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Wise Guys – What Do Men Think About Sex Toys in Bed?

Tue, Mar 9, 2010

Advice, Wise Guys

photo by love janine

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: How do most guys feel when a woman brings her favorite sex toy into the bedroom? Threatened? Excited?

Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos): Unless it’s three-pronged, the Jackhammer Jesus, or obscenely elephantine, I think it’s generally safe — educationally thrilling even — to introduce your vibrator into the bedroom. By appealing to his sense of ingenuity and boyhood exploratory spirit, any guy would be flushed with excitement by the opportunity to tinker with an entirely foreign, exotic gadget. Whether it’s fiddling with your Tivo or installing computer software updates, technology seems to bring the best out in men; they like to get things right. With the proper coaxing (Gee, I just can’t figure this thing out!), tinkering with your Rabbit Habit’s best configurations just might be the kind of dilemma you’d want your guy troubleshooting through an entire Saturday afternoon.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t know how most guys feel, but whether it’s with toys, fingers, or ideas, I’ve felt very happy when a partner takes me into her confidence and shares what she likes in the bedroom. I like it when she “lends a hand” when we’re in a position where it’s hard for me to reach her. And when she enjoys the exhibitionism/voyeurism of getting off with me. Or when she just wants to add to what we’re doing. It’s nice even when she’s just never going to get off — or off often enough — from my efforts alone. I guess some of those reasons, especially the last, could be seen as threatening. A lot of the other reasons are just straight-up exciting. But they all mean she’s comfortable enough with me, and confident enough about her self, to show me what she likes. And that’s always going to make me happier than if she was too nervous or uncomfortable about it. If she’s comfortable enough to share her favorite toy? So much the better!

You know something I’ve always been too shy to try, though? Being the one to bring a new toy or vibrator into bed with a partner, even one I think she’d enjoy. If it’s okay for a Wise Guy to ask questions of his own, do you think it would be okay to do that instead? [Em & Lo: Ladies, respond in the comments section below, please!]

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys feel somewhere between threatened and excited. It’s adventurous, but also a little denigrating. It’s probably similar to how most girls would feel if a guy brought his favorite pornography to share in the bedroom: unwelcome competition, and too much information. (Imagine how you’d feel if a guy showed you a well-worn picture of a swimsuit model, and then with a conspiratorial smile taped it to the wall above the pillows before getting down to business?) A definite no-no for most couples in the first few months of dating. But for long-term and married couples, introducing your little best friend can help revive or spice things up, and even be a welcome relief for guys who aim to please their woman.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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40 Responses to “Wise Guys – What Do Men Think About Sex Toys in Bed?”

  1. SS Says:

    Figleaf: You describe yourself as “straight married guy,” so does your question refer to you and your wife, or are you reminiscing? Because if you’re talking about your wife, I would think she’d be pretty cool with the idea, especially if you know she has her own toys. I think for some of us, there’s the embarrassment factor, and the fear that we’re somehow offending our partner (Hello, Single Guy Chris!) but for two married people? I would definitely go for it. (Kimberly Ford’s book “Hump” has a whole chapter on it…)

  2. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Figleaf, My Man bought me my first toy, but he didn’t go about it the right way. Asked me if I wanted one, I said no, skin was just fine for me (I had a few issues, I think) then he just bought one and put in into my hand one night, while I was trying to sleep! NOT the way to do it.

    HOWEVER….in a few days, I kinda warmed up the the idea (how could it hurt?) and in the ensuing years, we have both bought toys. He still comes home with a “new surprise” for me every now and then, a toy, or a new video, etc. It always makes me feel loved that he would think of ONE MORE NEW WAY to help us enjoy our time in the bedroom.

    That answers Chris’ question. My Man bringing his porn to show me doesn’t bother me at all. It USED to, (in recent years, My Man and I have decided to get more honest and tolerant with each other and it has given our sex life an incredible BOOST!) and my drive got back where it belonged he finally felt comfortable asking me, “There’s this video I really like watching alone, but I’d like it better if you watched it with me. Would it be OK if I brought it out and we viewed it together?” I said, “Hell Yeah! Go get it!” and now we take turns scouring stores and websites for our favorite Vintage Porn, or even some new stuff, and showing it to each other. And sometimes learning something new to try.

    My Man is far from being threatened with our toys (he bought a good half of them himself) and not only is it exciting for both of us to use them, but when I have a hard time with climax (damn perimenopause) I don’t usually end up frustrated, because we can go to a heavier duty toy and get the job done and carry on.

