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Frisky Fiascos: Have They Ever Happened to You?

Tue, Apr 6, 2010

Confessions, Poll

photo by BLW Photography

For an article in a national women’s magazine, we’re looking for people who’ve experienced any of the following bedroom bloopers. Bonus points if you’ve got a particularly funny or mortifying story related to the scenarios below. If you fit the bill and are willing to share the dirty deets (anonymity honored if need be), please get in touch in the comments below with an accurate email address (only we, Em & Lo, will see the email address) or via this contact form with the awkward moment(s) below that apply to you. (And though the scenarios are written from the female perspective, we’d still love to here from the fellas, too!)

  • Ten minutes ago, when you hopped into bed with him, you didn‚Äôt have your period. Now, suddenly, you do.
  • Ten seconds ago you really wanted to have sex with this guy–but whew! Up close he’s stinky!
  • You’re being undressed by your dream guy when he gets down on one knee and professes… his foot fetish?
  • Before your date you put Chicken Cutlets in your bra for a little extra oomph. Or maybe you wore Spanx to de-oomphasize your oomph. Now the guy is about to unhook your bra or take off your pants, and you’ve just remembered what’s in there.
  • You have a gagging problem.
  • Your boyfriend’s head is retreating under the covers when you remember you forgot to shower after your spinning class–and that’s the last thing you want to tell him right now!
  • You knew letting him snap naked pics of you on his phone was a bad idea–and now 5,000 people seem to know it too.
  • You’re having sex with a guy for the first time and he comes after .5 seconds, then jumps up and puts on his sweatpants. You’re SUPER frustrated, but not really comfortable telling him so.
  • The condom breaks.
  • You‚Äôre on the phone with your mom when your guy decides to be very VERY distracting.
  • You’re in the middle of a very romantic moment and you make the most embarrassing, South Park-esque noise down there.
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13 Responses to “Frisky Fiascos: Have They Ever Happened to You?”

  1. Jay Jay Says:

    I can definitely relate to doing a new dude and having him blow immediately (if not sooner). I once had a extremely casual and extremely sex only relationship with a co-worker who would come before I had even had a chance to impale myself entirely on him. THANK GOD he choose to leave/I threw him out instantly after this because I simply could not shake the shock of this happening. I understand getting excited and not being able to last very long at all, but this was a new level of quick! Before I get berated for my insensitivity, please understand that this was only a booty callin’ type of relationship in that sex was the ONLY requirement and also, this did not happen just once, but EVERYTIME we consumated our mutual attraction – which, as it turns out, was less than a handful of times (come on, like any of you could have stuck it out longer! Pun intended!)…I was more than willing to chalk it up to sexual incompatibility until he constantly liked to remind how phenomonal our sex is and how he is a direct gift from the gods and apparently was named Dionysis in a former life time! Apparently I am blind to good (or hell, even mediocre) sex if I can’t acknowledge and appreciate the virtue of a 2 second mess…err…I mean sex of course.

  2. Jessi Says:

    I have a pretty weak gag reflex, so I’ve never had trouble going down on my boyfriend. However, one night, we had just come home from a really nice dinner and were feeling a little frisky. I took off his pants and began “doing my thing” with gusto! I was getting really into it and didn’t pay attention when I went down a little too far… I threw up all over him! Thank goodness I was able to keep my mouth closed, but I had vomit AND his man bits in my mouth at the same time. I could have just died. He gave me the weirdest look ever, but (being the sent-straight-from-heaven man that he is) he didn’t actually say anything at the time. That is the most embarrassing moment in my life. Ever.

  3. gabbie Says:

    me and my boyfriend were walking in the park on a date and we were frisky….bad idea i know, but it was one of those times when you don’t care….and we were on the swing doing our thing and a family comes over for a picnic…and they have no idea whats going on cuz he still had his pants on…i couldnt get up because then they would see everyting….but i had to think what family goes for a picnic at night! needless to say it was a long night -_-

  4. Carmen Says:

    I had given blood earlier that day, and my venipuncture opened up whilst I was atop my girlfriend, spraying blood all over her. She freaked out, but mostly because she was afraid I’d injured myself seriously. Lesson learned.

    Oh, and for the record, going downtown when the woman hasn’t showered, or when she’s on the rag, doesn’t disturb me in the slightest. I’ve had girlfriends who were uncomfortable with the idea, until I went there and showed them how enjoyable it is. After that, they left it up to me.

  5. sassy223 Says:

    I had been dating this guy for a little while when we decided to go on a camping trip. He was absolutely the best giver, orally, that I have ever encountered. Luckily, he loved to it too! So, the second night, he was doing what I loved best, for what seemed like hours, followed by a very long roll in the hay (almost literally). After, he decided to walk to the showers and get cleaned up. When he came back,..he was like ” hey um,…I think you must have gotten your period” He said when he walked in the bath house there was another guy in there who freaked thinking that he had been hurt because he was covered in blood. The guy was completely cool about it, but it was undoubtedly the most mortifying night of my life.

