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10 Rules About Geysers, Facials, and Pearl Necklaces

Wed, Mar 2, 2011

Advice, How To

photo by Erica C

There comes a time in every guy’s life when he wants to pull out and impersonate Old Faithful, just for the visual. Or perhaps there come many times. Women, too, may appreciate the visual — just like the hickey, it’s a spectacle (though hopefully not one that your co-workers will spot the next morning).

Facials, in particular, remain one of the biggest taboos — and taboo-busting sex is often the hottest, in that “so wrong it’s right” way. But in some cases, it is so wrong that it is simply wrong. For example, performing an at-home facial without first getting permission.

Coming on a person’s face is a loaded act, like slapping them in the face (which can also be a “nice touch” in the middle of sex, come to think of it). Projectiles aimed at your face — a glass of water, a loogie, a cream pie, a fist — are rarely hallmarks of affection. The above-the-neck money shot is also a staple in porn — making it extra hot for some people, and extra icky for others. In fact, its prevalence in porn is one reason why people averse to cheese don’t necessarily go gaga for the facial. And let’s not forget that a guy’s juice stings like a mother if you get it in your eye.

Of course, not all facials are created equal. Like eating fish eggs, context is king. If you’re an abusive asshole whose mom didn’t love him enough and consequently treat every lover who has the misfortune of crossing your genital path as if she (or he) were a side of beef, then the facial is a true act of degradation. But if you call your mother once a week, are in a mature relationship, and you both are tickled by it, then the facial is an act and nothing more — an agreeable form of role-playing. If you mark your territory because you believe your partner is your property, then you deserve to be evicted without notice. But if you mark the territory because you like the visual, then it’s simply a way to make things more fun without waking the neighbors.

Here are a few guidelines — mostly for the ejaculator, natch — for doing it the right way:

  1. Don’t rush the clean-up like you’re a puppy who just peed on the rug — wipe your partner down tenderly and treat the act as part of the post-coital bonding. If it’s a particularly large deposit, lead your partner by the hand to the shower to rinse off together.
  2. Only tacky idiots and pre-teens attempt to win over a gal by listing a facial’s benefits to her complexion. Semen does indeed contain protein, which can have a temporary tightening effect on wrinkly skin…until she rinses it off in the powder room.
  3. If you’ve never come anywhere but in the condom before, consider building up to the facial: stomach, breasts, back, neck (a.k.a. a “pearl necklace”). Or just ask your partner where you should come.
  4. Remember that ejaculate can spread disease if it comes into contact with any mucous membrane, not just the vagina (i.e. mouth, eyes, open cuts, anus).
  5. If you want to request a facial in advance (so the sex is not imminent and the pressure is lifted), don’t raise the subject at breakfast or during rush hour traffic. Instead, do it over a glass of wine when you’re playing footsie and things are a little frisky. Lean in and say something like, “You’re so sexy, you make me want to do dirty things. I’d really love to come on your face sometime.”
  6. When asking permission mid-sex, just make the request part of the dirty talk: everyone’s more open to suggestion in the throes of ecstasy.
  7. Ejaculate on the face becomes unsexy (not to mention chilly) exactly 2.3 seconds after the last orgasmic shudder. Therefore, never request a facial unless you’ve got a box of Handywipes or a towel on the bedside table. If you only have Kleenex on hand, settle for a pearl necklace.
  8. Guys, don’t complain if you get some on yourself; remember, it’s on her face.
  9. Nothing says “the pretend defilement ends here” quite like a good cuddle.
  10. All of the above applies to women who have the ability to female ejaculate.

This article also appeared in EdenFantasys’ Sexis

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22 Responses to “10 Rules About Geysers, Facials, and Pearl Necklaces”

  1. Johnny Says:

    Two things.

    First, I don’t think “asking permission” ever got anyone anywhere sexually. It turns women off. Facials are a domination/submission type thing, and nothing undermines the dominant role like a wussily asking permission to do something. If she wants a facial (and many women do, trust me), she wants it from a MAN. If you’re not sure how she’ll take it, test the waters with other, less-gross dom/sub type stuff. Pin her arms to her sides when you’re on top. Put your hand on her throat (no squeezing yet). Grab a handful of her hair (don’t pull hard yet). If she’s turned off by those things, the facial probably isn’t happening. But if she’s into it, try broaching the facial in a way commensurate with your dominant role. Tell her where she’s getting it, don’t ask.

    Second, in my opinion, a real man isn’t afraid of his own sperm. If she’s not squeamish about getting it everywhere, neither should you be. After nicely cleaning her up (NOT with toilet paper), kiss her on the mouth. Not a cautious little peck, either. A passionate kiss. Leave her feeling good about it.