    There are some women who have trouble with climax, and if the only way she can orgasm is with the help of a toy, WHY would her man have a problem with that? I would think his main goal would be getting off, by any means necessary. (As most womans goal is getting her man off.) Toys can be used in a loving, sharing atmosphere and it really can enrich your sex and love life. (“Wow, he loves me enough and cares enough to buy me that expensive German vibe!”)

    If My Man needed Viagra to get or maintain an erection, I would never deprive him of that, nor feel “jealous” of it. I see sex toys as more of an analogy to that.

    I used to be a “skin only” person. I had no idea what I was missing, the sex was great, but sometimes the toys ADD to something which is already great, and sometimes they are actually “Medicinal” as My Man call it.

    As always, your mileage may vary.

  3. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Oops, I meant “I would think his main goal would be getting HER off, by any means necessary.” Sorry for leaving out an important word.

  4. Johnny Says:

    As long as they’re not too big, I’m cool with toys.

    Oh, wait… you mean to use on HER?

  5. MMM Says:

    Oh, man, Single Straight Guy — I don’t mean to pile on you here, but a toy is not competition, and it’s not denigrating. Some women really need the extra help of a vibe to get off, so if a woman feels as if her man is threatened by that, she may not be getting the orgasms she deserves — who would want that? Men need to get over feeling as if a toy is competition, just like women need to get over feeling that porn is competition. My guy and I watch porn together all the time, and we’ve used toys since the very beginning (see graf below), and that openness and lack of insecurity about what we like/need sexually has done nothing but good for our sex life together.

    To answer figleaf’s question: Very early on (as in a couple of weeks) in my relationship with my boyfriend, I mentioned jokingly that I had an “industrial strength” vibrator at home that got me off like nobody’s business. Next time I saw him, he told me to close my eyes and put an Hitachi Magic Wand in my hands. Boy, I loved him for that. It showed me that he was sexually secure and cared very much about pleasing me in bed.

  6. MMM Says:

    One caveat about toy/porn use — I’m not talking about women who whip out a king-sized dildo in front of a moderately endowed new boyfriend, or men who verbally drool over big-breasted porn star stars in the presence of a moderately endowed new girlfriend. That’s just rude, and waiting to sexual preferences that could be threatening to someone who doesn’t know you well IS better left until you know each other well enough to feel secure. But just using toys/porn, outside of that context, shouldn’t be seen as a threat — and if someone will disclose that to you early on, it can build trust and attraction and give you a window into how to get them off.

  7. Blair Waldorf Says:

    I was seeing this guy, we’d hung out maybe 5 times and never had sex. We were making out one night and all of a sudden he’s using a little vibrator on me. No warning, no asking, it was just there. Lucky for him I was okay with it, but I was still quite shocked! (He has since used it a couple other times but for some reason asks now…you’d think he would have asked the first time)

  8. MerMer Says:

    I would LOVE it if my guy brought in a toy he thought we could enjoy together. It’s a sign of trust and communication. In fact, maybe I’ll bring this up with him later…

  9. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Blair, I would have found that a little bizarre, too. Maybe he just wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. There’s simply no good protocol on just HOW to introduce sex toys into a relationship.

    My Man, whom I was with for many years at the time, placed a previously unwanted vibe in my hand, without asking me, and I freaked out. And, that was in a long term then monogamous relationship. Only later, when we had a chance to talk about it, did I realize that there is really NO protocol for this kind of thing and he was only doing the best he could to bring some change to our bedroom routine. He was right, and it changed things to the “even better.”

    I’m glad it worked out with your and your guy, though. :)

    MMM is right, too. Don’t whip out the “Great American Challenge” dildo
    on your first sex date. LOL! (NO, I don’t own this one. Someone sent me a link and I found it kind of funny.)

    http://www.tabutoys.com/product/The_Great_American_Challenge_Vibrator_15_Inches

  10. figleaf Says:

    SS: My question was based on reminiscence but I was also pretty sure I’m not the only man who’s wondered about being the one to bring a toy into bedroom.

    SS, Madamoiselle, and MMM, those are great answers by the way. Thanks!

    figleaf

  11. SS Says:

    For Figleaf, who’s asking on behalf of all wondering guys out there: Like a Hallmark card, bringing a toy to bed shows that you care!

