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Your Call – I Sent Flirty Texts to Other Women and GF Left Me

Wed, Apr 28, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by pamhule

Dear Em & Lo

My girlfriend of nine years just took off with our three kids to her mom’s. She caught me texting another girl — this is the fourth time. All the girls were friends from out of state. As we text more, we got a lil flirty and that’s when my ex would step in. I never intended on physically cheating. I just would talk to other girls for advice on my relationship ,but it went further. I realize I made many mistakes but she is the love of my life and the mother of my children. What do I do? She is so mad at me.

– Two-Timing Texter

What should Texter do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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50 Responses to “Your Call – I Sent Flirty Texts to Other Women and GF Left Me”

  1. Starlet Says:

    Ehmm…repent? I’m sorry, but if you committed the same mistake 4 times…maybe losing her is what it takes for you to wake up and smell the coffee. I guess all you can do now is show her how deeply sorry you are in every possible way and hope she relents. Don’t promise her a changed man if you can’t live up to it, though.

  2. Dannie Says:

    If you’re looking to other women for relationship advice, and then taking it too far, it might be a clue that something’s wrong that goes deeper than a few flirty texts. If you have relationship questions–and here’s a big surprise–talk to your partner about it. Other women should not be a part of that equation. Period. Communicate with the “love of your life,” and don’t let yourself get distracted by outside attention. Truly, emotional infidelity can be a lot more damaging than just physical sometimes so the fact that you never planned to sleep with anyone isn’t really the issue. Obviously, emotional fidelity is a big priority to your partner, and if you can’t provide that to her, then…well, maybe you two aren’t right for each other.

  3. Heather Says:

    Yeah, if you’re serious about her being the love of her life and wanting to be with her you need to show her. Texting and talking to other girls is fine; I even think flirting on occasion is ok if you’re trying to spice things up a little but then take that sexual energy/confidence boost back to your partner. You don’t really give enough details to really know what the whole situation is, but if you’re girlfriend’s pissed I’m going to assume the texting crossed the line. Was it happening at every free chance you got? Did you hide your phone from her? Then those are signs you were doing something wrong. If you want your girlfriend back, I suggest apologizing, speaking to those women and explaining that you made a mistake and can only be friends with them, and then devote your time and energy into fixing your relationship and proving yourself rather than asking for advice from other females.

  4. Heather Says:

    That should be your girlfriend*

    And I want to clarify that the texting/talking with other girls is fine as long as it is kept within friendship lines and includes appropriate conversation. Asking for advice is also fine, as long as it’s not an all-the-time thing and you’re not spilling intimate details about your relationship or using that as an excuse to flirt with other women.

  5. Jennifer Says:

    Accept that you fucked up beyond repair, pay your child support, and get on with your life, a la Jesse James. Repeated fuckups, well…I wouldn’t advise her to take you back at all after that, and I suspect she doesn’t mean as much to you as you claim if you keep on doing this stuff. Maybe committed relationships are just not your bag.

  6. Pepper Says:

    I get the feeling that your texting wasn’t as harmless as you say, but regardless, asking other women–particularly women you don’t know well, particularly women she doesn’t know at all, particularly women you find attractive–for advice on your current relationship is IDIOTIC. If you need advice, communicating with your partner is the best way to get it. Nobody but you and your partner can offer real, personalized insight into the relationship; anything else you get is likely to be generalized and, in a word, crap. You may not have done anything physical with another woman, but you betrayed your partner emotionally and psychologically. My best advice to you is to suck it up, because you deserve it.

  7. Slartibartfast Says:

    You know the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four or more times, shame on me?” *Four* times? Really? And at no point in that series of flirtations, with your girlfriend registering her displeasure, did it occur to you that it might not kindest or smartest course of action? No “Danger, Will Robinson!” moments? In that case, it’s hard to conclude anything other than her actions are justifiable. It’s also difficult to avoid the impression that you are idiotic, insensitive or both. My condolences to your ex. Vaya con Dios, bro.

  8. Tsk Says:

    Dude, I hate to be harsh, but you screwed up bad. And I’m kind of shocked she let you screw up 4 times. I’d definitely say talk it out with her, but you need to make sure you understand you are in the wrong. I do hope you guys are able to work it somehow, but you have got to make sure you learn from past mistakes.

  9. Dave W Says:

    Sounds like compulsive behavior for him. She was right to leave him, and it’s probably irreparable, but I don’t know if it’s enough of a consequence for him to change. After all, he can find another girlfriend, act douchey to her, then find another, etc. He can grab the bull by the horns at any time to try to change his behavior. “How can I get my GF back?” is the wrong question to ask. “How can I change my behavior?” is the ticket. Maybe with cognitive-behavioral therapy(CBT)?