  2. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I don’t understand the squeamishness about semen, either. Of course, if you aren’t in a dedicated, fluid bonded relationship, it’s probably not safe. But, in the confines of a good relationship with a fluid bonded partner, there is nothing “gross” about semen. It’s one a normal outcome of sex, and I see it as a lovely product of sex.

    A lot men will ask, “Where do you want it?” Or “May I come on your (face…boobs….butt….belly, whatever) but and although Johnny is right, is is a common occurrence in Dom/Sub relationships, it is also appropriate for exploring couples who haven’t recognized the dynamic of their relationship.

    I know I would feel VERY hurt if My Man though my sexual fluids were “gross” and attempted to prevent them from getting on his face or anywhere else. Semen is no different, and men feel no different about how women treat their seed.

    Our good freind Nina Hartley says in her book, “There’s nothing that doesn’t wash off.” That’s true for semen. I don’t even see the need for a towel or a handywipe (really? Wow, sexy. “Your ejaculate grosses me out so much that I keep antibacterial wet wipes next to the bed.” THAT is degrading to the man, they all produce semen, and drawing attention to the fact that you think it’s icky, gross and germy DOES hurt feelings.) A Puffs of Kleenex will suffice after a facial or a pearl necklace until you get into the shower or wash your face later on.

    I don’t see the deal with why some women have a problem with this. It’s part of your partner, it’s a basic ending to your man’s orgasm. As long as you two are fluid bonded, there is NOTHING “gross” or “degrading” about it.

    There is something uniquely masculine about semen. IMO, women who have a problem with “getting it on them” may need to re-evaluate their attitudes toward how they feel about males in general.

  3. meg Says:

    Asking my permission to come on my face has never turned me off, but thanks Johnny for make sweeping generalizations about women. Just because I enjoy my hair being pulled or being spanked does not automatically mean I want your semen on my face.

  4. Johnny Says:

    If I generalize, Meg, it’s because every single woman I’ve ever “fluid-bonded” with, to quote Mml. L, has requested a facial. Every single one. Even some of my non-fluid-bonded parnters have.

    I also have pretty extensive experience as a nervous and over-cautious lover. I get way better results now as a dominant, aggressive lover. I have more partners (although I’m with just one now), hotter partners, and better-satisfied partners. I’ve gotten lots of feedback from women about how hot it is to be with a man who knows how to take the reigns (figuratively -no pony play here). And I’ve never had any woman leave me for it. Come to think of it, my rate of returning lovers – those who come back for more – is damn near 100%. So yeah, I’m pretty comfortable generalizing.

    But yeah, I realize that it’s not a 1:1 correlation between hair pulling/facials. But it’s not totally uncorrelated either. I’m just suggesting a hotter way to broach this than an awkward conversation.

  5. Dannie Says:

    Sort of synthesizing things here, I would say the topic should be broached before the facial happens, in whatever way, period, whether it’s asking for permission or just giving some forewarning. Personally, I like it rough, and have no problems with having semen pretty much anywhere on my body -except- my face. It’s not that I have a problem with semen, or that I would complain if some landed there from time to time, but having a full-on facial appeals to be about as much as being pied in the face; it’s just not a sensation I enjoy. Plus, my eyes are bad, so I get flinchy when things move rapidly toward my face, which can really screw with the mood. Not every facial is an act of sub/dom behavior, so just broach the topic in a way that is appropriate to your circumstance, but please broach it before just diving in and assuming that because she’s a woman and likes it rough that she’s up for it. And Johnny, I caution you about generalizing, even from your 100% experience stand. The women who are consistently attracted to you are clearly into men who like to “take the reigns” or whatever, but that’s not the case for all of us, even those of us who like to have our hair pulled and be spanked and have semen all over other parts of our body.

  6. Meg Says:

    That’s great Johnny, but again, you haven’t slept with every woman. The women you choose to play with probably have similar sexual interests as you. I don’t like facials – they don’t turn me on, they make me feel awkward. And if a guy suddenly decided to just jizz all over my face and expected me to enjoy it, well sorry to say I probably wouldn’t sleep with him again. So generalize all you want about the women you’ve slept with but don’t lump ALL women in with them.

  7. Johnny Says:

    Word-of-caution duly noted, Dannie. Thanks.

    I realize how some of what I write might sound taken out of context/coming from a random guy off the internet, so let me clarify.

    The reason I do well with women is because I’m good at telling the women who do want me from the women who don’t. And I’m good at making the women who do want me feel safe and comfortable.

    I’m actually an affable, non-threatening and good-humored type of person. But I’m also decisive, selective and sexually bold. For the women who do like me, that’s the sweet spot – exactly what they want in a man.

    The women who aren’t into me never become aware of my more extreme behaviors/opinions. I screen them out (or rather, realize that I’ve been screened out) very early. We never spend enough time together for them to get offened by my views or tastes.

