Comment of the Week: Women Can't Handle Rejection in Bed

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Oh, pshaw. Girls often turn down sex for a variety of reasons.

Try being a guy and telling a woman it’s not happening tonight.

Guys get a bad rap sometimes for being sexually aggressive, pushy, not respecting women’s boundaries… but have you ever seen how a woman gets when she’s denied sex!?!? They’re HORRIBLE! They’ll pout, they’ll rub other guys in your face, they’ll call you gay, they’ll threaten to cheat… Awful!

Johnny, commenting on “Wise Guys: How Best to Say Not Tonight Honey?”


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11 Comments on "Comment of the Week: Women Can't Handle Rejection in Bed"


ToppHogg
4 years 6 months ago

It is extremely rare for me to turn down a female partner’s request for sex, and only when I’m suffering such a bad migraine that the necessary motion is not possible. Otherwise, just say the word and I’ll be raring to go in no time.

Wendell
5 years 4 months ago

Annie, thanks for this: “If, however, you have never made love to a woman without expecting your own cookie in return, then part of what you are experiencing might be the woman’s frustration that she’s pleasured you when she wasn’t in the mood, but that you won’t return the favor.”

My perspective on this tends to be from a “let’s break down gender role ridiculousness” place, as well as, like you said, “sex doesn’t begin with his erect penis and end with his orgasm and isn’t defined by penis-in-vagina sex with a photo finish”.

I’m grateful to be reminded (by the first passage of yours I quoted) that the patterns of giving to one’s partner can be lopsided and this can the main reason for frustrations when the recipient of most of the giving is not returning the favor.

Neeva
5 years 4 months ago

No you’re not the only one.
I’d say the ‘not today line’ is worst for couples who don’t cuddle much. If the only loving body contact is sex, than of course a rejection will be taken personally.

Mandy
5 years 5 months ago

Am I the only female who has made a move been told “Not now, I’m too tired” and then just shrugged said okay then left to go to work?

He literally ran to me after I got home too, in order to apologize for turning me down. It hadn’t occurred to me to feel upset about it until he started to lament the lack of morning sex he had turned down.

Annie
5 years 5 months ago

In general, I agree women take rejection worse than men. We expect men to be “always ready”, take it personally when they can’t perform/aren’t interested, and make cruel, emasculating comments when the man doesn’t explain to our satisfaction. There is a reason for that old expression about a “woman scorned”. It’s true. While we man not be as physically violent as men, when it comes to verbal take-downs of our lovers, I do think we are far worse than men.

And I don’t think this is just American culture….I’ve seen such behavior out of my “sexually liberated” friends from some of the more libertine European countries.

But there is a very important caveat. Many (if not most) women who aren’t in the mood will still have some form of sexual contact with their lover even if they would just rather sleep. Women will give a hand job, blow job, or just be a passive recipient while the man does all the work. It’s just easier than explaining you really aren’t sexually revved up and *potentially* less harmful to the relationship (depends on the man and his ego). It’s also part of being a giving lover. Plus there are plenty of products (e.g., really good lube) that allow women who aren’t aroused to still have sexual intercourse. For men, if they aren’t aroused, the game is different. Yes, there is Viagra, but that’s a very different “sex aid” than a good lube is. Plus, far too often, our culture defines sex as penis-in-vagina intercourse. It’s ludicrous that this is so, but I do think it’s there. (e.g., “Technical virgins”, “I did not have sex with that woman”, etc.)

Aside from my very skilled and very considerate husband, I have never had a man make love to me without also himself having an orgasm or at least trying to have one. (That’s not lack of experience or bad luck, b/c I’ve had enough men from enough diverse cultures to know that it’s not limited to American men and my European friends make the same complaints). Part of the reason I married my husband is that he gets that sex doesn’t begin with his erect penis and end with his orgasm and isn’t defined by penis-in-vagina sex with a photo finish.

So, to the guys like Johnny, if you fall into the category of men like my husband who will give a woman sexual pleasure without ever taking any direct pleasure for yourself, then, yes, you are being really, really wronged by a woman who acts like a petulant child when rejected. Any woman who acts like that doesn’t deserve a patient, considerate lover.

If, however, you have never made love to a woman without expecting your own cookie in return, then part of what you are experiencing might be the woman’s frustration that she’s pleasured you when she wasn’t in the mood, but that you won’t return the favor.

There’s a difference between not being in the mood for your own erection/orgasm and being so out of the mood that the thought of any sex whatsoever is just out of the question. If it is the latter, be honest with the reason. If she can’t accept it, DTMA and get a woman who deserves you. If it is more that you aren’t in the mood to come, but are neutral otherwise, then by all means, be a kind lover and pleasure her. You might want to try saying that you aren’t in the mood yourself, but you’d be glad to hold her while she masturbates. Or, if you are really selfless, go down on her. Or f her with your fingers.

Part of being a good lover is applying the same rules to both parties. (Or more, if you are poly). If you expect a woman to give you a blow job or a quickie where she doesn’t take any pleasure beyond pleasuring you, then you have to reciprocate and give her pleasure when the only pleasure you take is in the giving. If you are already that kind of man, then I hope you find a woman who deserves you b/c you are too good to be with a woman who doesn’t appreciate you.