have friends with the genitals of your liking while in a relationship… then I highly suggest you do some retroflective evaluation and realize that you are selfish and should not be in a relationship, and pretend like you are a good person(selfless). You are not taking the feelings of your loved one into consideration and and just feeding into your selfishness.
    bisexuals hmm… lets see. i would suggest they are confused individuals that have a extreme need for attention, or are just perverse. They feel they are the greatest lovers on the planet…again selfish people, all they do is think about how great they are. “Im dirty in bed”… “that makes me great, duh duh duh.” LAME
    Couples beware of all these relationship distractors. They will not want you to be in a relationship so they can have more of your time. They will “pretend”(dishonesty) that their life is fantastic and fun, when deep down they are miserable because they do not have what you have. When they obtain your time (you break up with your loved one because they convinced you the grass is green over here) they will just push you aside eventually because they are too focused on themselves.
    Last bit of advice mainly for the women… that giddy love feeling in a relationship lasts only 3 years. It is important to recognize and realize this because if you go by feelings… you may believe your relationship is in trouble but in reality you just want the giddyness back. It will resurface from time to time, but it wont be the 3 year patch that happened in the beginning of the relationship.
    Try to be selfless honest people. I beg of you.

  30. Madamoiselle L Says:

    WELL, we should all just shut the hell up, even if we KNOW what we are talking about because somebody named “reality check” told us what’s what. Cripes. What a delusional creature.

    And I found his comments and OPINIONS on bisexuals to be extremely offensive. I am NOT bisexual, but some of my friends and family members are, none of them are like this sad person “told us” they were.

    If we all listened to this person, we wouldn’t have friends of ANY gender (or “genitals of our liking” whatever the fuck that means….)

    Dude, you are free to state YOUR opinion, no matter how warped it is, but to tell every one in this discussion that the discussion is OVER just because YOU have blessed us with your twisted opinions stated as FACT, is NOT cool.

  31. Spes Says:

    @ “Reality Check” (Because apparently that’s all you need to call yourself in order to act like you know all the facts. Who, knew?)

    Well, if nothing else proves that you’re a truly pathetic case, the fact that both Madamoiselle L and I agree that you are indeed a very sad, deluded creature, should hammer it home.

    Also, my husband is bisexual, and NOT at all what you accuse bisexuals of being, and neither are any of my bisexual friends and family. As I’ve stated before, my ex-husband is one of my closest friends, and I certainly don’t want ANYTHING romantic to do with him again.

    I would feel pity for the sad life you’ve chosen for yourself, but when you act all-knowing, as if your opinion is fact, you lose even my pity.

    I suggest you seek counseling, as your mentality is quite unhealthy for you and those who may actually care about you.

    Good luck to ya.

  32. Reality Check Says:

    personal attacks, pretty mature…

    sorry if i offend. maybe i made a mistake, it was not my purpose to make a personal attack on the the bi community. Personally i have no problem with bi-sexual individuals or the community. Live you life the way you want to. My point was to illustrate frame of mind thought process behind actions, and not leave that group out of the conversation because someone else mentioned the group, (similar to my “friends with genitalia of your liking” reference, to keep homosexual individuals in the conversation)I probably should have said something along the lines of bi’s are just finding their way to eventually be with that one person that fulfills them, if they can be monogamous. That flip flop title of bi-sexual suggests self serving motives and connotates a single lifestyle. Is it fair to call yourself bi if you are in a monogamous relationship and can say i only want to be with and care for the person i am currently with?(man and woman coupling=heterosexuality, man and man/woman and woman=homosexualality, monogamous individuals in a current state would fall into one of those groups) wouldnt there be a tendency to stay in relationships on the short term (1-4 years) to feed an appetite for the oppositesex in the long term if the bisexual title is held onto? How would that appetite be fed, while in a monogamous relationship? anyways..

    hi ML, why would you write “NOT bi”, then included yourself in the group with “WE” when explaining if a person was bi they would not have any friends, along my statements line of thinking. is there some deception going on here? but going with the statement you made, i agree with you that if the statements i made were the way it should be, then bisexuals will have no friends, yes i know it is ridiculous, my point suggests, suggests, suggests, an explanation of bi related to being self serving / selfish.