  12. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Tbanks, Fig! :)

  13. k. Says:

    I make sure to introduce toys early on into a relationship. Basically, if a potential partner isn’t okay with toys then I’m not going to be okay with him. I don’t need toys to have an orgasm, but they can be awfully nice to have around. The orgasms are more intense, the process is more efficient, and when my boyfriend is all tapped out, he can still get me off.

    Figleaf – I think the trick to buying your partner a sex toy is making a true present out of it. Definitely go for something in classy packaging – many toy companies now package their toys almost like jewelry. If she already has a couple of toys, get her something nicer than she would buy for herself, like something from JimmyJane or Lelo. If she’s new to sex toys, try one of the quirky vibes from Fun Factory (they really put the “toy” in “sex toy”). Until you know her tastes and preferences, it would be wise to steer clear of realistic – I think many of the beautifully designed non-realistic toys are less intimidating.

  14. Slartibartfast Says:

    The only time this ever became a real-life topic for me was with my first girlfriend some years ago. She purchased a toy and introduced it with a flourish. Being a nitwit, I was somewhat reticent and didn’t really embrace the concept. Not because I was especially threatened, but for other, weirder, reasons and because I didn’t fully appreciate the possibilities. Needless to say, I would play that hand somewhat differently were it dealt today.

    I try to approach sex in the spirit of cooperative fun, so anything she wants to add in furtherance of that pursuit is A-OK by me. As long as it doesn’t draw more than 15 amps (I hate resetting circuit breakers), bring it on.

  15. Italianostaliano Says:

    You know whats funny reading all these responses is that no one mentions whether she uses the toys on him or if he enjoys the toys as well.
    I wonder if men would feel insecure about there woman suggesting it, or she in him for the same.
    I will say that I found it to be very stimulating. Yet I have no desires to have man because of it.
    But I think you really need to be comfortable and sexually secure with each other.
    I agree with most here as well its has been a great finisher or starter or combo for that matter.
    Its true men if your not attentive you might be replaced.
    She’s mixed on the vibration. Sometimes a lot and sometimes not so much.
    The realistic’s are the best gifts to me.but yeah possibly not the first one.

  16. Italianostaliano Says:

    Oh one last note for the curious.
    A vibrating cock ring has always gotten me the greatest of responses.
    As long as it not too much on me. Then it can get a little numb.
    Hey I’m still on topic here right?
    It is a toy! lol

  17. Paula Says:

    I just purchased a sex kit.I’ m so excited. Buy do folks have any advice?
    I’m expecting vibraters, vaginal devices, and anal devices.

  18. Bill Ward Says:

    As a guy, yes, there IS a twinge of denigration and jealousy…we are supposed to be able to get a woman off with our own skills, the male ego demands it. Even knowing many if not most women do not get off vaginally through intercourse doesn’t make the feeling go away, a person feels what they feel rightly or wrongly. So there is a bit of a threat involved. You can’t criticize a man for feeling that maybe there is inadequacy there.

    However, a man has to be wise and loving and secure enough to say, ‘sure’…clearly we don’t want to deny her an orgasm and oral sex is nice but so is penetration.

    I didn’t mind a few toys for herself initially but the we vibe got her so excited I really felt like geez, tamp it down a bit. There IS a better way to introduce the idea…although she obviously felt secure enough with me to be honest with her feelings so that is good.

    All in all the most loving and skilled of men may feel a pang of regret or whatever and it is not unnatural or selfish or anything other than human emotion. So I appreciate Chris’ honest answer, and he said it correctly. It was not a deal breaker but a bit of a shake until he relented and found it worked nicely.

    Ladies, you cannot dismiss a man’s insecurities about sex! And we, men, should never dismiss our ladies needs and desires for sexual pleasure!

    Amen.

  19. Suzanne Says:

    I guess I’m lucky in respect of the fact that both my partner and I test and review adult products.
    So we frequently share intimate play, him with something like a Fleshlight and me with the latest vibe.
    I’m so fortunate after many years of looking to have a partner who shares everything with me and the toys add an element of added excitement.

  20. someguy Says:

    My girl wants a rabbit and a dildo larger than me :( I cant help but feel as if i am not good enough for her. She already has a vibrator, and i didnt mind it at all. Im seven inches but she says she wants a wider dildo. I hurts me. I dont know what to do.

  21. SS Says:

    @someguy…yeah, that sounds pretty insensitive to me. I’m sure there are people who would say she “empowering” herself by articulating her needs, but to specifically say she wants something bigger than you, ah, that just strikes me as rude. (A vibrator is different, since most guys don’t have electric fingers.)

