photo by jekert

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)

Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: “Don’t settle for anything less than someone who can stimulate you intellectually, challenge you, lift you up, and inspire you.” Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Resolve to never forget that, despite the dodgy suit jackets and bad hair days, the Supremes got it right: You can’t hurry love.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a “Why don’t you all just go screw yourselves” mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting. Unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the price of mistletoe and how to stop a tree from shedding its needles.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can’t always get what you want. And sometimes, when you don’t, you have a tendency to punch, kick, scream, and bite. Let’s work on some self-control issues this year.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s time to conquer your fear of all things sensual: start with candles, work up to soft jazz and bubble baths — by the end of the year you could be an expert in erotic massage!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In Pedro Almodovar’s Talk to Her (his perviest, most disturbing — yet somehow sweetest — film), a man is asked, “Are you single?” and he responds, “Yes, I’m alone.” Which is kind of how you’ve been feeling lately: “One is the loneliest number,” and all that claptrap that seems so much more depressing when you don’t have a date for New Year’s Eve. But maybe your attitude isn’t helping. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This year, do not shag the married, the recently dumped, the commitment-shy, the strange (both weird and unknown: get to know them first) or the gay (unless you’re gay, in which case, don’t date the straight).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. It’s the holidays — everyone’s too stuffed with crescent rolls and eggnog to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex this year: 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would I be just as happy with a game of chess?

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: “Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?” We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Especially when you’ve got no steak at home. You’re thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, swiss cheese, bacon, mushrooms, special sauce — the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one’s making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat — so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and gentials) a break. And after that palate cleanser, we suggest you make it your New Year’s resolution to make like Paul Newman and find a dish to call your own.

photo by plindberg
We hope you have a great Christmas Day! And if you don’t have someone to play footsie with under the holiday dinner table, then make the most of getting to wear your George Costanza stretch pants for over-indulging. Either way, here’s hoping there’s something saucy and battery-operated in your stocking…or at least a nice new pair of undies. We’re taking today off, but we’ll be back with our regularly scheduled program on Monday. Joy to the world!

photo by belgianchocolate

• YourTango: The 10 most common holiday fights and how to avoid them.
• LemonDrop: What to do when you only have the “weird feeling” he’s cheating.
• TheFrisky: The Frisky staff shares what’s in their spank bank.
• CollegeCandy: Dating for 18 months without saying “I love you.”
• TomFoolery: Don’t let a sexting typo ruin your holiday.
• EdenFantasys’ Sexis: The naked reader Twitterotica contest!
• TresSugar: The 10 best Betty White quotes of 2010.

A Japanese (who else?) company has invented a special kneeling toilet stool — two styles available! — which facilitates splash-free urinating by the male(s) in your life. Because sometimes, the real secret to domestic bliss is a peaceful shared bathroom experience. Well, that and a lot of reciprocated oral sex.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

photo by Orin_Zebest

Our contributor Katherine Chen, who is a junior English major at Princeton University (check out her personal site here), is penning a series of confessions for EMandLO.com collectively called “The Virgin Diaries.” Here’s her seventh installment:

A few months ago, I was interviewing a relationship doctor for an online women’s magazine I was then contributing to. The doctor, who was leading a series of private workshops in New York City for single women, claimed her advice applied universally to “all women, every woman.” The first tidbit she offered was that women should always dress femininely on dates, especially the first one. Men, she asserted over the telephone with a slight click of her tongue, do not want to see a woman wearing pants on any romantic occasion. “Wear a skirt or just a dress!” she said, and after a short pause in which I was busy jotting down notes, she added, “with some jewelry and makeup. You can’t forget the makeup.”

Though the interview ended on a positive note, I hung up the phone feeling pangs of dismay and dread. According to this doctor, women who wore high heels, powdered their faces, and sprayed on chock loads of floral perfume were more likely to get hitched than women who, well, did none of the above. Of course, I fall into the latter category, with my loose t-shirts (most of which are attained at free giveaway events and school occasions), comfortable jeans, and old sneakers. I haven’t worn makeup since the eighth grade prom, and incidentally, feel less confident with makeup on than without. I dislike standing in front of the mirror for too long, and while I consider my appearance well-kept and clean, I am no Carrie Bradshaw. No, not even a Miranda Hobbes.

