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How to Have Phone Sex in 10 Easy Steps

Wed, May 5, 2010

Advice, How To

photo by Janine

You’re away on business, you don’t know a soul in this town, you’re¬†holed up in your hotel room, alone and lonely (read: horny) and¬†because you are a not a cheating scumbag and this isn’t Up in the Air,¬†you pick up the phone to call your honey at home in the hopes of a¬†little cellular nookie. But it goes something like this: “I just¬†called, to say, I‚Ķ um‚Ķ uh, I was thinking that we could, you know‚Ķoh,¬†never mind. How’s the weather where you are?” There’s nothing like¬†phone sex to make you feel like a gawky teen all over again. Regular¬†sex, you’ve got down cold: open bottle of wine, play smooth¬†soundtrack, get naked, get busy, rinse, repeat. But fiber-optic¬†relations? The person on the other end of the line could be fully-clothed and watching “American Idol” on mute for all you know. They¬†could be faking, or smirking at your clumsy attempts at dirty talk.

Without being in the same room together, performance anxiety is¬†practically inevitable. It can feel like auditioning for a casting¬†director who demands, “Say something sexy!” So here’s how to reach out¬†and touch someone successfully:

  1. Plug in your headset to free up your hands and avoid neck cramps.
  2. Hold all calls. Answering call-waiting while tele-sexing‚ÄĒeven during¬†tele-foreplay‚ÄĒsuggests you’ve got better things to do, or worse,¬†better people to do.
  3. Once you’ve dialed the digits, use the “I wish you were here” line as¬†your “in.”
  4. Don’t immediately break out into your best phone-sex-operator¬†impression. If your partner knows you as the quiet type, suddenly¬†spewing forth a string of obscenities that would make the Osbornes¬†blush might not have the erotic effect you’re going for.
  5. Dead air during phone sex can dampen the mood, but some heavy¬†breathing, the occasional moan, or simply whispering their name can¬†fill the awkward silences. Whatever you do, make some noise! Otherwise¬†your partner will think that you’re watching TV or doodling on the¬†hotel notepad.
  6. If you’d like to graduate to full sentences but don’t know where to¬†start, try reading something sexy over the phone. Tell your partner,¬†”I read this today and thought of you.” Then start articulating your¬†desire. The most basic approach is to think of this articulation as¬†narration: you’re simply talking about what you’d like to do to them¬†or what you’re doing to yourself while you’re doing it.
  7. Start with the most basic of terms for each other’s genitals and¬†gradually up the ante. Don’t worry about creative vocabulary, at least¬†not at first. Once you become more fluent in the language of love, you¬†can get more colorful. As a general rule, the more words a term for¬†the genital contains, the more likely it is to induce giggles or a¬†wince.
  8. To get your partner in on the action, ask them what they’re doing. Ask¬†exactly how it feels. Ask what they’d do to you if you weren’t a¬†thousand miles away. If your partner is on the shy side, get them¬†talking with a few yes or no questions: “Are you undressed? Does that¬†feel good?”
  9. Whatever you do, don’t laugh at anything your partner says, ever; not¬†only will it ruin the mood, it will make them forever self-conscious¬†and inhibited in the verbal sex department.
  10. Whatever you end up saying, say it with confidence and don’t censor¬†yourself: If you’re embarrassed, then your partner will be embarrassed¬†for (and by) you. Commit to the dirty talk, and you should have an¬†eargasmic experience.

This is our bi-weekly column in Metro; read it in print here

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51 Responses to “How to Have Phone Sex in 10 Easy Steps”

  1. Patricia Says:

    It helps to set the mood. Going into phone sex mood like a robot doesn’t help. Be romantic, empathic, caring. Be who are when the two of you are together. Ask about each others day, tell him/her how much you have missed his/her… Her kisses, his touch… What you miss right now… How you wish he/she was there with you etc… Flirt, play, seduce. Have fun! Phone sex doesn’t replace the real thing, but it sure is a great way … to do… it…


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