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Your Call: How Can I Tell If He Wants More Than Sex?

Tue, Feb 16, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by sinabeet

Dear Em & Lo,
I have a male friend whose company I enjoy very much (I’ve known him for¬†about 3 months). He’s very much attracted to me (or he just wants sex) and¬†we hang out when we can and talk on the phone almost everyday. We are both¬†single at the moment and he’s tried several times to initiate sex and said¬†on numerous occasions that he would like to sleep with me. I don’t believe¬†in casual sex (feel free to judge). I am attracted to him and would have considered sex if I thought there was a possibility of a long-term¬†relationship. At the moment I don’t see anything of the sort, even though¬†he likes me, it seems to me like he is weighing his options. Since I am¬†still single and find myself engaging his company more often, what should¬†be my best course of action?
– Holding Out


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23 Responses to “Your Call: How Can I Tell If He Wants More Than Sex?”

  1. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Does he take you out? Do you know his friends and does he know yours? Are you often seen out in public together? Do you share meals, anywhere other than in one of your residences? If none of these things are happening, this is just the longest Booty Call in history. (And he is one hella patient guy.)

    If you are both over the age of 15, dating and relationships require more effort than just “hanging out.” At least, I think so. Did he get you anything for Valentine’s Day? (Waits for fallout from the anti-VD crowd.) Is there genuine affection from him? C’mon, you’re a woman, use your intuition, THEN talk to him.

    You need to find out if you two are “in a relationship” and get a feeling of what kind. If he isn’t taking you out, you two aren’t meeting each others’ friends, and all you do is talk, “hang out” and he tries to get you to have sex, it’s not much of a “relationship.”

    I understand the not wanting to have casual sex with this guy, (If he isn’t at least taking you out, I don’t blame you.) but find out what HE wants and let him know what YOU want.

    Then, either break it off, (because if he just wants a Fuck Buddy and you aren’t into it, it’s not worth just “keeping him around” as he will continue to think he’ll get you into bed, and you’ll continue to think there’s more to it, and both of you will be disappointed and eventually resentful.) or jump on for a ride, which will most likely end in a broken heart on your part, if you really like him.

  2. Madamoiselle L Says:

    UNLESS, you are asking for “permission” to have casual sex with this guy? No one can give you permission except yourself. Casual sex rarely if ever evolves into anything else, if you can handle that, go for it, if you feel it not be in your best interests, either find what wtf is going on, (he doesn’t need to give you details or a 5 year plan, just some idea of what kind of relationship HE thinks you two are in) or move on.

    OR, you just want a male freind around, which is fine……unless he contiually expresses the desire to have sex with you. Then, he’s either going to be a Fuck Buddy or a boyfriend, if you don’t want the former, and he doesn’t want the latter, what IS going on? You’ll have to find out, (and don’t expect HIM to bring it up, he’s a guy. HE wants to get in your pants, no matter what his “relationship motives” are. If he has even given it any thought.)

    In good “Platonic” relationships, the guy usually keeps his lust on the down low, and if you haven’t given him any reason to think you are going to have sex, he’s really not reading your signs. In other words, Platonic relationships WORK if there is no sex, once you screw, (or give the indication that you WOULD screw, like say kissing and petting) the mechanics of the relationship change and it is nearly impossible to get back to the “hanging around” thing.

    Because even while you are perusing the On Demand Menu on your cable….he’s thinking about having sex with you, while you’re making popcorn in the kitchen…..he’s thinking about sex with you, while you are telling him a funny story about how you ALMOST got a ticket……he’s thinking about having sex with you.

    Just one more question: Are you making out with him? At all? If so, and he ISN’T taking you out, or you aren’t meeting his friends and family, he’s not meeting your friends and family, and he seems to be putting no effort into the “relationship” etc, HE’S still thinking it’s casual. If he isn’t spending some cash on you, (yes) and showing you around, and you are continuing to make out with him, all he sees is a booty call.

    You’re going to need to sort it out, for health and good of both of you.

  3. A guy Says:

    First of all, what do you want?

    Next, have you told him?

    If so. What did he say? There is your answer.

    Dont believe him? Go find a guy you trust.

    Stop playing games and let him know how you feel. How about “you do make me hot, but I need a commitment” or something.

    We are not mind readers.

    And contrary to what others may think, we do not all think of sex constantly, after we grow up. There are good men just like there are good women. I would bend over backwards to please you in every way if you were the one for me, and you told me what you wanted. If not, I have plenty of “friends.”

    Be honest and open and the truth will shine through, one way or the other.

  4. SS Says:

    Not sure if this is true of the majority of men (and not being a guy myself), but I read in a book recently that men will often use sex to determine compatibility, so things will stay very casual until you have sex, and then they weigh whether or not they want to continue the relationship/take it to the next level…is this true, at least on some level, for the guys out there?

