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Your Call – How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?

Tue, Mar 2, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by (nutmeg)

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.

So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.

– The 26-Year-Old Virgin

What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:

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252 Responses to “Your Call – How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?”

  1. shahen Says:

    hi im a boy 18 year old and im not virgin even my girlfriend is,and she hates the fact im not and hurts me cause now for my mistakes she not happy …..we been with eachother 1year n 6months from that we only met 4times last time was 6months ago and all we did make out and now she still having me wait and im okay cause i ode love her but then again i feel so lonely ….

  2. Liz Says:

    Dear The-26-Year-Old Virgin,

    First of all, I’d like to commend you on waiting to have sex with someone who will love and respect you, which is something that truly impresses me. I, myself am 24-years-old and I did not lose my virginity till about six months ago and since I have already made many mistakes I want you to learn from them.

    You have to remember that you will know, as instinct, whether is it right or not. At 24, I felt that I was getting “too old” to be a virgin. I fell madly and deeply in love with this guy and I waited to have sex with him 10 months. I knew deep inside that he wasn’t the one for me and I was right but I let love blind me. After that we had sex on five different occasions before I broke it off with him. I regret it now that I think about it. This all happened in October and November. So what does this say to you? That even if you’ve been with someone for a long time but you know that it is not right and he’s not the one who will love and respect you then I think you should not even do it because you will waste your first and most special time with someone who will not even remember you and/or that you will care. So your timing when it comes to someone can be early or later on, it depends on how you feel. If a guy cannot respect this, then he’s not the one for you. All he wants is your virginity and you’ll only be another tally on his bedpost.

    Now what other mistake did I make you ask? In January I met what I thought was a wonderful guy and 17 days after meeting him I had sex with him. He was my second but I thought that it didn’t matter since I wasn’t a virgin anymore, plus I felt lonely about the first guy I had given it up to. Yes, he taught me how to orgasm (something the first one never accomplished or care to do) but I found out later that he only cared about appearances and money and that he would talk about people. I ended it after a month and a half.

    Maybe I should feel ashamed that within a four month period I had two sex partners but I don’t since I learned two valuable lessons. First, you should get to know the person as best as possible before giving it up even if you’re not a virgin. Second, I learned that no matter how long you are with a person you will know when he’s the one …

    I wish you the best of luck! I commend you on waiting and I wish I could say the same for myself. I have, in fact, vowed to remain celibate until I find the one who will love and respect me and not use me ….

  3. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Liz, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. So, you had sex. There is no shame in that.

    As for “Mr. Right.” There is no such thing. I’ve been with My Man a long time, and he certainly isn’t Mr. Perfect (and I am FAR from Ms. Perfect.)

    Waiting for “Mr. Right” is Fairy Tale thinking and will only bring you sadness.

    The only mistake you made was thinking that “Mr. Right” would be perfect in every way.. At least you found out he refused to help you orgasm BEFORE you married him. Imagine if you had waited LONGER!!!! Married to a guy who doesn’t care if you have an orgasm or not? That’s what happens to those who “buy a car without a test drive.” You did the RIGHT thing, and it helped you get out of a relationship that wouldn’t work.

    You wouldn’t have had that knowledge if you HAD waited until marriage, would you? And you would be stuck with a selfish jerk, in a situation you wouldn’t have found out about until it was too late. Good thing you DID have sex with him. YOU learned “Get to know EVERYTHING about a person before marrying them.” Without sex, you can’t KNOW what kind of lover they are, and face it, sex is a huge part of marriage and WHO wants to spend years NOT having orgasms because they “waited” and are now frustrated with a bad lover?

    There may be no such thing as Mr. Right, but there is Mr. Right Now. Nothing wrong with that.

    And in the end, Mr. “he cares about me, and we’re going to try as hard as we can” is the best one can hope for. BUT, you would never KNOW if he was Mr OK unless you did make love to him BEFORE a long term commitment. So, in the long run having sex with that first man, even though it didn’t work out BENEFITED YOU in a way that “staying” a virgin couldn’t have.

  4. Madamoiselle L Says:

    shahen, you’ve only seen your “girlfriend” four times in 18 months? It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. Plus the fact that she wants to have control over what you did BEFORE you knew her tells you, “GET OUT!”

    Maybe a girlfriend who you can actually see regularly, and doesn’t have hang ups about sex would cure your loneliness.

    Good luck, dude.

  5. Cinnamon Says:

    I admire that you’re self-confident to stay a virgin. So many women nowadays feel pressured into sex at young ages.

    However, I agree with Madamoiselle L about the whole Mr Right thing. And, maybe, sex doesn’t have to be such a big deal. It – whether intercourse, oral, manual, etc, since I’m not sure to how large an extent you are a virgin – can just be something shared between two people that is enjoyable, not necessarily a huge proclamation of never-ending love and devotion. Losing your virginity doesn’t make you any less of a person because you aren’t really losing anything; if anything, it gives you more experiences, and makes you more of a person.

  6. Uzoma Says:

    It’s good to find out from other their opinion on issues such as this however, you will get so much and as well so confused. Your description of a guy to lose your V to matched that of one looking for a long time relationship (maybe marry) at same time, very many experienced guy (definitely me inclusive) may not want to commit to a relationship with a V though it seem most illogical. What is after he is so committed and wants marriage, do you honestly think you may at one time in this life not want to have a taste of another just for the trial? You may say never but it happens and if it does in your case, what of the honest guy that you gave the V to?
    I’ll advice you do not discuss your status with any new guy you meet and even when he is demanding for sex, tell him you are not ready if the mood is not right or seem not to be. If otherwise, go ahead and do it and enjoy it for how wonderful the experience was for that day. Live one day after another. If he finds out he is your first, he may improve on the relationship.
    Telling most guys you are a V increases their desire to want to do it with you maybe just to be the first on your record.

