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Top 10 Songs About Bad Sex

Thu, May 6, 2010

Music, Pop Culture

There are plenty of bad¬†songs¬†about sex — and we’re guessing that they’re in heavy rotation when any cast member of¬†Jersey Shore hooks up. But there are some truly excellent songs about bad¬†sex. Here are a few lyric excerpts from some of our favorites (with thanks to our readers on¬†Facebook and¬†Twitter for help compiling this; although to the reader who nominated “Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation” by Whitechapel — er, thanks, but no thanks). Let’s see if we can get up to 25, or even 100 — put your other suggestions in the comments section below!

1.¬†“Do You Remember the First Time” by Pulp

You say you’ve got to go home
‘Cause he’s sitting on his own again this evening
And I know you’re gonna let him bore your pants off again
Oh now it’s half past eight, you’ll be late

You say you’ve never been sure
Though it makes good sense for you to live together
Still you bought a toy that can reach the places he never goes
And now it’s getting late, he’s so straight

2.¬†“Please Please Me” by the Beatles [Rumor has it this was written for Lennon's wife Cynthia, who was apparently not very giving in the oral sex department. We'll never hear the line "Why do you make me blue?" quite the same way again.]

Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try girl
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
Please please me oh yeah like I please you.
You don’t need me to show the way love
Why do I always have to say love
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
Please please me oh yeah like I please you.
I don’t want to sound complaining
But you know there’s always rain in my heart.
I do all the pleasing with you
It’s so hard to reason with you.
Oh yeah why do you make me blue.

3.¬†“Stutter” by Elastica [Or, as we like to call it, Ballad of the Whiskey Dick.]

No need to whine, boy
Like a wind-up toy you stutter at my feet
And it’s never the time, boy
You’ve had too much wine to stumble up my street
Well it isn’t a problem
Nothing we can’t keep between the sheets
Tell me you’re mine, love
And I will not wait for other bedtime treats

Is there something you lack
When I’m flat on my back
Is there something that I can do for you?
It’s always something you hate
Or it’s something you ate
Tell me is it the way that I touch you?
Have you found a new mate
And is she really great
Is it just that I’m much too much for you?

Don’t feed me a line, boy
I can hear that voice you use upon the phone
And there’s no need to be coy
That is something you can do upon your own
Well it isn’t problem
Nothing we can’t solve so just relax
Am I on the wrong train, love
And will I have to tie you to the tracks

Is there something you lack
When I’m flat on my back
Is there something that I can do for you?
It’s always something you hate
Or it’s something you ate
Tell me is it the way that I touch you?
Have you found a new mate
And is she really great
Is it just that I’m much too much for you?

4.¬†“Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard [Okay, we think that someone accidentally nominated this as a bad¬†song¬†about sex, but (a) we happen...okay Em happens to love it, especially at karaoke bars, and (b) we think the sex described in this song sounds both unpleasantly sticky and also totally unsatisfying to the female participant. Unless of course they were talking about female ejaculation, but that was probably too advanced for the 80s.]

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, c’mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me, oh, I can’t get enough
I’m hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more
Easy operator come-a-knockin’ on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah
Give a little more

5.¬†“Not Big” by Lily Allen [As she said when she introduced the song in concert, "We've always got our fingers, ladies."]

Now listen I think you and me have come to the end of our time,
What do you want some kind of reaction?
Well, OK, that’s fine,
Alright, how would it make you feel if I said you never made me cum?
In the year and a half that we spent together,
Yeah, I never really had much fun.

All those times that I said I was sober,
Well I’m afraid I lied,
I’d be lying next to you, you next to me,
All the while I was high as a kite.
I could see it in your face as you break it to me gentle,
Yeah, you really must think you’re great,
Let’s see how you feel in a couple of weeks,
When I work my way through your mates.

I never wanted it to end up this way,
You’ve only got yourself to blame,
I’m gonna tell the world you’re rubbish in bed now
And that you’re small in the game.

I saw you thought this was gonna be easy,
Well, you’re out of luck.
Yeah, let’s rewind, let’s turn back time to when you couldn’t get it up,
You know what it should’ve ended there,
That’s when I should’ve shown you the door.
As if that weren’t enough to deal with,
You became premature.

I’m sorry if you feel that I’m being kinda mental,
But you left me in such a state.
But now I’m gonna do what you did to me,
Gonna reciprocate.

You’re not big, you’re not clever,
No, you ain’t a big brother
Not big what so ever.

6.¬†“Minnesoter” by Dandy Warhols

Yeah, I could rock her
Like a doctor
If I found a way to get her off first
I could own her, the crazy loner,
If I found my way to Minnesoter.

In a slumber, I’m sawing lumber
I saw my baby dance a Latin
number with her shirt off
Man her skin’s soft
But in a mood she`d rather
if I jerked off.

7.¬†“Jizz in My Pants” by The Lonely Island, featured on Saturday Night Live

Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink, while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games
Make our way through the smoke and crowd
The club is the sky and I’m on your cloud
Move in close as the lasers fly
Our bodies touch and the angels cry
Leave this place go back to yours
Our lips first touch outside your doors
A whole night what we’ve got in store
Whisper in my ear that you want some more
And I jizz in my pants

This really never happens you can take my word
I won’t apologize, that’s just absurd
Mainly your fault from the way that you dance
And now I jizz in my pants

Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say you’re a slut
Plus it’s your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I’m very sensitive, some would say that’s a plus
Now I’ll go home and change

8.¬†“Not Fair” by Lily Allen [This woman has made the bad sex revenge song an art form.]