  10. Johnny Says:

    No partner likes when you consult an opposite-sex friend about relationship stuff, especially if that friend comes off critically of the relationship/significant other.

    That said…

    1. Why don’t you delete your texts, especially having been busted 4 times? Did you subconsciously WANT to get busted?

    2. What is she doing looking through your texts? That justifies a little counter-ire from you, in my book.

    3. She has you by the balls and she knows it. You really going to let her send you to the dog house like that? It was rude of you, but not relationship-wreckingly so. Stop taking this so seriously. It’ll blow over.

  11. Johnny Says:

    Whoa, I missed something there. She took the kids!? That is in fact serious.

    You do things that get her leave-you pissed off and get busted 4 TIMES!?!? She takes your kids away from you over some flirty-but-not-sexual texts? You sound like a very drama-prone pair. My sixth sense is telling me you’re both pieces of work.

  12. Mrs. Shive Says:

    First thought — what a doink! Second thought — where are you finding these “friends?” Third thought — why are you spending time flirting with other women when you’ve GOT a woman who might love a flirty word now and then. I feel awfully sorry for the kids.

  13. RC Says:

    I have to say she was justified in leaving if she asked you three times to stop and then you did it again! The problem is that you failed to respect her feelings, appropriate boundaries in your relationships with other women, and overall you failed to value your family over your female friends. I agree that if you want to be with her you have to show her that you will never, ever do that again. A good start would be to stop communicating with the friends that you can’t resist crossing the line with. Completely stop talking to them. No texts, emails, no communication. Show her you deleted all their contacts and told them that you could no longer be friends. Then stick to it. Listen to her, if she will talk to you. Go be an excellent father to your children. Prove that your girlfriend and your children are the most important people in your lives. And next time something makes her uncomfortable or angry don’t do it again.

  14. Spes Says:

    You’ve created an insecurity in your girlfriend concerning your emotional fidelity and specifically those other women. First step, apologize. I don’t mean an “I’m sorry.” I mean the kind of apology your parents would demand of you with all the explanations of why you’re sorry and exactly what all you’re apologizing for. Your mate needs to know that YOU KNOW that this isn’t a simple issue (if it was she wouldn’t have taken the kids, so you need to treat this just as seriously as she is or she won’t take you seriously). Then you need to SHOW her with your actions that you have ceased this behavior, i.e. ending all contact with these women who obviously don’t respect your relationship or else they would have stopped the flirty/sexual texts and dubbed you a creep. At this point you need to bear in mind that your words have little to no meaning to her since you have been showing her that you’re willing to say one thing and still do another. YOU have proven yourself untrustworthy with your ACTIONS so you have to use actions prove your intentions and feelings to her. Don’t expect anything to get better overnight. You destroyed a trust that took years to build, expect the re-building process to take awhile, and don’t resent her for it in the meantime.
    Lastly, remember that just as time is relative to velocity, so is healing to each individual.

  15. solovely Says:

    That is the problem with men. The are sneaky no good liars! Typical, you get caught and stop for a while but you always go back to the same stupid shit. How would you feel if the circumstances were reversed? Would you mind if she was carrying on with other guys? You should be ashamed of yourself.

  16. Mercedes Says:

    Hell no she shouldn’t take you back! Are you kidding? What can you do? Nothing. What you SHOULD HAVE been doing (telling the truth, being emotionally available for the mother of your kids, putting energy into your relationship & family) you proved you couldn’t. And NOW you want to change? Ha. Cute. You won’t change. Remember, this is the 4th time you’ve done this. Sorry, but you better get used to every other weekend and Wednesday nights with your 3 kids.

  17. Sdf Says:

    Deal with the first issue. Why is she your girlfriend of 9 years and 3 kids later?

  18. Johnny Says:

    Soloveley wrote: “How would you feel if the circumstances were reversed?”

    That’s what I find so surprising about all the condemnation here – has any man NOT had that situation reversed?

    In my experience this, reversed, is the most common form of disrespect toward a dude in a relationship! I’ve never been married with kids, but almost every woman I’ve ever dated, from age 14 to 30, has pulled the following(paraphrasing here):

    GF:”On of my dorky orbiters says you’re a bad BF and he’d be a better BF and I’m so sexy and you don’t appreciate me!”

    BF: “He’s obviously undermining me because he wants you!”

