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Dear Em & Lo, Should I End This Relationship?

Wed, Sep 22, 2010

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

photo by indy_slug

Dear Em and Lo,

I have been dating this guy for about 3 years now. All was great, with the occasional mishaps for a while. We were more compatible than I ever thought possible. Unfortunately within the past 9-12 months things have not quite been right. Little things about him bother me (his sense of humor has begun to offend me, he “jokingly” insults me) and I am just not attracted to him at all any more. I can’t stand the thought of being with him, let alone having sex with him. I used to be okay with his relationship with his mother – although it did bother me, I used to be able to look past their unusual closeness… And now I’ve noticed he and his parents are actually… dare I say it… racist.¬† Not to mention his dad is a bit on the sexist side and he has picked up these habits as well. I’m getting ready to start my senior year at college and want to focus on myself and my life to come, and not have to worry about HIM… Unfortunately we live on the same dorm hall and can’t not see each other. I desperately want out of this but am so lost as to how to leave… Do I just deal with it until the we graduate and tell him it’s over then and go about my life? The advice I’ve gotten from family is to just do my own thing and hope he comes around to my view… but I don’t know if I can wait that long…PLEASE HELP!!

–Confused in College

Dear CiC.,

We love the easy questions, and this is one of them:

END IT NOW!

Simple as that. You are obviously not happy. And you didn’t put one redeemable thing about your boyfriend in the note above. As you tell it, he’s a rude, sexist, racist mama’s boy whom you have no desire to be around, let alone have sex with. Your letter is one big attempt to convince yourself to break up with him. If you need someone else to give you permission to do it so you don’t feel so guilty, well, then here it is: you may break up with him.

This isn’t a marriage, it’s a college relationship — and college relationships are about as solid and stable as Michele Bachmann’s grip on reality. Couples on campus uncouple all the time and then are forced to run into each other. Sure it’s awkward, but it’s manageable — just be civil, take different routes to classes and the cafeteria, avoid parties you know your ex will be at, don’t take his late-night drunken calls, surround yourself with people he’s not friends with, etc.

You should focus on yourself right now, you should have a good time your senior year, and you should not feel guilty about any of it. Just because you once upon a time, long, long ago had a decent relationship doesn’t mean you should now suffer through what’s turned into an absolutely miserable and unsalvageable relationship. Just be respectful and gentle and generous when you break up with him, but be firm and decisive. Make a clean break. And then move on. You’ll be so glad you did.

Tough lovers,

Em & Lo

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8 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo, Should I End This Relationship?”

  1. Dave W Says:

    Yeah, she didn’t mention the possibility of him becoming a stalker or otherwise making her life miserable, so that doesn’t appear to be too much of a concern of hers. But even if he did pull some crap, enduring that would still be preferable to staying in the relationship. Truthfully, once you’ve called out someone like that in your mind, being close with them is quite toxic.

  2. jenna Says:

    A bit of advice on the awkward meeting up in the hall way: You have to master the art of being aloof. Be polite and nice when you see him but not overly friendly. Don’t ever let him see you sweat even if you secretly are freaking out. If you play it cool long enough, you will eventually stop feeling as awkward when you see him. Good luck and remember that there is a person out there who will be perfect for you.

  3. Celi-kai Says:

    Oh my. This is when you begin to understand how far a once romantic relationship can turn sour… My advice is once you begin to feel insecure about a certain aspect in your relationship then you tend to see all other things wrong and stop seeing the good in that person at all. I think you see alittle glimpse of hope in him that’s why you asked this question… If you think he has the slightest idea to change then work it out with him. Never give up if you still want to try. Never say you don’t love a person anymore if you can’t live without them. But if all comes to the worst, dear you have your life to live. Cut him off. Have fun and enjoy your life.

  4. shawna Says:

    my daughter father and i have been together for nine years …still not married he says he love me and want to spend the rest of his life wit me …but i wanna get married and he dont

  5. melina maier Says:

    dear shawna
    if ur child’s father does not which to marry u even though you’ve been together for 9 years that is bullshit.so i say give him and ultimatum, let him choose wat he wants and who he wants if doesn’t choose u then you’ll no from there wat to do

  6. kimmy Says:

    i know just what your feeling..i have been dating this guy from we where in high school..and four years later he is not the same person..and it makes me sad to know that he has changed. i want to spend the rest of my life with him but i don’t know if he wants that..well he says he wants that but his actions sometimes say otherwise. recently i got the chance to spend some time at his home when his mom was out of town..he told me that his mom was coming back on a particular day so i left i later found out that he was lying, his mom was not coming back for another week and a half he even told me that he went to the air port to get her and he did not. i called him several times and he said he was on his way so he will call me when he gets back home.when i confronted him about the lie he told me that he wanted me to leave his house because he wanted his space and he wanted to go out with his friends and he did not know how to tell me..both of us are sophomores in college, we both still live at home and we are often times busy with school..now this would be one of the few times that we could get to spend some real quality time with each other but he does not want that..i don’t no what to do anymore must i just leave him alone give him space??..someone please help i am in need of it desperately.

  7. Jazz Says:

    Kimmy leave asap he clearly doesn’t want to be with u and is worthless to be triying something that is already broken remember life is short

  8. tom Says:

    im in a relationship with a my childs father for 2 years. everything between us started going go until i got pregnant and then her started saying the baby is not his when i gave birth he took the baby as his but im still not happy what should i do


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