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Wise Guys – What Do You Think of the “Woman Comes First” Expectation?

Tue, Aug 3, 2010

Advice, Wise Guys

hat from Zazzle.com

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks,”What do guys think of the ‘women come first’ expectation in bed? Embrace it? Hate it? And why?

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): We think it’s great – especially when there are no women in bed! Kidding aside, does every woman have that expectation?  I doubt it.  I would think the expectation would be more like “This is not a one-way street and I expect to have a good time too.”  Come first, second, hell even third, it doesn’t matter so long as sex is still a fun and enjoyable experience.  Anyone who comes and goes can just keep going. Right out the door. And hopefully off a cliff.

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): I propose a new standard of expectation where not only does the woman come first, but comes second and third and fourth… A guy should be prioritized in bed too, but often times if he comes first then the girl most likely doesn’t come back! Coming together for the greater good is, of course, ideal, but that’s only achieved by the rare few with impeccable timing.

Straight Married Guy (David Felsen): When I was in college, a woman hurled abuse at me when I held a door open for her. She told me I was repressing her. Did I mention she went to Bryn Mawr? Is it fair to say then that letting a woman go or come first in bed is sexist? Of course not, I was just looking for an excuse to tell that Bryn Mawr story. I do think it is only proper for a man to let the lady go first if she so desires, however keep in mind that the moment things get started most men turn into reptiles and all bets are off.

Honorary Wise Guys (Em & Lo): Um, we just had to butt in when none of our above esteemed Wise Guys mentioned the following: Women can stay aroused for a while after an orgasm (unlike most men), which is what allows some of them to have multiple orgasms. Also, the engorgement of the entire clitoris (which extends throughout the genital region, including around the vaginal opening) that results from orgasm can often make intercourse more pleasurable for her. So for these reasons, we think “Women come first” is a good policy to embrace, at least more often than not.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen; our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter; and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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13 Responses to “Wise Guys – What Do You Think of the “Woman Comes First” Expectation?”

  1. sugarmag Says:

    It takes me a long time to “get there” and a lot of the time I don’t come at all but it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy having sex. I do! I love sex whether or not I orgasm and I do not want my orgasm to be a thing that has to be accomplished. I do not think sex should be so goal oriented and if I try too hard I may never get there. What I don’t want is for my partner to be frustrated waiting for me.

    I have explained all of this to my partner and so we spend a lot of time doing things that feel good to both of us and he takes his time with things that might get me there, but he doesn’t make a big deal about it either way. I appreciate that because I wouldn’t like it if he got frustrated waiting for me.

    I suspect I am not the only woman who sometimes has a hard time coming. When I do, it’s awesome! It’s just that my partner and I are ok with it when I don’t.

  2. Freida Says:

    I don’t think we need any more “advice” from David Felsen, thanks.

  3. Mo Says:

    “The woman comes first” is the way we do things in my relationship. If Boyfriend comes before I do, there is no possibility of me coming after that. We’ve tried and it usually results in him going down on me. That’s fine, but I love when we both come; it makes me feel good that I have reached that point of pleasure, but I also take pride in the fact that I am able to make him come. I never used to come from sex until Boyfriend. Now I do 99.9% of the time and couldn’t be happier. As long as I come first… in every sense of the term :)

  4. kuchulu Says:

    thank you, em & lo!

    it just makes sense, not because woman are selfish or would think less of a guy. if i wait too long, it becomes exponentially harder for me to come, if at all, which means more work and disappointment all around.

  5. Shewolf68 Says:

    No direct offense but maybe we need a single straight guy with more cred than Tyler Barnett. No offense kid! I saw him on the millionaire matchmaker and I don’t think this guy has the chops to speak of such things with authenticity. Too young, too shy with Women (as from what i saw on the show.)

    Truth is…if the guy comes first…he’s basically biologically done. We women are a tricky lot and it can take some work to get a woman “there,” so a guy should stay aroused until after she has ‘got hers’ then if she isn’t interested in seconds or thirds…then he can finish it up! I’ve never had a problem with this yet!

  6. Stella Says:

    My boyfriend can’t come unless I do. He just mentally can’t get there until he’s given me several orgasms lucky for him and me I’ve never had any problems reaching climax. I do feel kinda guilty sometimes though because I come anywhere from 2-8 times everytime we have sex and he only gets to come once :(

  7. nick Says:

    even if a guy comes first. there is NO reason at all that he can’t use other techniques to get her to come as well.
    who ever comes first,,, good for them..

    In the past. even if i come first i have no problem continuing to work on getting her there aswell

  8. greg Says:

    My greatest pleasure is knowing I am pleasing my wife, so 9 of 10 times she cums first, and we are both fine with that…I have learned that 95% of my pleasure is giving her pleasure, when she’s happy i’m happy. It makes for a long happy marriage

  9. BCofUIMhere Says:

    I’m with you @sugarmag, although if I can get to the first one, multiple ones will follow. For me, it all depends on having a partner who’s “up to the challenge.”

    IMHO, if each partner is vested in the other’s pleasure, it’s all good.

  10. pik Says:

    i have to go with sugarmag on this one. it is often difficult or even impossible for me to reach orgasm, and a lot of the time i’m actually okay with that. i don’t WANT to get off every single time no matter what! to be honest, when a guy tries and tries to get me off first it is often too frustrating to enjoy. i don’t need the pressure or the expectation – otherwise one or both of us feel like we’ve failed somehow. and isn’t the journey supposed to be at least as good as the destination?

    if i am going to get off in a particular session, and my guy gets off first – that’s totally fine. as long as he doesn’t just roll over snd start snoring. even a sleepy and spent guy can hold a vibrator for me!

    really, it’s more about consideration than timing. as long as everyone feels satisfied (which does not necessarily mean having an orgasm) that’s all that matters.

  11. Lamia Says:

    I prefer to come first because if he does, then his tip is too sensitive and we can’t continue. Unfortunately for me, I cannot be fingered and I rarely come during oral sex.

  12. Carmen Says:

    Funny thing, this question. When my wife comes first, she goes right to sleep – she’s completely spent and has no energy to do anything for or to me.

    With my other partners, though, getting them off leaves them more relaxed, more open, and more enthused about additional sex.

  13. JLWPGH Says:

    Ladies first. Been that way since I was 15. Now 46. And I have given 1000% more than I ever received. There is nothing more I would rather do, than please her. Until I am told to stop or I am about to burst. I can’t reload like I once could. But, my tongue and fingers have never gone limp. Satisfy them, that is what is all about. I am the luckiest man in the world to be in bed with someone that wants me with them.


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