    So please rest assured: I don’t just go around pulling womens’ hair and coming on their faces. By the time I do that there’s attraction and comfort in place, and with those in place I’ve never gone wrong.

  8. Johnny Says:

    In all fairness to me, Meg, I think I’ve made some pretty broad generalizations about men too, you big sexist. ;)

    And yes, I get what you’re saying. I haven’t slept with all women, and not all women like facials. I’ve never actually SURPRISED a woman with one – I always broach the subject verbally first. But I do it in what I feel is a more masculine way than a wussy, “may-I” conversation.

    And yes, I have heard “no, don’t come on my face” too. In which case I drop it. I never pressure anyone into anything. Instead I find the women who actually want the same things I do.

    Which raises the question: how could my facial rate be so damn high? Could I possibly have figured out a way to tell the women who want facials from the ones who don’t, before I even sleep with them?

    The answer is no, it’s not that – it’s that WAY more women want dirty sex than would ever admit to it!

  9. Johnny Says:

    Oh shoot, I must have missed/selectively ignored #6.

    That’s all I’m sayin’.

  10. Dannie Says:

    This kinda makes me lol, because I think we’re all actually saying the same thing. It’s all about attraction/what you like/don’t like. Nobody is expecting everyone to like things one way or another, and no one is telling anyone they’re wrong for liking what they do. We all just have different types of experiences and preferences of our own. I think we can all confidently say that everyone here agrees that some form of communication respecting both partners’ desires must take place before facials, but why limit it to facials? Don’t we feel that way about any sexual act, or non-sexual act, for that matter? Good communication is going to happen in ways that are compatible with the personalities present, which means it’s going to be different for everyone, but it should happen. That is all. I’m going to be done now.

  11. figleaf Says:

    Maybe I’m missing something but I’ve never seen the appeal of withdrawing on the brink of orgasm just so I can wank off in mid-air?

    I mean, if pulling out feels better than, say, intercourse or fellatio then you are doing it so wrong Dr. Kinsey would be rolling in his grave.

    Tip #1: they didn’t start making porn stars do “money shots” to maximize their enjoyment.

    Tip #2: yeah, it’s so much more “domineering” to give yourself a half-baked orgasm that your partner can easily towel off.

    I’ve done it experimentally, and I’d do it again if a partner asked me to. And based on past experience with a massage partner dripping warm oil on my skin I can imagine it might be nice not only to watch but to feel your partner splashing on your skin when he came. But ask a partner if I could come on rather than in her? Not in a million years.



  12. figleaf Says:

    I’m just selfish that way, I guess. :-)


  13. Rose Says:

    Best part of this whole thing: “I don’t just go around pulling womens’ hair and coming on their faces.” Funny!

  14. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Figleaf, again, this is a personal preference. Since we use withdrawal as a birth control choice, My Man is used to “pulling out” and does so during any type of penetrative sex, in any orifice about 50 to 99% of the time (50% mouth and backdoor, 99% PIV)

    He likes it. If he feels he wants it “warm and wet and encased” that can be worked out, too.

    Variety is the spice of life. :)

  15. figleaf Says:

    @Madamoiselle L,

    Oh totally a personal preference thing! And based on the cleanup, hygiene, and fertility issues I can see the receiving partner making the request for withdrawal. The premise of Em & Lo’s post was that only the penetrating partner would make the request and that’s what I was balking at.

    As I said I’ve done it and would do it. But I’ve never enjoyed it even remotely enough that I’d want to do it without being asked.

    Actually you raise a good enough point about fertility issues that I think maybe if the ejaculating partner should be making requests it should be a request to ejaculate inside his partner, rather than the reverse.

    Hmm…. thinking… thinking…

    You’d still need to communicate clearly about where the ejaculate would go, and for that Em & Lo’s list would be perfectly applicable.


  16. JenH Says:

    Personally, I’m not a fan of facials and my husband could care less, but we both enjoy the some of the other areas(breasts/stomach).

    @Figleaf, for us, it’s not a matter of pulling out, but usually the result of some naked mutual gratification via blow or handjob.

    You’re right about pulling out during intercourse. For me that kind of defeats the purpose of intercourse unless you are using the pull-out method like Madamoiselle L.

  17. Jess Says:

    I like dirty sex. I like rough sex. I like almost all sex. I like “dominating” sometimes and sometimes I like being “dominated.”
    But facials? I just don’t really get the appeal. I think it’s mostly the thought of it getting so close to my eyes and potentially in my eyes–not sexy.

  18. mark kinnear Says:

    just lick it off her – she will at least appreciate it over throwing her a towel

  19. Larry Says:

    I’m just amazed at how well written these comments are. I might just have to come here more often and forget about the ESPN website.

  20. Larry Says:

    …and, for the record, I LIKE kissing a woman after I’ve climaxed in her mouth or on her face. And most like that I like it.

