photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re usually fluent in all those international languages, like love and body language. But this week you might have to string a sentence or two together and actually communicate your thoughts and feelings through your mouth (sans the saliva swapping). Say the right thing and you’ll get exactly what you want. Say the wrong thing and you could end up old and alone with six cats and hairy palms collecting stamps or something. No pressure.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
In the market for someone or something new? Then why not try Confidence, now with a new lemon twist! It’ll have you walking tall and attracting mates within minutes. Use it every day for a shine no one can resist.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
What, you think you’re in Cirque de Soleil or something? Your juggling skills may be pretty good, but sooner or later one or more of those hearts is going to hit the floor. And those stains are a bitch to get out.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your heart will be telling you to make your move, your brain will be telling you to slow down, and your cynicism will be telling you to lay off the Cheese Whiz. Don’t be a cliché, just be yourself: this week, that means not overreacting, working hard, and saying nice things about us.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will sing karaoke this week and make at least one audience member fall in love with you. Then, you will do a shot with your adoring fan. If you stick to the plan, you will be making out in the back before sun-up or before the drinks wear off, whichever comes first. Then you will go home. Then you will go to sleep. (We’re just guessing about this whole sleeping thing.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone who is already attached may try to tempt you. If this person is truly interested in a relationship, he or she will terminate their current one before starting up with you. If this person is only interested in sex, he or she will simply tell you they’re interested in a relationship eventually, and you will naively believe them.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Working out? Check balancing? Toe-nail trimming? Pshaw, we say. It’s July! Relax with a tall cold one on the beach. You’re emanating that special something this week, and it’s thus an awfully good time to find a mate. In fact, it would be a crime against nature to waste all that pheromone activity on something as dull as personal hygiene or finances. (Don’t you just love it when we tell the angel on your other shoulder to take a well-deserved week off?)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
What you want and what you get are likely to be two different things. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. Translation: Your pet is not a healthy substitute for human contact.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will be hard to catch but fun to play with. Kind of like the little frogs that come out at night after a rain in Florida. Just be careful you don’t get caught by a local science teacher who’s got ulterior motives.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will find it difficult to contain the way you feel this week (kind of like Tom Cruise). Someone will catch your eye and steal your heart (unfortunately, they won’t have the looks of Katie Holmes). Be careful not to move too fast or you may end up being made a fool of (meaning, years later idiot bloggers will still be making fun of you for it).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Someone’s going to attempt to pull the wool over your eyes in an attempt to get you naked. Hey, ignorance is bliss!