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Your Call – And You Thought Your Ex Was the Biggest Sh*t on the Planet

Tue, Jul 20, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by sarahxic

Okay, we admit there isn’t exactly a lot to debate in this week’s edition of Your Call. Clearly this woman should leave her boyfriend, a.k.a. the Biggest Asshole Who Ever Lived. But we wanted to publish this letter anyway because (a) This poor woman needs a public record of all you telling her that she’s better than him and needs to move on; (b) This man needs to be shamed, if only anonymously; and (c) Maybe it’ll make you cut your own partner a bit of slack when s/he forgets to pick up milk on the way home or can’t keep up with the plot intricacies of The Hills. It’s a long one, so grab a snack, and away we go…

Dear Em & Lo,

My on/off boyfriend of 3 years and I have recently split up, for the second time and maybe for good. I fell totally head over heels when I first met him and thought he did too. The problems started the 1st time when he left for work one morning,he left me alone and I went to put his pajamas back in a drawer when I came across a pile of love letters, post cards, etc. The letters were quite intense and the dates they were written coincided with a time he was acting strangely with me because he was scared about his feelings.

He’d recently divorced and has two children. I asked him about it while out at dinner and he denied it, then said it was a one-way thing and that nothing ever happened. I believed him [ED: Oh no you did-n't!] and we sort of moved on, until I found out this woman was married with 3 children and lived around the corner from me.

I threatened to take the letters to her husband but instead let it lie. It was difficult to deal with as they all hung around in the same artsy crowd and there is a 12-year age gap in us, but in time the dust settled until it came to my attention that this girl was in fact best friends with his best female friend (who is also his ex wife’s sister!). They are far too close for comfort, he used to live with his ex wife’s sister and insists that they are not romantically involved and I have tried to be friendly when iIve seen her but cannot help but think that she is only respondant when he is there. She once gave him a lift to a party with his ex-girlfriend and they passed me in the street and he admitted to me that he hid in the back of the car when he saw me. Why do that?

We eventually split up because again he said he was confused about his feelings. I was pretty cut up and shot straight into a rebound relationship, got pregnant and felt as low as ever. I booked in for an abortion, something I am not proud of, as the new guy went back to his ex and I wanted to move on.

I was upset and my ex came to see me. I told him in confidence and surprisingly he was a rock of support throughout and even came to the hospital with me. It was the day after he made a move. [ED: Oh no he did-n't!] I was very emotional and told him I needed space to get my head straight.

Four months passed and we saw each other occasionally in passing and were civil, but I did miss him. After a couple of weeks things evolved and it was like we’d never been apart until I noticed him being secretive with his mobile. I realize I shouldn’t have done it, but after all the upset needed to put my mind at rest. I found numerous texts to his ex wife’s sister, telling her about how I’d gone to him and he’d helped me even though I was pregnant to somebody else.

I was horrified, I felt like I’d been stabbed in the back. I never even told any of my family or friends about the abortion ¬†and now I just feel completely hurt that this woman I don’t even know knows the most intimate details of my life. He keeps ringing/texting to apologize, but now I just don’t know what to do. Please help, an outside opinion is really needed right now!

– Doormat Debbie

Okay, dear readers. Do what you do best…talk some sense into this sweet lady who deserves better!

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13 Responses to “Your Call – And You Thought Your Ex Was the Biggest Sh*t on the Planet”

  1. Finikki Says:

    Oh, Debbie. This guy is so incredibly untrustworthy and not worth your time at all. The scary thing is, he’s terrible at keeping his inappropriate relationships secret, but he can be that way because you let him deny them even after you’ve found hard evidence proving what a scumbag he is! It’s time to stand up for yourself and realize you deserve a lot better than this guy. Even if (and I highly doubt) he hasn’t actually slept with any of these other women, he’s betrayed your trust repeatedly, and that might be even worse. My suggestion would to be to cut off all contact with him. Text him (don’t you dare talk with him on the phone, he’ll just drag you right back in!) and tell him you don’t want to hear from him anymore. Then ignore his texts and calls. If you see him in public, just keep walking. He’s too toxic for you to be around.

    As for feeling so terrible about the abortion, just remember that it was a choice you made because you believed it was the best thing for you at this time in your life. It’s certainly not something a horrible man like your ex should be able to pump himself up about, painting himself to his ex-wife’s sister as the hero that swooped in and comforted you in your “time of need.” If you need comfort or someone private to talk with about your choice, see a therapist. They are required by law to keep your secrets!

    Good luck, Debbie. It’ll be hard to remove him from your life, but I bet that in a year, this will all look like a really great learning experience of how to get out of a toxic relationship. You’ll be so much stronger for it.

  2. Jenna Says:

    I’ll keep it simple. People who love you do not treat you this way. There are people out there who are real, genuine, loving people. Surround yourself with those people

  3. Dave W Says:

    What strikes me about the people in this letter is that they can’t use their head to control their heart, and so they have no boundaries. It’s the ol’ Woody Allen “the heart wants what it wants”. I feel that DD is a bigger person than the others and will learn to avoid these flawed personalities.

