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Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife

Fri, Feb 5, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by pasukaru76 (we’re going to pretend the figure in the red pants is a dude with a really bad mullet)

Dear Em and Lo,

I have a friend let’s call him “A”, we used to be closer, but as time has gone by, we probably see each other every other month or so, and the occasional email of non-importance (humor, etc). I’ve known for a while that “A” has had a crush on my wife. In fact all my friends think she is a catch.

“A” sends my wife emails several times a week, political commentaries, humor, a little bit of everything, but nothing too personal. My wife was recently hospitalized for several weeks. “A” went out of his way (30 or so miles) to see her several times a week. While she was in the hospital she was up all hours, and my friend would drunk dial her. During these conversations he would tell her about how much of a crush he has always had on her, how special he thought she was, how she should go to baseball games with him (season ticket holder), how he was lonely and needed a woman in his life, and would also ask her for advice on meeting women.

My wife was very upfront about this happening, and just blew it off as him being harmless, and that he was making up for the times when he had dropped the ball in years past when we had a mutual friend in the hospital, and he didn’t step up to the plate.

When I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends called me more than her, emailed me, flirted with me, drunk dialed me, etc., my wife said she got the picture and that it would be inappropriate.

Not more than 20 minutes later my wife said she was going to call him, to make sure he wasn’t embarrassed by the things he said during the drunken conversations.

Now he is coming over for dinner.

I don’t have many close friends, so losing a friend really hurts. I know my wife isn’t attracted to him, but I still can’t stomach his behavior. I feel disrespected.

I have already been struggling with my lack of close friends, trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, why I have acquaintances instead of friends, why I no longer have deeper friendships in my life? Believe me I am keeping my therapist busy.

Do I keep this friendship? Do I try and salvage it? Or do I walk away?

– Virtual Cuckold

Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.

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79 Responses to “Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife”

  1. Dave W Says:

    I chose the first option, but I’m not too optimistic. “A” has already shown that “VC” isn’t very important to him by prioritizing his wife over him with e-mails, etc. He needs to talk to his wife again about this too, and not just simply chastise, but be aware of underlying issues she might have. Being very attractive, she might be used to receiving adoration, and could somewhat rely on it for affirmation.

  2. Johnny Says:

    My friends don’t hit on my girl, but when other guys do, I handle it by barging in. No aggression or anything, I just try to express the following: “I see you’ve met my girlfriend. Cool. Now you’re meeting me. I’m am now the center of this conversation.”

    They invariably fuck off fast.

    Next time he calls your wife, ask her for the phone and give him a friendly, “what’s up, dude?” YOU are who he’s talking to now.

    Also, embarass him. In a ‘kidding around’ tone, say something like: “it’s cute that you’re in love with my wife, but why don’t you try hitting on a single girl, ya loser?”

    Finally, if he doesn’t get the message, get rid of him explicitly. Tell him he’s a scumbag and to get lost.

  3. ss Says:

    Wow, Dave W and Johnny totally have the man’s point of view covered, with wise words and humour. I think Dave is right that the wife is enjoying the attention, or she would have shut “A” down right away, and I love Johnny’s solution to put himself into the conversation, to remind the inappropriate friend that there’s already a man in that relationship. Now, here’s a woman’s point of view: Personally, I think VC needs to ditch this “friendship.” There’s a big difference between acknowleding that a friend’s spouse is attractive, and acting out. The wife needs to put her husband first and not use “A”‘s attention as an ego-boost. If she’s attractive, then she knows what male attention is like, and it’s BS that she claims “A”‘s attention is innocent, women know when a guy is hitting on them, or even giving them the once-over. So, she must like/be encouraging the flirtation, the question is why? Is she insecure? Does she feel like she needs to remind her husband that other men find her attractive? Does VC have enough troubles of his own that his wife feels she’s not getting enough attention at home? These are the questions I’d ask, right after VC informs his wife that “A” is definitely not welcome in their home.

  4. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Women don’t always realize it right away when you man’s friends hit on you. Sometimes, especially if you’ve known the guy a while, there’s a “no way, it’s innocent kidding around” thinking, as you don’t actually believe this guy would risk his friendship with your man for such an unlikely coupling, especially if you’ve done nothing to egg him on and feel nothing for him BUT friendship.

    Of course, some guys think your answering the phone, occasionally making eye contact or even just and saying “hi” is encouragement, and and one guy’s innocent teasing is an other guy’s all out flirting. So, sometimes we can’t tell.