  5. Been There Says:

    I have been in almost exact position you are in just recently. I was talking to this guy for about 5 months, we hung out we talked everyday all day on the phone through talking or texting. Well into the months of us talking we were never established as “Boyfriend-Girlfriend”. We were sleeping together and talking everyday, but no title. So I mentioned it to him and i got a slack ass answer like he dosent wanna rush things. Well I took that as “No, I dont want a relationship right now’ So I blew him off and put up my wall. Well he was very upset with that and he texted me everday and called me everyday for 4 days saying he was wrong, and he did want one with me. Well as soon as I swallowed my pride, he said it was too late I hurt him. So I was left broken hearted, and felt like a fool. How can you change your mind so quickly? All my friends say that it was just part of his game. Well my friend the only way you are ever going to find out is if you tell him and dont re-act the way I did. Listen to him and listen to yourself. Dont let your your friends or your pride get in the way of a potentially great relationship.

  6. Michael Says:

    Dude here. Sorry to be blunt, but if he didn’t want sex then there is something wrong with him.

    If he keeps on going out with you even if you say no ring no nookie, then he must like you alot.

  7. Mary Says:

    LOL, I don’t know why people find it so confusing to understand exactly what a person want is what they are saying. The man said he wanted to have sex w/ you. Not date you, not marry you, not see if there is any potential for any thing long term. Did he you on a date to any very public place? Even if he asks you out he might then take you to a some what less crowded place. this might mean that he’s trying to stay low key to keep his wife or girlfriend from finding out. Even if he brings you flowers or any number of exquisite gift doesn’t it mean he wants anything other than sex. After all men have been known to give homes, cars and play money to women just for sex. So unless you’re willing to let him tap that A$$ tell him to hit the road. I know I would’ve sent him away three months ago. Any man that I meet who tells me that he wants to have sex w/ me right off doesn’t get a second chance to say that. I’m not running a free bed, booty call and breakfast combo.

  8. BROKEN HEARTED GIRL Says:

    WELL , FOR ME IT`S OK TO DO IT . BUT CHOOSE THE RIGHT GUY. WHAT I MEAN THAT YOU LIKE AND LOVE THAT GUY. BECAUSE MY SITUATION IS , IM MARRIED BUT SEPARATED.I DONT HAVE A BABY. AND MY INTENTION IS JUST TO HAVE A BABY EVEN WITHOUT A HUSBAND…IT`S A CASE TO CASE BASES. IF THE GUY WANTS TO MARRY YOU IT`S BETTER…THEN YOU CAN TELL THAT HE IS NOT UP TO SEX ONLY…GOOD LUCK GUYS…

  9. NATIALO Says:

    When a guy says he wants to have sex with you,sweetheart, that’s exactly what he wants and nothing else matters until he gets what he really wants. And after his done he will walk and leave you standing. I believe you know what to do.

  10. ashcash Says:

    Girl LEAVE HIM ALONE!!! Just like the movie title “He’s Not That Into You” lol…he says he wants sex.HE JUST WANTS SEX…I just let go of a guy I held on to for almost a year and a half, because I kept hoping that by giving him my body,time, and even money(yea i was stupid) that he would eventually fall in love and committ to me…boy was i wrong. He even told me he cared about me and he could see us together in the future(of course all these things were said after 2 hours of amazing sex….anyways,save yourself for someone who will focus on the great things about you,not your body…let this one go…NOW

  11. sarah Says:

    if he has been seeing you for 3 months without sex just go for it. he obviously cares or he would have ditched you by now.

  12. sarah Says:

    if he has been seeing you for 3 months without sex just go for it. he obviously cares or he would have ditched you by now.!!

  13. Katrina Reinhardt Says:

    Girl, tell him what u want..he should know that if you too are really “friends” u must have discussed as friends what you are looking for in a relationship…and let the chips fall where they may. It is nice and flattering to have a man desire you..but keeping him around, and not telling him the truth is a bit selfish on your part as well. He was at least honest with what he wanted, no games..so u are kind of playing one yourself if you keep him in your life, and you aren’t being straight up and honest with him too

  14. Amro Says:

    I agree with Sarah…

    besides maybe he does not love you.. but he cares, tries to do things you like.. so obviosly its not just about sex.. I mean what are you gonna lose?!!!

    if you told him what you want , you might freek the guy out…

    longterm relations cannot be planned, you never know, he might be the “one”. you like to be with the guy, this means he has good qualities, dig for more!!!