  7. Madamoiselle L Says:

    @ Cinnamon: “something shared between two people that is enjoyable, not necessarily a huge proclamation of never-ending love and devotion. Losing your virginity doesn’t make you any less of a person because you aren’t really losing anything; if anything, it gives you more experiences, and makes you more of a person.” end quote

    AMEN, sister, you said it.

    Sorry if I over-ranted about the marriage thing after your post, I was NOT targeting you at all. (We can’t edit on this site. Arghgh) The whole marriage thing a “thing” for me. ;) You are a good poster and have good things to say. I appreciate your input a lot.

  8. madman32 Says:

    I guess that I may have a similar situation as the OP, but from a different perspective. I’m a 25 year old guy, and dating a 23 year old virgin.
    I’ve been pretty sexually active since I was 16, and have gotten used to having regular sex. I’ve been seeing this girl for 6 months now, and I think I’m starting to lose my mind. I really do like this girl, and she tells me she loves me all the time, but I just don’t know how much longer I can really wait. To me, sex is just sex, and is a normal part of daily life. I think the sooner you get it over with, the sooner you realize its really not a big deal.

    I don’t know if I will wait another 6 months.

    A couple weeks ago I went out with the guys, and found myself with an opportunity to have sex with a girl I just met. I did so, it was great, but I feel terrible about it because I just cheated on my girlfriend. But, this wouldn’t have happened if my girlfriend wasn’t a virgin.

    I don’t know if I should tell her or not. I’m really not a bad guy, and am not the type to go around cheating or whatnot. I’m waiting for her, but I feel like she thinks I just want to add another girl to the hit list, which is definitely not the case.

    What do I do?

  9. non virgin Says:

    How do you equate with-holding sex, (with holding love and intimacy by expressing your love physically) a prerequisite to gaining respect?

    Is it unreasonable for you to refrain from jumping into bed with a guy after the first/second or third date? Of course not.

    Is it unreasonable for your boyfriend (who wants to be in a serious/adult partnership with you) to be unhappy remaining in a sexless relationship?….well, equally no

    Contrary to what many people out there might believe, sex (within the confines of a relationship) IS an act of love…and we all want to be loved. We want to be told and we want to be shown.

    I’m not saying you have anything to be ashamed of – but you have to ask yourself why sex has become such an issue for you?

    I know this will be an unpopular post – but i think someone needs to say it. If your having to make a guy wait for such a long time, surely that in itself indicates the relationship was wrong to begin with.

    However…I think the real problem here is not sex – but trust…Why do you find it so difficult to trust the men you’ve chosen to be with?

    Making a guy wait for such a long time is unlikely to make you feel any safer. When he eventually leaves you (because he feels unloved and rejected) it will simply confirm in your mind that he was not to be trusted in the first place.

    “how long is too, long?” is like a piece of string…its different for different people. Personally I would never enter into a relationship with someone if we had not had sex…simply because compatibility in the bedroom is as important as everything else in a relationship.

    I wish you luck.

  10. Tiffany Says:

    Okay! Stop with the “gotta test drive the car before you buy it” and “sexual compatibility” propaganda!

    No one is born “bad” in bed. None of us here in this forum were “great” in bed the FIRST time we had sex. You have to communicate! You have teach and train your partner to do the things that suit your sexual needs! The same is true of those who have sex BEFORE marriage and those who WAIT to have sex. Like EVERYTHING else, you become better at it overtime and with practice and exploration. And what worked in your first sexual relationship, won’t necessarily work in the next one because each person is different. So if you want to wait until you’re married or in love…then wait! You can wait until your married to have sex AND still be a “great” sexual partner to your spouse if you are willing to learn what suits your husband sexually. Don’t buy into the bullsh*t these people are selling you. You don’t need to have 50 partners to be great in bed. It only takes 1 partner and a teachable spirit.

    And forget the risk of pregnancy and STD’s, most people will never tell you about the emotional consequences they face after engaging in casual or “trivialized” sex. Yet it’s become so normalized people don’t even recognize when their bodies are being used by others for momentary gratification and then discarded for the next hot chick around the corner. And its not just women facing these consequences. It takes a toll on men, too, how they value their bodies and view their manhood. They are just socialized to believe it enhances their worth rather than degrades it.

    My suggestion is that you wait until you are in a relationship where commitment, stability, and deep love are present. If that means waiting 6 month, 1 year or until your married…then so be it. And date in social circles where you will find other people are waiting to have sex like a churches/conservative online dating sites, etc. Finally, GET TO KNOW YOUR OWN BODY while you are waiting! Never allow a man to know more about your body than you do! And practice safe sex!

    Good luck,

    Tiffany :)

  11. Tiffany Says:

    One last thing:

    A lot of these guys will “say” they can’t wait for sex, it’s just too hard, too tough, too whatever… That’s bullsh*t. If a man really wants you and sees you in his future he will wait as long as it takes. He’ll man up. If it means he has to stimulate himself every night, or hit the gym 7 days a week, he’ll do it. He’ll wait until you are 100% ready because he loves you that much. He’ll move mountains to be with you. And he’ll understand your concerns about trusting him with your body and your heart, especially at a time in history when most men are really just looking to get laid, meet as many women as they can and have a good time…even if they break your heart in the process. (rest assured you’ll be left to pick up the pieces by yourself.)

    BE selective. Choose wisely who you share yourself with.

