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Your Call – How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?

Tue, Mar 2, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by (nutmeg)

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.

So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.

– The 26-Year-Old Virgin

What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:

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252 Responses to “Your Call – How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?”

  1. Lovereaction Says:

    Stephen wrote: “Beware of ‘experienced’ women telling you it is no big deal – it is a big deal”.

    Afraid of experienced women?

  2. The guy Says:

    So you got no religious views over sex? So, pretty much your wanting a guy to trust you, when your not giving him the full package in a relationship? Its not about sex, its about how selfish you are. A Guy is also wanting to feel safe around you, but from that post I find it ok that your a virgin, but I am sure a few of these guys you let go were possible amazing people. Humans have a need, and when someones saying ” No you cannot have sex” and its not because of my religious views, and they been dating you for months, and treat you like a god and get nothing in return? Yeah its insulting. Your snatch aint that good.

  3. Person Says:

    It’s not really the fact that men don’t respect you, it’s that you also have to respect his feelings. Of course, if the guy your dating really loves you, he’ll tell you that he’ll wait any amount of time for you, but that’s when you have to step in and realize that he loves you and is willing to wait for you so that you should be willing to give in to him and have sex, or make love.

  4. Frank Says:

    You are awesome and you should wait for marriage. No one respects whores, we as men just use them and laugh about them with our friends. I would love to meet a woman with some class for a change and any guy that tells u different is full of it. Sluts are a dime a dozen and no one respects them.

  5. jon Says:

    hello im writing this post and maybe its late to comment but having been the guy in a similar circumstance i thought i could shed some light. I have been with my girlfriend for a long time. itll b 6years in dec. my girlfriend was a virgin when i went out with her and as a guy i thought that was incredible i truly was (and still am)in luv with her. She was not easy to get intimate with lol. anyway what im trying to say is there are amazing guys out there if you wait and look carefully, i never ever pressured my girlfriend into anything we had fun and truly liked being with each other for me that was enough all though i had to take alot of cold showers lol. well we recently made love this year. THATS RIGHT!!!!! I waited 5 1/2 years for sex!!!!! but you knw what it was well worth the wait. Hang in there youll find someone. No respect=No future

  6. Whoregurl Says:

    Hiii!
    I think that it’s amazing you’ve waited so long to have sex. I think that sex is a beautiful thing and that you should never let yourself get to a point where you don’t feel comfortable nor safe. Your virginity is sacred please don’t forget that. Your virginity is nothing to take for granted and I think you should save it for someone you love and trust. You are a beautiful, respectable, decent woman that doesn’t deserve to feel any less than what you are so please cherish your position and your self. I lost my virginity at a very young age and have ever since thought of sex as being very casual when I know in my heart it is far from. All the best for you!
    xoxo
    L

  7. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Frank, you “want to meet some girls with class for a change.” Then you resort to using what you consider insults to describe women? Do you think there is a connection to your not “being able to meet” any girls you think are “classy” and the fact that you obviously think of women as “whores” and “sluts?”

    I think you will be waiting forever, until you start to realize women are human, and that enjoying sex, for a man or a woman doesn’t mean one isn’t “classy.”

    Good luck finding what doesn’t exist. It’s guys like you who are single until they are 46 years old and still can’t figure out “what is wrong with all these women?” When a mirror would give the best answer to that.

  8. 19 yr old virgin Says:

    Hi! I don’t know if you are still reading these posts but I thought I would comment. I am nineteen yr old girl and have been dating someone for two years and I am still a virgin. He is not a virgin, has only had sex once with someone before we dated. I have chosen not to have sex because I wouldnt feel right doing that, since it is a bonder, until I am 100% sure I will be with this person for the rest of my life, I don’t do well with emotional pain, and I know if we ever broke up then it would be that much harder since we had sex. So that is something to think about, and also…I 100% believe that if a guy loves you, truly loves you he will respect and honor your desires and feelings. Don’t ever let ANYONE boy or girl tell you that you owe them anything!!!! He should be nice to you and treat you well because he cares for you not because he is looking for something in return. I am a sophomore in college and sooo many times I meet girls who are in relationships or are “hooking-up” with people and they don’t understand why they get treated like shit. If you don’t respect yourself and stick up for what you believe and give into everything, why should someone respect you or believe that you have anything to offer him in the long run. My point is, don’t give up hope. And besides it is better to keep your dignity and keep looking for a ten than settle for a five and loose your self only to avoid being alone!

  9. Tony H. Says:

    yOU SHOULD stay with what you believe and wait until your ready. If a guy your dating wont wait , then he probably wasnt worth giving your virginity to. However if your not waiting for marriage , you dont know what your missing lol

  10. Sarah Says:

    I myself am a 21-year old virgin, simply because I honestly haven’t had much dating experience and so haven’t even had the opportunity to “find the right guy,” though I can’t see myself having casual sex right now or even right away after getting in a relationship. Personally, I’d want to have sex with someone whom I’m really intimate with emotionally, in a committed relationship where we both love and RESPECT each other. I have no delusions about “Mr. Right,” and agree that anyone could probably be happy with several different people (no one’s perfect, and meeting your partner is based on chance and location as much as anything else). But for some people, self included, sex as a purely physical act holds little appeal, and there’s nothing wrong with that–just as there’s nothing wrong with casual sex either, as long as both partners are consenting and know that it’s just sex and nothing more.

