photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Freedom, woah, freedom, that’s just some people talking: Your prison is walking through this world all alone. And so went a hundred thousand high school yearbook quotes. In the long run, we tend to be down with the Eagles’ pro-commitment philosophy. But if you commit to the wrong person, damn if it doesn’t feel like a prison. Resist the urge to wallow in your loneliness while listening to old Eagles’ albums this week, and save all that commitment until you’re sure you’ve found a worthy recipient.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you put on a homemade sandwich board which reads “Have open heart, will fall for you” and go cruising the stopped traffic at red lights, you will get you only one phone number, but you’ll score a lot of quarters for laundry.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You think you know, but you have no idea. We’re not talking about the next plot twist on “Heroes,” we’re talking about the inner workings of your heart. Don’t make any big decisions right now, ’cause you’ll only end up changing your mind and probably bumming someone out in the process. We can also tell you that the thing you were planning on doing with the heart-shaped cherry Jell-O mold is not a good idea.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in a take-it-or-leave-it frame of mind this week. Don’t think for one minute that you won’t get another chance to find someone who will treat you better. Then again, don’t think for a minute that you can change your mind if your thinking was flawed. Take or leave wisely.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There’s a problem, you solve it. A job needs doing, you do it. Some pipe needs laying, you lay it. These are all very attractive qualities that will get you some nice attention this week. Of course, you’ll be too busy doing odd jobs to notice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you’ll be all about the sensuous body language this week. Which sounds to us more like excruciating amateur performance art than a dating M.O., but on you, it probably works. You are a Virgo, after all. So do that sensuous thing you do so well and then start reelin’ ‘em in. Don’t forget the soft jazz and scented candles.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars say it’s best for you to play the field a little longer and avoid commitment. But they always say that about you. “Oh, Libra, you’re a free spirit, a wild animal who can’t be tamed, an exotic bird that needs to fly!” But we’re starting to wonder if that’s just a nice way of saying that you don’t know what the hell you want. Here’s a not-so-nice suggestion: Either poop or get off the pot.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We didn’t know the stars could be so shallow and money-hungry, but they’d like you to socialize at the more affluent establishments this week, where you can — and probably will — meet someone interesting, entertaining, and adventurous. Or at least obscenely rich. Even if your orifices don’t get filled, or at least filled well, maybe your pockets will.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If life was like reality TV, you’d be in the lead. Fortunately, it’s not, and your speed seduction act is scaring away the hotties. Slow down and stop with all the cheering and high-fiving, okay? Nobody’s watching. Nobody cares.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You know how you’ve been feeling slightly less commitment-phobic of late? Well, this is about as good as it gets. So jump now into the relationship, go go go go go go go go! Seriously, it’s like free-falling from an airplane: shit-scary for a few seconds and then freakin’ cool once the parachute opens. Of course, we’re not promising you won’t break a leg if you land awkwardly. . . geez, we can’t keep control of an extended metaphor for that long.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We know that telling you not to be jealous is like telling you to stop the sea coming in — but remember that a jealous outburst is about as effective as building a sandcastle to turn the tide. You can drag a horse to the ocean but you can’t make it wear suntan lotion. Or something like that.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Things will get better as the week progresses. Try to have patience if the person you’ve been jonesing for hasn’t been too receptive. We hate to say it, but if you play a little hard to get, it will probably help. We’re stopping short of suggesting you send yourself flowers with a saucy little card from your imaginary luvva in the hopes that your true beloved sees this and suddenly realizes that yes, you are the person they are supposed to marry, mate, grow old with, and die next to.