  12. Briak Says:

    I dont know why but for some reason people always seem to be confusing sex with love. I just dont understand it, sex is a self gratifying act for both participants. Love is sooooooo much more than that. Most people would say that they love their parents, and that they love their kids, other family members and so on, and have never even considered having sex with them. So why on earth would a person say that someone doesnt love them because they wont have sex with them? If this were to happen after being married then theyre may be a problem, but other than that I dont see it. I myself am a 27 year old MALE VIRGIN, by choice. Not only do I want my honeymoon to be special for me but my bride as well. Pre-marital sex is an (illusion) of love. The reason I say that is because it is driven by hormones, and people will argue by saying that it is driven by emotion because of the emotions involved in the act, however those emotions are brought on as a result of hormones runing rampant. I might also add, that this is the reason that there is also a big difference between “sex” and “making love”. Every and I mean EVERY mariage I have ever seen includeing my parents, where the people had pre-marital sex has always had more stress and strain than marriages involving people who waited. The reason, I believe, is because of the false love created by pre-marital sex. There are so many emotions and feelings involved in the act because there has to be, otherwise now one would do it and none of us would be here. If you are in a relationship where you and your partner have not had sex, virgins or not, and you get married before you have sex then you will know that you have married each other for REAL LOVE of the other person and that they married you because they REALY LOVE you and that the decision has nothing to do with what you do under the sheets. Shahen, I know you say that you are not waiting for marriage but you are waiting for the special guy, my question is that weather you have been dating for 3 days, 3 months or 3 years, how will you KNOW that he is “the guy” unless you get married or know that that is near future possibility? I also agree with Tiffany, a real MAN will wait because a real man has enough self-controle and self-respect for himself and respect for you. Anyway, thats my opinion, hope it helps.

  13. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Tiffany, Sexual Compatibility is NOT “propaganda.”

    It is a real thing, and plays a VERY important part in a healthy long term relationship. It’s the basis of attraction, trust and pair bonding.

    Some people have radically different sex drives than each other, and some have really different things they enjoy in bed, and some have things they simply REFUSE to do in bed that their partners require.

    Sexual incompatibility is often a reason relationships fail. You CAN learn new things in bed, of course, that’s half the fun. BUT you can’t “make” or “train” yourself or “make” or “Train” other people to necessarily like or participate in some things, if it isn’t what works for them, sexually.

    On the far side of this argument, what if you marry this guy, both of you virgins, and he decides the ONLY way he can get a hard on is to dress like Cher, circa 1982, and “make” you wear a tuxedo, a mustache and a false nose? Could you “train yourself” to LIKE that?

    HOW would you know THIS is his thing, or even if he HAD any paraphaelias, or even common place sexual needs if you don’t find out ahead of time? Believe me, there are some unusual sexual preferences out there, (and there is *nothing* wrong with them, if the person with them has the right partner, and they spontaneously enjoy the same kind of sexual activities with consent and enjoyment on both partners) but, better to know before you tie the knot. Some of these “kinks” (or simply preferences) may be something YOU realize you like, too, some could well be something you simply couldn’t live with, and HE couldn’t live without. I’ve seen it happen it is NOT beyond the realm of possibility.

    I’ve seen marriages break up because the woman or the man refuses to provide oral sex, (or even refuses to engage in ANY sex more than a few times a year) or the man or the woman requires anal, or oral, and other normal activities more tame than odd paraphelias I mentioned before, and can’t take no for an answer, and the other refuses to participate. HOW would you know you won’t be in THIS boat? Luck? No. The answer:Test drives. It’s really the best way to get a feel for you and your future partner’s compatibly.

    For instance, if you “marry” a guy and THEN find out he absolutely refuses to provide you with oral sex, or anything other than 3 minute, missionary position “intercourse” and that’s it, and that makes him “happy” do you REALLY think you can simply “Train” him to tale THIS as your sex life, for the REST of your life? Or, what if your sex drive is 1/10 as strong as his is, (and if you intend on making a guy wait a year, I worry seriously about one’s drive) will either of you ENJOY your forcing yourself to have sex as often as he likes, or will YOU enjoy ending every sexual encounter completely frustrated and NEVER satisfied just to be “willing to learn what suits your husband sexually.” (OMG!) YOU have needs too. MOST women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. HOW would you know if your “future husband” (The one who evidently masturbated and went to the gym for 4 hours every day for a year “waiting” for you) doesn’t know this and refuses to care? AND refuses to be “trained” to do what helps you find YOUR orgasms?

    Of course, sexual partners often learn from each other, but it is difficult to change your basic drive, or engave in activities you do not enjoy just because you feel like you SHOULD. And no good man is going to enjoy sex when YOU don’t really want to do it, but have only “learned to do what suits him.”

    Your comments sound like a marriage manual from the 1950s! What if what “suits” him is something which repels you? Then what? Still gonna “train yourself?” I’d like to see how that works out.

    And the whole, “If he loves you, he’ll wait.” idea is silly. Maybe for a little while, but again, you are buying into some “Romance/fantasy” aspect of relationships that DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE! You are thinking YOU are the only girl for him and HE is the only guy for you and any guy would do ANYTHING to make you “his.” UNTRUE.

    With billions of people on the planet, there are hellava lot more than one mate for each person. No healthy, adult, sexually mature, self respecting guy is going to “self stimulate” or “hit the gym 7 days a week” for a year while waiting for your perfect, saintly, irreplaceable little virginal OK. A guy with serious sexual issues might, but a healthy, lusty, adult male? No. Which do you want to spend the rest of your life with?

    Graveyards are filled with people who thought they were thoroughly unique, irreplaceable, and “the only one who can do the job.” They died or went away and the world went on. So is the way with relationships.

    When or if you get some adult experience in real, ADULT relationships, you may understand why.

    Sexual compatibility is WHAT relationships are built on. I have never seen a good lasting relationship where the sexual compatibility does not exist. YOU are not going to “learn” to be the first one.

    Good luck. Maybe you’ll realize that it is MORE than “luck” when you mature.

  14. Johnny Says:

    Briak,

    I hope against hope that your vision comes true – that as an old man who has been happily married for decades, you can still smugly state that waiting was the best course of action, and that that’s where all the divorced people screwed up.

    Of course, the odds of things working out that are very very slim. I think you’re in for a very rough wake-up call down the line. If you’re lucky, that rude awakening will only fuck with you emotionally. If you truly get screwed, you’ll also lose property, money, and maybe your kids.

