Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em and Lo,

I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!

I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.

I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.

As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!

I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?

— Love from Snoopy

What should Snoopy do?


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34 Comments on "Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality"


Matt
8 months 3 days ago

by sticking to my own type, I can smell these types and fakes and flamers off the bat and even straight women who get pissed because many are open to it but I am not what they think and I do it because when I am with a bisexual woman on my level, I will check out a man, I am monogamous and love who I love but since she flirts with women sporadically and we are kind of militant so we are upfront about not being gay or straight because we are different and the gay community is a fucking joke… we can understand each other… it is nothing against straight gay or some bisexuals either, who are wives or attached to gay people and their never ending complaints. We also know that our community doesn’t fuck with anyone outside of our own sexually, are the lowest STD rates in the area out of everyone and we live peacefully and happily with no drama or anything that we can’t understand or relate to. I was with my ex Jessica for 5 years before she miscarried and went nuts and it was gone because I didn’t know her anymore and she is with another bi woman right now and Alex, the dude that used to be ready to throw down if we didn’t get called bi and the situation got violent. We met at a martial arts tournament and I was also a scrapper and bully already because everyone knew I was bisexual so the judo and weapons trophies and notes in the paper and beating serious ass when shit needed to be done, didn’t subject me to the part time faggot jokes. His deal was head trauma… these two girls with their faggot friend had a fit because I called myself bi and then called her fag basher friends once, we beat their asses and then jumped that flamer for saying “this is one hate crime I can’t wait to see”… It is because of those that jump outside of their orientation… chicks who are bi that date just straight dudes are just sluts who get no respect because the only reason straight men like them is “hot lezzie porn 3 somes” so the girls dislike them too…

Matt
8 months 3 days ago

I am a bisexual man, one of the unicorns. First, he is a jerk for cheating on you and don’t let him guilt you into letting him okay that. Those types are dangerous and they are also not to be trusted. I will also say, it seems like he leans more predominantly that way or he’s a closet homo. I know I fall in love and fall in love for the duration. If he is a closet gay man and comes out later on, understand he was never bi and please just judge the guy as a prick.

Don’t let tumblr social justice guilt you into feeling wrong for your anger. I am not gay and they are the ones who are in denial about their bad elements. I will be the first to say that bisexual men and the bimbo bi women are often novelty bisexuals or experimenting and in one way their experience is bisexual but I have experimented with many straight men and they are straight and it was technically bisexual behavior but it was a curiosity and I am responsible and am friends with the ones I have. I don’t disrespect their boundaries and privacy and gay men would tell the world and humiliate them.

Also, don’t bite the bait of “being bisexual is no different than being gay or straight” crap… if he is a male, engaging in sexual behavior with men from the net… it is too high risk… that is how they end up in the spot that they play the victim about later because they do what gay people do.

I personally only date my own orientation and they have to be very centered on that part of them because I am not a fan of those who do the “I am %/gay %/straight” self hating crap because that is self hate and you are failing at the entire point if you are going that route… The victim act worked for gays but they also made sure brokeback mountain was a hit because it shows what is accurately closet homosexuality but is seen as bisexual. And I can sense a real bi guy vs the pervs, curious, gay people faking it, or lying thinking one of us will date them… like the Mariah hands and lisp isn’t obvious.

It isn’t homophobic either… gay men are dirty and this bisexual breed, a slowly dying percentage thank goodness have the woman at home who is straight and a desperate lonely femme gay dude on the side who, “he has never gone that way for”… I had one date with one of those bisexuals, I told him to go to the gullible ones and hurt more of them because the particular section of town where our breed of bisexual doesn’t welcome that breed of bisexual at all because I saw him for what he was from the get go…