    I’m the kind of women who sometimes gets along with men better than some women, most of the time, and most male relationships involve a LOT of teasing and dissing and trash talk, so I usually see this kind of thing and engage in it as one of the boys. Once in a great while these things “cross the line” very stealthily. I’m usually the last to know.

    My Man and I had a friend who we had to cut loose because of crossing the line, or trying to. He had known this guy since they were kids, I knew him as long as I had known My Man, and he was just a buddy. I wrote to him a lot, when he was in the Marines, (pre internet) because I felt bad he was so far from home, and was always playing and trash talking with him. He had a tragedy when his first wife died and things changed, I didn’t notice at first. Yeah, there were some “drunk calls” (thankfully not often late at night) but when he started showing up, again and again, at the house “because I was in the neighborhood” when My Man wasn’t home, asking if I wanted to have a beer with him (I don’t drink, and he knew this) or wanting me to go to lunch with him, which I always declined, stuff like that.

    Then one day I found him going through my dresser drawers, My Man had to lay down the Law and tell him, under no circumstance was he to come to our house when HE wasn’t home, nor to call me, and eventually it was just too uncomfortable and my husband had to break all ties with this guy. I was honestly clueless, until the dresser drawer incident. I don’t what he told My Man when he was caught doing this, but it pissed him off to no end.

    My Man doesn’t have a big load of good friends, either, so it hurt to have to let this guy go. (And at the same time, this dude was getting in trouble with the law, leaving his girlfriend every other weekend, (and asked if he could stay with US! UH-UH!) and things were just going downhill with him in all spheres.) I think a lot of men stop making friends after High School or College, especially when they get married and have a family, and have to work etc.

    A lot of guys tend to rely on the old friends they made when they were younger. Most of they few newer guys he hangs around with now, I actually have to PUSH him in order to get him to respond to new friendship overtures. (“Billy called you four times and you were tired or busy, for heaven’s sake, go out for a beer with him! He’s trying to be a friend.” I’ll get a mumbled, “OK.” and foot shuffling, but then he’ll have a good time, I swear it’s like setting up Play Dates for a Toddler….so I can understand when a man doesn’t want to lose an old friend and make new ones.)

    But, for VC, IMO, he needs to lay down the law with his buddy. Especially if the guy is professing affection for his wife and there are numerous “drunk calls.” Not good, I know now. VC, your friends need to respect YOU and respect your woman. Hitting on your woman is NOT respectful, and he needs to know it is not cool and it could end the relationship. Once you know a guy is interested in your wife, it is really never the same, so I don’t know how this will work out. I know you don’t want to lose and old friend, and he’ll probably fall back on the old “Oh, man I was so drunk when I called her. I don’t even know what I said.” Maybe you could save the friendship, I have no idea.

    I guess it depends on how he responds when you put down some guidelines. Sometimes a break will help, but if you are like most guys every time he talks to your wife or even looks at her, you’ll get upset. I don’t blame you, but at least talk to the guy, man to man.

    Good luck. And don’t blame your wife, my guess is she really believed it was just an innocent friendship.

  5. Jennifer Says:

    I think you should start with a and b, but in the end it’ll boil down to d, because the guy has NO respect for either of them, or the word “no,” and continues pushing the wife. Ugh. Not someone you’d want to be friends with anyway, I think.

    I also agree that the wife may very well not have clued in that this guy REALLY WANTS TO BOINK HER right off the bat and was just being nice. Been there, done that, awkward.

  6. lee Says:

    The wife is very aware of what is happening. The sad part is she is keeping it going, a serious slap in the face to her husband. Even after VC discussed with her how it made him feel and how it would make her feel if it was reversed she still went and talked with the “friend” and invited him to dinner. Buddy, she has no respect for you and it is obvious that something is going on. You need to see a psychologist for marriage therapy ASAP. If she hasn’t done something yet, it will happen very soon. No one that cares and loves you would put you through this pain. She is either angry with you, or is emotionally immature and needs counseling.

  7. Black Iris Says:

    A friend who calls up your wife and tells her he has a crush on her is not a real friend. Tell him your wife talked to you and you don’t want to have any contact with him. Let your wife know how you feel and ask her to cut off contact with him, too.

    I think your wife probably just enjoys the attention, but she should be willing to follow your lead in this since he’s your friend.

    Don’t put up with bad treatment in order to have a friend. Look for new friends.

  8. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I don’t think any of us here know for sure if this man’s wife really knew the guy was hitting on her originally.