    As I’ve said before: marriage guarantees NOTHING. Not sex, not fidelity, not respect… nothing. MANY smart men and women with lots of life experience have found this out the hard way. By denying yourself life experience, you’re practically setting yourself up for the worst.

    You need a few test runs to get it right, believe me. Ahhhhh, you won’t believe me. Good luck dude.

  15. Johnny Says:

    Hm, Tiffany got me thinking… is “gotta test-drive the car” the flip-side of the “why buy the cow” coin (agree with the former though I do)?

  16. SS Says:

    @Johnny: Two thoughts: First, if Briak has made it to the ripe old age of 27 as a proud virgin, then he probably has either a low sex drive, or is actually able to control his “rampant hormones.” Either way, whether married sex is good, bad or mediocre, it sounds like he won’t care too much (let’s hope his bride feels the same way.)

    Second: I like the “take the car for a test drive” analogy, but I think in this case it should be clearly stated that one is NOT to kick the tires…

  17. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Yeah, SS, maybe not kick the tires, but you can squeeze the produce for ripeness….

    OMG what is wrong with me? LOL!

  18. SS Says:

    Or, if we’re sticking with a vehicle theme here…”take it for a test drive, with special care given to checking the stick shift and compressing the airbags…”

  19. justsomeguy Says:

    hey, I believe that if you love someone or you at least care about them, then you don’t even ask for sex. Why? because there are too many risks. I mean, if you care about someone you don’t want anything bad to happen to her, so you don’t want to take the risks of something bad happening to her. So ladies, if someone asks for sex, well it might not mean they don’t care for you, it might just mean they need to learn what I just wrote. You see, thats why some people say that the whole “only when your in love” thing is wrong, because if you love someone, you don’t even ask it. It’s either that or they see sex as a casual thing.

  20. Madamoiselle L Says:

    @justsomeguy, so you are saying NO ONE should have sex? EVER? Because you see it as “risky?” And you also see sex as a thing men “ask for” and women “give?”

    This is the whole crux of the uninitiateds’ problem. Sex is SHARING. It isn’t one person “giving” and one “taking.”

    Only when those who are prudish realize this will they learn the pleasure, the connection, the happiness and the ecstatic feeling of beautiful sex.

    Until one can see sex as a SHARING experience, one will NEVER understand what sex really is.

  21. Marcus Says:

    The answer to your first question is yes, there are guys out there that can and will respect you and wait for you until you’re ready. See, what people don’t realize is that men are not all the same. There are your good one’s that treat a woman with respect and dignity and then there’s the bad one’s that believe women are along the line of servants and should obey on command. The only tough thing is the good one’s are usually hidden well at the bottom of the ocean. In an age where the media dominates, most men are out-casted for being good guys. Its considered a social suicide.

    As to your second question about how long is too long for him to wait…there is no such thing. He is waiting on you. He has agreed, at some point to not pressure you and if he’s a good guy, he won’t cheat on you. He won’t be one of those guys that makes the bs excuse of ‘you didn’t give me what I wanted’ because it’s not just about him; it’s about you both. It’s understandable for you to be a little worried about making him wait too long, but don’t fret. You are entitled to ensure that you are not going to just give it to someone that only wants you for sex. You are a human being.

    As a guy, I think it’s insanely attractive when a person makes me wait to have sex. I love it. It shows that they aren’t another statistic; another media target. It shows the true depth of the human heart and human mind and how some people just want to do things when they are ready, rather than follow the crowd. Call me crazy but shit, we weren’t born to follow the rest of the world you know.

    So, what you’re doing is perfectly fine. Don’t stress out about it. The guy that you are talking about is closer than you think.

  22. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Marcus, as I have said countless times before, Victorian ideas like the ones YOU have expressed are not common the majority of men.

    MANY men, GOOD men have SHARED sex with women and everyone is respected. Why would a man “lose respect” for a woman with whom he has had sex with?

    WHO thinks like this?

    Again, it’s the “sex as a commodity” bullshit, antiquated, clueless idea of men “taking” and women “giving” and THAT, my friend will make any relationship, marriage or not, be unbalanced, unfair, prejudiced, chauvinistic, and ridiculous.

    Why would a man “disrespect” a women who has sex with him more than she would “disrespect” a man who “gave” her sex? Neither is true, in healthy people.

    It’s sharing. Not something one person “GIVES” to an other. When one sees sex as a “gift” or see the first sex act ever as “losing something” (when it is really GAINING something) people who use sex as a way to get other things (“I’ll keep my little Princess legs crossed, make this jack ass wait until I get that ring, or that coat, or a new car. I’ll make that sucker PAY for what he wants to ‘do to me.’”) and see sex as something only ONE person in the dyad enjoys, then sex will NEVER bee healthy or mature for these people, and they will never find a mature, healthy, and workable relationship.

    DO YOU WANT a woman who only has sex out of a sense of obligation to you? HOW could that be enjoyable? You think it’s “attractive” for you to be duped and to be kept in sexual limbo?

    Sheesh. I really thought by the 21st Century this outdated shit would have been resolved and understood. WTF was done to some of you people to cause you to accept this way of thinking?

    Do any of you, of the “cow-milk-farmer-free” group think that you will ever have an enjoyable, truthful, honest, healthy sexual relationship?

    I’m exhausted talking to y’all.

  23. just a girl Says:

    I saw someone everyday for four wonderful months. I loved him and thought I was special to him, so I wanted him to be my first. Immediately after, he tells me he is so dissapointed with me and all but treats me like nothing and eventually discards me. Later I heard about him being with a prostitute during those four months. I thought I was sure then, but I know now that before I invest the most intimate part of me, heart and body, with someone I will be committed and wearing a ring. just my experience.

  24. martin Says:

    From my experience, I would come to the conclusion that all sex serves as is to complicate relationships. At 21, I have had three relationships and we thought we were deeply in love the whole time, but after we had sex, things started to change. The first one wanted it all the time, the second one was not ready at all, and the third one was the most normal but we started to fight much more and within a few months, all the relationships failed.