    If you want to wait because you feel you’re not ready, that’s the right reason to wait. And if your partner really cares about you, they’ll want to do it with you when YOU’RE ready, not because you feel guilty about making them wait (if they keep pushing you, then they really don’t care). If they REALLY care about you, how could they take pleasure from having sex with you if you’re somewhat unwilling and not really committed? I have a friend who started off really physical with her ex-boyfriend, and it was a mistake. She was a totally inexperienced in relationships and sex, and he had a bad reputation for sleeping around; she tried to give him a chance despite his reputation, but he really just wanted in her pants. And all this was pretty obvious from the get-go: whenever they were physically intimate, he would keep pushing to go further and further, even though she had already told him “No” the past time, he just kept pushing, and eventually, they did have sex. Everyone has sexual needs, OBVIOUSLY, but that’s like saying everyone needs to eat! It can’t always come first, not if you really care.

    On the other hand, if you’re making your partner wait just as a test of their feelings, then maybe you’ve already confirmed your suspicions–you DON’T trust them, so even if you feel ready (and maybe with someone you did trust and love you already would), you wouldn’t want to do it with them–and at that point, the relationship is over anyway. It’s more a sign of lack of trust than a sign of not being ready for sex, and without trust and respect there IS no relationship.

    While I agree that sex is obviously an important part of a relationship, it is only *A* part, and not necessarily the most important one. My uncle married his wife for sex, basically, and she’s crazy and makes his life a living hell–clearly not the only factor you should use in judging someone as a life partner. It’s really great if you can maintain a physical relationship later on in life, but obviously those initial feelings of intense passion abide over time, and for the relationship to persist it has to be based on something deeper than physical attraction or compatibility (for that you might as well just indulge in one night stands and forget the hassle of commitment). Sex is an amazing experience, whether as a purely physical experience or as an emotional one, and also a risky one (both physically and emotionally), so either way it shouldn’t be taken lightly. By seriously considering your readiness for sex, when you do finally feel ready, it will be a testament of your love and will mean all that much more.

  11. Felix Says:

    I’m a male and will also air my views. I strongly believe that sex is a wonderful gift from God; it is something so precious we cannot just share with anybody, it defeats the whole purpose. I will correct a few misconceptions;

    You don’t “make love” with a boyfriend/girlfriend; you “lay” with your boyfriend/girlfriend; I know to the modern this sounds the same, but these words are very opposite in meaning. To lay with somebody means to rob/deceive/lure/force them to give you their virginity for the pleasure of it; by so doing you’re no better than a robber. I am sorry to say that I have lost respect for most of the guys out there, because most of you are armed robbers.

    To “make love” is also to “know” someone. This might sound a bit vague, but spare me your ears for a moment. To know someone in love terms, is to understand the value and worth of the person, to know them by “heart” not just by sight or feelings. It is also to have established or fixed in the mind or memory the true worth of the person. No human being was created for pleasure; a human being is not an object for satisfaction, or a thing so to speak. We enjoy things but we add value to humans!

    To love means to have something to offer; I personally don’t believe that a person will keep his/her virginity just to feel important, or because he/she is selfish; this is madness and sounds vain. Everyone who keeps his/her virginity truly keeps it for another (whom he/she values) and this is the fuel of love. To the virtuous women on this blog, I humbly praise you, for the path you have chosen leads to life, joy, gladness and many more! Keep your virginity!

    Let the wise hear my words; when two people who have kept themselves for each other meet, a fire is lit which burns to eternity, there’s no shame in their nakedness and truly they come to taste true love. These are people who have something to offer not to receive.

    A lady must be honored, a price must be paid, for her worth is more than rubies and gold, there’s no precious thing to be compared onto her.

    My advice to the ladies out there;

    It is not cool to leave your front doors open; because there will be nothing left in your house before you know it. Have understanding and only give yourself wholly to that great man of your house, who will admonish and respect and protect every bit of you, not by flattery or sweet words, luring to rob you, but by patience and endurance let him keep you.

    My advice to my fellow men;

    We don’t run around like beasts when we’re hungry, seeking food to devour, but we put our bodies under subjection, until we are in the right place, seated and the right food is set before us; even then, we take our time to eat, so that we may enjoy the food thoroughly.
    If you truly love her, then what have you got to offer? Don’t tell me sex! That is receiving not offering!

    Make that Lady a better person than she is now (marry her), don’t tear her apart and please don’t use her to your own shame.

    God bless!

  12. Johnny Says:

    ^ While I don’t agree, I COULD have respected your opinion, right up until “armed robbers”. I’m not an armed robber.

  13. Alexander Says:

    If god made us Equal, why the &^$# do women get to be so selfish? I Spend Thousands of dollars on this girl! I treat her like a princess, I was always there, I NEVER, Not Once got anything in return but affection, and emotional attention, which I also return back.

    Why must us men give the full package up front, while to woman gives like 30% of the package? like isn’t that selfish?

    I love this girl so much, we been together 2 years now, and I’ve been waiting. I am slowly beginning to pressure her a little. Nice guys finish last right?

    Guys have feelings also, we also wonder if a girl is the one to have their kids with. Seriously!

