Thu, Apr 29, 2010
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I am sorry but she told him she could not have kids. If I were to leave my husband I would lose the farm and home I have work for 24 years even though where I live is a no fault state
My husband has been unable to have sex for several years – so if I want sex I cheat. yes – I have done it .
Even is most states with No Fault divorce, you can still get a regular divorce (one where there is “fault” but if the adultery could be at all proven, it would not be his “fault” I am sorry to say. (If there is any proof.)
If you worked for the farm, you should get some of it. Cheating or no cheating.
People can usually get at least some of what they ask for in a divorce. But some have reasons to prolong the agony.
I guess I am saying, if he’s (the guy you are screwing) good enough to risk your husband leaving you, and with the adultery on your part, if it could be proven, perhaps getting EVERYTHING if HE chooses a “fault” divorce, which is still legal and takes the first step then he (the Other Man) is good enough to LEAVE you husband for, and start the process BEFORE the husband does so.
I’d rather be happy and poor than land rich and miserable. How long can your situation go on? Judges don’t care what who “told” whom. They go with what they see as the facts. No amount of “he’s a lying scum bag” or “she’s a nasty woman” is going to have much impact on the divorce settlement, judges are immune to whining. They take what is happening at face value.
I’d leave. I can’t live in misery. My Man and I have property and “an estate” together that I wouldn’t want to lose, but nothing would force me to live in a loveless, sexless marriage. No amount of property or money is worth that living hell.
You have to make your own choice, and you DO have a choice. Everyone does.
Mml. L, I hate to say it (cause it sucks for the rest of us), but I think you and your husband belong to a lucky and miniscule minority of people who are still hot for each other after 20 years. I do not think this is the norm. Not by a long shot. I think that many people who were sexually compatible in the beginning drift apart sexually because of boredom, dramatic weight gain, emotional baggage, familiarity, etc.
I had a kinky, hot and willing ex who I used to screw 3 times a day for the first two years. After that, I lost interest. Sex with her became a tiresome chore, and we broke up not long after. If I had married her in those first two years, we’d be one of those sexually frustrated couples.
My greatest fear at this point in life is that a limited sexual attention span will sabotage my plans to have a family some day. And let’s face it – there just aren’t enough swinger chicks to go around.
I cheated at the end of my marriage. I felt certain from a young age I would never do this but I found out I am as human as the rest, as susceptible to temptation and not a martyr.
My husband and I had a very spicy, whirlwind romance but soon after we married we just did not connect. He worked a lot and had bad habits that I later found out came from his youth. He pretty much saw nothing but men putting down their wives.
We were good partners in many ways, but without the emotional energy from him in our marriage, we had sex maybe once or twice a year. I got used to it and my sex drive completely shut down and I focused on other things, which he encouraged.
12 years into our marriage I ended up meeting someone. He had a lot of issues himself and I later found out he was a serial cheater and a sex addict. But he was attractive and he pursued me like crazy and it woke up this sleeping beast in me. My better judgment was completely overwhelmed by the attention I was getting. It was like a drug.
I did not end my marriage because of this. In fact, it caused me to recognize how wrong it was for me to be okay with how our marriage was. It also caused me to focus on my marriage and try to get the sparks back. We really tried, but it was beyond repair and we did divorce.
The lesson I learned from this is to never accept an emotionally or sexually dead relationship as okay. And, as I can, I try to share that lesson with others so that hopefully they won’t make the same mistake I did. For the record, I think adultery is wrong and I know what I did was wrong and all you can do is move forward and take away a lesson from your mistakes. I am just comforted by the fact that my husband did not find out and have to suffer the pain of realizing what had happened.
@Johnny, was it the sex that became boring, or your feelings toward her that changed? Because they may be two separate issues. I think sometimes in relationships where the sex is great, other problems/incompatibilities are swept under the rug, to some extent, and you ignore potential problems that might have been more apparent if you were out of bed more! (And by “you,” I mean anyone…) It’s definitely challenging at times being with the same person for ever (married 23 years here), because you know when there’s an issue or problem, you have to deal with it, you can’t just move on (well, I guess you can, but that’s not the idea.) Also,in mentioning starting a family, for a lot of people, sex drops off exponentially after kids, so your fears are completely justified. You know, it may not be out of the question that you might meet someone who, while maybe not a “swinger,” would consider being non-monogamous from time to time… I think you’re just being honest about what a lot of people gloss over and romanticize: Namely, that it is a lot of work to stay married AND turned on!
It was a few things. Yes, my feelings for her began to chage, but for me that just creates a chicken-egg dilemma. Did my feelings change because my sexual interest waned, or vice versa?
Also, that “dramatic weight gain” thing I mentioned before kinda happened. That didn’t help. In fact it was a major blow.
