photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Nervousness is likely to work against you when it comes to getting together with someone you admire. Sweating profusely, biting your nails, telling really bad jokes — all unsexy. In other breaking news, the sun is the center of our universe, we need air and food to survive, and Obama can’t actually walk on water… Seriously, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, just be who you are, and remember to take your anti-anxiety meds.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Go ahead, dip that nib in the company inkwell. For once, multi-tasking is all good (unless the person is an Aquarius). Act on it quick before we tell you for the thirtieth time not to mix business with pleasure in a couple of weeks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
So, you want to be in a relationship? Well, that’s all well and good, so long as you’re in it for the right reasons. Defenses like “They’ve got a washing machine,” “They give great head,” “They don’t totally annoy me,” and “They’re not very smart, so it’s easy to deceive them” ain’t gonna fly in the court of commitment — Judge Judy would have your ass for breakfast.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ve got a horoscope right out of Agatha Christie’s imagination this week: Someone around you is not who he or she has been leading you to believe. Ooooh, so mysterious. We’re suckers for those whodunnits with the wide brimmed hats and the sexy British accents. Just don’t be a sucker yourself, or you’ll end up with a knife in your back.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Apparently you’ll be romantically challenged this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dumbass all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like a fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone might be trying to gently steer you towards commitment. If this change in direction causes you to feel short of breath and claustrophobic, and/or brings on panic attacks, then we suggest you back away slowly. If that doesn’t help, then see a doctor — it’s probably just asthma.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can’t oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you’re a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars say you will have no trouble getting what you want this week, but we think that’s a little over-confident. How about this: If you make your move with confidence and grace, then the chances that the object of your affection will find you utterly irresistible are greater than that of you getting hit by lightning while indoors.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Choose low-commitment group activities this week, like bowling or orgies. Take your time before getting involved with someone. Especially if you met them while bowling.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re a spaz, but on you, it works. And it will definitely attract some “interesting” potential partners. But just ’cause we call you “spaz” and use quotes around “interesting” to suggest that all your suitors will be ex-convicts, loud talkers, or Amway salespeople, don’t lose hope. You can have whichever ex-convict, loud talker, or Amway rep you want, lucky duck. Choose wisely.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t mix business with pleasure. Do you hear us? Don’t shit where you eat! (Even if you work with a Taurus.) It won’t work out for you and you’ll just end up in an awkward position. Instead, attend a financial seminar and you will stand a better chance at finding love.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Woah, easy there tiger. We’ve barely even got started with 2011 and here you are trying to cram a whole year’s worth of bun-lovin’ into one week. Think of the big picture: If you pig out now you’ll ruin your appetite and — damn, we lost track of our metaphor in there somewhere, but the gist of it is this: Take it easy, bud. Smoke a fatty, smell the roses, obey the speed limit, etc. Oh yeah, and here’s a tip we heard from a little bird: That hottie you’re so enamored with? Turns out they don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, if you know what we’re saying. And we always mean what we say.