    Sometimes I feel like I’m not worth her virginity. What, Im not worth her 100% Then you know what, she’s not worth being treated like a 100% princess.

    Ladies, Trust me, its hard for us men to wait, but we do it anyway. Its not our fault. Trust me, the guys who would wait 5 years? They are feeling the same way as me, they just too nice to express their feelings because they don’t want to be an asshole. Trust me, they jerking off every night, or paying a prostitute to get relieved. wacking off is most likely tho.

    If you don’t feel comfortable after the first year, why the hell are you still with the guy? Don’t waste your time, Dont waste our time. What if we wait 6 years, we finaly get some sex… 1 year after she dumps you… How would you think the guy would feel? and what do you think you have created? I gaurentee that the new girlfriend will have a little pressure. Women Create Assholes. No one wants to finish last! and Yeah Im bitter, because clearly im not worth her fuckin virginity…

    Welp, I’m about to meet up with her, gotta put on my geeky lookin fake smile like everything is perfect. She won’t notice, have been doing it for the past 3 months.

  14. Hailey Says:

    Felix… that was beautiful! :)

    Alexander, you sound like a ‘real’ prize… NOT. You’re obviously not looking for true love. True love consists of knowing somebody and loving them FOR THEM, and still being there and doing anything for them. That includes waiting for her to open up while loving/nurturing her.

    Nobody asked you to buy her gifts. Oh, and you shouldn’t be complaining about how you’re not ‘recieving’ anything in exchange. If you truly loved her… you wouldn’t EXPECT anything in exchange. GET OVER YOURSELF. Break up with her, move to another state, and get a whore of a girlfriend to satisfy your egotistical ways.

  15. Johnny Says:

    Alexander, there are terms for everything you’re going through, which, while extraordinarily dorky, are highly descriptive of and relevant to your frustrating dilemma. One of them is “supplication”. I suggest you do a little research. You’ll find clear answers to your problems.

    Not that you’ll necessarily like the answers you find. Good advice is often hard to hear.

  16. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Alexander, maybe you’re with the wrong woman. Six years? Whew! Don’t blame the entire female gender for this woman’s prudery and selfishness. But, ladies, THIS is how guys who think guys will “wait forever if they ‘love’ me” feel about the entire female gender. You might want to re-read his post and see if YOU want your man to think not only of YOU, but all of WomanKind like this, after you “make him wait” for the end of time to do what most people actually ENJOY doing.

    Felix; WTF? If I wanted a sermon, I’d go to Church. This is a SEX POSITIVE web site. You obviously don’t value sex as many here do. I don’t get ANYTHING else you have said besides this obvious point of your rave.

    This Site is changing, ladies. Really. *sigh*

  17. Johnny Says:

    Mml. L, I like your message of feminine sexual and emotional responsibility toward one’s partner, and I don’t like the sound of Alexander’s little lady, but I would say at the end of the day a person is responsible for his or her own happiness.

    The seduction community, which gets shit for being mysoginistic, actually forces guys to confront attitudes like alexander’s. It teaches men to stop blaming and hating women for thier own (the mens’ own) failings.

    He feels like he has no control over his sex life. He feels like it’s this fragile thing that SHE holds in the palm of her hand, and that enrages him.

    But of course he’s wrong. His sex life is in HIS hands. He has the power to leave and purue one that would make him happy.

    There are a million excuses why he won’t. I’ve heard them all, and I’ve occasionally made them myeslf. But the bottom line is, she’s not cheating him (although I’d guess that she’s probably not that nice to him). He’s cheating himself.

  18. Graphite Says:

    Alexander, you don’t love this woman, you resent her. You should probably break up with her and find someone who shares your attitude to sex rather than someone who’s still not ready for it. (By the way, if she’s reciprocating affection and emotional attention and she’s not ready for sex, you’re being kind of dim by thinking you can buy her readiness with “thousands of dollars” spent on her. That’s not how relationships or sexual maturation work.)

    Felix, dear lord, I don’t even know where to begin.

  19. Graphite Says:

    No, wait, I do.

    “Make that Lady a better person than she is now (marry her)”
    Really? Women are better people when married?
    “It is not cool to leave your front doors open; because there will be nothing left in your house before you know it. Have understanding and only give yourself wholly to that great man of your house, who will admonish and respect and protect every bit of you, not by flattery or sweet words, luring to rob you, but by patience and endurance let him keep you.”
    Let me tell you a secret – you don’t “run out” of sex, the ability to have emotional intimacy or affection or connection, if you have sex with more than one man. You can have sex with more than one man over a lifetime and still be able to love each and every man you’re ever in a relationship with, with your whole heart. Love is not a commodity you run out of.
    And frankly, I’m not excited about a man who thinks it’s his duty to “admonish” me. That sounds not like the constructive criticism of a friend, but the voice of someone who wishes to impose their own moral code on me, and thinks it’s their place to train me like a wayward puppy.

    “If you truly love her, then what have you got to offer? Don’t tell me sex! That is receiving not offering!”
    Actually, no, sex is both offering and receiving, since I think you’ll find women often greatly enjoy having sex, not just men.

