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Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife

Fri, Feb 5, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by pasukaru76 (we’re going to pretend the figure in the red pants is a dude with a really bad mullet)

Dear Em and Lo,

I have a friend let’s call him “A”, we used to be closer, but as time has gone by, we probably see each other every other month or so, and the occasional email of non-importance (humor, etc). I’ve known for a while that “A” has had a crush on my wife. In fact all my friends think she is a catch.

“A” sends my wife emails several times a week, political commentaries, humor, a little bit of everything, but nothing too personal. My wife was recently hospitalized for several weeks. “A” went out of his way (30 or so miles) to see her several times a week. While she was in the hospital she was up all hours, and my friend would drunk dial her. During these conversations he would tell her about how much of a crush he has always had on her, how special he thought she was, how she should go to baseball games with him (season ticket holder), how he was lonely and needed a woman in his life, and would also ask her for advice on meeting women.

My wife was very upfront about this happening, and just blew it off as him being harmless, and that he was making up for the times when he had dropped the ball in years past when we had a mutual friend in the hospital, and he didn’t step up to the plate.

When I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends called me more than her, emailed me, flirted with me, drunk dialed me, etc., my wife said she got the picture and that it would be inappropriate.

Not more than 20 minutes later my wife said she was going to call him, to make sure he wasn’t embarrassed by the things he said during the drunken conversations.

Now he is coming over for dinner.

I don’t have many close friends, so losing a friend really hurts. I know my wife isn’t attracted to him, but I still can’t stomach his behavior. I feel disrespected.

I have already been struggling with my lack of close friends, trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, why I have acquaintances instead of friends, why I no longer have deeper friendships in my life? Believe me I am keeping my therapist busy.

Do I keep this friendship? Do I try and salvage it? Or do I walk away?

– Virtual Cuckold

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79 Responses to “Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife”

  1. rd Says:

    Wow. I cant believe you second guess yourself! Always, always go with your gut feeling. Your wife needs to put an end to this right NOW. If she seriously doesnt just love the attention, she wont even hesitate. If she hesitates, and says, yeah, I’ll do it later, that will confirm she loves the attention. I cant believe she hasnt said something already. If he continues, then, you need to step in and say, dude, what the hell? If one more phone call to your wife occurs, this man needs to be out of your life permanently!! p.s. did I mention never second guess your gut feeling? When something smells rotten, it usually is!!

  2. Justine Says:

    If this guy is your friend and he’s flirting with your wife then it says one of two things. 1. He’s too in love to realize what he’s doing, so talk to him about it, in private of course. 2. The little shit has been using you for god knows how long to get to your wife, so drop kick his ass. He’s obviously out of control and its only a matter of time before he’s sick of all the rejection from your wife, and harms either himself, your wife or you.

  3. Peggy Says:

    With friends like this, who needs enemies? Your wife should tell this guy to get lost. You should find a real friend; this guy isn’t one.

  4. Tina Says:

    The writing is on the wall. Alcohol is “truth serum”, hence the drunk dialing with emotional barbs. Neither individual is respecting the husband, because any self-respecting woman would have put an end to this long ago. Have you ever met someone that upon first glance was not your type, but sort of “grew on you” (not like mold, lol)? It is not impossible here, and he (the friend) is offering emotional support that the wife is continuously inviting. Sure, she is “upfront” about what the friend is saying, but what about her own responses? Also, once he even started any type of dialogue that would suggest romantic interest, why did she not put him in his place from the beginning? This sounds like your best “friend” has become her emotional one, possibly filling a connection she feels she is missing with her husband. It’s not too late to fix, but men can be just as coy as women…and patient. It’s only a matter of time before her defenses, or what’s left of them are completely worn down, and this man will be writing about whether or not he should attend their wedding. If you do not step to the plate and state your case, yes this will continue, and end badly. The last thing you want is for her to go behind your back, but it is imperative that you let her know exactly how you feel without mincing words. Her loyalty should be to you, the one she said her vows to, not some friend, I don’t care how close. You allowed this by sitting back and thinking it was friendly fire. Think about this: in cop talk, (I am not one), “friendly fire” is when one cop gets shot by another cop. How is the fire ever friendly when one always ends up hurt, or may even wind up dead? Think about that, the next time you want to dismiss this deadly relationship suicide. DO SOMETHING, or you will be buying something from their gift registry at Tiffany’s.