  22. Madamoiselle L Says:

    someguy, did she say, “I want a dildo that is larger than you are?” Or did she simply choose one which appears bigger or did she say she wanted one wider than her current toy?

    There’s a difference. If she outright said, “I want a dil that’s bigger than you, Old Man.” She is being rude and insensitive. If she simply bought one which is or appears larger, I wouldn’t take it personally. A lot of them seem smaller on the net. My dh has remarked that my biggest vibe is “bigger” than he is, (and he’s a rather gifted in the size department) and it ISN’T, he’s just looking at the dil from a different perspective than his own penis. Granted he isn’t upset about it, just made a comment, because I noted “I may need some lube to use that thing.” In cold hard silicone, they often look bigger than real attached flesh.

    Again, if she decided she wanted “bigger” and SAID something to you to this effect, it was not kind.

  23. someguy Says:

    she has never gotten a dildo (but plenty of vibrators; her using those actually turns me on haha) and maybe it just seems bigger like you said. its actually shorter than I am but does seem to be wider especially at the base with those beads…she has yet to use it so we will see, and she did not specifically say she wanted bigger just noted that something wider would be nice. Still hurts though.

  24. someguy Says:

    its nice to know people are talking about this, cause for a while it seemed like i couldnt speak to anybody about this without being embarrased

  25. SS Says:

    And if my husband is any example, men just don’t talk about these things with their friends, so it’s great that sites like this are here! Also, I think sometimes we women don’t realize we are hurting male feelings at times, but imagine our dismay if you were to wish aloud for a GF with a smaller bum…big trouble :(

  26. Madamoiselle L Says:

    SS, my dh is a toy evangalist. When his buddies come to him complaining that they aren’t “Getting enough” the second thing he asks them (after, “You make sure she comes, don’t you?”) Is “Get a sex toy, you’ll both enjoy it.”

    Someguy, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We talk about all kinds of things here. ;)

    Remember, a dil is often nothing more than a vibe without the power on. Plus, your lady wanted the one with the beads, that isn’t an indictment of you in any way. Next time, buy her one (get her input) and when you are part of the process it helps feel good about it.

  27. SS Says:

    Madamoiselle L, okay, so I’m thinkin’ they’re not brothers after all… :( Mine was raised in a super conservative household where body parts had code names! I think I would pass out (in a good way) if he brought a sex toy home!

  28. nichole Says:

    I am getting very frustrated my boyfriend of two years wants porn while making love to me and watching it while sex and giving head. I agree to watching it together but I am sick of feeling like crap becauseh e wants it while I am sexual with him. I think its wrong and he wont cum inside me why? He sais it feels funny so he said how about I get 3 cums and he gets 2 porns it seems reasonable but I cannot handle porn while I am doing things to him. He is getting off by staring at naked woman its wrong in my eyes help me I need opinions.

  29. Madamoiselle L Says:

    SS, my Man’s family is very conservative, also. He was a hellion as a kid, always rebelling.

    His mother was “offended” because not only did we live together before we were married, but I had a bun in the oven by the time the wedding happened. She wanted us to have a “secret” wedding, probably so she could tell every one “the baby was early” or something. Then told us we didn’t “deserve” a nice wedding (which MY parents paid for, and his contributed zilch) because I guess only virgins get a party for their marriage celebration. Still, he has formed a lot of his own opinions about sex, as his parents NEVER discussed the subject and even had separate bedrooms. IMO, if it comes to that, just call it quits.

    Nicole, honey, you’ve mentioned his issues with your multi orgasmic ability before. NO man should feel put out by this, nor does it mean you “owe” him anything. Most men would be happy just to see their partner have such a good time in bed.

    It’s time he stops trying to black mail you for your orgasms. It’s immature and in the long run, will be poisonous to your relationship. Have you two thought about couple therapy? Because his issue with your ENJOYING sex is not healthy.

  30. Madamoiselle L Says:

    @ Bill Ward “As a guy, yes, there IS a twinge of denigration and jealousy…we are supposed to be able to get a woman off with our own skills, the male ego demands it.” end quote

    Bill, I can understand a man feeling a little less than adequate at times, if toys are used a lot, or if a woman needs them to go over the edge. But, a woman has NO control over her orgasmic threshold. Some women have low orgasmic thresholds, and can have orgasms at the drop of a hat, others need a great deal of stimulation and many as time goes on NEED the help of a motorized toy. As long as the woman lets him know what he DOES DO is great, even if she can’t get all the way there from it, and that he is still the MAN part of the process when the toy is used, it shouldn’t offend his ego.