    This is hard, because men past college age (and women to a lesser extent) DO have a hard time making new friends. I remember a cousin of mine had a huge posse of friends in the old neighborhood, and moved out of state to start a new business. He bemoaned the inability to make new male friends. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked me, “Go up to some guy in a bar? He’ll think I’m hitting on him. It sucks.” And, as I said, I have almost PUSHED My Man into friendship relationships with other men, because he just is slow on the uptake, I guess.

    He still spends most of his time with the kids and me, with only a few male friends he sees occasionally. (One lives next door to us, and the majority of their relationship, if the the guy’s wife and I don’t schedule something to do with all four of us, is standing in the driveway talking about cars and sports. They have the occasional lunch, as they work close to each other, but if my closest friend worked two blocks from MY job, we’d be inseparable! Not two lunches a month. :)

    It’s hard for adults to make new friends, but especially men over college age. I commiserate with this man, but his “friend” really crossed a boundary which may cause an irreparable break in their relationship.

    There is certainly nothing “simple” about this situation. I hope he and his wife can work it out to a comfortable closure situation.

  9. Dave W Says:

    Lee,
    The dinner situation happening right after their conversation really bothered me too. Either she still isn’t quite getting it, or it points to something more troublesome. He should also learn to step up and put a stop to something like that. I’d be like, “Fuck, no!” If the friend lived in the same town and not 30 miles away, I’d also be worried that something more could be going on. The whole thing really needs to be dealt with.

  10. SS Says:

    Madamoiselle L, I agree with you that men have trouble making/maintaining friendships, as they seem to need an excuse to get together (fishing, watching a game, etc.) whereas women can just socialize…however, if I had a friend who was repeatedly hitting on my husband, that would just be a “no go” area, and I’d write off that friendship pretty fast, regardless of how many or how few other friends I had. Also, I have found that even though I’ve been married for years, I never spend time alone with my husband’s male friends, even men who are part of a couple that my husband and I are super close to. We can have plenty of friendly banter when the couples are all together, but the odd time when one of his friends has stopped by and my husband’s not home, the friend and I seem to have an almost stilted conversation, NEVER any of the playful banter that happens when we’re all together, because I think we’re both very aware of never crossing any lines…so, no, I guess we can’t know what VC’s wife was thinking for sure, but as a woman, my gut feeling is that this is some sort of power trip for her, especially after her husband talked about his concerns and she’s STILL encouraging the guy…

  11. Aimee Says:

    I know some people in a very similar situation to this (except in their early/mid 20s and dating, not married). Despite being told firmly and repeatedly by the girl that she is only interested in being his friend, he continues to touch her inappropriately and try to ruin her relationship with her boyfriend (who is/was supposedly his friend)by insisting that he is a ‘player’ who doesn’t care about her (which is a massive lie). The couple are now in the process of cutting off ties with this supposed ‘friend’. Hopefully VC’s ‘friend’ will take the hint and back off before this needs to happen…

  12. Dex Says:

    “she was going to call him, to make sure
    HE wasn’t embarrassed by the things he said during the drunken conversations”

    That’s TROUBLE, right there.

    Unless her Only reason was to preserve the friendship between her husband and his friend, her conversation should have been a polite, but Very Firm “Thanks, but NO THANKS… This is simply NOT appropriate.”

    It seems as if she needs some kind of attention/affirmation/confirmation beyond what she is getting from her husband (and normal friends). Otherwise, she would already have re-established proper boundaries.

    If the dinner was set up so that all three of them could discuss and remediate the situation together openly, I could be OK with it. But, most people aren’t able do deal with such uncomfortable situations in an even-tempered, matter-of-fact fashion.

    It needs to be splelled out clearly that the friendship is In Crisis (as may be the marriage) and that serious changes need to happen, NOW!

    Need Friends?
    Join a club, group, or sports league… volunteer, etc.
    This works especislly well if the group/organizetion has lots of couples — the ladies can set up Play Dates for their men beyond the regular meetings and help foster bonding.

    I’ve had crushes that were un-pursuable…
    and the few times I’ve been dumb enough to blurt out (even partially) the depth of my admiration, it took only that first utterance to change the dynamic of a friendship. Some relationships were easily repaired when I made clear that these were just my feelings and I had only wanted to express them — Not Act On Them. Other times, I was not able to re-establish the formre closeness.

    Good Luck
    and don’t hesitate to get counseling to make the marriage the best it can be.

  13. fuzzy Says:

    Ahem.