    My overall point is people should be honest, selfless, (and lets add caring, and whole hearted). If you dont agree with this statement, that would suggest that you believe honesty, selflessness, caring, and wholeheartedness are bad characteristics to have. Do you have a tendency to use people? good luck to you.

    hi specs… Would it be a stretch to suggest that you have had the thought that your current husband would cheat on you with a man? If you feel that your hubby is going to be with you for the remainder of your and his time on the planet and he wholeheartedly loves you… then maybe you could define him as he truly is in the present… a heterosexual, and say “he used to be bisexual”. I hope selfishness does not rear its ugly head in your relationship and I hope you are not in a temporary situation.

    P.S. Rachel’s first comment speaks volumes on the initial topic of this page.

  33. Spes Says:

    “Reality Check” your ignorance is remarkable. If someone is attracted to both genders, then they are bisexual. Period. Just because a bisexual commits to a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean they now only find the gender that the person they’re in a relationship with attractive. Also, they’re have been many homosexuals who have, for various reasons (thankfully this is becoming less prevalent), married someone of the opposite sex (heterosexual marriage). The homosexual didn’t suddenly become bi or heterosexual. WHICH GENDER ONE IS ATTRACTED TO DICTATES ONE’S SEXUALITY, not simply who their current partner is.

    And no, I’m not worried that my husband will cheat on me with a man, just as I’m not worried he’ll cheat on me with a woman, because SEXUALITY DOESN’T DICTATE ONE’S ETHICS.

    Lastly one can be honest with themselves and still not share your opinion. The reality of one’s life and their own motives can be vastly different than another person’s (including yours).

  34. fuzzy Says:

    Oh dear gods. All of them……I AM bi, and polyamorous, and neither fact has an effect on the other. I had multiple partners–who know about each other, and don’t care—before I decided that I liked all the flavors of people that wanted to like me back. I also have dear friends of both genders that I have no sexual interest in.

    And for pity’s sake, while it is indeed disrespectful of the theoretically monogamous partnership, having the male member of said partnership go all heavy-handed and lay down the law isn’t going to solve the problems inherent in that relationship. Period.

  35. Madamoiselle L Says:

    “reality check” said: “That flip flop title of bi-sexual suggests self serving motives and connotates a single lifestyle. Is it fair to call yourself bi if you are in a monogamous relationship and can say i only want to be with and care for the person i am currently with?” END QUOTE YES! I know plenty of Bi people who have settled down with a partner, in a monogamous relationship, with one sex or an other. They are NO less likely to than a straight or Gay or Lesbian person would. Also, I know many bis in committed, monogamous relationships. They are no more likely to stray than anyone else. The fact that their pool of potential lovers is slightly larger doesn’t dictate ethics, as Spes said.

    But to say Spes’ dh “used to be bi-sexual” would be close to saying that Straight people “used to be straight” before getting married and no longer are. (because they won’t be having sex with “others” of the opposite sex, just their spouse) Just because one has committed oneself to an other, doesn’t mean their orientation changes or who they are still attracted to changes, it means they have found someone they want to share their lives with.

    Saying that Spes’ husband would be “likely to cheat” on her with an other man is a horrible thing to say. He’s no more likely to cheat with “an other man” than any straight man would be to cheat on his wife with a woman. Simply because someone has attraction to both sexes doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love with someone from one or an other sex and NOT cheat. Your insinuation is ridiculous. And none of the bisexuals I know are any more “self serving and selfish” than any Straight, Gay Lesbian or Other. I don’t think you know that you KNOW any bisexuals, RC.

    WHERE did I say I was bi? If I was, I’d be happy to say so, but I have never said I was. {shrug) Whatever…

  36. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Oh, when I said “We” I was referring to those of us who DO have friends of different genders.

    But, thanks, RC. Spes and I finally agree on something. :D Gimme a hug, girl!

  37. Spes Says:

    Huggs! :)

  38. Reality Check Says:

    good conversation… Thanks for the posts this was fun.

    Here is my last post.
    MLandSpecssay”thank,gawd”

    I would never wish for specs hubby to cheat on her. I just asked if she has had the thought i listed above.

    I just made some suggestions. As I will make again.

    People have a tendency to deceive themselves. When they are lost in self deception and some exterior thought contradicts their pseudo convictions, they will fight and hold onto their right to live in self deception, getting upset and justifying actions. A justification is just and excuse to do something wrong. These individuals love to keep the water muddy.

    Thanks Fuzzy.

    It is interesting that it is assumed I am straight, monogamous, and not bi.


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