    “To love means to have something to offer; I personally don’t believe that a person will keep his/her virginity just to feel important, or because he/she is selfish; this is madness and sounds vain. Everyone who keeps his/her virginity truly keeps it for another (whom he/she values) and this is the fuel of love.”
    I have my personality to offer, my kindness and my intelligence and responsibleness and sense of humour. If a man values my virginity so much that he would turn down all these things because I don’t have it to “give” him, he has nothing good to offer me except a contrast to better men with better priorities.
    Oh, and some people stay virgins because they personally don’t feel ready for sex. You can be with the right person and still be unready. Virginity is one’s own, and it is one’s own business how one deals with it.

    “You don’t “make love” with a boyfriend/girlfriend; you “lay” with your boyfriend/girlfriend; I know to the modern this sounds the same, but these words are very opposite in meaning. To lay with somebody means to rob/deceive/lure/force them to give you their virginity for the pleasure of it; by so doing you’re no better than a robber. I am sorry to say that I have lost respect for most of the guys out there, because most of you are armed robbers.”
    You cannot steal something that is freely and joyously given or shared. No person who has consensual sex is stealing from the person they have sex with. Or wait, are you saying they’re stealing from the future husband of the woman? Does that mean, in your eyes, her virginity was never her own and she had no right to decide what to do with it? How infantilising.

    Oh, and do men just not have virginity?

  20. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Thank you, Johnny. And you are right. Alexander had complete control over his sex life. He chooses to have a “mate” (I use the word loosely) who chooses to manipulate him and he thinks, not only that her “giving herself” to him is what he wants, but will at the same time, make her less “classy.” Double Standard! Yeah, he has control. He chooses to put all women into one of the narrow slots of either “Whore” or “Madonna” when few of us are either. Also, as you and I both know, Johnny, women don’t “give themselves” to men. How much money he spends has nothing to do with it, attraction, self confidence, drive, willingness to leave stereotypes behind, and ability to enjoy oneself play into it. Sex is sharing. :)

    Thank you Graphite. You make a lot of sense. I think most of us saw the silly double standard in Alexander’s post (and his thinking) and that alone is the most strong reason he resents women and isn’t having sex. I don’t, and never did have sex with men who thinks it means something different to them as it does to me. Only with men who know sex is sharing, loving, intimate, rollicking good time. (and I do speak in the past tense, as as it its, I only have sex with my husband)

  21. Alexander Says:

    I didn’t feel like this at the beginning. Some or all of you guys think im some sort of monster. I do love the girl, If I didnt, I would of cheated along time ago. Its not like im a bad looking person. I think I look better than most. I’m that nice guy who doesn’t get any, thats all. I guess the issue here is the fact that im clearly addicted to sex. I understand that maybe the girl is just not ready to experience something new, knowing that its not gonna be fun. Resent her? well damn, I wish I wasn’t resenting her, wish I can change that. Trust me I dont want to be like this. Its just the way I feel.

    Maybe you’re right! one of yous xD, maybe I should break up with her if im feeling like this… I don’t want to, because I love her. I want Love, not sex, So I want to love someone and have sex… Feels better.

  22. Johnny Says:

    I don’t think you’re a monster, or a bad person, or a sex addict. I think you’re a normal guy going through something most guys have gone through. Except that if you have tons of money to blow on her, you’re probably going through it later in life than a lot of guys. Too late in life, I’d say. Time to take control of your sex life, dude.

    You’re your own worst obstacle here. Find yourself a new woman. I guarantee that when you’re lying in bed with her post-sex, sweating and panding and still holding on to each other, all lovey-dovey and happy, Ms. Magic Locked Treasure Chest Panties won’t seem so special anymore.

  23. Graphite Says:

    Better – find yourself a counsellor. It sounds like you have some massive self image issues that are keeping you from seeing the situation clearly – you’re not a “nice guy that doesn’t get any”, you’re a man in the wrong relationship for you right now, or a man in a relationship where he’s never felt courageous enough to reveal his full sexual desires and the extent of his frustration to his partner. What are you afraid of?

  24. DavidH Says:

    I think from both perspectives, male and female, different types of sex can create different types of emotions. Women who plan to wait need to be BEYOND clear about their mentality and make sure that the sexual aspect of the relationship, which people (especially virgins) need to realize plays a major role, should be out in the open and able to be discussed. In other words ladies, make sure you fully understand why you are waiting! Do not be vague about this topic, even to yourself, because you are not the only one in the relationship.

    So, if a man is waiting indefinitely that is a problem. He should know what her views on sex are. If those views are marriage, that is a given period and needs to be respected (whether or not it is the best decision considering marriage should come after full commitment, including understanding your partner’s sexuality, but that is just my opinion). If those reasons, however, are waiting for the right guy or waiting for a guy she trusts, then what does that say about how she looks at her current boyfriend? Women need to understand that they are (in general) more complicated than us men. Meaning, that women should stop feeling fear at some point, and take the leap already! If a woman is still skeptical of trust after, say, a year, then the guy needs to know that this is why she is still a virgin. She should also know that perhaps she is overly protective or maybe he is just not a trustworthy person.

