Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
– The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
September 18th, 2011 at 9:26 am
What exactly do you consider to be pressuring for sex? I fall deeply in love with a woman, such that the prospect of fulfilling her desires (whatever they might be – it is different for everyone) and to make her feel wanted loved meaningful etc etc totally overwhelms all desire to simply have sex with her. I become Felix-like, with all the supernatural crap to boot, and my considerations of self fall away from me. But, I can tell from her reactions, my advances are interpreted as based on a purely sexual interest. I cannot just conceal how sexually electrified I am. Modern society deprives us of acceptable means of expressing such feelings. I understand the woman’s responses are reasonable – statistically, I am likely to be interested in laying her. Similarly, any frills in my behavior are attributable to standard seducer tactics. We are all pressured into becoming seducers if only in tiny bits, like saying ‘I love you’ when it is expected and not when you mean it. It is amazing that few men become full-blown seducers, considering that only sexually assertive men as viewed as sexually successful by both men and women. I cannot communicate my sincerity to her, what do I doooooooo?
September 19th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
You have the right to make ultimatums. But why make your hubby wait, of all things? What a silly way of making someone prove their love for you. Ask him to chop one of his fingers off or humiliate some bastard you despise, demand amazing oral sex, get him to display ‘<3 I love you <3’ on a blimp, or perform some Herculean feat. Get medieval on his potentially chivalrous ass; I believe the maximum obligatory waiting period in those days was one night because people back then realized that the clock is always ticking. Waiting is as much a test of patience as it is a test of predisposition to laziness.
Besides, your guy is not the only one waiting – you are also waiting! How long do you seriously think you can search before settling down? 20 years tops. Make each guy wait 5 years and you can only try out 4 men as potential mates. And as the OP says, “As I get older, it seems more impossible for me to find a guy that will wait for sex.” Well, no shit!
Women also tend to minimize the difference between how the sexes perceive sex, and thus misunderstand male sexuality. Let me throw an idea out there: succumb to his pressure before 5 years pass, and then withdraw sex. With the sexual novelty gone, your hubby will have no reason to stay with you EXCEPT an emotional attachment. If he continues to ‘wait’ for you AFTER sexual satiation, you will know that he loves truly. What do you have to lose? Pregnancy is no longer problematic. Premarital sex ostracizes you in some societies, but not in our Anglophonic lands. There is no evidence, scientific or anecdotal, that men prefer virgins (unless they have the Madonna/whore complex, in which case they can become disillusioned with you even if you have sex only with them.) If your guy leaves you, if he becomes a jerk, congratulations, you have not wasted years on him; you are free to go separate ways in a win-win situation. Perhaps a woman might wait because she desperately wants to be loved, and is afraid of finding out that her love interest only cares for having sex with her, and thus she delays the awful realization that should come soon after consummation.
Am I right, or does my logic have a gaping hole in the middle?
Men understand the need to push beyond the comfort zone, for their own good. Women are locked into believing the evil of being pressured into doing something you don’t want to do or are not ready for. I think that some women, like the disappointed/confused waiting commentators above, might want to reconsider their wholesale rejection of the male perspective, especially considering how men are demanded to feminize their view of a relationship.
Please don’t kill me for that suggestion.
October 18th, 2011 at 5:48 pm
yes there are guys i have been with my girlfriend for three months, she is a virgin, and i told her that i would wait until she was ready
December 25th, 2011 at 8:13 pm
Let’s see… it’s been 1 year and 4 months now with my virgin girlfriend. In the past, I had regular sex with my ex-girlfriends within 1-2 months of the relationship starting, one of which was a virgin. How long will I “wait” for my girlfriend? I don’t know. It’s a such dead-end thought so I rarely entertain it… other then those moments when I’m REALLY horny.
January 3rd, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Live life to the full and enjoy life because it’s too short!
January 12th, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Depends what you’re making him wait for.
My bf loves me and respects me but it doesn’t mean I’m going to hold sex back from him. It’s part of one of our many expressions of love to each other which include talking to each other everyday (we are long distance), poems, gifts & cuddles and not a day goes by where we don’t tell each other “I love you” but we are animals and sex is a primal thing as well as an uncensored love expression.
I think if you are trying to test whether a guy respects you or not, then sex is not the only factor. Does he listen to you? Does he make a mental note of things you like and then do something spontaneous about it? Does he make you laugh?
Maybe you could try long distance as that involves a lot of talking and less opportunities for touching but after meeting a guy in person first- always safer. If he puts the effort into the relationship, then go for it with him because hell you need to show him you fancy him back.