  5. Denise Says:

    My ex had a business partner that tried to seduce me just to “one up” him and I messed it up by not dealing with it. It was my ex’s surprize 40th birthday party. Obviously my ex was hammered to the gills and his “partner” who was in on the scheme drove him home because I had all the presents in my car. I felt bad because he would have to drive over 45 minutes hammered so I told him to sleep on the couch. My ex was puking his guts out and I was trying to help him, finally after the drama settled down, I heard a knock and a whisper….”come here”….”come here”…I was wasted and tired myself and being the young un I just slammed the bedroom door as loud as I could and locked it. Now as a older woman I would have ventured more into the situation and asked him point blank “what are you thinking/looking for” then I would have had concrete evidence to tell my husband that it was rotten to the core and a no good situation. Because I went with my “gut” my ex thought I was over dramatic and “imanging” things and this was the single most biggest cut to our relationship and started the divorce. His business partner encouraged our divorce and eventually encouraged the divorce of his subsequent wife. He was so butt ugly or else I would have suspected a gay thing but who knows. He died of cancer and everyone thought I was an asshole when I didn’t care.

  6. Karen Says:

    The wife is the problem not the friend. She should have completely stopped all contact with the friend when she realized his attention and intentions. Period.

  7. KK Says:

    I hope, this would be your last worry in life. And I think it’s about time to get over with it. Sure, it’s good that you love your wife, but it’s clear she is not interested in A? Just relax and make sure she is happy and you- the one she’ll always want.

  8. Krazett Says:

    I just passing by when I read this. I say you can’t blame your friend for falling for her if she is in deed a good catch. Your friend may be hurting. I am sure he not trying to hurt anyone but he care for her a great deal. This guy is perhaps one you would have choosen to be your best man. Yes he is smitten but the 2 of you need to find a way together to tell him the you see into him. Carefuly and lovingly tell he by find him someone a lot like her. She might also try not responging to emails and phone calls from him or she will fall for him too! The bible say dont let your good be evil spoken of! Stay out of the public eye and dont share this with your other friends if they haven’t figured it out already. Yes the ties need to be broken for this time. Yet for a time of praying for the 3 of you. Just know that your friend is hurting! You dont want him to hurt himself! He needs company but not your wife!

  9. Jose Says:

    You already took the first step. You had a conversation with your wife. Now it is time for a strict follow-up. It is decision time. Your wife needs to decide where she wants to be.
    This is a zero tolerance situation. Be ready to sent her packing if it should come to that. I hope you work out your differences.

  10. TS-SC Says:

    I would just sit down and tell him what he is doing and that you don’t like it. I would also have your wife be in on some of the conversation. You can tell him he needs to straighten up or your frendship is going to be gone. As far as that friendships are nice but not always what we need. I have been married for 31 years to the same woman and am happy to say that she is and has been my best friend. Yes we do things with other people but as far as a friendship I have the best one right here, I think you need to remember that, this is the most important one, that’s the one you need to make sure you keep. Now don’t wait and don’t let it worry you be right up front. Keep the faith things will work themselves out.

  11. mike Says:

    dude..grow a set.tell your friend to stop the be.you say you dont want to loose a friend..hes not your friend if hes hitting on your wife.also..your wife is incoreging him.she probably likes the attention.otherwise she would have told the “friend off and set the boundries rite off the bat.
    i say tell your “friend” he needs to stop calling your wife and making plans with her and tell your wife to let this guy know rite up fron nothing will ever happen between them and that if he can stay inside the boundries of a platonic friendship as in no flirting and saying that hes atracted to her then he needs to stop calling and find a new hobbie.

  12. LS Says:

    All I can say to you is that “there is a storm coming, and it looks like you will be the one to get wet,and if you do not start growing some balls and step in yourself and handle the situation;if you believe that there is one, then prepare to get an umbrella, because the storm is coming.

  13. Fred Says:

    I hit on them because I want to get them into bed.No way do I want a serious relationship,just a f buddy.I can get other friends so his friendship doesn’t mean anything nore do I care about whom I hurt as long as I get in her pants.We will have our fling & move on to the next one so who does it hurt anyway.I’m a stud & need to keep it going.If he never finds out who gets hurt?

  14. Janet Says:

    This guy is not your friend if he’s bold enough to flirt with your wife and doesn’t seem to care that you know. Drop his *ss he’s not worth having in your life. You should actually be the one to tell him to back off your woman. One thing, just make sure your wife isn’t telling him anything to keep encouraging his behavior towards her. Good luck.

  15. Int_Travel_Guy Says:

    You have 2 actions here that you HAVE to do.

    1. Kick his butt to the curb, and never speak to him again…….end of story, game over, caput. He’s NOT your friend.

    2. Tell your wife that if she continues to entertain this schmuck, she’s next. She is enabling his behavior.

  16. Marzo521 Says:

    What is up with that?!!!!! What is a true definition of a friend!!!!??? Evidently this person is the opposite of true friendship!!! You would never disrespect your firend or his wife in he first place if he is in love with her He should just leave the friendship and never see them again no explanation needed!!! The wife did right by going to her husband about it!!! But like my mother use to say you came into this world by yourself and you leave here by your self!!!! Only God can be your judge and jury and your helper so you dont need people who are only their to sponge and who are trully jealous of your life and happiness!!! Get rid of the bum!!!!

