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Your Call: My Husband and I Can’t Compromise on Porn

Fri, Feb 4, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by TheNaughtyAmerican.com

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I have a problem with my husband watching porn. He knows I dislike it; I even gave him and alternative once, me or the porn. I thought he chose me. I have sadly realized that he has been watching it and I don’t know for how long now. We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.

I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque. I feel that if a man is happy at home, then he doesn’t need to cheat or watch porn. If I am not satisfying him in bed then he needs to tell me, not watch porn. I feel that porn in one sense is a form of cheating. Who is he thinking about when we are having sex, me or the girlfriend, me or the porn?

I don’t know what to do. If he is going to continue to watch porn, I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore and he knows this and does it anyways. I don’t know what to do. To check his computer for the porn, would only verify that he is watching it, and in the same it violate his privacy, but on the other hand, I can’t just confront him about it because I am afraid he is going to lie to me because he knows I won’t have sex with him anymore.

Lately I have even turned him down because I suspect his porn problem. He has changed in how we have sex that makes me suspect this. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him again until I know. Then I will wonder if he is lying to me. So what do I do?

– Porn Ultimatum

What should P.U. do?

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58 Responses to “Your Call: My Husband and I Can’t Compromise on Porn”

  1. Handyman Says:

    I think PU and Megs both need serious therepy if they’re not going already. The idea that it’s cheating is nonsense. The studies don’t support it. Masturbating to porn is just fantasy. No different than fantasy football.

    I feel for PU and the trauma she endured but it wasn’t the porn or the masturbating that abused her. It was a mentally ill relative that did that to her. The only way you’re going to understand and heal from that is by undergoing extensive psychotherepy.

    I look at porn and masturbate daily, I’ve never turned my wife down for sex ever. She is a once a month person, but we have it once a week as a compromise. My wife and I are on different schedules so sex is very hard for us except on the weekends. So during the week I masturbate to porn to fill my urge for an orgasm.

    What else people don’t understand is that porn fills a space that keeps people faithful in their marriage. I’ll give you an example. I get really turned on by my wife when she wears control top pantyhose. I love watching her put them on, I love when she wears them to work, and I love having sex with her wearing them. This is something she is not into everytime we have sex. I could very easily cheat on her and find a woman that fills my need of pantyhose on legs. I love my wife and get my urges met with masturbation and the bevy of women on the internet wearing control top pantyhose. Does that mean I want to leave my wife and run off with the model wearing the pantyhose? Hell no. She could probably be a control freak or a lesbian. I am masturbating to her for one thing and one thing only. Her legs in pantyhose. Just fantasy.

    So there is some good things associated with masturbation and porn.

  2. flarn Says:

    “We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.”

    I know for sure that’s what my wife would say. However, it’s not at all a “we” situation. She says we don’t have time and she’s too tired, but she’s always got time and energy to watch a few hours of television every single night.
    You should be grateful that your husband has an outlet for his libido.
    If you can’t be with a partner who looks at porn, you probably can’t be in a heterosexual relationship.

  3. irwin Says:

    I feel so sorry for you . Unfortunately society has mainstreamed this awful behavior. I wrote a book for teenagers that we need to be sharing with young people so they don’t grow up to be like your husband.

    Please take a look at it and then make it the standard for raising your children. Maybe they will end up with healthier and happier relationships. Of course that will be difficult with a porn addict in your home but that’s an issue for you to deal with in marriage counseling.

    The porn chapter starts on pg. 33

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/44437016/Teenagers-Say-the-Darndest-Things

  4. laobai Says:

    Are you the girl in the picture? Porn can be good or bad. It depends, I like watching the beautiful Japanese AV girls and MILF’s for that matter. My wife is a beautiful Chinese but her sex drive is a little lacking and she, like most Chinese girls, is very hindered by thoughts of displeasing her mother. She was taught that porn and masturbation are so bad that these kinds of people should be socially outcast and never trusted, then, she met me, hehe.
    The guilt of it all instilled by her mom and sisters is still there and very strong today. So, what should a guy or girl who enjoys porn do? Well, my best friend explained this way. “if you, (the man)brings the porn into the home she will feel left out and unwanted, but if she brings it in then it’s all OK and beautiful” Maybe he’s right…
    My wife doesn’t like to do most of the things in such movies, no oral, Oh, she wants licked but when it is her turn to give that she is no where to be found, no anal, no top riding, no other girls or guys and no toys, only very vanilla missionary style is tolerable to her. Very boring, so this is what I did, I started watching porn in bed with her touching her but she just never would turn on to it.
    So, then I began to watch and masturbate in bed next to her but in her mind her mother was always right there to see how dirty I was. It got to where I could watch the hot AV girls and when I got really hot finish on her and she was OK with it, but if I masturbated to orgasm she was hurt and felt left out and unwanted. Sometimes bringing yourself to completion is a great feeling that can not be replicated and I tried to teach her how to do it. But instead, the plan backfired.
    Eventually one morning when she was to tired to… I put in my favorite dvd and finished myself off while she slept. Then, after that she felt bad all day and at last that evening she broke and cried so hard for so long and felt like I did not want her. I held her and comforted her and assured her she was everything to me. I mentioned that I fill her needs just fine as they weren’t much, but the porn filled my needs where she left off. In her reality she never would understand, she only knows what her mom would think, unacceptable. She is Chinese and they think differently, but she is still a woman and they think the same.
    It’s even deeper, she is the one who first brought a porno movie home that her friend gave her, it was hot and American, called ‘The Young Like it Hot’. It was very vanilla and a little humorous. But she did not expect me to masturbate through it, I just could not help myself, hehe. I knew from that night she never masturbated or knew what it was or how to use it. So,now, she is still a once or twice a month fuck,the rest of the time I watch the porn and she knows, but she still feels cheated when she catches me or suspects it. She does see some humor it though because she knows she really is as pretty as the Japanese AV girls are, but not that kind of hot under the covers, just warm, so she has come to terms with the fact that even though I love to watch the Japanese porn girls I really still do love her the most because if I didn’t I could just leave and find one of them.
    You should find that realization TOO and not be jealous of the big screen porn girls. They’re not really in your bed, and if he did not watch them how do know what he is thinking. He could be thinking about the neighbor’s beautiful daughter getting off the school bus. And lastly, I don’t know what you look like, the girl in the picture above is beautiful, just like my wife, are you? And even then, there is really nothing to be jealous of, it’s all just for imagination. Are you really that kind of beautiful that he should only be dreaming you or are you fat, ugly and not very hygienic? Look in the mirror and see if what you have to offer is really that good. I’ll bet not. I have had dirty hillbilly girlfriends in my past that were very jealous just like you and I had to dump them. Also, check your birth signs, that can also be a root cause of the problem. Good Luck

  5. Kay Says:

    Saw a really great article on this very subject
    “Why Men Need to Stop Watching So Much Porn”
    http://survivingdating.com/?p=2781

  6. Susanne Says:

    One thing you could do is just see what he’s looking at. It might not be that bad. I found http://FindHisPorn.com works perfectly for this!

  7. Kati Says:

    This is hysterical. “Porn is not cheating.” That is BS, it certainly is cheating. It is another naked woman, and if you can say this is not actually cheating; then you can say a woman having a dating profile and chatting to men isn’t cheating! Whatever! He gets his visual stimulation, she gets her emotional stimulate. I am sure he would hate it. Everyone is so wishy washy, it makes me laugh. If it wasn’t bad, they wouldn’t need to sneak and do it. Reality is, it is a bunch of trashy people and I can’t believe anyone would want their kid growing up to be a porn star. For all the individuals that love this crap, it would serve you right if your child did just that. Then some other perve could watch.

  8. Johnny Says:

    ^ Alright, cheating clearly needs a spectrum definition here. Binary cheating/not cheating definitions seem to be failing.

    So let’s say there’s a 1 to 10 scale. A 1 is a person who never even has erotic thoughts about anyone but their partner.

    A 5 is, say, a peck on the lips from someone besides your partner. You didn’t initiate it, but you didn’t dodge either.

    A 10 is a person who has penetrative sex with someone besides their partner.

    Where would porn fall on such a scale? I’d say 3. A 1 is nothing, a 2 is someone who fantasizes about others, a 3 is someone who watches. Fair?


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