    GF:”WUUUH!? You really think so? No WAY. Don’t be silly. You’re so jealous.”

    I’ve ceased to see this as disrespect, even – just run-of-the-mill relationship crapola that’s best joked off or ignored. That’s how common it is the other way around.

    So, come ON. I have to believe that some of the angered posters above have pulled this exact move themselves. Give this guy a little slack!

    Unless of course you think this guy’s a liar and the texts were way pervy and showed intent to cheat.

  19. angel Says:

    i think he was just trying to liven up a really dull life. I can understand that, I just did the same “sexy text” with another guy, and had no intentions of cheating! You just get tired of the dullness of you life sometimes.

  20. Scarlett Says:

    First things first: if you are having problems in your relationship, you don’t discuss them with other women.

    The fact is that when you start relying on women who are not your girlfriend to support you and fix your problems, you are transferring some of the ‘function’ of a girlfriend to them. Is it surprising that so often you end up falling into the trap of flirting with them? You’ve made an emotional connection, it is natural that a physical one might follow.

    If you need a female’s perspective, try your mother or your sister. Even a cousin. Write in to Em and Lo. But don’t start connecting with women when you know you have a tendency to take it too far.

    That said, it’s been four times. I’m not sure I’d recommend she even take you back.

  21. Dave W Says:

    Re-reading this, I realize it’s also possible he was feeling trapped in the relationship and that was his way of acting out – not necessarily compulsive. Being unmarried w/3 kids, maybe the first pregnancy was unplanned, and he wasn’t truly ready to have a family of 5. That’s a pretty big mulligan to start out life with, but the world will benefit if he does his best from now on. I still think she was right to leave him. So, be a good dad, don’t badmouth the ex in front of the kids, and procure your own happiness.

    And Johnny, I think the operative words in your last post are “14 to 30″. Shouldn’t we outgrow that stuff once we reach our 30s?

  22. Johnny Says:

    ^^You’d think so, but apparently not.

    By the way, I was also 14 at the time I dated 14 year olds. I just realized that looks bad.

  23. shawn Says:

    really 4 times did he promise the other four times serously people don’t change once a lying dog always a lying dog. just hope his promises mean something when he makes them to his kids

  24. Dave Says:

    Sexting is just as dangerous as driving and texting, it could ruin your’s and other peoples lives. Either stay committed to your girlfriend or break it off and suffer the consequences of the children missing their daddy cause he is a M O R O N (I typed it slow so you could read it). Whatever happened to family values?????

  25. Rei Says:

    Dumbass. Of course she is mad at you, how old are you, 18?? Shouldn’t you know? Wow. Your girlfriend should go find a guy that truly loves her and doesn’t text sex/flirt with other women.

  26. A.J. Says:

    You really have to ask yourself why you text other girls…. Maybe your girlfriend is not the love of you life… something has to be missing from your relationship that you find comfort in other women.

  27. chu Says:

    she did the right thing Brava!!!! i know the feeling how it hurt . i had the same problem with my 4 years boyfriend .i go through in his emails and i couldn’t believe my eyes .

  28. kholofelo Says:

    Why did you do that again?Do you know how painful it feels to “your” lady(if she is still yours).Try to show her how sorry you realy are or else let her feel free from the cheaty relationship.

  29. penny Says:

    start sexting HER…make it fun…even if she is next to you. It just might improve your communications with her and let her know your concerns and what you really want in bed.

  30. jtek1 Says:

    There is obviously a problem with intimacy in the relationship, and lack of communication. It appear that there are things left unsaid and need to be discussed, usually in this situation someone’s need are not being met and the someone is not showing interest in rectifying the intimacy problem. Be honest and tell her that the production is not what is expected and if she don’t want to discuss it , move on. Sometime people are good as friends but lousy lovers, so the key is be honest with yourself and seed self satisfaction without guilt. you only have one life to live, try to find the one that’s compatible in at least the majority of personal desires.

  31. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Nine years, three kids and neither one of you could find the time or a reason to make a REAL commitment to each other?

    Did either of you think of the effect on your kids, of either the obvious lack of commitment, or the danger of them now having their parents in two different homes who are obviously not going to be able to get along any more?

    Kids are not just an afterthought of not using birth control. Kids need commitment from the people who conceived them. (And if you had the time to conceive THREE kids, you knew something about the fact that the relationship was supposed to be “permanent.”)

    Why no admitted commitment? But even now, it does have an impact on your kids and how people treat them, and it’s not like somebody made a mistake, the couple broke up and now the woman has to raise her baby alone, the two of you stayed together long enough to MAKE three children?