    On the other hand, a guy needs to be mature enough to recognize whether his main reason for staying is just for the sex. If a guy is waiting and “putting up” with what he views as her negative qualities, than he needs to be real enough to end it on that note. Ideally, a guy should be waiting because her happiness and comfort is more important than sexual intimacy in the relationship. However, especially in the case of a virgin, the value of this sexual intimacy cannot be disregarded. Ejaculating in a woman’s hand or in her mouth is exactly what it is. Even guys can attest to this. The step from oral sex to actual sex adds much more entirety to the relationship.

    So virgins, REALIZE THIS. Realize that you have not had sex before and cannot even begin to understand what making love is like (if you disagree, then sorry, but you have not made love). You need to reflect and understand what it is you are waiting for, then reciprocate this fact back to your partner. Your reasons for waiting cannot be misunderstood for either person! There is another human being in the relationship and you must respect them as well. Making love is a beautiful thing, and you must recognize that you are depriving your male partner of this beauty and of your whole. If you want to wait, go for it, you probably should in most cases, but make sure you are a big girl and are waiting because of strength, not weakness.

  25. Jenny Says:

    I have made every guy I’ve ever been wit sexually wait 6 months. I don’t regret sleeping with any guy I’ve ever been with because it enhanced a relationship that was already established. As the relationships continued to progress between the 1 & 2 year mark we realized that our dreams and hopes for our long term futures were not compatible, but because our relationship was based on friendship and not selfish self gratification ending the relationships seemed right because we truly wanted what was best for one another. I’ve been with 4 guys sexually, and this last one I think is the one and as of recent conversations about what ring I would like I am pretty sure he feels the same way.

    I feel your pain because I’ve also had guys pressure me and tell me if I loved them I wouldn’t make them wait that long. These guys had excellent qualities but they didn’t have the respect for me or the self-control. I always knew a guy loved me before I slept with him. I feel that each time was amazing because of the way it enhanced the relationship already there.

    And there are plenty of guys who wait. Most of my friends waited, and no not all of them are Christians, until they were engaged or married because they only wanted to be with one person. I don’t have THAT much self control and think 6 months was hard enough. Oh and the current guy is an atheist so their are plenty of guys even without any religious reasons willing to wait! And usually I have found those guys are more generous in bed too. All of the guys I’ve been with have been incredibly generous in comparison to what I hear from other friends who didn’t have guys who would wait. I think this is because it is about them feeling good and not about a two way relationship.

    Oh, and by the way. I’m work part time as a sex therapist. So I see lots of problems develop from couples who based their relationship on sex. Nothing is wrong with waiting as long as it isn’t a form of manipulating the guy.

  26. a.g. Says:

    I am 24 and a virgin. currently have seen this one man three times on the weekly basis and have not mentioned anything about this. We haven’t kissed or anything. i just want to get to know him better and make sure we hangout as friends first. I believe making love is sacred and should be done in a committed monogamous relationship. Some people don’t believe in marriage so i think people should wait 6 months to a year before deciding whether they share their body with someone else. I have never dated anyone that long before.

  27. Lily Says:

    Well said, Felix.

    Sex is a precious thing and creates emotional ties and intimacy as well as physical. It’s extremely sensible to wait for at least some kind of commitment (or marriage) before sharing such a fragile but potentially wonderful, beautiful part of yourself.

  28. king Says:

    i am a 23 years old guy and a virgin. i cant even tell my frds am a virgin but i stil thinks girls out there are all not a virgin but i wish to date and marry a virgin. i have been dating dis girl for 2yrs but we talk abt sex but never had it but i think she is not a virgin. but it hard for me to ask her for sex. so i am comfused

  29. confusedcat Says:

    Im a 20 year old virgin. when I was little I loved the idea of abstinence till marriage. now I don’t know. Ive only ever dated 4 guys the current being my fourth. when we started going out he said he was happy to wait till i feel comfortable and even asked how long was an appropriate amount of time before proposing to someone. we have been dating 3 months now and started sleeping (no sex) together. I really love this guy and whilst neither of us are ready just yet. I don’t know if I would want to wait till marriage before we did. I don’t want to marry anyone. I’m also scared that if I was to actually say that to him I might scare him off. heck i’ve scared myself. I love him which of all the guys I’ve dated is a first. he makes me laugh, i feel safe when he’s around and he takes care of me when i’m ill. I just don’t know If it’s right to make him wait or even if i could wait for something that will be years before it happens. I don’t want to get married to someone Ive only known 3 months no matter how they make me feel.
    so if that made sense I’m confused and would appreciate any advice

  30. Roxanne Says:

    Alexanders problem is he’s a self proclaimed nice guy. Meaning he does all these nice things and then gets pissy he gets nothing back. Two things wrong with this.

    1) You shouldn’t do nice things in exchange for things you should do them because you love that person. If you give her gifts as currency for sex well not that i’m anti-escorts but that’s the more honest way of doing that particular transaction.

    2) You undermine what she does give you, you say she gives you attention or whatever, she probably gives you plenty of things but because they’re not what you want you don’t even appreicate them. People express love in different ways: gifts, gestures, acts and verbally. Maybe she shows her love with acts like washing the dishes for you and you show it with gifts so are failing to recognise what she gives cos it doesnt match your way. If she started buying you gifts i highly doubt you’d stop whining about no sex anyways, you dont want to recieve more you just want to recieve a soecific from her.