    As of now, I have decided to wait to get to know the person on the most personal levels before I have sex with them. To answer the poster’s question, yes, there are guys out there who will wait for you. Most of them have probably learned from experience, sadly. If a man really loves you for who you are, they will wait for you and respect you and not cheat on you, etc. I just hope you find that person some day.

    Good luck, :)

  25. matt Says:

    I lost my virginity at age 14.I was so horny and excited.But penetration was too brusque for her and I ejaculated in two minutes. It was dissapointing, and not at all satisfying, specially for her. I was too young. After learning more about sex, I had sex time afterwrds with much better results:lovingly, previously exciting my gf and learning to think how I should make her have pleasure in the act, and not thinking only about me, or about her as a sex object, and then sex became extremely exciting and pleasurable, because she felt a lot of pleasure which heightened my own . Now it is wonderful; always with condoms and certainly no promiscuity.

  26. Jamer Says:

    After reading everyone’s opinions, i have realized that they have truly helped me. I have just turned 20 and have come upon the decision of wanting to wait or just to take a chance. I believe that To build a strong realtionship, it must be based on love, trust, and honesty. I believe that sexual plesure should be formed from the love of the two people. Although, hormones cause us to think and act like this, oh and of course sin. I believe that it is nice to wait until marriage for two reasons.

    1St reason: God said in his Word to wait until mariage because sex is only fit for that time in two people’s lives. If we as His chosen people would like to build a strong realtionship with the Lord Jesus Christ, we must follow his commandmets first.

    2nd reason: To me, by waiting top have sex until marriage, gives you enough time to build that loving realationship. It helps you to choose what is the right time and the right person. Not all relationships or marriages will work out perfectly or how you planned, bu

  27. Bridget Says:

    Madmoiselle L,

    I must respond to your post as I completely disagree. You are equating everyone with a give or take stance. However, I think you will find that most virgins (including myself) want more of the sharing aspect of it. It is not me giving to him and him taking but rather we are enjoying each other’s bodies/hearts and minds. The fact is that you are sharing something special with someone when you give away yourself to them, regardless if it is the first time or the 500th time. Each time you are sharing yourself with another human being. Personally, for myself, I want someone to enjoy it with me and respect what we are doing and not just be another one night stand. I don’t know what world you are coming from but most men (slippery slope, I know), will just want to sample the the milk and leave the cow out in the middle of the field the next day if you catch my drift. This is fine if you want something like that but for those of us who have waited, we have waited for a reason. I want my sex to be sharing of just more than a body. And let’s face the reality, male or female, most of the time people just want to be fucked. End of story. It is obvious that the virgins that are posting here have waited for something more than that.

    You cannot disagree that there is a difference between a one night stand fuck and making love in a committed relationship (though it doesn’t have to be making love all the time). In fact, your idea of ‘casual sex’ is just as antiquated as what you call the ‘victorian’ ideas that Marcus said. Just look back at the ancient Romans (predating the Victorians, obviously) who had orgies in bath houses. So please don’t label one’s ideas as being ‘old-fashioned’ as yours are as well. What you have to admit is we live in a culture and society that is about instant gratification and moving on from person to person. We can have that more abundantly than ever before due to our media and technological advances. Obviously there are some of us who prefer to have something more than just a casual fuck and there is NOTHING wrong with waiting. And yes, a guy can wait just as a girl can wait. If you want to not play on the sexual bias, then we can say that it is just as easy for men to wait as women and therefore each can wait if they so choose.

    And yes sex is a BIG part of it but to say that it is the MAIN component is throughly asinine. Sorry, but true. Once you are in your 60′s the sex isn’t like what it was in your 20′s and if a relationship is built on sex, then you have two old strangers who are no too afraid to fuck because they might break a hip. I have seen so many marriages (just as you claim to have seen only on the opposite spectrum) fail because they were based on sex. Guess what? Sex fades after some years and if that is what your relationship is built on then your relationship is going to fade as well and he or she will move on to the next person who tickles their fancy. It’s nice that you have your own opinions but saying “THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY BLAH BLAH BLAH AND YOUR IDEAS ARE DUMB AND ANTIQUATED” are ridiculous because your idea of casual sex are JUST as archaic. It is that thought of “Oh, let me have x amount of partners and test drive the car” that has gotten the world into such an STD filled dilemma that it is.

    You also said “Of course, sexual partners often learn from each other, but it is difficult to change your basic drive, or engave in activities you do not enjoy just because you feel like you SHOULD.” I know what I like and you said basically the same thing. People know what their basic drive is. I know I could not live without oral sex, and so that is my priority. I can talk to my guy and tell him about it and he can tell me his fantasies and fetishes and what makes him hard. It’s about SHARING as you said and you can share ideas in more than just acting on it. Also, you lump all virgins together saying we all want to wait for marriage. Yes, that would be ideal but I want to be IN LOVE with the person and have a committed relationship with them and they with me. That is what I ask and I am 23 years old.

    Who says we have to have sex out of obligation? As far as I read, NO ONE said anything about that. I will have sex because I want it, not out of obligation for anyone. And what if you just fuck someone to fuck them? What have you gained? An orgasm, maybe? Being with someone for that period or duration? The experience? Please, that’s such bullshit. You can experience it with someone you’ve waited for and be with them in a more meaningful way and you’ll have more of a connection than just a one night stand. You’ll have more opportunity to come than just a one night stand or a fuck buddy, etc.

    So, just as my thoughts don’t work with you…your thoughts do not work with me or these people who have waited. WHO are you to say that we will not have fulfilling, honest, mature relationships. You don’t know us at all nor what could happen. That would be like me saying you’ll never have anything meaningful or deep at all because you believe in casual sex and fucking whomever. Awfully presumptuous of you and it’s not so nice when turned the other way, now is it?