  17. Leah Says:

    I went through a similar situation. There was a woman whom I was friends with, not close friends but still friends. She came onto my husband every chance she got! She called him five times in one day on his bosses cell phone while they were roaming!(My husband was fired the next day, first time in his life!) When he got a new job, he was careful not to tell his best friend whom she was married to where he worked. She called my son’s school and upset them so badly that they called a meeting with us regarding this “crazy woman’s” phone call, one that lasted three hours and docked my husband a half a days pay. She tried to forward my mail! She came by at night to see my husband and kids while I was in college classes.
    She was hateful as heck to me at times and she deliberately tried to make me think that something was going on between her and my husband
    whom she tried desperately to be alone with trying to get the kids to leave the room more than
    once, then when she used some of my friends artwork to make siggys and put MY name on it, I just blew a fuse and ended the friendship finally and for good. I tried to end it several times before that but she wasn’t so good at taking hints. It was sad because my husband had to end
    his friendship with his friend because of his friends wife. However word around the campfire was she had done this before. My advice on this is simple: END THE FRIENDSHIP cause real friends do not do this. Thats what we did.

  18. jules Says:

    don’t ever say your wife is not interested in “A”. if she wasn’t this would have stop a long time ago. your wife is definitely interested on some level and she is enjoying the attention. but its obvious she loves you enough to tell you about his calls.
    You need to cut “A” off now or you will regret it. good luck in what ever decision you make

  19. Diane Says:

    I have walked in your shoes in the past. I could clearly tell a friend of mine was very interested in my boyfriend ,did not care how her actions affected me. She prefers my boyfriend over me. It just changed the way I saw her. My boyfriend at first didn’t think much of it. Then one day,he ran into her ,when I wasn’t there. Well she made a pass at him. He was surpised that she was willing to take it that far. He told me , and he told her he wasn’t interested in her that way. He then told her,she wasn’t welcomed around us anymore.

  20. Tambra Says:

    Dang…Your wife is enjoying this or she would have already stopped it. She should step up with you by her side (if thats what she wants) & tell him she loves you & there will never be anything between them. Also say maybe sorry if this ends our friendship but if he is hitting on your wife he isnt really that good of a friend anyway. Good luck to you & I hope she makes the right choice. Stay strong.

  21. Melissa Says:

    hey I’m in the same situation and I almost felt stupid looking up on line what I was going through. The role are reversed and I have a long term girlfriend that I feel is hitting on my husband. We’ve talked about the situation and I explained my uncomfortableness with her call him without me knowing. He did say it was a little uncomfortable and because she’s my friend I can say something. I don’t feel that comfortalbe saying anything but you’re not alone and you shoudl protect your relationship even if it means giving up a friend. Viola, I know what to do now. thanks I hope all works out.

  22. Rachael Says:

    talk about disrespect. kudos to the wife for being up front, but what a creeper. bag that man, find a real friend.

  23. sam Says:

    Cut all contacts with him; god forbid if your wife starts feeling something for him!!! this guy has openly stated that he has a crush on her and goes out of his way to be near her. he is a troublemaker, just tell him clearlt that you don’t like him chatting too much with your wife and tell him to keep his distance.

  24. also need some Says:

    Man, I hope you haven’t been neglecting her emotionally ,if so you opened your relationship up to this and you better fix it fast! If not, understand that we women tend to feel bad for people and nurture them even when there’s really nothing we can do other than listen to them and be supportive. We’re conditioned to be good people and help. It takes alot for us to not feel bad sometimes about putting someone in their place. We often times make excuses for men’s behavior as we are looking for the best in them. Only you know if your relationship is in trouble…..

  25. Also someone needs to say above^ Says:

    Ok, I can understand if someone has been neglecting their wife emotionally that this can lead to trouble but if she starts using excuses like the one above^ (“understand that we women tend to feel bad for people and nurture them even when there’s really nothing we can do other than listen to them and be supportive. We’re conditioned to be good people and help.”) then it is time, my friend, for YOU to move on.

  26. PUH LEEZE !!! Says:

    i think that person means that chicks dont always see guys bs for what it is.lowlifes like his friend will not respect the boundary and the wife may not realize what hes getting at,at first anyway.

  27. Ryan Says:

    End it yourself. He’s no friend.

  28. Brad Says:

    I agree with the folks that say this man’s wife must be enjoying A’s attention because she has enabled A to continue his behavior. His wife shouldn’t have let it go this long. This is how fights get started between men. His wife has put him between a rock and a hard place. I think the question here is how does this man tell his wife that she is partly responsible for what’s happening with A. She’s probably not going to be happy to hear that. Especially from her husband.

    My wife had a guy flirting with her and would even tell me about it but wouldn’t put a stop to it when I asked her to. She liked the attention and after awhile began to expect it from him and started to pursue it. It crossed way over the line and now she wishes she had stopped it from the get go. Be careful what you wish for.

  29. Tom Says:

    Boys can not be friends with girls it does not work period.

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