An example is my bf will visit me just for the day to spend time with me regardless of whether “action” is involved or not. He will wake up at 6 am to catch trains and coaches to be here for 11 am and then go back in the evening (because he works) and not be home until 11 pm.
I understand where you’re coming from but you need to look at sex like a slice of pizza. It’s just one slice of a relationship but it’s still there. You would never expect a pizza with one piece missing to be delivered to you.
You don’t know what will happen. Any guy is capable of heartbreak as much as the right one is capable of loving you for you. I’ve had my heart broken by more bfs I haven’t slept with. You’ll never live if you fear the future.
January 12th, 2012 at 7:28 pm
By the way, at 24, only by making a few wrong turns have I figured out what I don’t want in a man mentally, emotionally and physically speaking.
Now I am with the love of my life and he was more inexperienced than me when we first met but because of my experience, I could show him what I liked and things have gone really steamy. He was really impressed with me and told me no other girl had never made so much effort in foreplay.
While I’m not saying go and jump in bed with the next guy you see, you do need find out what makes you tick in sex because just because you are compatible in other ways it doesn’t automatically make you sexually compatible and vice versa.
It took time, work and patience for us to be where we are even though we fell for each other instantly and even more so when we realised how compatible we are as a couple. I do recommend watching Em & Lo’s Sex: How to do Everything because although you may not agree with everything shown, sex is not black and white. There are many weird and wonderful components to it.
January 13th, 2012 at 10:43 am
Yes, there are men out there who are happy to wait, but these are in a minority.
In Western culture, pre-marital sex is common and an important part of a relationship for the majority of men. A man regarding sex as an important part of a relationship is just as an acceptable sexual preference as you regarding sex as strictly a marital act. By deciding to wait until marriage, you are therefore going to be ‘sexually incompatible’ with the majority of men you meet. Just in the same way two incompatible personalities won’t make a good relationship, neither will sexual incompatibility.
What’s happened in the past is that you’ve established a relationship with men who you are not so sexually compatible with and these men have left when that incompatibility has emerged. Not your fault, not their fault, just simple dating forces at play.
So, to stand a good chance of meeting the minority men who are sexually compatible (i.e. are happy to wait), you’ll need to increase the number of single men you meet. Be upfront about your preferences early in the dating game and you’ll ensure that you don’t waste time pursuing incompatible men who will break up with you when they realise you both want different things. Seeking a social group where such preferences are more common (e.g. Christian church group) will tilt the balance in your favour. Just be aware that pure statistics dictate that the older you get, the fewer similarly aged single men will be available.
So in summary, stop being so bitter about the fact that the majority of men want something different to you, and instead focus your efforts on meeting the minority of men who are compatible. Meet lots of men, and pick a social group where the compatible proportion is higher. Be open with your preferences earlier in the dating game to reduce the time you spend chasing incompatible people, and you’ll do fine. Good luck!
January 14th, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I have waited over a year for my girlfriend without any luck. I don’t think it’s very common to wait this long, I must be stupid. So if you’re looking for someone who’ll wait as long as I am, that guy must be a virgin too i guess. Go around some med schools or grad schools with engineering i’m sure you’ll find other virgins over yonder.
January 24th, 2012 at 2:57 am
I think it’s a bell curve like any other behavioral characteristic. Some men will be willing to wait longer than others, the longer you want to wait the fewer men you will find willing. You might find some that will wait as long as you want. I think it’s too bad that women think it’s shallow if a man bolts if he wants sex and his dating partner won’t meet his needs. Just remember he might be feeling just as rejected by your need to wait, as you would feel if you slept with him and then he left. Good luck.
January 31st, 2012 at 9:06 am
i think you should of just put out with the first guy you fell inlove with because your’e the next 40 year old virgin and life is short as fuck so enjoy sex before it wrinkerly haha
January 31st, 2012 at 10:38 am
^ Agreed. As a younger man I saw many young women wait for love, the right guy, etc. Except they’d inexplicably KEEP waiting once they met that guy! Great guy, great chemistry, PERFECT opportunity – and still they wait. Usually the relationship would end, they’d realized that they missed their chance, then they’d “give it up” to an asshole out of regret.
And having been that young man who “waited” right along with her, my advice to guys is always to move on if you’re not getting laid in a time frame that you find acceptable. Waiting sucks, especially considering that it might not even happen. Don’t pressure her. Don’t “communicate” about it. Just leave and find a woman who’s on the same page as you.