In addition to the out-of-character fashion statements the good doctor would have me make, she recommended flirty behavior, which has never come naturally to me. And then there was the concept of “actively seeking.” She insisted on having an assertive attitude and going out to as many bars and clubs as humanly possible to find a mate. Her logic was: the more dates you go on, the likelier it will be for you to find the perfect match. This meant stepping outside of your comfort zone, striking up conversations with strangers, and putting yourself on the line for flat-out rejection.

It was this third and final “seeking” tip that really brought back the agonizing memories from my high school days. When I was a junior, I had this huge crush on a senior who had just broken up with his childhood sweetheart. My friends encouraged me to take the first step in the relationship, which I did. Since he lived only three or four streets away from me, I innocently asked him if he would like to take a walk. We were always able to hold semi-long conversations at school, so I just assumed this would transfer naturally outside of the classroom. In short, it did not. He said something along the lines of, “I’m not sure what we would talk about while walking,” which quickly and definitively ended any hope of a relationship. He also had a friend of a friend inform me that he was uninterested in pursuing any kind of romantic relationship with me, just in case I hadn’t gotten the message already.

I didn’t give up on seeking out connections, though — not immediately, at least. On not one, but two more occasions did a boy I liked instruct his best friend to deliver the bad news, so as “not to hurt my feelings.” One young man decided to elude me by ducking behind a crowd whenever I passed him in the hallway. Another actually laughed in my face. After about the sixth instance of outright rejection, I gave up on dating entirely.

And talking with this doctor only confirmed my belief that the dating scene is just not for me. Why would I want to pretend to be someone I’m not? Why would I want to experience those painful rejections all over again? Especially from guys I’m not even sure I’m that into (which turned out to be the case in high school, considering how fairly quickly I was able to get over those six rejections). I don’t even really like the person I become when I’m dating someone: in the (very) few instances this has happened, I’ve lost sight of myself and my own interests. For example, a few years ago, when I started dating a Star Wars geek, I spent hours online, scanning Wikipedia pages, memorizing names, rewatching the movies, and trying to figure out the difference between Jango Fett and Boba Fett. I even wrote a few Fan Fiction-esque romance stories with Star Wars themes to impress the object of my affection. Unsurprisingly, all these efforts crashed and burned in the end when he discovered his Princess Leia somewhere else.

As alienated as I feel from the dating world, I still have fantasies of one day finding the perfect partner. This has, however, become such a remote concept over time that I wonder when, if ever, I will jump back into the dating world. In many ways, dating has become like sex to me: not only is it nonexistent in my life right now, but I have also built it up to such great heights that I’m terrified of being disappointed. I have no doubt in my mind that the longer I put it off, the harder it will be to jump back into the swing of things. But for now, it just seems easier, safer and a lot more comfortable to be an inactive seeker — in both departments.

photo by the_tahoe_guy

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions here once a week. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

I think that I get too wet by far. Is there anything that will help me lubricate less?

– My Love Is Like an Ocean

Dear MLILAO,

Lubrication during sex is a good sign (though not the only one) of how aroused you are. It tends to make intercourse more comfortable, and reduce injury to your vagina by reducing friction. But sometimes a little friction is a good thing, and you’re not the only woman who feels that she’s actually TOO wet during sex. Hormonal contraception (especially the birth control pill) reduces lubrication for some women. But there’s no powder or medication specifically designed to dry you out. Instead, try different positions that may increase friction (like keeping your legs together after he’s entered you). And don’t hesitate to keep a towel underneath you.

– Dr. Kate
Gynotalk

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.

It was supposed to be available in time for the holidays but, alas, Mojowijo won’t be out until the new year — to the great disappointment, we imagine, of sexually frustrated tech geeks who don’t get much sunshine in their basements. If you haven’t figured it out by now, Mojowijo is a teledildonics device. It transforms your Nintendo Wii remote control into a body stimulator (i.e. vibrator) that’s operated by someone remotely, whether in the same room or across the world.  The peeps at Mojowijo have told us, rather vaguely, that the product will be available in retail stores throughout the world as well as online. We’d tell you to hold your breath, but we don’t want any other body parts turning blue.

