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Bad Sex Advice at the Local Car Wash

Fri, Aug 27, 2010

Books, Pop Culture

photo by jcestnik

Normally we don’t bother covering books that we think are terrible, but every now and then we can’t resist. There’s a book available for sale at a car wash (seriously) in L.A. called WTF? How to Survive 101 of Life’s Worst F-ing Situations. (That’s the name of the book, not the car wash, by the way.) And it turns out that one of life’s “worst f-ing situations” is when your girlfriend wants to be exclusive. Another f-ing disaster is when she wants to get a little kinky in the bedroom. It’s as if the authors are actually trying to piss us off. And it worked.

We’d like to be bigger people and not give this book the attention it clearly doesn’t deserve, but we’re childish and immature and instead we’re going to quote two passages from the book to prove how right we are. We¬†might consider forgiving the authors if they were funny, but they’re not. So there.

The WTF Approach to Curbing the F-ing Kink

Option #1: Have Less Sex

The only way to make normal, “vanilla” sex exciting — or even worth doing — is to do it less often. Go on a trip, get sick, or just tell her that you have a headache. This will make her want sex more and appreciate any kind — even the boring kind that you’re capable of giving. However, there’s a risk with this strategy. She might feel that you are less interested in her, and therefore spend more time trying to seduce you in extra-kinky ways, such as lying on the coffee table spread eagle when you get home — with a bald eagle in her lap.

Option #2: Give Her to the Gardener

If you really can’t satisfy her appetite for wacky sex, find someone who can. Make the gardener or pool boy or your driver screw her silly. You might as well pay people to handle¬†all your chores.

Option #3: Develop a Disgusting Fetish

One way to bring her kink down to a manageable level is to become too kinky yourself, thus scaring her into regular sex. If you are unseemly hairy or fat, wearing a simply lace teddy will turn down her kink in a heartbeat.

Read the rest of this post at SUNfiltered

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6 Responses to “Bad Sex Advice at the Local Car Wash”

  1. also need some Says:

    Oh great! Finally someone had the balls to encourage men to play mind games and fuck with us emotionally! Just what all young men have always needed! Makes a great stocking stuffer for all the men in your life!

    *sarcastic bitchy response

  2. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I haven’t read the book, maybe it’s an attempt at sarcasm? If not, then this excerpt “This will make her want sex more and appreciate any kind ‚ÄĒ even the boring kind that you‚Äôre capable of giving.” end quote, seems to let us know that the author is not capable of pleasuring a woman. So, he lets her suffer so she will “appreciate” his lame type of boring vanilla sex.

    Really, the best thing to do with a man like this is leave him for someone who is just as boring.

    I thought most guys LOVED kink!

  3. emandlo Says:

    Madamoiselle L: We *think* it might be an attempt at sarcasm… but we’re not sure which is worse: a book-length attempt at unfunny saracasm, or an entire book of bad advice like this!

  4. Dannie Says:

    For the sake of my own sanity, I choose to believe that it is extremely ineptly executed sarcasm, and then forget that this book exists. Problem solved! ;)

  5. Steve Says:

    Wait — who wants to dial down the kink? On what bizarre planet is that even a goal?

    *doesn’t get it*

  6. JLWPGH Says:

    The best case scenario is that;
    1. Anyone beyond Neanderthal would never buy it, and or the advice within.

    2. Book Store and a Car Wash. If you are only on this level, but have a car worth driving (and Washing). Drive to a Library. Then go home and Wax and Buff your mind and self; Philosophically.

    3. At least you Read emandlo, right. I love you ladies. You help this single man 2B.


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