    Expecting things in return for your gifts or for doing nice things is creepy and disgusting ig you had a friend who let you cry on their shoulder when your mum died in the hopes you’d get help move their furniture round that’d be fucking creepy.

    I’m not A virgin far from it but i respect the fact that to some people it holds a lot of value and you ought to respect that too. Even now i am not a virgin i have sex when i feel comfortable and geuinely enjoy it not as a gift to a man. In fact the best sex is where you enjoy it and arent doing it to shut him up. As that’s disrespectful to you both. Pressuring her will make her want it less and start to have issues surounding sex and make her more uptight and scared over it anyways. Please do her a favor and leave her and be single until you’re ready for a woman.

  31. duafwol Says:

    Hi The 26-Year-Old Virgin

    I think it’s alright to stay virgin until u are ready to give it up and l am not just saying that because l am the same. I’m 25 and l still have mine but the difference is that l’m a guy.
    From Duafwol

  32. Blessing Says:

    I am a 21yr virgin, i hav a boyfriend and sex hav never been our problem 4 2 years now.in my early days i made a promise 2 myself 2 hav sex after marriage,but i dont think i want my boyfriend 4 marriage, i want 2 quit but i think am going 2 hut him badly.

  33. Eric Says:

    Madamoiselle is a damned visionary. All you ‘perfect’ ladies (and even ‘perfect’ men) could learn something about from what she’s saying. I have family members who have gone through DIVORCE because of sexual incompatibility. Even with a child in the frame, somehow this “unimportant” factor (sex) still finds it’s way to rip people/families apart. Hop off your high horse and think about the REALITY of it.

  34. sid Says:

    it is really true that making love is decision of two loving souls.
    and simply telling that losing virginity is one’s choice.

  35. HotHoneyGirl Says:

    Hello,

    I am an adult virgin and I am older than most of these people, at 31. The reason? Well there are several and none are religious. I don’t consider myself to be ‘selfish’ or ‘prudish’ but I’m certainly not a wh*re either. There seems to be a big misconception about adult virgins both male and female, and maybe people should educate themselves or try to understand other people’s plights a little more. But bashing someone for not having sex with someone else, isn’t going to that person any closer to it.I think if someone DOESN’T want to have sex with someone — then they shouldn’t. Period. Bodies don’t belong to other people, no one has a ‘claim’ on it. Buying someone dinner, spending money on them etc. is irrelevant. If you don’t want to do these things for a person than don’t do them if they aren’t coming from the heart. For example, you don’t give a Christmas gift only because you want to receive one back. That logic is very messed up. Staying with someone and ending up resenting them because they are not doing the things that you want, is ridiculous, just find someone who will do what you want then. Some of the rude comments on here make me glad I have not had sex with any guys. A lot of them don’t seem to get it; I don’t feel “entitled” to anyone else’s body or sexuality and neither should they.

  36. Ashley13 Says:

    i am 18 years old and my bf is 24 we have been dating for a year now. wen we started going out i told him i was a virgen and that i wanted to wait till marrige he said he was fine with that!! now he has been pressuring me into having sex he syas he cant wait any longer the he NEEDS to have sex. i dont know what to do. i don’t want to break up with him over this but its really hard wen we fight constantly about me not wantin to hav ex and hi saying he cnt wait any longer. i dont know what to do i cant just throw away one year of my life with him in the garbage i really do love him butt dont know what to do i really want to wait till marrige!!! any suggestions?!?!!?!

  37. unknown Says:

    i lost my virginity when i was 19 which was last year i was one of those who wanted to wait for marriage didnt work out that way i loved the guy but he used me its something i cant take back and not a day goes by that i dont wish i could take it back and not give in.my advise make them wait if they love you they will wait and why does it have to be about sex if you guys cant wait masturbate dont cheat or just simply have clean thoughts

  38. unknown Says:

    and ashley its all b.s he dosnt need it he can please him self dont do anything your not ready for if he loves you he will wait and if he breaks up with you because of it his loss then he didnt care for the real you its better to let him go then to have sex if your not ready its not just physical it can mess you up emotional if it dosnt work out and you werent ready but did it to make him happy take it from me i been in your shoes didnt work out and leaves you emotionally messed up

  39. unknown Says:

    I know you u may not be reading this anymore but I’m a virgin too. But I’m 34 yrs old. I to have a hard time with men. My Situation is very Complicated. I wanted to wait as a kid cause alot of my friends were getting having babies very young and I didn’t want to be a sterotype. So I kept my head in books and block out boys. I said when I move away from home I will try to find out what type of woman I am. It didnt work out quiet like that. When I was in school I met a girl we became like sister, long story short she had a baby she wasn’t mentally of Physically ready to be a mum so I became a single mum at 25. This is the Complicated

  40. unknown Says:

    Part. Most men see a women with a child and make judgements before they get to know how I am. They think I have baby daddy, or I sleep around. I should know how to have sex I mean I do have a child. So its hard for me to get past Stereotypes. I sometimes think my daughter will lose her virginty before me. What sucks the most is I’m a Twin she lost her V-card at 25 to her first boyfriend. We are book ends in looks,its hard when I have to explain that your not the same to men. I don’t want to label all men but sometimes if they take the time to read the book and not assume its the same as all the others you would be quite Surprised at what you might find that there is a beautiful,smart,kind of cute kind of funny virgin that like watching old “Conan and Red Sonja “movies. I promise I’m not a prude at ALL, I just want someone to want me not just my ass.