    Ladies, make sure you include your man in any toy play, and things should be OK. If either of you feel some less than positive feelings about it, TALK it out.

    It’s always worked for us.

  31. SS Says:

    @ML:
    “I had a bun in the oven by the time the wedding happened. She wanted us to have a “secret” wedding, probably so she could tell every one “the baby was early” or something.”

    That is SO funny! My husband’s family had a similar situation, in fact both his mother AND his grandmother had babies after only 7 months gestation, apparently it runs in their family?…. :)

  32. fastthinker Says:

    even though toys are more acceptable i cant help but feel that if my wife can reach orgasm during intercourse shouldn’t need a sex toy. It just makes me feel like i’m not good enough or something. I can understand if the woman needs a sex toy to reach climax but for just fun..it makes me feel like it’d be the same if i put a paper bag on her head and watched porn while she gave oral sex

  33. seeya Says:

    why not just enjoy it?

    we have quite a variety of toys at home and my boyfriend loves playing on me with them – and so do I ;)

    @fastthinker: get a masturbator (i.e. from dildos.com.au.tt) and let your GF “operate” it ;)

  34. olddude Says:

    Toys are great for an older couple who want to try something new and exciting. We have been married 36 years. Due to a number of health issues and powerful medications, my equipment doesn’t work well anymore. My self esteem was rock bottom. One day as I was driving by an adult shop, I stopped in (extremely out of character for me)and purchased some toys. That evening I surprised my wife and we had more fun than we’ve had in years! We are both very happy with new ways to enjoy wild sex. My wife can’t believe the change in me and she is thrilled! If you are thinking about it, don’t wait another minute; go for it! If you are embarrased or shy, get over it. It could open up a whole new world! We wear glasses, hearing aids, have artificial joints, pacemakers and other “equipment” to enhance our health and our lives. Why is this any different?

  35. Bubbles Says:

    @someguy re: concerns about her wanting it wider…

    This is actually something I go for in a toy. The wider dildo actually makes it easier when I’m trying to please myself and has nothing to do with the size of my husband. It’s simply that the wider dildo stimulates more of my vagina that would normally get stimulated during sex, without a lot of additional contortion and funky movement. I agree though, that if she made a point of saying it is bigger than you then she’s a rude idiot you need to drop like a hot potato!

  36. Patricia Vynchester Says:

    My man doesn’t care what I look like, heck he hardly really pays much attention when I dress up nice with make-up on and hair done. He doens’t care about that type of stuff at all. He likes when I do cook for him… At least I gained some points with my cooking and oral sex, because since I read Jacks Blowjob Guide ( http://www.howtogiveablowjobtips.net ) I’m pro ;) He will always despise my movie tastes as long as it includes a “chick flick” but for the most part we can agree on movies to watch…

  37. Lizzrrd Says:

    Figleaf,

    I had a guy do that last year for the first time. I’m 42. It was weird because he just whipped it out and Ithought ,” Ewww. Where has that thing been?” BUT if he would have asked how I feel about toys I would say, “‘ I love them.” and go shopping for a new unused one.

  38. joe Says:

    You asked if I’d feel threatened or excited. I have a small dick, 4-4.5″ long so needless to say I’d feel threatened!

  39. Johnny Says:

    In the comments MMM states that Single Guy is wrong and men don’t feel threatened by a sex toy.
    1) you are a woman, you cannot state a man’s perspective , just like men can’t state a woman’s.
    2) your man does not represent every man in the world . He is just one guy . So what works for him won’t work for others.
    3) As a man, I can say YES, a man can be offended or threatened by a dildo. I’d compare it a skinny small boobed and small butt woman asked by her man if he can watch busty busty women porn while they make love.

    Ladies , if you want to introduce a dildo into the bedroom. Make sure you do it right and do it with a bit of caution. Sorry but Hollywood and Rocky Balboa were wrong, men actually do have feelings and think about what women do.

    Men, lots of women have trouble getting off. So if she wants to bring a sex you, consider it a favor that she’s most definitely thank you for. I mean, what if you had a hard time getting off and needed a little extra help?
    However, if she looks at you and says “you’re too small for me and I need a big one” , you should have no problem slamming the door on her face and leaving her on the street. We men are proud creatures that won’t tolerate that kind of insult.

  40. Fun Wife Says:

    My wife has been exploring and spicing up the bedroom with new toys. She just purchased a big 10 inch x 2 1/2 wide black vibrator. She likes to be stretched out.


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