You have every right to know… and gay people, whether this is homophobic or not are infested with higher rates of STDs, they run trains on eachother are filthy, will suck off anyone off the side of the road and these types of bisexuals are just as fucking filthy and they are the homophobes and self hating bisexuals. I get very attractive, strong bisexual men who have a more hands on approach to homophobes and even mouthy ass bitchy flamers… and seriously, 95% of the time you are accused of homophobia it is a social pressure tool. Straight people are fucking decent… heck one of Matthew Shepard murderers in that hate crime was openly bisexual and it irritates me as a bisexual that gay people ignore that to guilt trip you guys who are more than polite. Plus, the truth is homophobic and biphobic sometimes. So “bisexuals”, real and otherwise, before you whine about stereotypes and discrimination, understand that this person and many people are hurt by the stereotype that we all hate and gay people fail because they bully people into tolerating the intolerable and we need to own up to this problem and confront it if we want an ounce of respect or else people will just be rewording shit with a sign of relief like they do with gay people.

I would personally dump them… I only got one once but we really look down on that type… trying too hard to fit into a gay/straight dynamic that we are not part of at all because being both is a 3rd category which is an umbrella in a sense but also neither one as far as identity goes so part of the problem is too many trying to have a place to have a throne and throw a pity party like they were an audience for with gay people.

Claire
8 months 18 days ago

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship has been quite rocky from the start and he treated me really badly in the beginning.
Our relationship initially started as a long distance one and I had to move countries and give up my studies to be with him. Before moving I asked him about his past and very specifically asked him all the things that I considered a deal breaker – being gay was one of them, so I asked him if he had ever been into guys and he told me he was absolutely straight (which later turned out to be a lie).

Because of the difficulties of integrating our lives together after me moving to be with him, we fought a lot and he was incredibly mean and verbally abusive (at times he pushed me around too. At that point I hated him and wanted to get away from him. He would pester me for sex, but I refused because of the way he treated me. I still don’t want to be intimate with him because I have son underlying anger towards him.

A year ago we moved to London and our relationship improved a bit after me establishing firm boundaries – I still struggle with intimacy though (I also struggle with this because I have been raped in the past). One evening my boyfriend came home drunk and blurted out that he is bisexual and wants to have sex with other men. I had a sneaky suspicion that he had a crush on a guy at work and was trying to get me to have a threesome with another guy, which I obviously found as a shock.

The next day we chatted about this and as it turns out he had a year long relationship with another guy (before we got together). I asked him how he managed to have sex with another man and he said that it was very pleasurable and that he was attracted to both men and women, but wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. I felt really betrayed that he lied to me. I uprooted my entire life to move to the opposite side of the world to be with him. I told him everything about my past and gave him the option of leaving if he didn’t feel comfortable with MY past, but yet he couldn’t afford me the same honesty.

I have tried to talk to him about this, but he constantly changes his story and refuses to speak about this. We very nearly broke up.

Then he started talking in his sleep sexually about other men – I heard him say:’I wanna fuck your arse full’ and started nattering about a tall, blonde elegant guy…I was traumatized by this. He was having either a physical or emotional affair with some guy. He denied this flat out saying that I was going mad. I’m really struggling with this and don’t know whether I should hang around.

We love each other and have been through a lot to be together, but I don’t know whether to trust him or not. He has told me that he isn’t gay, but I know I’m running a massive risk by staying with him.

I’m so sad and angry. I have no idea how to deal with this. When I think of him with another man I feel quite disgusted (I’m not homophobic – I just don’t want to deal with this confusion).

He tells me that he loves me, but is this enough?

Ps: This is a wonderful thread and everyone’s input has been thought provoking and intelligent, hence me reaching out to you all. Please help me cope with this. I don’t know what to do and my heart is struggling terribly with this.

Thanks so much
x

bobby+b
9 months 26 days ago

Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.
Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.
The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only”bi sexual”.
Get rid of him and move on

Kim Maria W
1 year 17 days ago

I found out a few years after my ex and I broke up that he was having sex with men and women behind my back while we were together. He contracted HIV 2 years after we broke up from a sexual encounter with a man. He’s been asking me to have unprotected sex with him, saying that I won’t catch HIV due to it being nearly undetectable. I’m not stupid or naive. I told him point blank that I will not have unprotected sex with a bisexual man with HIV. He blocked me on Facebook after saying some really hurtful things to me.