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How to Get Over a Break Up (in 10 Easy Steps)

Fri, Feb 12, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, How To

photo by Sara Bjork

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend of 2 years just broke up with me.¬† It came out of the blue, to me at least, and I am devastated. I thought he was going to propose and instead he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore.¬† Didn’t give “specific” reasons, just that he wants time, he needs space, blah blah blah — cliche stuff.¬† So I feel awful and am not dealing well.¬† I’ve been broken up with before, even divorced, but those I saw coming and could deal with, but this time…I’m just not sure what to do.¬† I believe in the saying “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone” but I can’t right now.¬† The thought of sex with someone else leaves me not far from disgust. So my question is how do I deal with this?¬† Any tips or helpful trick besides “Just give it time” because time is killing me right now.


Dear Crushed,

Come here, Lambchop, and let us give you a big hug. It’s going to be alright. Really. However bad it is, someone else has lived through worse before you — read our book “BUH BYE: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped” if you don’t believe us — and they didn’t lose their job or their marbles in the process. Sure, it might have been touch-and-go at first, but eventually they started bathing again. Some of them even got a promotion and fell in love with someone new. It’s the cycle of life! Remember, bad breakups don’t make you undateable, they just make you feel that way for a while — unless, of course, you lock yourself in your bathroom for the next year and refuse to answer the door to anyone except the Domino’s guy. Our patented ten-step process below will keep you out of the john and in the human race.

  1. Numb the pain…for approximately seven days (two weeks max, in extreme circumstances). Everyone needs time to hit the wall, overeat, drink themselves silly, and generally self-medicate. Rent Shirley Valentine with a good friend. Get drunk on box wine. Lean on your friends, especially those who insist on referring to your ex as Fuckface. Make a breakup playlist. Don’t feel guilty about crying yourself to sleep. Briefly consider sexual reorientation. Get drunk again.
  2. Cut the cord. As tempting as it may be to call your ex looking for closure, hoping to be friends (i.e. “frexes”), or conning them into second-chance sex, this is not the time to concern yourself with Fuckface. In fact, as with smoking, going cold turkey is often best.
  3. Think negatively about your ex, especially if it helps you manage step 2. Avoid looking back on your relationship with rose-colored hindsight or beating yourself up about what you did wrong. Learn from your mistakes (if you made any, which you probably didn’t), and move on. And while you may hate your ex for dumping you, it’s okay to claim to acquaintances, coworkers, and nosy family members that it was a mutual decision.
  4. Git ‘er done. After you’ve broken down, it’s time to rebuild yourself. You have it in you: start that political blog, dust off your bicycle, take that fiction writing class — after all, you’re more than someone’s other half. Haven’t you always wanted to read Anna Karenina? Never got around to painting your room because of all the time you wasted having sex? Do it now!
  5. Give back to the community. Nothing like volunteering at the local orphanage to put your heartache in perspective.
  6. Give yourself a “breakover.” If revenge is on your mind — and we know it is — get back at your ex by getting in the best shape of your life, getting the best haircut of your life, getting the laser hair removal you’ve always wanted ‚Ķ.
  7. Mark the occasion of moving on. Get a tattoo, whether permanent or henna. Have a breakup party with all your friends. Burn his effigy. Congratulations, you’re more than two-thirds of the way through the breakup grief cycle already!
  8. Go shopping! It may sound a little Tri-Delt, but retail therapy can work by temporarily filling up that void inside you just long enough to get you through the next day. Go on, you deserve it. You can catch up on bills next month.
  9. Go on the rebound. We know you’re not here yet, but don’t underestimate the benefits of distracting yourself with the joys of being single so that you won’t be tempted to indulge in any late-night Googling or other spying on your ex. Try masturbation, online dating (if only to get a few nice emails from strangers in your inbox), or flirting therapy (it’s like smiling — forcing yourself to do it will make you feel better). You don’t even need to have actual rebound sex with someone, though by the time you’ve gotten to step 9 you might feel differently about a palette-cleansing one-night stand (i.e. “sorbet sex”).
  10. Think positively. This is not the death of sex and love. This is the beginning. Say it again: This is the beginning! Now sing it: “I will survive!” Because you will survive. And you will metabolize. Closure will come. Hey, maybe you should even go on a “date.” Remember, dating– whether online or off — is your chance to find better sex and truer love. Fuckface was just a stepping stone on your way to self-improvement, personal growth, and true happiness with the person you were truly meant to be with. Take comfort in the fact that, with every passing day, as the pain subsides, you’re that much closer to your density. We mean, your destiny.
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15 Responses to “How to Get Over a Break Up (in 10 Easy Steps)”

  1. Johnny Says:

    I’d agree with everything on this list except #7. For chrissake, don’t get a tattoo that has anything to do with the ex.

    It’s inevitably the same in a breakup: at first it consumes your world to an extent that makes it seem tattoo-worthy – oh, the pain!

    But by the time you screw a few more guys, then land yourself an awesome new BF, your suffering will be part of the past, the drama you pumped into the situation will seem a little over-blow, and you’ll have a chuckle about it. And you’ll be DAMN glad you don’t have to look at a tattoo commemorating a guy who’s not part of your life anymore.

