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A Guide to Orgasm Etiquette

Wed, Dec 8, 2010

Advice, How To

We hope we don’t need to point out that just one orgasm, for one partner, is not the finishing tape of a sex run. Instead, think of sex as a three-legged race — your partner can neither compete nor cross the finish line without your help, and vice versa. Each partner should make a concerted effort to satisfy their partner before throwing the towel in.

Because a woman’s post-orgasmic resolution phase is slower and more gradual than a man’s, it makes sense that her orgasm come first: she can often continue to receive and enjoy stimulation, including penetration, long after her first O. In fact continued attention may result in multiple orgasms for a few lucky bitches…excuse us, women. In contrast, men who have climaxed first may consequently struggle against their own quicker resolution and its attendant urges toward sleep and TV watching. However, this is no excuse for shirking sexual responsibility. Men can and should continue to pleasure their female partner until she is satisfied (whatever “satisfied” means to that individual).

A word of caution, though: The only thing worse than a man who does not care about a woman’s orgasm is one who cares about it to the exclusion of all else. This is the man who heads downtown and vows not to come up for air until his girlfriend does her best Meg Ryan. He approaches handwork like weeding (“Must. Dig Up. Orgasm!”) and swears, in dulcet tones an octave lower than his usual voice, that he is dedicated to “female pleasure.” He wants to be a super-lover — his ego depends upon it. He covets her orgasms like a Boy Scout covets merit badges. While the intention is indeed admirable, all that pressure can leave a woman wishing she had just played golf instead. Plus, giving her performance anxiety is the best way to ensure she won’t reach orgasm. Don’t worry guys, you won’t lose your “Sensitive Guy” merit badge if you believe her when she says that she’s happy with the sex for sex’s sake, and you give up graciously. Sometimes, the fat lady simply will not sing. But that doesn’t mean everyone can’t still enjoy the show.

Of course, straight gals aren’t the only ones whose orgasms occasionally go missing. Lesbians and men (both gay and straight) are mere mortals too. Sure, men’s equipment is fairly straightforward and therefore more easily manipulated. However, factors that may inhibit “the little death” — dry skin, urge to pee, spinning room, trouble at the office — are not always discriminating. And of course there’s always a chance that — stop the presses! — he might not be in the mood.

No matter who you are, if you find yourself unable to O, never apologize. Don’t blame your partner or yourself for this perceived “failure”; so long as you both enjoyed yourselves, that’s all that counts. Most importantly, do not fake it. Many women and men (yes, men) think that putting in an Oscar-winning performance is simply the nice thing to do. However, like any deception, this leads to no good. You may ultimately find yourself backed you into an orgasmless corner, forced to keep up the charade because of your partner’s heightened expectations, unable to openly explore different techniques with them that may ultimately work. Everyone needs their little secrets, but ones about your sexual needs should not be kept from your lover. As long as you sincerely express your thorough enjoyment of your partner’s oral acumen or anal ability, there is no need for garish displays of false ecstasy.

But what if you can’t tell whether their “Oh, yeah, oooh, uh, more, oh, yeah, baby, god!” is an expression of thorough orgasmic enjoyment or simply thorough enjoyment? While we don’t recommend making it a topic of conversation during your session, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask your partner, post-romp, if they climaxed. After all, people’s orgasms come in all manner of shapes, sizes, and expressions. Asking shows that you care about their satisfaction, and may help you better provide for them in the future. Just try to avoid the cliched, “How was it for you?”

This article also appeared in EdenFantasys’ Sexis

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One Response to “A Guide to Orgasm Etiquette”

  1. figleaf Says:

    Best post ever! Most important sexpert tip ever. Thanks!

    Best snarky indictment ever: “He approaches handwork like weeding (‘Must. Dig Up. Orgasm!’)”

    I used to be so obsessed with “giving” my partners orgasms. And while I’m pretty good at it (the upside of obsession) I also turned a lot of very promising sex into little more than chores. For both of us. Then, way too late, I was on one of those orgasm-killing medications for a little more than a year and… it mildly disappointed my partner that I never came but otherwise my sex life was at least as good as ever and maybe better.

    At which point it finally penetrated all the bone in my head and I realized that if it was still great for me it was probably still great for others too. Whereupon I finally, for the first time in my life, stepped off the “she comes first” obsession.

    It doesn’t mean “she comes first” isn’t still great advice, and for the reasons you mention. But “great advice” is often mistaken for “absolute rule that must never be broken or she’ll never want sex with you again.” And that turns sex into survival.

    Another best point: “In fact continued attention may result in multiple orgasms for a few lucky bitches…excuse us, women.”

    Yes! Yes! If men turn women’s orgasms into the holy grail then “multiple orgasms” become the fountain of youth. No, wait, “squirting” becomes the fountain of youth. But you know what I mean: it’s something extra special guys “know” every woman could and should do… but only if he deserves it. In reality I’ve noticed only around half the orgasmic women I know are ever able to have the endless crescendo orgasms Cosmo, Esquire, and porn insist all women should. And only maybe half the remainder have second ones. And expectations notwithstanding, most have been perfectly happy with the ones they have. (Dirty secret: “Premature ejaculation” isn’t just for men and boys — nobody talks about it but like stereotypical men some women who come once also come very, very quickly. At which point they too are often ready to roll over or watch tv whether their partner is done or not.)

    Sigh. Did I already mention I loved this post?

    Nice work you two.

    figleaf


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