Em & Lo's RSS Feed Em & Lo's Daily Email Feed Be Our Facebook Friend! Follow Us on Twitter!

LEVI's on Amazon

Good Vibes Summer Lubes

Buy on Amazon Kindle!

Sandals on Amazon


5 Ways to Beat the Green-Eyed Monster

Thu, Oct 21, 2010

Advice, How To

image via Sukanto Debnath

Here are our top 5 tips for vanquishing the green-eyed monster. Or at least making friends with him.

  1. We know this is hard to control — chemistry being what it is — but your best bet is to date someone whose jealousy meter is about equivalent to yours. For example, let’s say you’re the type who thinks that exes belong in the past and that being friends with them — or even just being connected to them on Facebook — is a slap in the face to a current romantic partner. If you then start dating someone who wants to invite their former booty call to your wedding… well, you see how this goes. And vice versa. It’s not an impossible situation — hey, there’s always couples’ therapy! — but the more compatible you are in this department, the less of an issue this will be.
  2. Jealousy is totally normal but that doesn’t mean you have to give into it. In other words, don’t beat yourself up about feeling jealous — it’s completely natural, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about the relationship or whether or not your partner is cheating on you. But just because it’s natural doesn’t give you the right to throw plates across the room when your partner gets a text from someone other than their relatives. Much better, if you’re feeling jealous, to calmly tell your partner, “I’m having an insecure moment and need reassurance about where we stand.”
  3. Remember that what makes you jealous isn’t necessarily what will make your partner jealous. Maybe your blood boils when their head is turned by a scantily clad hottie at the beach. But maybe their blood boils when you mention how funny your ex was. Just because you think something isn’t a big deal, doesn’t mean your partner will agree — and vice versa.
  4. Try this exercise: If you’re ever feeling uncontrollably jealous — and you know it’s irrational — conjure a memory that you know would drive your partner crazy if you shared it. Don’t share it. We repeat, do not share it. Just recall the memory, and realize how little it impacts your current relationship, even though knowing about it would make your partner’s eyes burn green. Feel better now?
  5. We happen to think that a little bit of jealousy, in moderation, is a good thing — it reminds you how much you mean to each other. In other words, don’t always feel like you have to stifle the green-eyed monster: sometimes your partner might actually get a little thrill from hearing that you’re jealous. Did we mention this is in moderation only?

This column also appeared in Metro

, , ,

 

6 Responses to “5 Ways to Beat the Green-Eyed Monster”

  1. Diz Says:

    I feel that if jealousy comes from insecurity, which it usuaully does, and then maybe boils down to fear of abandonement or something, it is key to give yourself positive and universally loving thoughts like “there is an abundance of love in the universe” or “i am blessed to have a kind and thoughtful boyfriend who cares about his female friends, and he cares about me too”.

    I believe that we do not own one another. I feel that jealousy should be challenged, and not held close but instead looked at objectively as a reaction to the idea of ‘mine’. If one knows deep down that they are feeling insecure and over alert or paranoid, but really one knows it is their own issue, not that one’s partner is actually doing anything wrong (ie. being friend with an ex or spending time with opposite sex friends) then I feel it is important to repeat the mantras above or ones similar.

    This is something that takes a bit of practice and comes form Buddhist teaching about compassion. But boy, it totally makes sense to me when I break it down in this way. When I read this article on jealousy (see link below), I found it extremely thought provoking and it helped me to reflect and move forwards with some negative feelings I wasn’t able to shift otherwise…

    http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/en/archives/sutra/level3_lojong_material/general/dealing_jealousy.html

  2. Black Iris Says:

    By jealousy meter, do you mean overall level of jealousy or more how you interpret events around you?

    I don’t think you can completely find out beforehand what is going to bother you. Situations come up after you’ve been together a while. Things like Facebook get invented. Of course, if you have general agreement your relationship, that helps when new things come up.

  3. Black Iris Says:

    A slightly different thought – believe it or not, sometimes it can be frustrating if someone is not jealous.

  4. Black Iris Says:

    If I’m feeling insecure, what helps me is to focus on the ways my husband shows his love to me – the things he does for me and something nice he’s said before and how long we’ve been together, etc.
    It also helps me immensely that I am his one and only. I still feel jealous of silly things, but it tends to be something I can laugh at and let go of.
    I think if I thought about something he wouldn’t want to hear about right then, I’d just end up feeling guilty.
    Sometimes it helps to avoid dwelling on articles about celebrity cheating and how you have to watch out or your marriage will die, etc.

  5. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Unlike a lot of women, I don’t get jealous easily. My Man has never cheated on me, short of that happening, I see no reason to get upset if he looks at an other woman or even makes comments.

    We even play a game called “Would you do him/her?” Just with random strangers or people on TV, or acquaintances. It certainly doesn’t mean we’d DO it, but we talk about who we are attracted to.

    My Man is a huge flirt. If I can’t find him at a party or a bar, I look for the best looking woman in the room, most likely he’s talking to her. :) It’s all in good fun, and we always go home together. He’s been known to get jealous when he was younger, but seems to be secure enough in our relationship to know that we are together for a reason, and little would happen to change that.

    I simply feel secure enough to not really get upset if he finds other women attractive. I also find a lot of men attractive. It doesn’t effect our relationship and makes for some interesting conversation. In more than 20 years he’s never given me a reason to distrust him, and I have done the same for him. So, I think insecurity and a lack of playfulness is at the root of a LOT of jealously.

  6. poyetto Says:

    A healthy insecurity is at the heart of most jealousy; you SHOULD be jealous if your partner is always talking to the prettiest woman in the bar. Odds are, he will do her when the time is right-whether or not you think your relationship with him exists “for a reason”. Biology overtakes the best of us, like it or not. Maybe you should beware of all those red flags instead of thinking its all just playful.


Leave a Reply