Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: ” What’s the best way to turn down a guy who you’ve been on a date or two with, but don’t want to go on any others?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Tell him you and your ex-boyfriend have decided to get back together. This way you’ll get rid of him without making him feel bad about himself.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Be honest, open, and direct, for the love of god. Girls are always afraid of hurting guys’ feelings, so instead they torture us with hints and clues. Ladies: we won’t get the message unless you come right out and say it. Don’t be subtle, don’t send signals, and don’t leave the door open a crack. You don’t have to be insulting or degrading, just be clear. What does a man say when his doctor returns with bad test results? “Just give it to me straight, doc.”
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): The most gracious way is also maybe the most practical. You want to say some variation on “I wouldn’t have gone out with you the first time if I didn’t like you. I wouldn’t be saying no now [i.e. instead of just disappearing] if I didn’t respect you.” The point being to make it clear it you didn’t make a mistake saying yes the first time, and that not being a perfect match for you doesn’t make him a loser. That’s the gracious part.
The practical part is that men start learning as early as fairy tales that we have to be persistent, to never take no for an answer, to strive and achieve, and if we just work at it long and hard enough we’ll always “win over” the reluctant girl in the end. Letting him down with ego intact makes it less likely that he’ll try redoubling his effort to win you over. If he can walk away feeling respected he’ll be more likely to respect both you and your decision.