Dear Em & Lo,
I am 25 years old and I recently found out that my boyfriend of one year is cheating on me. I confronted him about it and he is adamant that there is nothing going on. Recently I got back in touch with an old boyfriend. I’ve known him since I was 13. He recently ended a relationship and is still a little bitter about it, but we have been getting close, even though we have not outrightly discussed geting back together. I’m wondering if I should go ahead and get involved with my ex for several reasons.
1) I haven’t yet kicked my current to the curb, though I am going to.
2) His break up was MESSY and the relationship produced two children. I have no children of my own, not that the children would be a problem for me.
3) He doen’t live nearby — starting in May, he will be in another country, which would mean a long-distance relationship. This bears no problems for me — I have impeccable self control — but we have not spoken about it.
– Drawn to an Old Flame
Okay, we would like to give you several reasons — nay, MANY reasons — why there is NO WAY IN HELL you should get together with your old boyfriend.
1) You still have a boyfriend, and until you break up with him, it is called cheating, which makes you no better than your current BF. We don’t care about technicalities such as “I plan to dump him” — until you are single, you are not free to date anyone else.
2) Two rights don’t make a wrong. Cheating on someone who cheated on you doesn’t restore karma to this world, it just makes you as big of a scumbag as he is.
3) Someone who just went through a messy breakup involving children and is still bitter about it would make a terrible boyfriend.
4) Just because you’ve known him since you were 13 and he recently came back into your life, doesn’t mean it’s fate.
5) He is about to leave the country. Again, this qualifies him to be a terrible boyfriend. It would be one thing if you’d been in love for years — then maybe your love and lust could survive over the airwaves for a while. But a new relationship? Don’t even think about it.
6) You haven’t even discussed it with this man! We’re going to go out on a limb here and guess that he’s not interested, for all of the above reasons and more. Sure, he may want to sleep with you to help ease his bitterness, but like we said, you are not currently available for this type of thing.
By the way, if you’re so convinced that your boyfriend cheated, why are you taking time to write to us instead of dumping his ass? Could it be that there’s some doubt in your mind about whether or not he cheated? In which case, make that reason #7.
Our advice? Prove how much impeccable self-control you really have and do not get involved with your ex. And for the record, even if you dump your boyfriend tonight, we still think that reasons #3 through #6 stand alone. Hell, even if this ex drops down on one knee and says he never stopped loving you, we still think that reasons #3 through #5 are enough to stay away. In fact, any one of these reasons alone is enough. Do we make ourselves clear?
Good. We don’t mean to be mean, we just know that sometimes, in this kind of situation, a person will hunt through an advice column looking for a tiny scrap of a sentence that tells them the answer they really hope to hear. So we wanted to make sure that all our bases were covered. Now get out there and find a boyfriend who’s actually worthy of you!
Em & Lo