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The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Mon, Aug 16, 2010

Books, Pop Culture

We’ve been a fan of¬†Kristen Schaal’s since she played super-fan Mel on the awesomely genius show Flight of the Conchords. (If you’ve never seen it, stop reading this post immediately and add it to your Netflix queue. But come back!) She’s now a correspondent on The Daily Show, where her boyfriend Rich Blomquist is a writer, and they’ve written a book together called The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex. As you might have guessed, it pokes (heh) fun at the sex-writing biz. But we can take it. Really, we can. Just to prove it, here’s an excerpt — a 12-step guide to being a bad girl, a.k.a. a toad-licking crazy girl. And yes, for the record, we know that kink and crazy are not the same thing. But that doesn’t mean that they’re not occasional bed partners.

Want to win a FREE copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex? We have one copy to give away, and it goes to the person who posts our favorite comment in the feedback section below (so don’t forget to include a working email address in the email box in the comments submission form — don’t worry, only we’ll be able to see it).

“Be a Bad Girl” by Kristen Schaal & Rich Blomquist, authors of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Is there any truth to the rumor that crazy girls are more fun in bed? There’s only one way to find out: get your psycho insane freak on! A relationship can only become interesting when it’s unpredictable and dramatic. So pull down that halter top and unpack those daddy issues, it’s time to take your man for a wild ride.¬†Follow these twelve taboo steps that will have him too scared to say no:

STEP 1: SURPRISE HIM!

Men loved to be surprised, especially if it’s his penis being surprised by a warm mouth under his desk in the middle of work. Sneak out of bed at 3 am and hide in his office until it’s time to make your move. Even if his satisfied moans get him fired, you’ll still be inducted into the Bad Girl Hall of Fame.

STEP 2: SCARE HIM

A good scare gets the heart racing, and that means the blood is getting to his penis even faster. Mug him in the parking lot. Wear a mask and carry a gun and ask for all his money. Then order him to give you all his penis money. If he’s confused, make him dance by shooting bullets at his feet just as a bad girl does. Then have your way with him in the car. After he realizes that it was you all along he will be scared of you, but more important, he’ll respect you.

STEP 3: PEE ON HIM

This is a great way to tell him you’ve lost control of your mind and your bladder. While you’re doing it, be sure to look him directly in the eye so he knows that you know that the toilet is only a few feet away and you don’t even care.

STEP 4: CUT YOURSELF

Tell your man that you’re upset you haven’t fused your spirits together with a blood ritual the way your parents did when they were young. Slice each other’s palms with your trusty switchblade, then drink each other’s blood. If he still isn’t turned on, whip up a batch of blood margaritas. When you are done making love, say that cuddling is boring and carve his name into his chest. Every time he looks in mirror he will remember who he is and that he has a real spark plug for a girlfriend.

STEP 5: MAKE UP A SWEAR WORD

Everyone says “fuck.” It’s become almost inoffensive as the word “celery.” But if you make up a word, like burtcod, and tell him that it means to fuck hard all night long, then you have a secret code between the two of you that is filthy dirty. And nothing’s more enjoyable than talking like a sailor in front of Grandma with your very own foreign tongue. “Pass the asparagus, Grandma, I need all the energy I can get tonight to burtcod.”

Read the rest of the excerpt on SUNfiltered

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5 Responses to “The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex”

  1. Ben Says:

    Sounds like a Tuesday for Angela and Brad.

  2. Maria Says:

    Omg, All I had to see was Kristen Schaal on the cover to know that this book is going to be insanely funny. Love the humor in the excerpt! I love that you guys mentioned FOTC…crazy hilarious band/show! I love emandlo!! I must have this book…!

  3. August Says:

    I’m going to do all of these. On Wednesday night, when it’s business time. In my business socks.

  4. dae Says:

    So after surprising him with a gun and anal play, while covered in feces, urine and blood, while raving about the union of our spirit animals and the names of our future children, while continually referring to our actions as “furburting”, a proposal and a rep as a “crazy girl” should be a sure thing, right?

  5. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Most of this was funny. “Cut yourself.” Not so funny.


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