    I want to know where the hell is the commitment to a FAMILY? If there is NO commitment WHY have kids? 6.2 Billion people on the planet, do we really need people who just have kids because they forgot to buy rubbers? Or were to lazy to take the fucking things out of the nightstand drawer? (Because I AM assuming that in a relationship like you are describing, this is the only reason you HAVE 3 kids.)

    And despite the fact that this woman and you had THREE CHILDREN together, you feel “single” enough to still screw around, REPEATEDLY, even if it’s “just” on the phone? Do you even give a shit about your “girlfriend” and children? If so, WHY all the crap? (And why in the name of heaven would she have had ANY kids with you? Maybe she’s just as lacking in dedication, I have no idea. At least she had the eggs to get the hell out now. Too bad she didn’t think of it BEFORE.)

    I also am not buying that this last bout of being “caught sexting” was the ONLY reason she left. I’m guessing she’s been (stupidly) putting up with Non Monogamous behavior from you for a long time, perhaps the entire relationship, which begs the question WHY have all those kids, if nether one of you cares about how your lack of commitment hurts them?

    Did you expect any sympathy? Really?

    Pay your goddam child support, have a vasectomy and stop looking for pity.

    It pisses me off when people have kids with NO forethought and no care for how their infantile selfish behavior damages their poor children.

    Jeez, this pissed me off….

  32. Vernell Says:

    As a female in a serious relatinship,i would say that its not a wise idea to ask a member of the opposite sex for advice about your relationship,unless they are related to you.that (obviously) causes problems.confide in a male friend next time

  33. AMA Says:

    Big Mistake fella. f you loved her at all you would have never started doing thigs liek that. I found out that my husband was trying to Hook Up with random women with no strings attached. I found all the posts on craigs list and online and he denied it to my face but later conessed to it and sadi he was wrong. But you know what? I WILL NOTbelieve him at all. he is doing it again. 9 years are going dow nthe drain. I have always made him happy and satisfied.

  34. ashash Says:

    obviously if you made the mistake 4 TIMES you dont deserve her. if you are really sorry it should not have happened 4 TIMES! YOU just dont do that to someone you “love” especially the mother to your children

  35. zoe Says:

    hah i hope karma gets you
    shes your wife!!! and the mother of your kids

    this is something you do in high school if you a prick you normaly grow out of it

  36. Shewolf68 Says:

    Just in case he may actually be reading this…YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE DOORKNOB!

    You actually thought she would be okay with this…you are a totally emotionally stunted person who obviously has no ability to appreciate how others may see your behavior.

    You deserved to be left by her…too bad she was dumb enough to have your children…now she’s stuck with you!

  37. Zee Says:

    I laugh at you. You cheated. Period. Hope she gets you for child support.
    Guys, get real. If you mess around,it comes back to you.

  38. ashee Says:

    she did the right thing , i m having same problem ,my hubby texting other girls , and says they are only frends….u know what if u were realy sorry thn u was not going to do that 2nd time , and u did 4 time????
    dun lie that u was asking advise on ur relationship. if u have any thing thn better discuess with ur partner…. if she was love of ur life thn u was never going to do that with her……i know it was not only texting , maney other reasons were ther too. like not careing of her n ignoring
    u have lost ur trust now its v difficult to gain tht again….. i think she should not come back to u ,….i m also thinking same …..i caught him 3 time n next is last.

  39. sweetmamaJ Says:

    Wow! way too much psychobabble going on here…
    The point is you fucked up and you got what you deserve.

    P.S. She would have to be an idiot to go back to you. (again) and if she does well… Then she get’s what she deserves…

  40. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Am I the only one who is concerned about these poor THREE children and their seemingly otherwise clueless and self absorbed parents’ behavior?

  41. Spes Says:

    No, M.L., I’d understand if she didn’t take him back, but I never suggested that he shouldn’t try to piece his family back together. Although, it just might be better for the children if she didn’t take him back. Martial discord is certainly not healthy for the children. Either way, he needs to grow up and get his head out of his ass and take care of his family before he loses them all.

  42. Cheryl Says:

    If you have 3 kids with this woman and you haven’t been compelled to marry her, I can’t believe that she is the love of your life or that you really care about those children. Pay your child support and get out of her life and let her find real love. You shouldn’t need to sext other women if you really love someone, mild flirting just to give you some confidence…sure that’s OK.