    His behavior during your hospital visit could be called support, but I’d call it opportunism. He swooped in when you were vulnerable.

    I agree with Nikki that cutting off all contact with him is a good idea. He appears capable of exploiting cracks in your defense, so not providing any opening at all is probably the way to go.

    One more thing: the less sensitive people in your life might call you an idiot, or tell you to just dump him already, but try not to pay attention. Personal growth doesn’t happen at the drop of a hat. It sounds like you can conquer this; I’m rooting for ya.

  4. Pigeon Says:

    oh dear- it’s hard to get over someone when you don’t have anyone decent to move onto-sounds like you want someone and as he always seems available you always think of him

    Put these horrible experiences down to experience- you won’t appreciate the good unless you’ve had the bad, and it sounds like you’ve had more than your share
    good luck, and chin up :)

  5. Lola Says:

    You poor thing. Kick this piece of trash to the curb asap! He is a user, an abuser and a loser. You must know that you deserve better and you must seek better. Take this experience as a lesson and move on to someone and something better. And dont look back!!!

  6. Meg Says:

    1. DUMP HIM.
    2. STOP GOING OUT WITH DUDES WHO ARE JUST OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS. IT IS NEVER GOOD.

  7. Embee Says:

    From one recovering doormat to another, I have to say, this man isn’t worth the effort. You are. Let him have his complicated web of women (it’ll most likely strangle him in the end). Make this break a clean one. Do what is best for you and your happiness.

    You have a chance at a new beginning! Leave this toxic mess behind and open yourself up to better things (and people).

  8. anathema Says:

    I dated someone similarly f*ed up, though in different ways. 5 years after I finally dumped him I cringe to think of the kind of asshole behavior I put up with. I finally got the cojones to dump him, and just hit “delete” whenever he called or texted. I got a lot of therapy, and told myself I would go out with friends but *not* date until I felt confident that I had built my self-esteem up to the point where no one would ever treat me so badly again. After a year, I met a wonderful man whom I’ve now been with for almost 3 years–I think partly because we *didn’t* jump into dating right away, but got to know each other. And the toxic ex? About a year ago he started calling and texting me aggressively–I finally agreed to a brief coffee date with him out of some weird sense of charity. He was totally pathetic (in the way he’d always been but when we were together I saw it as “vulnerable” and “in touch with his feelings.”) He told me how his fiancee had dumped him and implied that it was due to some character flaw on his part. I said, basically, “I don’t know this woman so I can’t comment, but I can tell you the reasons I, and every other woman I know who dated you, dumped you.” He seemed genuinely surprised that he had an obvious pattern, and we’ve not spoken since. I ran into him briefly at a social event, was cordial but dismissive, and got an IM the next day about how nice it was to see me. I hit “delete.”

  9. Jackie Says:

    Health relationships are healthy both ways, or unhealthy both ways. In this case, unhealthy. In order to bring balance to your life, you have to step back and take a good look at how you are contributing to an unhealthy relationship. We have to be honest with our own issues to resolve the situation at hand. Making ourselves accountable to the issue may require being confrontational with ourselves and our actions. Yes this man may be untrustworthy, but the real truth is that his inability to be honest to you is being allowed. What can you do to break this pattern that keeps evolving into your life. Hopefully you can learn to choose a better path and not fall into the same whole. Being aware is 99% of the battle. Maybe in the future you can see the pitfall that lay ahead in the street and just take another steet, avoiding the same ole pitfall. Bounderies is an excellent read.
    I hope you find peace in all you do.

  10. Nena Says:

    I have to say writing advise is easier than taking and doing it, you are not alone. Remember to look at yourself as to why you tend to go for that type of relationship. Change that part of yourself and like yourself. You will find your relationships with people will change and good people will surround you, not people who use you and make you feel like they are the only ones who could be in your life. Take time to heal inside yourself and bring up your self esteem before getting into another relationship. It will be hard, but you will also grow stronger.

  11. Candise Says:

    Please, drop that dead weight. Can you really say that you love someone that is so sneaky, untrustworthy, and treats you so poorly? Never trust a man that has “love letters” in a drawer that are easily accessible. If he loved you, they would have went directly into the trash, not kept in a drawer.

    You’re amazing, and you need to find someone that appreciates you and is equally amazing.

  12. Lexi Says:

    OKay. So I know it must suck that everyone is telling you that the guy you might love is a jerk…. but the thing is, he is worse then a jerk.

    Excluding that point, this relationship is just more trouble then its worth. Any relationship consisting of giant arguments and untrustworthy partners, just isn’t worth it.

    Break up with his sorry ass. Delete his number from your phone. And if he ever tries to win you back, splash your drink in his face.

    Bottom Line: You seem wonderful. You are better then him. If it were me, I would kick him in the balls.

  13. Troy Patterson Says:

    Forget all the yesterdays other than to know what not to do nextime. Plan ahead for what might happen tomorrow and live just for today because thats all any of us really have.

    This guy is a total looser and if you have even think about thinking about trying to work anything out with him DONT DO IT!!!
    Trust me on this. I promise youll be better of for it.


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