    This is a thinking, functioning female. Were it me, you are damned right I’d be continuing friendship with this guy….NO person has the right to decide who I can be friends with, and were my husband/SO to hop in and tell friend to take a hike, all hell would break loose.

    Which, in fact, may be just what is going on here. It was innocent, husband type jumped up in a jealous hissy fit, and wife got angry and is carrying it on simply to assert her right to do so.

    You’ve told your wife you don’t like it. Do you do things she doesn’t like? Have you immediately stopped doing them upon being requested to do so? Be honest, now….

  14. LoveHoney - Carly Says:

    I went for option B. She should be the one to tell A to back off.

    If her partner steps in and tells A to give it a rest, it looks as if he is being possessive and not giving her a chance to speak for herself.

    It’s then entirely possible that A would be more secretive about his contact, thinking that she wants to speak to him but VC won’t allow it.

  15. Real Woman Says:

    I believe that VC should be a man and step up to the plate. Many times a man belives that if another man is flirting with his woman, it’s HER place to tell him to back off. If VC tells his friend to back off that will show his wife that he cares about their relationship. It will also show his friend that it really bothers him that he is acting out on his feelings toward his wife. It is truly disrespectful on both parts though, don’t think just yet that I am on the woman’s side. For any woman to allow for another man to make overtures is completely disrespectful and very damaging. There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. Obviosly this woman likes the attention and by NOT telling him to back off to begin with, She was ENCOURAGING it. Now the man is having to step in to try to repair damage that’s been done. There’s no way to reverse it but VC and his wife can learn and grow from this experiance and move forward together.

  16. michael toland Says:

    Well in my book this really is a no brainer. I mean come on you are married and a person who is supposed to be your friend is in any way shape or form “HITTING” on your “WIFE”. Hey i commend you first off for not hitting on him with your fists. And second this guy is not your friend, like a couple people said before me he is a scumbag. Kick his ass to the curb before you have to kick his ass on the curb.
    Good ridence MF and dont come crawling back. As in see C-YA later, like later later, never.

  17. AT Says:

    A friend of my husband’s hit on me a few years ago. First sign that something wasn’t on the up and up was him calling me instead of my husband to invite us over to some event. Then he said, “Heard you got your sexy body back–bet you’re sooo hot now.” (I had just given birth 10 months ago at the time) I said, “Why don’t you ask my husband? He’s right here,” and passed the phone to him. I could hear this friend screaming, “No, don’t!!!” as I was passing my cellphone to my hubby.

    He never tried anything with me again. I relate this because I’m wondering why the wife didn’t shut this friend down considering he was already very blatantly hitting on her, and she knows her husband doesn’t like it. Like Real Woman, I also suspect she’s liking the attention. This is something that VC should also address.

  18. Bea Says:

    Wow “virtual cuckold” that is a strong statement.If you are already feeling calling yourself “cuckold” and you must find this offensive.I say throw your f___ed-up acquaintance the door and you and your wife should seek marriage council. Or you are headed for some future resentments .

  19. SHEEPDOG Says:

    VC said that his wife is considered to be quite a catch so it goes without saying that she “knows what she has” and also is very aware that other men know it too. She also knows when another man is seriously hitting on her and to call him was bad enough but to invite him to dinner was both an open invitation to him and a slap in the face to her husband. This marriage has some serious issues and it doesn’t have anything to do with her being told who to befriend and who not to. I hate to be a predicter of doom but VC will probably be on the outside looking in before too much longer.
    Been there, done that !

  20. vella Says:

    you are in for a shock.you friend will take over you if you wife gives him that much attention.what she calls friendship will turn into love because,for us women our love for somebody grows with time.talk to your friend about that issue.good luck

  21. dogdiva Says:

    Personally I think the wife is enjoying this “extra” attention she is getting from “A”. The only one who can stop this so-called “unwanted” attention is the wife. Trust me, if “A” wasn’t getting feedback from her he would stop. She is fueling his fire.

  22. vix Says:

    I’m with Johnny. Let the men handle this. And I bet the wife wil end up liking the way her man steps in to save her from his perceived threat, even if she doesn’t feel threatened at all.

  23. Sean Kelly Says:

    Sorry but if I were the guy I would dump the wife and his ‘friend’. No ‘friend’ expresses romantic feelings with someone you are in a committed reationship with. No significant other should fail to recognize how inapporpiate this guy was acting. She is more interested in the flattery (and maybe the guy) then in maintaining her own values. Neither of these people would stay in my life.

