Thu, Jun 24, 2010
That’s the only type of marriage I’d consider.
I choose “yes,” that is if I ever wanted to marry in the first place.
IF I ever got married…….it would be open. Not likely, though.
Marriage is a commitment traditionally held to religion. One would get married to take care of a single mother, or to have children of their own. Marriage also sets an example and an open relationship does not teach loyalty, sexual control, and it is a horrible example to children. What is the point of a commitment when you are really just still dating? When married your on the “HOOK” financially. One should choose mmonogamy or not.
Adam, I’d suggest that you consider celibacy.
just for the reason of STIs, NO! I’d still encourage regular testing with my marital partner but why would I want to worry about who he’s slept with all the time? I could never bring myself to even consider sex without a condom in that situation. I’d much rather just have an exclusive, essentially life-long relationship versus have an open marriage. I know that’s not 100% foolproof but I don’t see the fun in being paranoid about your health all the time.
@ Adam Taylor
Why is monogamy the only way to be loyal to your partner? A quick web-dictionary search defines loyalty as “commitment: the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action,” “firm: unwavering in devotion to friend or vow or cause,” and “steadfast in allegiance or duty.” Note that none of those definitions stipulate the nature of the vows one makes–if I vow to be monogamous with my partner, and break that vow, well, that makes me a cheater, that makes me disloyal, dishonest, what have you. Obviously, participating in ceremonies (for example, but not exclusively, a Catholic marriage) that demand monogamy as part of their structure is dishonest for the non-monogamous among us (I’m no theologian here), but for instance, a civil marriage does not necessarily require sexual or romantic exclusivity, and so would be a perfectly acceptable form of open marriage. What do I (or my partner) gain by vowing monogamy to my partner, when I have already vowed to be honest and trustworthy, caring and supportive, loving and respectful, and to do my best to create an environment where we can take care of each other? What does “not loving anybody else” have to do with those things? If my partner loves me, and also loves somebody else, what have I lost (other than the understanding and support of the narrowminded, of course)? Monogamy does not inherently say *anything* about the quality of a given relationship…it doesn’t say how much two people love each other, how well they treat each other, or how loyal they are to each other and to the commitments that they make to the people in their lives.
As to your other point, I absolutely cannot even begin to agree with the notion that monogamy is somehow a better example of sexual control than polyamory/open relationships/etc. In most cases, people are monogamous by default–not because they’ve thought about their needs and discussed this with their partner(s), but because monogamy is de facto how you show commitment. Not being intimate with other people because the possibility of doing otherwise with honesty and trust never occurred to you doesn’t make you a paragon of control, just as a carriage horse who wears blinders doesn’t show self-control by not charging off the road (let’s not even get into anyone’s actual ability to maintain honest monogamy, because that’s so beside the point). Being able to set limits with your partner(s), ask for and be responsible for what you want and reach happy agreements with those you love requires a great deal more sexual control (speaking from experience on both sides of the monogamy-fence) then simply never approaching the question.
And on that note, why on earth is non-monogamy a bad example to children? I suppose it’s *terrible* for them to see their caretakers negotiating honestly with one another, that must be it, right?
Leigh said exactly what I was thinking. Fidelity doesn’t just mean don’t cheat. It means don’t have an extramarital relationship if that’s not what was agreed upon. And those agreements can change and grow as the relationships evolve. Being true to your partner doesn’t have to mean you don’t have outside partners. Love is best when it’s spread around, imho.
Why on earth would you tell your kids you have an open relationship anyway? Do you fill your kids in on the details of your monogamous sexual relationship?
I believe most people have open marriages anyway, and they just lie to each other about it.
I know, I know. YOUR partner would never ever do that.
Why go through the hassle of getting married then. Maybe i have a different idea of what marriage is but if you dont want to commit to one person why get married?
I agree, Zira. Yet so, so many people seem to do it anyway.