    And let’s face it, most of the time if you jump in the sack with the guy (or girl) in the first 45 minutes, it will not be meaningful and he won’t care. You were nothing but a fuck to him and he won’t remember your name in the morning. You’re giving yourself away to someone who you wouldn’t even let use your toothbrush, more than likely. That is not respect, either. So, I fail to see how anyone gains anything out of that except for an STD.

    To answer the person’s original question, there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy. I have had offer after offer but I just can’t fuck someone who I don’t have some meaningful and long lasting connection with. I just can’t. I want to wait for the right guy (not PERFECT, mind you, just someone who I love deeply and they me). It is not something you should be ashamed of and good on you for waiting it out. It shows that you care about your emotional health and well-being and have more on your mind than just your body or think that the main component of a relationship is sex. Ask any married couple or serious couple and they will tell you this isn’t true. You’ll find someone to appreciate you just how you are and will wait for you. Just keep being who you are.

  28. johnny Says:

    ^^ Bridget, there are plenty of healthy emotional and rational reasons to reserve one’s first sexual experience for a “special” partner. I don’t think Mml. L would suggest that all virgins are just plain wrong.

    Unfortunately, the “wait for sex” attitude IS powerfully correlated with:

    1. misinformation
    2. negative view of sex
    3. madonna/whore complex
    4. delusion/Disney fantasy
    5. misogyny/misandrony
    6. body image issues

    Maybe none of those things apply to you personally. Plenty of virgins simply want to share their first time with a caring parnter.

    But the problems I listed ARE pervasive and damaging (not just to those virgins themselves) and I can’t blame Mml. L for feeling strongly about it.

  29. Jacob Says:

    I am an 20 y/o virgin male, I have strong Christian values, and I am also waiting for marriage. My last gf was not a virgin, which really hurt me, My ideal relationship is when both of us are virgins, and are married. It’s very hard to find women with the same ideals of marriage as me.

  30. stephen Says:

    Scanning these comments, I find regret among the honest ones who have given in to pressure and given up their virginity. It is a good and honorable thing to reserve the final surrender of your body to the man you marry, or at least the one who wants commitment and respects your body. I hope you find a guy who has waited, or at least one who has gotten past his adolescent fling and now waits for a virtuous woman. I hope you can hold onto what you have that so many others lack. Beware of ‘experienced’ women telling you it is no big deal – it is a big deal. If a guy really loves you, he will not pressure you to do that which you don’t want to do.

  31. Madamoiselle L Says:

    stephen, you make the assumption that women don’t like or want sex, that they only have sex when “under pressure” and that having sex is “a surrender.” You are wrong.

    You also present us with an outdated and unfair Double Standard for women. According to YOU, men are allowed “a guy….who has gotten past his adolescent fling and now waits for a virtuous woman.” Huh? It’s OK for men to have “flings” and THEN, after he’s done, what, “banging hos” it’s fine for him to NOW want “a virtuous woman” for his final one? WTF?

    It’s the 21st Century. Ideas such as women only having sex due to “pressure” and men getting experienced at sex, while “virtuous” women wait in the wings until the men are done playing and fucking around to choose them for their virginal brides went out with whale bone corsets and button shoes. Those days are long gone, and best forgotten.

    No, a good man won’t “pressure” a woman to “do what she doesn’t want to do.” Most good, mature GROWN women already WANT to do it….no pressure needed. Come join the present, OK?

  32. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Brigit, WHERE did I mention “orgies?” (See how the uninformed think. Not a virgin? You must be attending “orgies.” Quite a jump. )

    You also made some weird comments about relationships “based on sex” and how these won’t last “Sex fades after some years and if that is what your relationship is built on then your relationship is going to fade as well” REALLY? You KNOW this? How?

    My Man and I have been together for over 25 years, the last few decades, in a monogamous relationship. Sex is one of the pillars of our relationship. I am not anywhere near 60, but he’s 50 years old. Neither of us is “afraid to have sex” because one of us will “break a hip” (really? I’m actually laughing here.) and in the past 25 years our love has only grown stronger, and our sex life has strengthened what we had, originally, as a basis, years ago, by USING it.

    As it stands, we make love now more than when I was in my teens. Decades later, a relationship that was at one point an Open one (meaning we saw other people, yes even had sex with them, as I was too young to commit, marry or even engage and I needed to finish college as well as both of us sowing some Wild Oats.) is stronger than ever. We didn’t “tire” of sex, in fact, as we got older, it got better, more frequent and more……interesting. Our experiences with other made it better, and neither of us is moving on or getting bored.

    I said NOTHING against a healthy, long term monogamous relationship. NEVER! (Considering that is what I have now, and have had for many many years.) All I said was that the outdated, antiquated idea of the Virginal Bride being the secret to a successful marriage is usually false and misogynist as well as miso-andrist, and that women, healthy, adult women, enjoy sex just as much as healthy adult men, and usually WANT IT as much as men. And that “waiting until the wedding night” and going into the marriage clueless and fumbling does *nothing* to ensure a long term, monogamous relationship.

    Experience, courage, love of experimentation, and Love itself will ensure that. I also said that those of of who have Been There have been in both places, all of us who HAVE sex were once virgins, so we CAN relate, yet the Virgins have never been IN a sexual relationship, so they CANNOT see, nor understand what we do, nor feel what we do, nor predict what will happen in an adult, mature relationship. They have never had one, so their “predictions” are moot.

    Wait a minute….did you mention cows….and milk…..and…..farmers?

    (Mademoiselle runs from the room rending her garments……)

  33. Madamoiselle L Says:

    One more thing, and then I’ll shut up. Quote of the Week for me, from stephen.

    “Beware of ‘experienced’ women…”

    Yes, we are the women your mama warned your about….(eye roll)

    runs into the other room to check the calendar to make sure she hasn’t fallen into Rip in the Space Time Continuum which has transported her 60 or 70 years or more into the past….nope, still 2010……WTF?