  24. Chris Says:

    This snake in the grass knows _exactly_ what he is doing. He is trying to position himself as a guy friend, so that if there is a misstep in your relationship, he will be ready to move.

    He is a coward because he hides his intentions behind the guise of “friendship.” Some people like to think they can handle a very cosmopolitan and liberal relationships, but they are flirting with danger.

    Guy should sit down with other guy and tell him to get lost and be specific. He doesnt need him as a friend. He needs to be very careful and talk to his wife first and let her know what is going down. The snake will feign ignorance and try to make the husband look paranoid and pathetic.

    This kind of sociopath needs careful handling.

    As for making friends, that is something that he should probably discuss with his wife. Becoming more social and meeting good people is not easy but is a separate problem from this creep hitting on his wife.

  25. Frankie Says:

    Get rid of the friend. First and foremost, he’s lusting after your wife and disrespecting your relationship with her. That is not a friend, a friend is supposed to be there for you and you hold some sort of relationship with them where you are respected. Sure you say that you don’t have many friends and in todays world friendships are hard to come by, but to consider this person a friend when they are clearly going after someone that you clearly saw was special enough to be your wife, then you might as well cut the friendship loose. Me myself don’t have too many friends and maybe you have the same problem I have, which is letting people close enough to see your vulneralities.

  26. Chrissy B. Says:

    After reading this I can say without doubt that A’s behavior is entirely inappropriate and disrespectful not only to his friendship with Virtual Cuckold but also towards Virtual Cuckold’s relationship with his wife. Perhaps if it was just passing along funny or political emails, even if at the rate described, then I’d honestly let it slide, but the overwhelming amount of attention not to mention the drunk dialing, A is treating this man’s wife like she’s an “ex” he’s still hung up on. If he had a crush, then so be it, but that crush has to be in the past. She’s not on the market. In a way it’s sad that this man is so lonely/desperate that he’s pretty much hitting on his friends wife but he needs a wake up call. Either cut it out completely and get over the crush, move on with your life and find a woman on your own who is available, or the friendship is over. No extra chances. Either he stops the behavior or the friendship is over. I have to say I think his wife should be the one to say something because despite her discomfort in hurting A’s feelings, I think she hasn’t helped by letting the behavior go on without saying something. So she should say something and if that doesn’t work, then Virtual Cuckold needs to take a stand and say in no uncertain terms that while he’d hate to lose a friend, his relationship with his wife is the utmost priority and he’s not going to allow anyone into their lives who is trying to undermine that relationship. As for only having acquaintances, I think it’s not that uncommon that as you get older you tend to just have fair weather friends and not necessarily deep bonds. People change and grow up and their focuses and priorities change, and our best friends/buddies we were so close to during school aren’t always going to be there for us and vice versa. A friend who won’t respect you and stop blatantly flirting with your wife isn’t a friend to hold onto in my opinion. Sometimes you have to cut out friends who hurt you even if it’s hard. A friend should better your life and make you a better person, not leave you feeling jealous or questioning who you are like somehow their bad behavior is your fault. Sorry for writing a book there but I couldn’t be any more concise. Lol.

  27. LA Says:

    As a married woman, I enjoy getting hit on every once in a while. There isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t enjoy the affirmation that she still “has it!” But I can tell you, nothing turns me on more than when my husband puffs up his chest and lets the other guy know it’s time to back off the goods. Call it whatever you want to call it, but it usually ends up putting a spark in our evening! I get the affirmation that indeed I can still attract others, and my husband gets to pound his chest with his fists. Primal, I know, but we all enjoy it.

    The issue comes when the woman is actively seeking attention from other males to fill some void. A good solution….try not to overthink the situation too much. It’s just another form the ego is taking to revive itself; it doesn’t have anything to do with who the two of you are as people. Take a deep breath, clear your mind and erase your thoughts about the situation, and you can take action from that place of power. Step up, tell the guy to back off, and claim your woman! That man has no right to enjoy flirtatious adventures with your wife. That is for you only. I know it sounds carnal, but by showing her that you are a man of power and that you can and will stop any other man’s advances, she will know that you value her enough to fight for her. Don’t take her flirting too personally. It’s just an ego boost; once you put this guy in his place, you’ll remind her why you married her in the first place.

    As far as the friend thing goes…you’ll be with your wife a lot longer than you’ll be with most friends. And what does it matter that you don’t have hundreds of friends? Does it lower your value as a person? Who is the one telling you that it’s bad you don’t have “enough friends?” It’s just your ego saying that you’re not good enough. Don’t listen to it; it’s just mind-made BS. It’s worthless and it has no power or meaning. You are just fine…enough so that your wife married you, and your so-called “friend” is a desperate single guy reduced to hitting on his friend’s wife!!