There are plenty of reasons to get married without agreeing to monogamy (it’s an institution that brings a myriad of social and governmental benefits, for a start). A committed relationship does not equal monogamy…my primary partner and I aren’t any less committed to each other, aren’t any less serious about each other for not being exclusive. A civil marriage (again, I’m no theologian) is a public declaration of commitment and a certain amount of permanence to a given relationship…those things have nothing inherently to do monogamy. (And btw, sure, I wouldn’t tell all those children that I’m not planning on having about one night stands…but then, I’m not really a one night stand sort of a gal. Non-monogamy does not necessarily mean loads of casual sex…it’s a big umbrella, guys.)
me and my hubby belive in an open marriage just for the fact of our religon. however any person/s entering our bedroom would and have been people we trust and have been long time friends with us.
@ Leigh – Monogamy is not the only way to be loyal to your partner, but I think it makes it easier for most of us. For one thing, open couples seem to have rules of their own, so you can have cheaters in an open relationship. Being open to other relationships/having sex with other people seems to me to make it easier to cross whatever line you’ve drawn and end up cheating in a different way.
I think when there are other relationships/possibilities, it can affect how you interact with your primary partner. You end up being pulled about who comes first in various situations. Mostly, though, I think the jealousy and pain aren’t worth it.
My Man and I had an Open Relationship while we were dating. We were, however, single and I guess “still on the market” while still being dedicated to each other. It’s hard to explain, if you are the type to not understand polyamory.
I see nothing inherently “immoral” with Open Marriages, as long as both partners know what the other is doing, for instance, those participating in the Swing Community, where Trust and Sharing and NO DRAMA are the rules.
However, I thin it takes a certain type of person, well, certian TWO people, who believe in the same form of Open Marraige, are willing to forgo drama and jealousy (a lot harder than it sounds) and still remain loving, dedicated and honest with each other.
Some people can manage it, though. I think their dedication to each other and their ability to be honest and avoid jealousy transcends what most people, including myself, are capable of. And only those who remain together during the entire duration of the Open part of the Marriage are able to transcend those things that would prevent the majority of us from trespassing in such possibly (but certainly exciting and interesting) waters.
My main fear would be falling in love with someone else, or my partner doing the same. I tend to “fall in love” a little when I have sex, and I want to love My Man exclusively right now, so I am probably not the best candidate for an Open Marriage at this point in my life. My life is complicated enough, one more man in it would just probably put me over the edge.
I have never known a man to be “ok” with his female companion sleeping with someone else. “Open relationships” always seem to work out like a lot of middle eastern relationships…males sleep around while females are dominated. No thanks.
I have been married 31 years and I think if we had went with the open marriage from the beginning I wouldn’t feel I had been cheated on. As it is now, I have no trust for my husband. So I voted yes to your poll.
AMEN Debbie! I have been married 22 years and faithful. I have been through a lot with him. There has been moments I thought he was having an affair because he would leave and I would keep taking him back. Now that I have been through all of this with him my kids r grown and having there own children I want more. I would very much like to have a open marriage BUT I know it could never be!!!! I Love him very much but as a friend after everything.
I have no fundamental objection to polyamorous relationships of any kind, whether legally binding or otherwise. I’ve been in two relationships that were “open” in slightly different ways, and neither worked: I’m a one-person woman and that, as it turns out, is that.
In one relationship, I was with two people (everyone knew about everyone, of course) and only ended up feeing, all the time, as though I was cheating — except I never knew who I was cheating ON, and I wasn’t cheating because of our arrangement!
In the other, I wasn’t dating anyone else, but my partner was (again, all parties knew about all parties), and in this case, I felt as though I was being cheated on or cheated with — although I never knew which one it was, and once again, no cheating was happening.
For me, madness that way lies. And general confusion plus a dash of malaise.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 13 YEARS AND WE HAVE BEEN IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE FOR THE LAST 10. WE FIND IT AWESOME.
WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 15 YEARS I NEED MORE SEX MY HUSBAND IS AWAY A LOT. HE HAS SEX WHEN HE GOES AWAY AND SO DO I. THE ONLY RULE IS SAFE SEX, CONDOMS ALL THE TIME, AFTER ALL IT’S ONLY SEX.
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