    3 months he could ditch you, and you could do the same, none of you did, I guess he is worth trying…

  15. Becky Says:

    Yeah I know what you mean…I have this idea and belief that men just want to have sex with multiple woman and they don’t care to hurt your feelings…Any guy can have sex with multiple woman..It takes someone special that wants to have sex with that one special person and continue to grow with it makeing it better and better…where would a girl find this man…leave me a message as to where to find this one special man….Becky

  16. Int_Travel_Guy Says:

    Well, after reading this, there are obviously some man haters on here….and hey, I get it. Being a guy myself, I have done a few things before for the sake of getting in bed with some girl.

    In it’s simplest form, guys need a PLACE to have sex while girls need a REASON to have sex. And God knows, women have that uncanny ability to bold face lie, and you never really know what her reason is. Maybe she does like you, or maybe she knows your girlfriend and it is a test, or maybe she is just wanting to get laid. Who knows..but, guys will have sex for the sake of having sex. The biggest question I always ask myself before I sleep with someone is “How did I meet them? Do we know any of the same people? Does she seem rational (I don’t deal with drama)? And lastly, what do I want from her?”

    Maybe I missed it, but how old are you guys? I am in my 30′s, and there comes a point in life where you say to yourself about someone you met “You know, I bet sex with her would be incredible, but WHAT is my goal in life?” Sure, we can all have casual sex until the cows come home, but that gets old after a fair amount of time.

    My advice?? You need to make up YOUR mind what you want from him and tell him. His reaction will tell you what he wants. My thought though is that he really likes you. I know I wouldn’t wait for 3 months…..unless I had another casual sex partner that I was getting it from. But here is the thing….since you aren’t actively sleeping with him, you can’t ask him about it. Why?? Because if you start grilling him about his sex life when you aren’t sleeping with him, he will think the invasive questions will get worse once you do sleep with him. So, as I said, you need to make up your mind what you want from him and tell him.

  17. the realistic gurl Says:

    the best think for you is to let him know your intentions and ask himself about it, not us!
    no “if”s and “but”s and “maybe”s like teenagers, act like an adult and communicate.

    cuz he’s the only one who got the final correct answer for you
    so…
    SPEAK UP, AND STOP READING ACTIONS AND GUESSING

  18. Sasha Says:

    Ha! Been there, done that. I was friends with a guy for about a year before he said that to me. I was flattered, he was cute and you know relationships can grow. So after a game of cards and drinking we had sex. Nothing ever came of it- we grew apart, I still run into him at parties and such.
    I’m guessing your guy just wants sex, to try it out, since you are friends- maybe it will be good. From his view, what does he got to lose? Any guy that wants a relationship would behave differently.

  19. DAR Says:

    It’s really your call but, I once dated a guy for 8 months who did not make a move on me til then. (We are both in our 40′s.) Thought that I finally found a guy who respects me & where chivalry isn’t dead. Went out alot up to that point..then all he wanted after having sex was just watching movies and sex at his place. Never called me his Girlfriend, so I asked him. He said that he liked me for a Friend. That was the last time I saw him….Very Disappointed..Gave up after that.

  20. Tambra Says:

    Well the main word is TALK!! He can’t guess what you want. But I dated a guy for 4yrs. Engaged at 11 months. Kept getting a answer that we would get married soon. Buy a house & be together & the rest of that kind of crap. I was very disappointed also. Dumb me had been by myself for 6yrs before him so I kept thinking maybe this will work. NOT!! He admitted in the end he had lied to stay with me & that he never wanted marriage. So talk to your guy. Like you we were also friend for a long time before getting engaged. Loving my life & over it NOW :) ))

  21. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Some guy said: “God knows, women have that uncanny ability to bold face lie” This from a “guy” who is complaining about all the “man haters” on the board.(Whom I didn’t see.) Sure, just sum up all of femininity with one broad brush.

    Sheesh.

  22. struggles Says:

    sometimes in life we jus never what is going to happen. i met this guy a couple years ago and after dating for 6 months we started calling each other”boyfriend-girlfriend” i have met most of his friends and he has met mine.but in september of last year i got pregnant not much people knew.the thing is my mom said that i was 2 young for a baby….im 19yrs.january of 2010 i had and abortion because of all the stress.he wasnt for it and said my family and i are wicked people.he was as hurt as i was.we kept apart for 2 weeks and then he decided that we shold continue our relationship but the thing is i do not know if he made that decision 2 make me suffer for i did or if it is bcuz he loves me.how do i know?

  23. anne Says:

    We as women tend to try and “fix” what a guy says to make it sound sweeter in ours ears. He is a grown man. He would have taken you out if he wanted to. But he wants sex. Just sex. If that’s okay with you then have at it. But Pls believe that “Just sex” guy rarely becomes “Boyfriend” guy. RUN, RUN QUICKLY!!!!!


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