Other peopleâ€™s dreams are never interestingâ€¦except when theyâ€™re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. This week, a reader asks Lauri:
Some background: My long-term boyfriend cheated on me and I broke up with him. It was the most upsetting thing that ever happened to me and I’m still not fully over it, but it was over a year ago and I’ve tried really hard to move on.
However, I’ve recently been having really vivid dreams about him. In them I’m in bed and lying in the same position I’m in; he comes into my room, seeming agitated, and after hesitating for a long time, lies down behind me and just holds my hand.
In the dream I am only pretending to be asleep while he does this; I feel annoyed and affronted that he has had the nerve to get in my bed and plan what I will shout at him when I ”wake up” — but I stay where I am and feel like I don’t want to move. It’s so real that I sometimes think he’s actually there. What’s my subconscious trying to tell me after all this time?
Lauri: Your dream is showing you that, in fact, you havenâ€™t moved on at all. Notice how in the dream you donâ€™t move, you stay in the same position. Your dream has given form to where you are emotionally: There has been â€śno movementâ€ť towards healing or closure, and your â€śpositionâ€ť on the matter has not changed. You are probably stuck in the mindset of a victim and canâ€™t see past the loss you are feeling; you did say, â€śI stay where I am and feel like I don’t want to move.â€ť
Your dream is showing you that the choice is yours as to whether you remain where you are in misery or actually make an honest effort to move forward toward healing. In the dream your ex is always behind you; this is your dreaming mind trying to tell you that he is behind you in your past and you need to start looking forward. The pretending you are doing in the dream is the pretending you are doing in real life.Â You do need to â€śwake upâ€ť and realize what you are doing to yourself.
Everything that you are saying to him in your head in the dream, I want you to write that all out tonight at bedtime right before you turn out your light. You have internalized your pain for far too long and now is the time to get it out of your psyche and onto paper. Take up as many pages in your journal as you need to. Get it all out, curse-swear-scream it all out as you write, get all that pain out.
Once you have exhausted yourself, go ahead and rip those pages out of your journal and toss them in the trash. This is symbolic of ridding yourself of the useless pain and frustration you have been holding onto all this time; it is worthless to you, it is trash.Â Then turn out your light, go to sleep, and see what kind of dream you get tonight. Iâ€™ll bet youâ€™ll have a dream showing your progress! Iâ€™ll also bet youâ€™ll wake up feeling a lot better and ready to take on the future. Remember, it is impossible to move forward when you are holding on to what is behind you.