  34. juliansmiles Says:

    hi. :) before i lost my virginity at the age of 17, i also thought of waiting for the right time. but then a boy came into my life. we were best friends, and have totally different point of views. he had all the experience, and i, on the other hand, don’t have a single idea. so several months passed, we fell inlove with each other and we talked about “it”.

    i can say that NO, i didnt give in. it was not an obligatory thing or something. it was scary at first, we tried several times before we finally did it. we lay at each other naked, but just kisses and hugs, then progressed to more intimacy.. and finally we did it. and it was fun. and fulfilling.

    sex is really a “sharing” of feelings and experience. i am committed to him and he is committed to me. i can see him as my husband in the future. i am 19 now and the past 2 years have been the greatest so far. sometimes i even feel that he is more committed than i am. and that is such a blessing. i love him :)

    wait if you really would like to, but not just because of beliefs. sometimes, those beliefs are bent. sex is a scary thought at first. but it will go away if you find a committed partner. plus, it makes life exciting :)

  35. Biddy Says:

    Same thing is happening to me right now, cause anytime i visit my boyfriend that is the main thing he is dieing for i.e. sex, which I as a 24 yr old is not ready to give! I want it to be for my husband and not my boyfriend! But now I am fed up, cause I am thinking maybe he just wanna have sex with me and tht is it!

  36. Analise Says:

    Well, just as a little encouragement… My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we started dating. He was ready to have sex long before I was but never brought it up or pressured me. Long story short, we were dating about a year and a half before we had sex. We have been together about 4 years so we’ve been having sex about 2 1/2, and I can honesty say…I feel like my sexual experiences have been very different than those of most of my girlfriends. Sex for me has always been associated with love, and while it’s always been physically pleasurable, it has been so wonderful because we love each other so much and have shown it through our dedication to/patience with each other. I certainly see merit in having multiple sexual partners and experiencing different things in your youth, but only having one sexual partner has been beautiful for me and my boyfriend because sex has been so much more than just “sex”. For those who argue about sexual compatability, I don’t know, maybe I have a skewed view because me and my bf clicked really well sexually, but I don’t think that was “chance”…I think it was more because we loved each other so much, we made sex work. So I wouldn’t worry too much about waiting awhile and then the sex being bad…if people love each other, the sex will be enjoyable. Anyway, the point of my ramblings is basically to say, I know there are guys out there who are willing to wait, and if this is important to you (as it seems it is) I encourage you to stand up for what you want. “How long” is really up to you…how long it takes until you’re ready, and a good guy will be willing to wait however long that as.

  37. Sara Says:

    I didn’t have the time to read all of the comments, but I figured I would share the little input that I do have on this subject. I recently lost my virginity just about 2 months ago. I’m 20 years old and I’m pretty much the last of my friends to have sex. The guy that I lost it to and I have been casually and nonexclusively dating for the past 2 years extremely on and off. The first time we broke it off was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He assumed that I was not a virgin and thought that I was being a tease, so I ended it because I figured he was not worth it. We started dating and hooking up again every now and then after he apologized and basically was able to convince me that he truly did care about me, but after some time he started talking about how badly he wanted to have sex with me and I started to consider the idea because he seemed like he really had changed and he was aware of how important it meant to me. He promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me, and that he certainly wouldn’t take my virginity then be done with me, which I told him was my biggest fear about losing my virginity. Anyway– we ended up having sex and it was a great night and he assured me that he really cared about me. However, it’s been 2 months since that night and he no longer talks to me and I have not seen him once. SOOOOO… clearly I was fooled by him, but I just want to put it out there, that some people really don’t ever change regardless of how good they are at acting like they have.

  38. Asian Dating Sites Says:

    Though most guys are anxious and curious to have sex, I strongly feel they should let girl become comfortable first. I would myself like to feel safe and secured and not pushed into having sex. I agree with Sara’s story that girls often trust their man and dream of forever relation and trus and give up for their man. And once the guy gets what he wanted, he disappears and all those chocolate talks are vanished.

  39. nick Says:

    Madamoiselle L
    love your comments… any chance you’ve got a younger sister who’s single?
    you have the kind of relationship i’ve always wished to have.

  40. haidy Says:

    hi am haidy i meet aboy how is so quite and hot i think that iam in love with him but he is always speak about sex i want do sex witn u if u do with me i will be your dog and idon’t like thise because iam sure if i do thise with him we will not be together again pleaaase i need help

  41. Magpie Says:

    My husband and I were dating for 15 months before we got engaged, which was another 21 months. He didn’t seem to have any trouble waiting. (He was 26 when we got married).

  42. Austin Says:

    I lost my v card b4 i met the girl i am with and she still has hers. She don’t hate me for it but i kinda don’t like the fact i did it b4 i met her. we have ben togethr for a year and she knows how to turn me on and in vise versa BUT we havn’t gone all the way. It doesnt bother me because sex is not everything. some people may think it is but its not. I think that if more girls and guys wated then ths world wouldn’t be so over populated but anymore you hav 13-16 year olds who are having kids left and right and its rediculous. once you are out of high school its not as bad because you arn’t under your parents roof but i think people should still w8. like i said i realy regret lossing myn but you can’t change the pasat i guess.

  43. Kay Says:

    Okay, I’m a little irritated at the attitude here. You’re allowed to be however you want sexually, UNLESS what you want to do is wait?

    You can have your ‘test drive’ idea all to yourselves. Yes, it takes more hard work, communication, and a deeper set of attachments, but you can stay in a relationship without having sex.

    I’m a 20 year old virgin, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years, and I can tell you this without a doubt in my mind: He is a caring, attentive lover with only my needs at heart.

    How do I know that? Because guys who selfish sexually are selfish in other areas too. You’re not going to marry a guy who loves you, respects you, and does his utmost to make you happy only to discover Whoops! He’s a selfish, inconsiderate sexual partner!