  2. trillie Says:

    I think Em and Lo meant a “I’m released, this is the new me, and I love it” kind of tattoo, not a “Why did Fuckface leave me, I will never love again” one.

    After a difficult breakup I went on a 3 week trip with friends (it had been booked before the breakup), and got a conch piercing during that time. Maybe it’s a clich√© to get pierced while travelling, but for me, it was like getting a new haircut: Telling the world and myself that I have changed, I’m free, my batteries were recharged by the trip, and I had a great time. Then again, the ring is removable, and the remaining hole is less noticeable than a “Fuckface broke my heart” tattoo on the upper arm.

  3. trillie Says:

    Oh and to Crushed: Happy step 1! Cheers! :o D

  4. v Says:

    i needed this advice. thanks

  5. Elizabeth Says:

    I needed this too. I’ve taken to doing just about everything I can as to avoid sitting around my room, moping, and eventually stalking his FB page. I actually remedied that by blocking FB on my computer, since it got to that level. I downloaded “Single Ladies”, spend most nights playing with my friend’s dog, and will do whatever it takes to avoid crumbling. I’m trying to tell myself he’s not dwelling on it, so why should I?

    (But damn. Valentine’s Day will SUCK.)

  6. Monkeyballs Says:

    I’ve been the fuckfacer and the fuckfacee and while I can certainly relate with the need to make a clear break and assign your ex with the villian role…I just don’t think that’s healthy long term.

    I recently got the big what-the-fuck-just-happened breakup and while it was nice for a few weeks to make her Darth Vadress, after a while I just felt petty and a part of a game I didn’t want to play anymore. Instead of plotting for ways to destroy her from my mind I just kind of figured it was best to take my ball and go home. I left her damage behind as a lesson learned but not as a scar. She certainly didn’t deserve to take up anymore RAM in my memory.

    For those of you who need a Moriarty I feel sorry for you. Just let them go. You don’t need to make them a chapter in your romantic book (they don’t deserve it) and after a short while you’ll be glad that you took the high road. The air is must better up there.

  7. staramour Says:

    Elizabeth – here’s a great version of “single ladies”: (http://www.youtube.com/user/PomplamooseMusic#p/u/6/oIr8-f2OWhs)

    that got me through a recent heartbreak. It will put a little more of the smile back on your face!

  8. Raspberry Delight Says:

    I feel for you, that sounds exactly like my situation. A couple of days ago, right out of the blue, he said that “this doesn’t make any sense”. I still don’t understand this. Maybe I can cope with this by using the steps, I will try anyway. Thanks for the advice. :)

  9. mill Says:

    any suggestions for those like me (God I hope I’m not the only one) who have no close friends to lean on? My co-workers are just that with busy lives outside of work. He and I were together for 2 1/2 years and with each other when not working. Sad but true. I’m really so alone. We said so many mean things to each other before we split, some of which weren’t even true but said just to hurt and they still do.

  10. ENH Says:

    So…i dated my bf for almost 3 years. And then i deployed. the first 5 months of my deployment were great–we skyped, talked on the phone daily, etc. 4 weeks before I was to come home, he stopped communicating with me. When I got home, he didnt pick me up at the airport. When I got to my house, I had found everything that I had given him over the course of our relationship stuffed underneath the drivers seat in my car. Now, its been 2 weeks. He emails me and tells me I am his soulmate… but he still hasnt called me. He has even blown me off the 2 times HE wanted to see me. What an ass. His loss.

  11. angry is better then sad. Says:

    I’m almost positive that everyone that has read this was doing the exact same thing that I am now. Sitting in my bed in my PJS on a saturday night while fuckface is out having fun with his friends. I understand that I shouldn’t be sitting here and I should be out with my friends but my options are a bit limited when all of my friends are out with their yet to be fuckface boyfriends. Im thinking that my new hobbie will be kick boxing classes and possibly making a list of all of his flaws. That might help.

  12. shellby Says:

    This advice seem great but not for me. My relationship is a 15 year one, with kids involved, how can i break ties and move on. You dont just stop loving someone after this amount of time. The advice given would help with the confusion etc but its impossible to be so cut and shut.

  13. ses Says:

    I can relate to this article alot. It really helps to surround yourself with friends, exercise, hobbies, anything at all to stop from thinking about it. I’ve been having good days and bad. The worst part is when I’m surrounded by my friends who are ALL texting their boyfriends 24/7. It also really helps to make a list of all the NEGATIVE aspects of the relationship, or the person. Anytime I start pitying myself or tearing up, I read the list and it helps alot. This article really shed some positive light on my situation and gave me a laugh, which I could always use. I just can’t wait to fully move on.

  14. Jennifer Says:

    Haha… fuckface! I’m heart broken and in tears, but every time I read that word I giggled! Thank you for that!

  15. Shells Says:

    This has to be the hardest thing ever, can someone please tell me how to stop this ache in my heart.. :-(

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