  41. anonymous Says:

    Hi I am female and I am choosing to keep my virginity. I know that this forum has been up for a while and I don’t consider my entry as an answer to the question that started this forum, but a lot of people seem to have a lot of opinions and biases with regard to virgins and I don’t honestly know who’s right or who’s wrong, but I will tell you why I’ve made this choice for myself. You can judge me for it or decide if it might give you some insight into at least one reason why someone would make this choice since at least from my perspective, it’s really not the popular choice. When I was young I would say that my decision was more heavily based on religion than it is now. Maybe it was this set of ideals I had set up in my own mind, but as I’ve gotten older the world seems a lot more different and it has no longer fit into that set of ideals. One thing that still holds true and that has always held true however is that virginity exists only once. Once it’s gone there’s no turning back. I can loose my virginity at any time and so why would I stress as much about trying to loose it when keeping it is not only more difficult, but more fragile. Fragile because it’s so easily lost. I’m already confused as it is. Why would I want to loose my virginity and find that after it’s gone I’m back where I started: confused? After that I can’t decide to turn back and decide one choice was right and the other wrong. By that point I only have one road to follow. This is the crossing of the roads and only one road offers two choices. Virginity gives me time to think and decide. It also gives me time to peal away all the layers of a guy and see what is lying deep down inside of him. Does he truly love me or is he just putting up a show to get his reward? I want to have sex and I want to give myself body and soul to the one that I love, but waiting is better for me and for him in my opinion because I will be giving them something that I want to offer just as much as they want to have and vice versa. They will be offering me something that I want to have, but don’t try and tell me a man has needs or that I’m selfish. There’s nothing selfish about believing something. I have needs too. I’m exercising the same restraint as he is, but I stay in control. Why would he be any different? Maybe the man who tries to tell me this wants to believe his own lie. He honestly wants to believe that he is in love with me. Maybe little boys and little girls both want happily ever after even if it’s make believe. The lie that a man can’t wait is for the girl is what is make-believe. If you can’t wait you don’t love her. So don’t lie to her or to yourself, because when you love someone you wont need to bother with charades. My ideas may be good in theory, but in reality what do any of us really know about life right? Each and everyone of us are only mortals trying to make our way through this confusing, but really wonderful life. Good luck to you all in all your journey’s. Hope everyone finds their pot of gold in the end. :)

  42. Teresa Says:

    I know where you’re coming from. I did want to wait for marriage but not for religious reasons. I wanted someone who loved me for me and knew we’d want to spend the rest of our lives together. IDK how long your longest relationships been but my hubbie and I dated for 3 YEARS with out him getting any. Doesn’t mean he liked it and that we didn’t have issues from time to time but if he really loves you he will wait until your ready. Weather it takes 3 months or 3 years. Don’t be pressured into something you don’t want/aren’t ready for. You can’t get it back.

  43. Nadia Says:

    Teresa, thank you for your comment, it really inspired me, I’m in a relationship where I care so much and love my boyfriend but just not ready physically. I trust that he can wait for me until I’m ready, I just hope that he doesn’t lose his patience…(after all, he is a guy.) I cannot believe your husband waited 3 years…

  44. megan Says:

    my boyfriend keeps pressurizing me have sex with him too and i have been telling him i do not want to but he gives me the ultimatum.do you think i should just go ahead and dump him?

  45. A guy Says:

    After so long you loose interest in the girl’s physical attractiveness. Its not fair for a guy, to love you and not be able to Have all of you.

  46. Mikey Says:

    reccomended waiting period? 24 – 48 hours max. Any longer and it all just ends up being a letdown. The guy then dumps you and hits on your best friend. you spiral into a descending staircase of suicidal thoughts and antisocial drug abuse. Real bummer.

  47. Xander Says:

    Your Problem is simple, you are not a child anymore, at 26 no guy on earth will expect a childish relationship, afraid to break it to you but adult’s have sex as a part of any relationship as an integral part, without sex all you have is a childish relationship and by 26, guy’s wont be expecting such immature antic’s nor will they want them, yet your expecting someone to “love” and cherish you without actually being in a relationship with them, as any real relationship includes sex, without it, it’s not real just a childish fantasy, it’s not about guy’s pressuring you for sex … pressuring you… notice the word your 26 ffs you cant be pressured you can be asked, if you dont want to fine but you dont get to whine for being asked afterward’s, frankly nor should you expect to date any guy your own age or older, no one dating you will expect what they get and adult’s use to adult relationships who first meet you and may think they can handle it, will simply learn they can’t as they’re getting nothing out of the fake relationship your pretending exists for the expedience of whatever made you scared of sex in the first place, it’s about you being way to old to expect guy’s to wait for sex, and yes 3 months was my limit… when I was much younger and dating younger girls, im within a month of 26 now it’s very different indeed, now it’s the 3rd date rule I follow, additionally I hate prudes so I’m much happier with 2nd dater’s, (1st dater’s are risky though, and may love it to much though and so unlikely to be trusted in future, but its been known to happen, i guess but 2nd is my ideal, forward and spontaneous and fun but not sluttly so).