  6. Leila Says:

    Thankfully I had been dating this boyfriend for about 7 months, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but stilll… This was around the fourth month of having sex, and I’d spent the night in his place after a date night. We had sex that night, and all was fine. We woke up, and decided to do the whole morning sex thing (so. satisfying.) but after he pulled out, he quickly goes “Is this period blood?” Well, it came out more like “Isthisperiodblood??”
    I always knew he was kind of squeamish (not necessarily sexual things–he once lost his appetite when I wanted to watch “Tree Man” on Discovery before dinner), so I freaked out FOR him. Indeed, it was my lovely time of the month… all over his white sheets. And his penis. He got me some toilet paper, ran to the bathroom to clean himself up, and I hurriedly put in a tampon, put on my underwear and started taking off his sheets. Thank GOODness, it had not leaked to anything else, but I had never been so mortified in my life. Truth be told, the mortification factor came not from getting my period (woohoo! no babies!), but rather that it was all over HIS stuff, not mine.

    On that note, let me just put in a plug for Oxy-Clean–no stains!

  7. jolly padrida Says:

    An overwhelming waft of billygoat scent arose one night when I went to give my lover a blow job. I decided to be a good sport and overlook the pungency. Later the same evening, when he was laying on his belly I playfully pretend-pegged him, sans strap-on–like a doggie-style dry hump, I guess. Yet not so dry as I would have preferred; my thigh had some sh*t-streaking on it after that.

    This man had expressed disgust on a previous occasion that I keep a washcloth in the shower especially for cleaning my bum. I couldn’t resist pointing out that he might benefit from adopting the practice, too.

  8. Lauren Says:

    I discovered relatively quickly that I have a pretty intense gag reflex during the first blowjob I ever gave. I felt absolutely humiliated, here I am, first time ever, and I can’t even get the damn thing halfway in! Further adding to my mortification was Prince Charming’s reaction – the ONLY time he even cracked a smile during the whole ordeal was when I was gagging horribly, and he kept trying to force it down my throat. Needless to say, there was no second coming. . . and I was sufficiently put off blowjobs until my creep-o-meter had matured a little more.

  9. Jenna Says:

    This story is a double whammy of embarrassments and I swear it’s nothing but the truth,Looking back, I now know how awesome my mom was to not put me six feet under.

    When I was 17, my boyfriend (now ex, I was 17!!) were taking advantage of having the house to ourselves. We were using protection, and the condom broke – we didn’t find out until AFTER he pulled out. Where I live you can’t get the emergency pill if you’re under 18, you must have parental consent. After weighing my options, I decided that calling my mom immediately was in my better interests. I’d rather deal with her wrath than deal with a baby. The conversation went like this:

    me: um…mom? I need to tell you something and uh…uh..you can’t be um…
    mom: spit it out
    me: um..well…we were using protection!!! we were being smart and like using condoms but..uh…IT BROKE!!!!!!!!!1 I NEED THE EMERGENCY PILL!!!!

    I have never heard my mom laugh harder than that moment. Or longer. She laughed until she cried.

    Later that night, my mom came home, (boyfriend had high tailed it by then) and as she was walking down the hall, she screamed at me to come pick up “my mess”. Being confused, I walked out to see what she was talking about.

    It turns out that my boyfriend had thrown the used(!!!) condom in the trash where my DOG found it, had EATEN it, and VOMITED it up at my mom’s feet.

    2 weeks later after, (my mom had gotten me the emergency pill) I was placed on birth control.

  10. emandlo Says:

    Jenna, your mom sounds awesome, we want to be her friend!

  11. BCofUIMhere Says:

    I was 16, and still a virgin. Where I grew up, this was practically a condolence card situation. :( Moreover, my boyfriend’s family had moved 100 miles away and I was heartbroken.

    Boyfriend saved up all the money he made that summer and came to visit for the holidays. From the moment I found out he was coming, my BFF and I planned for how I was going to lose my virginity. Looking back, those “plans” were way more intricate than intimate.

    But boyfriend did come and stayed with his cousin. His family was really strict, very religious, so when he came to visit me, cousin came along as chaperone! I played hostess as best as I could, until I got a moment alone to call my BFF. She came over with her boyfriend and they distracted the cousin while I sneaked boyfriend up to my bedroom.

    We’d just gotten to the point of 2nd base (remember, we’re 16), when I heard a noise. I stopped and listened, but everything was quiet. We went back to what we were doing and I heard the noise again. I motioned for my boyfriend to keep quiet, tiptoed to the door and flung it open. In fell BFF, her boyfriend and cousin. :-P

  12. Jenna Says:

    Thank you. Coming from a bible belt state, the only sex talk I’d had was from an “abstinence only” talk in school. I was 100% positive that I was going to be murdered that day. Or sent to boot camp. Possibly a nunnery. Her reaction was completely unexpected.

    Also having to pick up a used condom that’s covered in dog vomit is a great way to deter teenagers from ever wanting to have sex EVER again.

  13. KatieD Says:

    The second time I ever had sex was with a man who underestimated his size. I was also unfamiliar with my body and didn’t realize there is a period of time after my monthly cycle when I will not be able to get wet. The friction and overabundance was painful for me and the condom. It broke, leaving the tip stuck inside of me. That horrible hookup lead to more pain as I later learned my fears were not unfounded. I became pregnant at 16, just months after beginning my first semester at a prestigious college. I did not know how to remove the tip (it later worked its way out), which caused an infection, and lead to a miscarriage. I missed a week of classes because of the physical and emotional pain.


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