    I agree that there are a lot of differences in sex drive from person to person, and a lot of off-the-wall desires. But believe it or not, if you trust each other, you’ll be willing to discuss them. If your partner divulges that they hate giving oral sex and require you to play a song on the trumpet before every go round, you’re not going to be surprised when it happens.

    I don’t care what any of you do behind closed doors with willing partners, but don’t mistake a sexual relationship as a substitute for good communication. Not everything needs to be learned through experience, and some of us actually want to wait. And not just because we’re selfish, ice-cold virginal flowers who secretly want our partners to suffer.

    (P.S. Believe it or not, I do have an active, healthy sex drive, and so does he. We are also very physically attracted to each other, but we deal with it. Also, inb4 “You can’t possibly know anything about his sexual habits until you experience intercourse with him”. And may I add: “Wahh!”.)

  44. Raneynun Says:

    Before I say anything: I am only 19 and the guys I am dealing with were raised to be pretty open, horney, and willing to give up a v-card like a bad habit.

    I hate to break it to you, but you might be shit out of luck as far as finding a good guy. It seems like good guys who aren’t already virgins are NOT willing to wait at all. I am in college and sex isn’t such a deal, but I was surprised to see that once a guy found out a girl was a virgin, she was not only quickly walked away from, but a certain invisible force field was placed around her and no one would even think of hooking up with her. The thing is that no one wanted to so to speak “take one for the team” and make her available.

    I repeat that I am probably around a completely different culture of men than you are looking for. However, I would guess that if the guys you are finding were in college once and are not still virgins…they might be the same way.

    Honestly my best advice for you would be to find yourself a virgin.

    Don’t give it up to anyone though, you are worth it for the right guy, and i DO believe he IS out there. I wish I had mine back even though I gave it to the right person at that time.

    No hard feelings.

  45. J Girl Says:

    We waited just over a year until we had sex. I’m 23 now and it happened just after my 22nd birthday. My boyfriend is a year younger than me and while he was not a virgin, he hadn’t had sex within a real relationship. While we did do other things within the year of going out, he completely respected my decision to wait until it felt right and never pressured me in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do.

    I was in a similar situation to you in that while I didn’t necessarily want to wait til marriage I did want to wait until it felt right, until I was in love.

    There are good men still out there. And I completely believe you can find someone who will wait for you. One tip though, make sure you talk about it. Even though we weren’t having sex we talked about it heaps and made sure we were both completely comfortable before we did it. It sounds so cliche, but communication is vital!

    Goodluck with your search! :D

  46. Katybery Says:

    Im an 18 year old girl just come out of an serious relationship because i am completely in love with somebody my own age im not a virgin but he is we’ve made out but cant seem to take things further weve been with each other like 2 months would it be right for me to ask or should i just keep on waiting ??

  47. Fox Says:

    I am a 29 year old experienced man dating a 24 year old virgin. I am actually really enjoying myself with my girlfriend while at the same time find myself wanting to wait for the magic moment. In a way, I feel like I am a virgin again. It’s really nice to share this moment with my girlfriend. I think that we need to remember that sex is about sharing. If it is ever a one sided experience, then somebody will be left unsatisfied or experience longing.
    So we had several talks and intimate moments except for having full intercourse. Now we are both having a great experience with the whole anticipation process. I might be enjoying it a bit more because to be frank, am used to having sex by or after the third date. Soft and gentle is the way to go. Don’t be selfish with your needs. Try to create an equal wavelength between you. Don’t give or take too much. Enjoy the process. I hope this helped somebody.
    aha, even though she said “i want you to be the first man i have” that doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. I need to be patient and understanding. Love making is chemistry. a lovely chemical it is…

  48. Marija Says:

    Well first i must say i agree with all of you! Everyone has right in their own way…Me i am a 19 year old virgin girl and recently i had a short affair with this guy who was convincing me that first time is no big deal and that we should do it.I gave him a blow job but afterwards he wouldn’t want to return a favor! And when he got down to me with his fingers i enjoyed and felt like i want more but still didn’t come, while i made him come- almost twice! This selfishness made me realize that i shouldn’t go and that it’s good that i didn’t go till the end with the guy cause it only goes to show he was interested in himself and his pleasure and he doesn’t care much about mine.I am not the kind of virgin who wouldn’t give in to anything sexual but for that final thing i believe it’s worth waiting cause in one night stands and similar ‘combinations’ when a guy and a girl doesn’t know each other all too well one side (and it’s usually a female one) ends up feeling hurt, used , abandoned.A guy who didn’t meet your basic needs, your wishes, your body, mind, you , can’t really know what you like and therefore can’t make you happy! You’ll know when you’re ready, you’ll feel when it’s the right time and a right person but before that don’t do anything you’ll regret about later.Maybe i a end up being 26 a still a virgin but at least i know what i deserve and how much i worth and how much a guy should wait till he has me! Yes, sex IS a big deal and is not something you’d do just like that on the 1st date and especially not the first time you have it! cause it will have an effect on each experience you have later on.It’s psychology – people learn from experience; sometimes good, sometimes bad.And if it’s a bad one, believe me or at least people who said from their own experience it caused them a lot of trouble to regain trust in love once they lost it.

  49. Marija Says:

    I must add this is only my experience and that maybe that are people out there who are meant for each other that they have absolutely no sexual issues.But i do believe it is so rare that most of us have to kiss many frogs before we find the right one.I prefer waiting on him.

  50. JuliaVee Says:

    While I can see everyone’s points and understand where they are coming from, I also wish so suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be trying to prove someone who doesn’t agree with our opinions wrong, but simply telling them what we believe. I find it very offensive when someone tries to convince me I’m wrong on an issue that is purely based on opinion. There is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma. Do what you choose. You are you, not someone else. You can’t force anyone else to believe what you do. They have to want to.
    Now that I’ve finished my little tolerance rant… I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to take my sins away and there is nothing you can do to change the way I feel about that. So don’t try. Given my religious beliefs, I also believe that God wants His people to wait until marriage for sex. You can disagree all you want but that it what I believe.


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