    Sorry but it’s clear you dont get what sex represent’s nor it’s place in a relationship, dont get me wrong, trust, understanding sharing are all equal part’s in relationship, but sex is the glue that hold’s thing’s together, all people feel lust, sharing lust can be wonderful, or boring, or bad, or great, or fun, or sad, or anything depending on the people time and what they do, things like make-up sex and morning sex and making love and well word starts with f and has more letters ing, all make up the experience of a relationship they can express emotions from interest to lust to love to many other’s, they’re how you get to know the other person how you build a history with them, your expecting guy’s to be interested in you but provide them with no outlet for lust, or love, and expect what them to be happy kissing… jeez I got bored of that when I was 13, dont get me wrong kissing is essential to in a different way and I like kissing, but it’s like sex merely another part of a whole, without every part it’s merely an illusion.

    A real relationship is about sharing your journey through life, your high’s your low’s you love’s your hate’s your passions and your lust, your trying to find a real relationship without offering a large part of yourself in the process, and then blaming the other party for your faults.

    No adult your age would accept such a situation, it’s not about being a “good” guy not anymore for you that stopped long by 21, though more like 18, it’s about not wanting a childish relationship, your only chance is to find a teenager to date, someone 16 year old guy might put up with such a situation if your lucky, as they don’t know any better, if not suck it up and get with someone for once, I waited for sex with my perfect person the 1st time, and I ended up with my ex-fioncaee (alas in the end didnt work out but we were in love and though it would), what a big ole let down, sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and practice makes perfect before it is, so your first time even if you found your perfect sap willing to put up with what little you offer in return from some theoretical chance at actually getting a real relationship later is going to be a major disappointment for both parties.

    Personally I hate prudes, for a variety of reasons not important to you but ultimately your not a poor young innocent virgin being pressured for sex anymore your pretty much a prude expecting a real relationship but not willing to commit any of yourself to it, and wondering why their doomed to fail, without offering yourself all of yourself to a relationship and yes risking yourself getting hurt your not even willing to take the same risk as the other party, that means ultimately no mature guy or nice guy or good guy or anyone after a companion to share
    life with would be interested and anyone who had pretended to in the past was merely stringing you along and after you for sex as a virgin, whilst dating other’s on the side. But these people decided you weren’t worth the effort after 3 months of waiting.

    Sex is also in the beginning the offering a little bit of ourselves, a bit of our soul if you will in the hope we get something out the relationship yes it hurts when they fail but if your not willing to give it a real shot in the first place and risk your heart broken then dont be in a relationship, your not fit to, people like you expect others to offer everything of themselves and you offer nothing that can be hurt of yourself and wondery why no one but you find it a fair trade, that’s why I wouldn’t touch ye with a barge pole, no matter what you looked like, and despite my outspoken belief’s, i’m probably one of the best guy’s in a relationship you’ll ever speak to, because I get most of my fun from making the other person happy, and concentrating on the little thing’s, but people like you are definitely labelled enemy contact on my radar.

  48. nastassia Says:

    Gee Xander hostile much?

    The right guy will wait! My guy waited for me, and a real man who is truly into you and realizes you are not playing games will be flattered that he was your first.

    A person who stands her ground and believes in herself is to be admired-it is such a rare thing these days.

  49. gtfdes Says:

    A man only needs to ONE simple thing to have sex with you. You said it yourself.

    “I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him.”

    So far, no man has been able to do that one simple act.

    And, why is that? Two reasons. One, they are stupid fools, with few or no seduction skills. Most men expect women to “give it up”, instead of looking at why women have sex in the first place and then trying to provide for their emotional needs.

    And, second, most men are self-centered and focus primarily on their own desires.

    It’s easy as pie to have sex with a virgin, because she lacks many of the things that more experienced women have learned.

    A virgin wants to feel a sense of trust and she needs an emotional connection to be comfortable. That means dropping all the pressure to have sex, and simply focusing on her emotional needs, instead.

    Any man who takes the time to create a genuine friendship with a virgin has done most of the work. All he really needs to do is spend some time with non-threatening foreplay, and wait until she feels safe and ready.

    But, you can’t fake this. You need to make the virgin feel loved and cared for. Otherwise, she won’t be able to relax and desire sex.

    It’s so simple to do this, yet it’s almost impossible for most men, because they are only concerned about their own needs, and nothing more.

    You should wait until you feel right, and until you are confident that you have a loving, caring partner. That might take you six months, or just 10 days. It all depends on the man, and how you feel about him.

    BTW, you are much wiser than most women, who grabbed whatever seemed good at the time. Chances are, your sex life will be rewarding, both physically as well as emotionally.

  50. gtfdes Says:

    A virgin is scared a little, the first time. I will typically do oral sex with her, without intercourse. She can play with me too, using her hands, or provide oral sex, if she wishes.

    This gets her used to receiving a climax without having intercourse. I also do clitoral stimulation with a vibrator for her. Perhaps some gentle vaginal dilation with the vibrator too. It’s easy to control the vibrator and not hurt her that way.

    One day, after months of non-intercourse sex, she simply gets all aroused and jumps on top and before she knows it, she’s no longer a virgin anymore.

    But, she can take as long as she wants to get to that point. I’ll be gentle and considerate and let her grow comfortable with being with me.


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