  28. fuzzy Says:

    It still isn’t the guy’s problem. If she doesn’t like it, it is up to her to tell the friend to stop…..If the husband doesn’t like it, he still doesn’t own the wife’s interactions. He canNOT determine her friends, as she is neither chattel property nor a minor child.

  29. SS Says:

    Fuzzy, I think you’re missing the point: this situation isn’t about what is legally true, it’s about respecting one’s spouse, and acknowledging that selfish ego-boosting actions can be hurtful to your spouse, period. You have already mentioned elsewhere that you “aren’t good at being married,” well, this is what is being discussed here, what works in a marriage, not what works in an open/”sexual sharing” relationship, which is more what you seem to be advocating. It sounds like you can’t get past the idea that this woman’s husband, and other commenters, are wanting to have her cut off ties with A, and you see this as some sort of patriarchal dominace thing…I think that’s reading too much into it, it’s really just about respect, plain and simple. If she loves and respects her husband, she won’t do things that hurt him, including flirting/accepting flirtation from other men. I also think it’s pretty clear this isn’t a casual friendship that her husband is upset about, it’s one that has crossed what most people see as acceptable boundaries. Please remember, Fuzzy, that what you are advocating to other commenters (sexual sharing, no jealousy because you don’t actually have any claim to another person) is a pretty unique viewpoint, and wouldn’t work for most married/committed people…it’d be like the Pope trying to teach a Sex Ed course…

  30. NORM Says:

    Who want a woman that no other man want
    or what woman,want A man that no other
    Woman want

  31. fuzzy Says:

    No…my point isn’t that it might not be hurtful to the marriage, or that he might not like it. I do get that a: he doesn’t like it, not one little bit, and b: the guy really has crossed the line…..BUT it still isn’t husband’s place to step in and make this guy go away unless the wife clearly expresses the desire for him to do so.

    She isn’t a child. He isn’t her daddy…..and her choice of friendships is hers. They clearly have to deal with the fallout in their own marriage, but it still is HER decision who her friends are. The husband can choose to walk, to discuss that decision, to issue ultimatums (him or me?) but he cannot tell her who to have as a friend.

    And from a different angle: if she wants a flirty friend, what makes you think that making this one go away will make them all go away?

    Also, as someone who was previously in a seriously controlling marriage, why are we taking this guy’s word for what’s going on? Kind of one-sided…..

  32. CAT Says:

    AT DINNER TELL HIM THAT HE IS DIS’N YOU. TELL HIM IF HE DOSEN’T STAY FROM YOUR WOMAN HE WILL BE SMACKED. IF SHE DOSEN’T GET THAT MESSAGE TELL HERE TO HIT THE ROAD WITH WITH HIM RIGHT THERE. MAKE THAT THE LAST DINNER YOU HAVE WITH HIM. SHE DON’T LIKE IT – CHUCK SPAGETTI IN HER FACE; SEND HER PACKING SUPPER WITH AND FOR HIM. BOTH WILL EITHER HEAR YOU AND APOLOGIZE; OR NEGATE WHAT YOU SAY AS A “YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, JUST FRIENDLY BANTER”. HE OBVIOUSLY DISRESPECTS YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE. WONDER WHY?

  33. CAT Says:

    P.S. THE POPE ISN’T A VIRGIN FOLKS SO GROW UP

  34. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Cat, that’s lovely advice, of course, physical violence (especially when men direct it at women) solves EVERYTHING!

    (Please note heavy sarcasm )

    what does the Pope have to do with this?

    Never mind.

  35. Doug Says:

    Because nothing says “I love you” quite like a plate of pasta to the face….

  36. SS Says:

    Madamoiselle L, I’ll provide the translation ;) : CAT was referring to my post that a person (commenter Fuzzy) who doesn’t like to be married and thinks couples should share sexually rather than be jealous probably shouldn’t be doling out marriage advice to people in traditional relationships, and I said it would be like “the Pope teaching a Sex Ed course…” And yes, dear CAT, I realize that the Pope (as well as other Catholic priests) is not necessarily a virgin, but–and this is just a wild assumption on my part–I’m guessing he may be slightly repressed, ill-informed, and otherwise not the most fun in bed, and therefore not the BEST person to be teaching that Sex Ed class…capite?