The pervasive paranoia among bachelors is that once you marry a woman she’ll just quit having sex with you. And that certainly does happen. But I’m starting to realize that the Al Bundy problem of male sexual disinterest is equally pervasive. Never thought that would be me.
hello freedom, you are so right I’ve been their and done that, and now he want’s it back LOL with HA HA HA. what goes around comes around,in a ten fold, what did they think that this is ok? you know that the cheater knew he would loose everything. but didn’t care while he was cheating,and good point you didn’t do this and it’s not your fault!!!!! he wants to come back
so how bad was the marriage in the first place? did he want the divorce or did you file? It sounds like my storie he cheated and I filed and he fighting me not to get the divorce he wants marriage counseling. should of tryed that befor the cheating I told him you need the counseling, I’m good like you worked hard on the marriage raised 2 kids and after 22-23yrs of marriage you cheat.ok kids are over 21!!! YAHOO!!!! getting divorced still look good time to party, freedom you are doing the right thing by taking care of your daughter teaching her that you are a strong women, that cheating is wrong and it hurts the family,you will find a great guy one that will help you teach her what a good marriage is and what to expect from a good guy, good luck god bless you
Johnny, I think it was a good thing you and this woman found out it wouldn’t work out before you got married. Again, the “Test Drive” thing comes into play.
Like SS said, yes, when you have small children, sex is not the first priority, at least for most mothers. But, the way My Man and I looked at it (after I explained it to him LOL!) was, “The babies NEED Mama, Mama only has so much energy. Papa may *want* Mama, too, but he’s an adult and can wait until Mama regains some of her autonomy and her energy. Baby, Mama and Papa will all be better off if we act like adults. (except Baby, who is not an adult, is all ID and only is able to act like a baby.)” OK. That worked for us. I’m not going to say My Man was thrilled at the time, when our sex life dropped off to 2 or 3 times a week when the kids were really small, but it got back on track when the kids got older…..then we had an other one…..then when she got older, it got better again.
I think he finally realized “The energy, power and dedication she is putting into these children will come back my way 10 fold when the kids are older. I know now she is capable of such deep dedication and hard work to an other person. And because I didn’t bitch and moan, (too much) and have learned to appreciate the work she did to make our children happy babies who then could grow into independent kids. The love and tenderness she gave to them is something I can see, and I know I get that same stuff, but only different and in a lot of ways, better.”
The way I see it, you can raise your kids when they are YOUNG, do it right, do it ONCE, and then they take over for themselves. OR one can be selfish and NOT raise the kids properly when they are young, let strangers do it, take short cuts, put yourself first etc and then one can spend the REST of one’s life taking care of adults who never learned to Trust, Love and Appreciate others. A mother can do the work when the kids are young (and Papa can help, and not moan about his lack of thrice daily sex) OR they can all pay for her lack of hard work for the rest of their lives, as her children will do as well. The sex will get better and more frequent, as long as the man understands WHY Baby needs her more at the time. (Of course, Mama needs to realize that she will need to step up to the place again in full form when the baby is a little older. There’s no resting on your laurels when you are a mother and wife. It’s hard work EVERY DAY.)
Our situation has little to do with luck. We worked REALLY HARD to keep this going. We know we love each other more than anything. We both take care of ourselves and each other. I go out of my way to try to still look good, he tries to take care of himself. It’s WORK, but not a chore. There’s a difference, WORK is something you don’t mind doing, because you know the outcome will be good. A chore are……obligation and eventually resentment. We try to keep “chores” out of the bedroom.
I don’t know how unique we are, but I know we WORK very hard to keep our relationship fresh and alive. I don’t nag, and I rarely say “no” to sex, and often innate it, and he remembers I need things like compliments and flowers and candy….and cuddling afterward.
Little things like this sound silly, but they show you are THINKING about the person you are living with, sleeping with, raising kids with, cleaning up with, grocery shopping with, fighting with, fucking, loving, screaming at, and working beside to make your lives not just livable, but enjoyable, sensual and as happy as is humanly possible as often as humanly possible.
That’s all I know about that.
I mean “initiate it” not “innate it”
Damn Spell Check.
it is important for married couples to be aware of thier sexual appetite towards each other. if the attraction and desire starts to deminish, be creative and innovative in ways of doing it. You might be surprised to find exciting moves that will excite your partner and yourself.
@Madamoiselle L…..remember, most couples start off at 2-3 x a week, pre-kids, and drop off from there! I knew someone who, in all seriousness (and bitchiness) told her husband the rule was “no sex for 6 months after the baby,” and she went on to say that after that period they had sex “once a month whether he needed it or not, ha ha.” So you wonder why men get all freaked out about the post-baby sex drought…I think you guys only experienced a day or two without rain, so to speak!
@Johnny You seem like an enlightened guy, so I’ll remind you that if your body ever seems out of whack, nutrition should be the first thing you check. A lot of guys get adrenal fatigue (low adrenaline caused by stress, lack of sleep, too much caffeine), so make sure a naturopath or holistic nutritionist is on your health care list. Too much stress and caffeine could definitely lead to occasional bouts of Al Bundy syndrome!
Also, yeah, it might sound bad, but if your GF or BF changes drastically in appearance, it would be a turn-off for most people. They say men are the visual creatures and that women don’t care as much in that department….yeah, right, that’s why all the romance novels have Jon Lovitz on the cover… Personally, if my husband is in Al Bundy mode, it’s because he’s totally bothered/wrapped up with something at work, and thinking that I’m being “mean” to him (during these times, I don’t think that my behaviour changes, but that when he’s stressed he tends to feel everyone is ganging up on him). So, maybe the answer is more self-preservation/care: Don’t burn the candle at both ends (pedicures help too…maybe not so much for you, though… )
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