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How to Negotiate a Night of Casual Sex

Thu, Aug 19, 2010

Advice, How To

photo by Helga Weber

We have nothing against casual sex so long as everyone is being safe and the casual nature of the sex is completely mutual. And “mutual” is where things get tricky. May we introduce you to the concept of a prenook? This is the casual-sex equivalent of the prenup. The pre-nook is more about honest communication than the literal presence of a fifteen-page signed document—it verbally outlines both party’s intentions and expectations. If you have absolutely zero interest in seeing someone again, it would be wrong to lure them home with promises (even implicit promises) of a beautiful relationship. And if you think your booty call partner is just hanging in there in the hope of converting you into a boyfriend or girlfriend, you must retire that booty call number ASAP.

There is no one-size-fits-all pronouncement that secures a prenook—after all, “Let’s have a one-night stand” or “Let’s explore every inch of each other’s bodies and then pretend we don’t know each other in the morning” or “Is it okay if I never call you again?” will kill the mood for most people. That said, any of these lines—as with cheesy pick-up lines—might work if spoken with the right dose of humor.

A prenook is kind of like porn: You know it when you see it. Be honest, ladies and gentlemen: Usually you can tell when someone is falling hard for you. These people have most definitely not signed your prenook. (If they’re a really good liar and manage to convince you otherwise, the heartbreak is on them.) But if you screw up and “accidentally” (riiiight) go home with someone who wants to go for a long walk in the park the next morning, do not lie to make a quick escape. Do not say you will call unless you plan on it. Tell them you had an awesome time and that maybe you’ll see them around. Feel free to high-five if the moment feels right.

By the way, in certain sexed-up circumstances (say, spring break in Cancun, or a swingers’ convention in Tampa), the prenook goes without saying. At times like these, the implicit promise is that you will get laid, and you will get laid tonight. Therefore, a spring break prenook operates in reverse: a) You must fess up before getting to the bedroom if you suffer from erectile dysfunction, and b) you must provide a heads-up if all you’re in for is a kiss and a cuddle (though it goes without saying that anyone can change their minds as to how far they are willing to go at any point—we’re talking to you, date rapers). The reverse prenook allows the recipient to look for their jollies elsewhere, should they so desire.

This is from our bi-weekly Metro column — read it in print here

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5 Responses to “How to Negotiate a Night of Casual Sex”

  1. Lily Says:

    I need to start practicing prenooking. Recently went on a date with a guy I had met in a bar. We got along swimmingly and he seemed to be a nice and polite gentleman, but there was not enough there for me to crush on his personality, just his swell looks. At the end of the date, I think we both knew it was going to be a one off. I’m thinking to myself that since this man is in his mid thirties, perhaps he is decent enough to handle the one night stand with some maturity. So I accept his ‘come over for tea’ proposal and we end up at his apartment where we have mind blowing sex. In the morning, after the last shag session, his politeness goes out the window and he starts to act like a douche, dropping little ‘negs’ and insults, presumably so I will understand that what happened was not the start of a relationship. At this point, he makes no effort to dress down his apparently enormous ego. As I start gathering my things to get the fuck out of there, I discover Neil Strauss under his bed. How tacky.

  2. Johnny Says:

    A post-sex neg? Everybody knows that’s supposed to happen before… uh… I mean… yeah, gross. He read that dumb Neil Strauss book? What a dork.

  3. JLWPGH Says:

    I have never had a one night stand. I have always wanted to pick up a gal, but I have never had the luck (when I was single). I have had only two women in my life. I am divorcing now. (we grew apart, no one cheated). What happens, happens. I would enjoy someone new. You spent and enjoyed time together. For anyone to treat you unkindly and criticize you. That is the risk of knot really knowing who you are with. Be careful out there and be smart about your health. The right partner, a respectful one, will come your way. Some guys are just jerks and would not know someone good for them or a positive spin to make of things. I hope, but I doubt he will learn something from it. I wish you the best.

  4. Hotchkiss91 Says:

    I blame religion for this it’s shunned to go out and have sex with someone you barely know now-a-days which it shouldn’t be. they should make a a place in every major city (like a bar or a club) where people who might want a one night stand but are not looking for a relationship can go without being shunned or at least a way of marking yourself when you go to a bar or a club that shows you are not interested in a relationship, again without being shunned by the rest of society and on that subject people who shun things in general need to mind your own business, it has nothing to do with you why do you care? although i have never had any issues with one night stands i cant say for sure that my female counterparts didn’t want something more then just the sex I’m not psychic i don’t know what they think but i have never made promises of commitment so the fault cant lay entirely with me

  5. Anonymous Says:

    A nieghbour persued me for 6 months then I had disapointing sex with him. We had a big attraction for each other. I asked him to explain and he texted back “Nothing to explain” and does not talk to me anymore. I am very heartbroken and traumatised. That is no way to treat women.


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