Oh, he treats me with respect,
He says he loves me all the time,
He calls me 15 times a day,
He likes to make sure that I’m fine,
You know I’ve never met a man,
Whose made me feel quite so secure,
He’s not like all them other boys,
They’re all so dumb and immature.

There’s just one thing,
That’s getting in the way,
When we go up to bed you’re just no good,
It’s such a shame!
I look into your eyes,
I want to get to know you,
And then you make this noise,
and its apparently it’s all over

Oh you’re supposed to care,
But you never make me scream,
You never make me scream,

Oh it’s not fair,
And it’s really not ok,
It’s really not ok,
It’s really not ok,

Oh you’re supposed to care,
But all you do is take,
Yeah, all you do is take.

I lay here in this wet patch
in the middle of the bed,
I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head.

Then I remember all the nice things
that you’ve ever said to me,
maybe I’m just over reacting
maybe you’re the one for me.

9. “Walk of Shame” by Shayna Ferm and the Upper Deckers

You gotta walk off the walk of shame
still can’t remember his name
and you hope he lost your number
and that he used a rubber
walk walk walk of shame
girl, girl

Remember that guy with the lazy eye
who was dancin’ so close
the one with that banana in his pocket
that your friends said was really gross
you let him buy you another mai tai
and then you showed him your boobs
now you’re walkin’ home thinkin’ ’bout quittin’ drinkin’
and you’re singin’ yourself this tune

You lost all your pride
girl you ain’t got no ride
walk walk walk of shame
still can’t remember his name
it’s a cold and lonely mornin’
people drivin’ by and pointin’

10. The Bad in Bed Song

You’re the worst sex I ever had
It was so fucking bad
You could never find my clit
Even if i drew a map to it

There were other problems too…
How you wouldn’t let me touch your Jewfro
I should have seen that warning
How your hair had to be all perfect
Cause you were filming in the morning

Yeah, you’re a big fat star
Everybody knows who you are
You probably fucked every girl in this bar…poorly!

Don’t push my head down there
Cause baby I’m telling you, that’s a lot of hair
Try Nair
Or we’ll give you a buzz cut
Ooooh ooh try Nair

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9 Responses to “Top 10 Songs About Bad Sex”

  1. ms Says:

    Light my Fire, by the Doors.

    You know that it would be untrue
    You know that I would be a liar
    If I was to say to you
    Girl, we couldn’t get much higher
    Come on baby, light my fire
    Come on baby, light my fire
    Try to set the night on fire

    The time to hesitate is through
    No time to wallow in the mire
    Try now we can only lose
    And our love become a funeral pyre
    Come on baby, light my fire
    Come on baby, light my fire
    Try to set the night on fire, yeah

    If that’s not about being dissatisfied, I don’t know what is.

  2. Mary Says:

    Not exactly the right category, but have I got a bad song about sex for you…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc030yp6-bg

    Some choice lyrics:

    “Last I remember I was face down
    Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off
    Even though I’m not sure of his name
    He could get it again if he wanted
    ‘Cause the sex was spectacular”

    “I think he pulled a track out
    When he was pulling back out
    What was I drinking?
    I can’t believe I blacked out”

    “You can say what you want
    You can call me a slut but
    What he did to me last night felt so good
    I must have been on drugs
    I hope he used a rubber
    Or I’mma be in trouble
    Problem is I don’t remember
    Except for rolling over”

    This from a former Disney “Cheetah Girl.” And there’s this response video she made talking about how she’s not condoning date rape, but simply relaying a message and bringing awareness to the fact that girls have unprotected sex and that we need to address this issue, and that her video is art, and she’s playing a character in it, and that her song is simply telling a story…

  3. Dave W Says:

    “Dry” PJ Harvey
    “Bang and Blame” R.E.M.

  4. ZC Says:

    Jizz in My Pants, is by “The Lonely Island” (who are on SNL) and I don’t think they meant it to be serious in any way, shape, or form. I think their intention was to parody the male sex drive. Come on, they also made a song, (and video) called D**k in a Box. ;)

    You really need an open minded and naughty but still fun sense of humor to appreciate this kind of comedy. Its a bit crude and not everyone will be able to I realize :)

  5. emandlo Says:

    ZC, we clarified the song credit, but we don’t see why this song shouldn’t be on this list.
    Several of the them are funny. The only requirements to make this list were that they 1) be a song and 2) be about bad sex. We never said they had to be serious, earnest, mainstream songs.

  6. Madamoiselle L Says:

    “Dick in a Box” BEST “Sex as Commodity” song ever, and from some guys, too.

    Great stuff. :)

  7. Mike S Says:

    How could this list not include the immortal Dinah Moe Humm? :-)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZUkNWdeeGc&feature=related

  8. Gonzo Feedback Says:

    “Get it up” by Aerosmith

    “Trick of the Light” by the Who

  9. Rick G - FOTR Says:

    Where are the ZAPPA songs??????? any of them……ALL of them……


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