10 Simple Steps to Hosting a Sexy Sleepover

photo by SFBNess

If you’re planning on having a new guest over to “look at your etchings” for the first time, follow these 10 rules to ensure there’s a next time:

  1. Only invite a guest over when you won’t have to rush out the door the next morning.
  2. Warn any roommates that you will be entertaining that evening.
  3. Remove all dirty laundry & dishes, any evidence of prior partners, and anything age-inappropriate (like dolls or teddy bears) from your bedroom and hide them. In fact, we’d recommend selling all but your most favorite cuddly toy on eBay.
  4. Turn off your cell phone and your land-line answering machine — especially if you expect your recent ex to call at 4am asking to be taken back for the 25th time.
  5. Take a tip from Hollywood movies and use dramatic, flattering lighting wherever you think you might end up doing it. Kill all fluorescents and any overhead lamps that have harsh, bright bulbs. Instead, use low-wattage bulbs in lamps tucked away in corners. Install dimmer switches for adjustable brightness. And light a few candles (no more than three, though—you don’t want to overdo it).
  6. Have an extra toothbrush on hand, still in its packaging, and a fresh towel for them to use.
  7. Have a sexy music mix ready to go on your stereo or iPod, making sure that what you think is sexy isn’t too too overplayed and cheesy (anything by Marvin Gaye or Al Green).
  8. If you have a beloved pet who usually bunks with you, don’t assume your partner is an animal lover, too. They want to sleep with you, not Fluffy and Muffin. And letting your pets watch the two of you do it may creep them out. Banish all wildlife from your bedroom until you’re sure an ill-timed bark won’t kill the mood.
  9. In your bedside drawer, have ready a) quality condoms, b) a box of tissues for quick clean up, and c) a good brand of personal lubricant. The lube will make a nice addition to any handwork you two engage in, and will help you go long for any marathon sessions. The smaller the container the better, to help keep their insecure thoughts about previous partners at bay. Individual packets are ideal.
  10. Cook them breakfast in the morning if it’s the weekend; toast and coffee will do if it’s a work day.

This column appears bi-weekly in Metro. Read it in print here.


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7 Comments on "10 Simple Steps to Hosting a Sexy Sleepover"


4 years 11 months ago

If you think they are up to using a toy the first night, make sure it’s new in a sealed package.

Al
5 years 5 days ago

This was a really good article and not just for single people having sexy sleepovers. If my boyfriend followed everything on this list he’d get lucky whenever he wanted (I would also suspect that he is a robot).

AlanK
5 years 5 days ago

Joke, children. Joke. Problems in singular/plural/non-pedantic are driving everyone crazy. (And for what it’s worth I worked my way through school as a production editor). Classic editing rule that “the masculine embraces the feminine” (no, I’m not making this up) is no longer useful. Problem in choosing proper tense, when no solution actually worked, generated potentially comic interpretation. Joke. Please. I don’t think you’re drinking enough.

BCofUIMhere
5 years 5 days ago

@AlanK, as a proofreader/copy editor, I am a stickler for grammatical correctness. However, there’s also a point that needs to be made and I quote Judith Martin, also known as Miss Manners: “the more important etiquette rule against pointing out mistakes when one has not been asked for advice…”