  37. SlappyMcNugget Says:

    The guy needs to stop being such a wimp. Tell the dude to stop hitting on your wife, if you have to do this twice tell him with a bat.
    He wonders why he has no friends. Who wants to have wimpy friends, makes you look bad.

  38. fuzzy Says:

    Suggestion: switch the genders of both parties so that the story has a female telling another female to quit hitting on her husband….would you-all still recommend the same actions?

  39. darla Says:

    Doesn’t matter if you feel your wife is not attracted to your friend-she has not ignored his e-mails, visits or calling him-if you put a pu–y in front of a dog he will bite-it is not just the friend whose behavior is questionable here-your wife plays a part-it bothers you that this behavior is going on, you obviously do not find it acceptable-this issue is more about respect and perhaps your partners lack of true self esteem, and yours as well-partners work as a team, what hurts one has the ability to hurt the other as well.

    Look up the word respect, trust your gut on how you feel about it, talk to your partner and then decide if this is okay for YOU-don’t try to be moderen and ‘do the right thing’ work from your own integrity.

    I was once in your wifes position-and showed utter lack of respect caring or commitment to my previous boyfriend, I was selfish and self centered and ended up moving in with the ‘friend’. Both are my exes now-but my behavior in returning attention outside my relationship with my partner caused a lot of pain to our families and friends. Protect yourself-you are not the one exhibiting this behavior THEY are-take care of you.

    My shame at my own led me to not date for years in order to work on my issues and not hurt others in the future. I was wrong and lacking and had no right to do what I did. But you decide what works for you.

  40. Ann Theresa Says:

    It is all about respect for your marriage. I have been struggling with a friendship I had to cut with my girlfriend because she was getting to innappropriate with my husband.She called it “harmless flirting”. I called it seducing. It was and still is very difficult to run into her. I never had to cut off a friend ever in my life, so, I understand how VC feels. Thank you all for your input here. I felt and still feel somewhat guilty for cutting off ties, but I don’t think she will ever change, and I was tired of competing for my husbands attention. My husband was not interested in her, but never shut her down because he didn’t think anything of it. He is just too nice sometimes. He mentioned once, years ago that he felt uncomfortable with her suggestions, but it was just a passing comment that he didn’t really press the issue. Now, I wish I had because it would have stopped this in the bud. She continued to get more and more flirty. Yes…he should have said something. It blew up big time when I found out some of the things she had been saying to him just to get a rise out of him, (her words). It’s not her place to get a rise out of my husband! I no longer speak to her, but it is still very difficult to see her in church of all places. Friends do not undermine your marriage. Period. I kick myself for being so stupid. I did see this character flaw in her years ago, but I didn’t think she would be doing this to My husband, because I thought she was a friend of mine. Little did I know. People don’t change. Worst part is, her husband is dying, and she continues to flirt. She says he’s ok with it. I look at it as totally disrepectful. Oh well. Thank you all for your opinions, it helps me alot knowing that cutting ties with someone is hard, but what alot of you would have done. I have never had to do this with anyone in my 50yr on this earth, and hopefully I’ll never have to do it ever again. VC, this can strengthen your marriage….it did mine. It brought out subjects that we never discussed before. Now we know how to handle this subject in the future. Go flirt with your wife, everyday, and I will guarantee, this will never happen again. I wish you well.

  41. Dee Says:

    The wife should have put a stop to it a LONG time ago. She is enabling A. She obviously likes the attention regardless of the disrespect towards her husband. She should not take his emails, phone calls, or visits. She is just as wrong as A.

  42. Shane and Holli Says:

    As we both have read this! I must say I too am suprized you didnt pop this guy. “A” is absolutly NOT your friend he is disrespectful not only to you but to your wife and the sanctity of your marrage. Walk away from this individual he is nothing but problems and if you sir talkin to him doesnt work, then by all means protect your marrage and knock that idiot out! I also agree with Dee your wife is too at fault for not confronting him.

  43. Jc Says:

    The wife should have told him to f’ off already he has disrespected her man and doesn’t deserve to be either of their friends. You cant be a friend if there is no respect or boundaries.

    To the husband.. Man up guy.. Kick him to the curb.

  44. JCP Says:

    I agree with most of what’s been said here. VC’s friend is NOT a friend at all, in fact, an earlier post nailed it on the head when it pointed out that he is just trying to set him up as the ‘male friend’. Has anyone listened to Chris Rock’s definition of a “platonic friend”? He presents it like a “D–k in a glass case…Break in case of emergency”. He’s trying to lie in wait, until she’s vulnerable & then swoop in for the feast.