  21. Steeeeve Says:

    “There comes a time in every guy’s life when he wants to pull out and impersonate Old Faithful”

    You lost me in the first sentence. Your writing style is over the top.

    “Like eating fish eggs, context is king” What the f***??? Learn to write.

    And no, I’m not going top ask permission in the heat of the moment. I’m going to aim it at her face and she can either move out of the way or stay there. THAT’S how you ask.

    You feminazis all want romance but no deviance. It makes sex boring and mechanical. No wonder men are plugged into porn all the time.

  22. carl bent Says:

    Guys if you think a girl is hurtin for a squirtin as they say, or she is simply one of those gals that would look sexy with a face full of cum aka cumfaces, then she is probably worth pursuing first as a girlfriend that you just hold hands with and kiss, then later have sex with. After love making has become a normal and routine act in the relationship you can then use this fantasy as a term for one of the regular negotiations/compromises every relationship will experience or face. Like when the bond becomes more long term and she wants you to join her to meet the conservative and overprotective/extremely judgemental family. You can then use this opportunity to tell her how extremely nervous and uncomfortable you are with this (even if you are not) because you are so worried about them not liking you. If she builds it up by telling you how important it is for her family to like you and adds that they hated all of her ex’s then the ball is in your court. You have a lot of recourse here. You can pretty much get her to do whatever you want in exchange for your temporary discomfort. Now should you ask her just for her face to come on? Hell freaking no!!!! Like in every negotiation, aim high, hope for the best terms, but be prepared to settle for something less so everyone can walk away happy. Therefore you should be going for the allmighty ass to mouth here. Tell here that you like to get freaky and be dominant sometimes as it makes you feel powerful when your woman is submissive and allows you to degrade her a bit in the bedroom. Even if you don’t really like the idea of having your girl blow your poo tainted cock and unloading your seed down the back of her throat because it is kind of gross and you might actually lose respect for her if she did this, go for it anyways. Here is why: Ass to mouth is probably the most humiliating and demeaning thing you could do to this poor girl and she knows this. So if she does not get upset at you for asking this of her, she will probably nervously laugh. As if you are joking. You then immediately say just joking either way but I would love to give you a “money shot” after regular/non anal sex. Meaning you get on your knees or go down on me right as I am about to bust and open your mouth and say Ahh with a soft and relaxed juicy tounge so I can shoot a rope of cum in your mouth and all over your face. Tell her how you used to really get hot watching Peter North porno’s because of his monster loads and the female stars willingness to take his load in almost every scene he ever did. Even cum dodgers would take a shot from the North Pole. Christy Canyon, the most famous cum dodger of all time gave in one day and swallowed him during a threesome scene with some other slut. Say you always dreamt of being Peter North and having a beautiful woman allow you to do this to her. Or tell her that you want to see if you can do it like him or even better than him. Tell her that you never had a girlfriend willing to let you try, even if it is not true. She will be motivated first by the fact you will be willing to meet her family. She will be motivated further by the idea that she will be giving you something you have never had by any other girl. It will have the same effect of her thinking that she is your first fck. If she says no to that then settle or act like you are just settling for a facial then. As if she is getting the better deal and you are just settling. She will then have no choice but to accept or simply believe that you would object to meeting her family if she chose to deny you this benefit. Still though believe in your head that she will allow you to shoot in her mouth eventually and watch a Peter North Cumpilation with her anyways. Chances are she has never seen such an act or even a porno for that matter. If she is not a total freak herself then she probably has not really watched much porn. Maybe once or twice but it was probably pretty soft. So introduce her to that world. Show her how normal it is to have a mans cum in her mouth. Show her how sexy and respectful it can be. Make sure the woman is not trashy looking, and if possible more beautiful and classy looking than her. She will feel humbled by the visual at this point. She may even think that swalling or tasting cum will make her become more attractive by default. I so wish I would have done all this with my first girl. She was a total cum face but felt like she would be doing something immoral as she was a devout catholic. Just don’t give up. There will be opportunity. Just remember though, the first time she does it will literally be the best orgasm you have ever had. My wife let me do it. I did it to her because she came home late and drunk and was being super annoying. I was already annoyed that she stayed out with her girlfriends late without calling me until it was time to pick her up. So I told her to open her fucking mouth and it was a ball shaking orgasm. I litterally felt like I was on cloud 9 and the good fuzzy feeling lasted for a good hour afterward. Best orgasm ever. We tried it again a few times afterward and I could never get that same feeling back. Maybe it was the anger/punishment/my good little wife turning into a raging cum guzzling whore without any notice or explanation. The suprize element maybe? Maybe use the facial or oral money shot as a punishment vehicle for your girl coming home drunk and late after girls night out. That may be the moment you have been waiting for as well.

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