Read the full post on SUNfiltered

MORE GIFT IDEAS FROM EM & LO:

• Sensual Chocolate Treats
• A Vibrator Chess Set
• Jimmyjane’s Form 3
• Sex Books for People You’re Not Sleeping With
• 5 Non-Materialistic Ways to Give

photo via Autostraddle.com

• OMG DADT!!! Senate repeals the ban on gays serving openly in the military. About fucking time.
• New online-dating detectives can help you sort the Mr./Ms. Rights from the Mr./Ms. Convicted Felons, just in case your crim-dar is not working.
• Human Rights Campaign leases Harvey Milk’s former shop — and not everyone is a big fan of them selling Harvey Milk tote bags.
• Chloe Sevigny goes pantsless in Playboy and talks about sex and sex scenes… shocking exactly no one.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

photo by permanently_scatterbrained

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do straight guys ever have innocent “crushes” on other guys, like girls sometimes do with other girls?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I don’t understand straight men anymore.  Apparently the biggest change in answers to sexuality surveys in the last ten years has been in the number of straight guys who say, well, if I had a beer or two in me, and if he was attractive enough, sure, I’d go for him.  The man who says this is a creature who didn’t exist when I was growing up.  So I’m just flummoxed by the whole thing.

But if we’re talking about utterly Platonic feelings — like, you just super-admire the guy and want to spend time around him — then I guess sure.  But still I’d put my money on some identity issue.  Like, he displays some trait that you feel you lack, and being around him makes you feel like you have it. Or maybe you’re secretly gay and you just want him to fuck your brains out.

As I say, I’m flummoxed by the whole thing.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s common. I don’t think men always think of it in terms of “crushes,” but you see it often enough. Often it’s not obvious either to the man with the crush or to the man he’s got a crush for, even though it can be pretty obvious to other.

I don’t have a lot else to say about it except that, historically, innocent “man crushes” were perfectly acceptable. In ancient times it was commonly believed that passionate love could only exist between men. More recently, Abraham Lincoln’s very affectionate letters to his best friend and frequent roommate, Joshua Speed, were recently used to suggest Lincoln must have been gay. They might have been, but in keeping with the times (when campaigning politicians frequently found themselves literal backwoods boarding-house bedfellows with their opponents on literal, backwoods campaign trails), it’s even more likely their crushes were passionate but “innocent.”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Nope. We may admire or envy some guy for doing something awesome, but straight guys don’t have man crushes. Even with close friends, we never share clothes or call each other “BFF.” No guy understands how women can have those crazy close friendships, and we don’t even understand why women find men attractive — to straight guys, men are about as sexually appealing as a bathroom rug.

But I do think that a lot of guys have some latent homosexuality, and they probably have all sorts of feelings that I don’t have. Yesterday I saw a frat guy getting something out of his trunk, and when he leaned over his buddy pretended to bugger him, complete with hip thrusts, hand waving, and face gestures. That’s just gay.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo by the half-blood prince

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I’m in a fulfilling and happy long-distance relationship of several years. We see each other every weekend and talk everyday, but I rely on dreams and thoughts to stave off the withdrawal. However, I’ve had recurring dreams themed around my loving boyfriend abusing or hurting me in some way. In real life he’s beautiful and masculine. In my dreams he’s scary, intimidating, and either taking sexual advantage of me or mentally abusing me in some way. What could these mean? Am I subconsciously afraid of him? I have no reason to be. Every time I dream of him, it’s like this. He’s had tons of happy dreams of us making love, etc., whereas I have to wait until we see each other. I’m jealous!

Lauri: Have you been in an abusive relationship prior to your current one? If so, your dream shows that the distrust that was born in that previous relationship is alive and well and needs to be dealt with so your current relationship can continue and flourish. But if that is not the case then it is important to know that when someone we are close to in real life acts completely out of character in a dream, it is a good indication they are not playing themselves but are, instead, representing some part of our self.

In your case, it’s your boyfriend who is acting out of character, which means your dream is very likely showing you how you are treating yourself, possibly in regards to him. Do you mentally kick yourself for saying something to him you felt was stupid, for example? Or perhaps just in general you are too hard on yourself. Have you been beating yourself up lately? Are you too critical of yourself?

In other words, treat yourself as kind and as loving as your boyfriend treats you in real life. Your dream is showing you that you treating yourself badly is as absurd as your kind, loving boyfriend treating you this way. Someone as amazing as your boyfriend loves you, so you should love yourself too! When you ease up on yourself, these dreams will stop.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! And don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site.