    The wife is wrong as well, for her actions and her own behavior. Since she seems to indulge this guy, perhaps more IS going on than he thinks. What did they talk about in his numerous visits to her in the hospital? Obviously she enjoyed the company, or she wouldn’t encourage it…much less invite him over AFTER her hubby expressed displeasure with the continual contact. VC needs to talk to both of them separately and stop it immediately. Does he wait for the wife to tell him about all of these calls, or does he check-out her cell bill? If “A”s number is on there multiple times, with each conversation lasting over 20 minutes each time…he needs to keep those records for his divorce lawyer, b/c that’s EXACTLY how it starts. Maybe he’s a wimp and is too afraid to confront either of them…fearing “A” will kick his butt & his wife might leave. So what? Better to endure that now, then down the road when even MORE is invested in this sham of a respectful relationship.

    Her inviting him to dinner to make sure HE wasn’t embarrassed was so clear. If we changed the sexes, you can be D*MN sure that my wife would put the kibosh on the friendship & threaten to leave if it continued…and well she should, if I did.

  45. Chrissy Says:

    I chose the first one because my future husband and I have already been through this with one of his friends. My hubby doesn’t have many friends and no really close friends, so we can relate on not wanting to cut friends loose.

    I let it go on for a little while to see if it was just harmless flirting or if he would try to act on it. Well, he did try to act on it and I shut him down quickly. He obviously held some respect for the friendship because he did stop after that. If he hadn’t have stopped I would have invited him over for a chat with me and my hubby and if that still didn’t work then we would have cut the friendship loose.

    I believe that is what your wife was trying to do. She is opening up a way for you to express the disrespect that you feel and a way to possibly save a friendship, by inviting him to dinner. Your wife has already expressed that she has no interest in him, and by being open about it she has proven it, so you should have no worries about that area. However, if the dinner goes fine and he agrees to stop but doesn’t I would cut him loose.

    As for not having many close friends, its okay if you don’t have many close friends. Most people only have a couple people they can relate to enough to be close. Just remember to be yourself and try not to censor yourself. If you censor yourself then people wont know the real you and wont be as close. I have also found that if you do become close to someone you have censored yourself around and you stop censoring you might loose them as a friend because they thought you were someone different. When I was younger I had one close friend and a few “friends at a distance” (you know, like your old school friends, you know them to well to be acquaintances but you don’t always hang out). I used to place a lot of importance into what people thought of me and the people around me could tell. When I came out of school I was past the point of caring what anyone thought and I had more friends. I stopped censoring myself and started letting people in, if they don’t like me it’s not my problem it’s theirs, we don’t have to see each other and if we do I will be as friendly as possible and not give them any reasons for impoliteness.

    I hope this helps you. I’m pretty young and so very limited on experiences to base my advice from. I like to believe it comes from my previous years in counseling and the experiences both. I live by a lot of what I shared and I believe I have a pretty good life.

  46. Southern Says:

    You need to get this guy out of your reationship asap, he apparantly has no respect for you, if he is a true friend to you he would keep his distance from your spouse. He has his motives and they don’t include your friendship, the longer this goes on it could turn you and your spouse’s relationship sour. Just tell him how you feel, you have that right, it is your spouse he is hitting on.

  47. fuzzy Says:

    he probably isn’t the guy’s friend but it is still up to the wife who she chooses to have as a friend. The husband’s choice is how he reacts…talk to the wife, decide to issue an ultimatum, whatever….

    Just don’t expect either a: the wife to fall over in gratitude if he steps in all heavy-handed….

    or b: The end of all problems because if it is symptomatic of a problem in the marriage it will recur.

  48. Haru Says:

    The fact that his wife brushed it off didn’t help the situation. He needs to speak with “A” about how uncomfortable he feels about it. Better if mutually he and his wife sat down with him and spoke out how they feel.

    The fact that “A” is saying when he is drunk how he likes his wife is no laughing matter. Things need to be addressed because I fear if his wife is just giggling and letting it happen is because she doesn’t fear another man getting in the way of her marriage…but I bet if it were the other way around where another woman was talking to her husband like “A” does.

  49. Marlene Says:

    I think that the wife should tell A to back off because he is not a true friend by doing what he has been doing. She should make it clear that she would in no way hurt her husband. She should tell her husband that he is the one that she love’s.

  50. Noonde Says:

    Very sample walk away because a true friend would never do that to you and for your wife to brush it off like it’s not a big deal is BS.


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