  43. Realization Says:

    if shes the love of your life, and the mother of your children, why isnt she your wife? you don’t appreciate what she does for you and your response is to secretly flirt with other women? if your not ready to be in a committed relationship, then realize it, but trying to get her to commit to you when you don’t expect that of yourself is silly. relationships are far more that taking your pants off. as far as shes concerned you are trying to connect the with other women the same way she want to with you. i would have left you a long long time ago.

  44. Saphire Says:

    I think the main point that should be addressed, if you were wanting to even think about fixing up your relationship, is this: You were doing something you knew would make her unhappy if she knew about it, and yet you continued to do it. That’s not one of the recognized symptoms of love. Simply knowing that she didn’t want you to do it, should have been enough reason to stop. To be sorry for doing something that is essentially cheating, or to be sorry for being caught…two different things. At such time as you find yourself in a relationship again, whether it be with your ex or a new lady, keep in mind that anything that could be construed as cheating, is probably going to be seen as cheating if it is discovered. Also if you are doing something that you don’t want her to know about (barring surprise parties in her honor) then you’re probably doing something you shouldn’t. People know what is right or wrong, if they will let themselves know, but most of the time they just want someone to validate their choices. You knew what you were doing was wrong, you know that it would be wrong to do it again. From that bottom line, you start over, and take responsibility for the choices you make, and the consequences they bring.

  45. pj Says:

    is this what you would want for you kids!!!! for them to be treated like you treat their mother. do you want to see the hurt in their eyes!!!? would you like to see your grandchildern to go through the break up of their parnets?? lets get real just hearing the fighting that went on your kids heard it and are watching mommy cry OMG what a great father you are and lets not forget teacher as well.what will you think if one of the kids came home crying saying DAD that SON OF A B…. 4 times hows that sitting with you right about now the kids will grow up and better change what goes around comes arounds all in a ten fold.

  46. Vicky Says:

    Hmmmm…….3 kids and 9 years? Maybe hitting Tiffany’s and getting her an engagement ring that you don’t need a magnifying glass to see it with would be a good first step toward setting things right. You seem like a complete dumbass, tho, and eventually you will realize everything that you have lost when it is wayyyy too late. The worst part is that you are giving your own children the shaft. you are a LOSERRRRRR………..someday they will DESPISE you and you DESERVE it.

  47. Marcus Says:

    Okay, let’s start with the painfully obvious:

    (1) No one likes for their partner to consult with the same sex on relationship advice. It’s a golden rule. Whether straight, gay, bi…doesn’t matter. It’s just something that’s in a human’s nature.

    (2) The fact that things would go a little “overboard” shows your partner that you cannot be trusted. It’s a given. If you love and care for the person you’re with, you would have no desire to let anything get out of hand. Men, in history’s eyes, have this way of feeling like cowards for stopping something from going too far, but to me, a man is one that defends his woman.

    (3)She definitely needs time to calm down. However, during that time, you need to prove to her that you are truly sorry and that you want to be with her. This can be done several ways. If she is the love of your life, you must now step into her shoes as if she was texting other dudes. You need to connect with her emotions; it’s no longer about you.

    (4) One day at a time. Don’t expect her anger to subside over night or over a few days. Slow and steady wins the race. The time for you to really step up to the plate is now, not later.

  48. pj Says:

    Realy!!!! does any one want to think of the kids and what HE!!! has put them through. have you forgotten that the kids have listened to the fighting, mom crying, oh lets not forget moving to grandma’s and you want then back together again for what? mom is hurt,angery, and dealing with the kids and the schools, the move,a broken hart, now lets put mom and dad back in the same house know what do the kids hear, do you think walking on egg shell is good for the kids? maybe in time mom & dad can work on this. but the kids don’t need the stress of it. do you think dad is done playing his sextexing game? LOL with a HA HA HA do you think mom has trust in him or faith that he grew up over night? lets not forget 3 kids in 9 years!!!! what could be the reason for no ring? the kids will have both parnets mom all the time dad wensdays and every other weekend!!!!!!

  49. Lexi Says:

    I’m sorry, but you’re just an idiot. You did it FOUR times. If she was the love of your life you probably would have stopped after the first, or second, or hell even third time she caught you, but you didn’t. You caused he great anxiety and hurt her like hell. Move on.

  50. Cindy Says:

    Good for you … you have no business sending texts to other women especially flirty texts. She did the right thing and you shoud have known better. You are obviously not happy if you need to do that type of stuff. You are showing her NO respect and I would have left your ass too. Good for her and I hope she stayed away.


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