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Comment of the Week: Advice to Fakers from Someone Who Feels Your Pain

Wed, Mar 2, 2011

Comment of the Week, Confessions

I totally feel your pain. I have never been able to orgasm with my boyfriend of over a year (the only guy I’ve slept with) or on my own. It can be very disheartening. One thing that is especially irritating is the way so much advice is worded. “You know you’ve gotten to the big O all by yourself girlfriend, so just make your man do that to your hoo-hah during when you get down and dirty!” The advice sucks as much as the writing (which is a lot). But it seems like there are a lot of women like us.

However, the difference between you and I is that my boyfriend knows I never have [climaxed], and trust me, it’s a weight off your shoulders. I think you really need to sit down and have a talk with him, or you might end up doing what I did: bursting into angry, frustrated, acutely embarrassing tears in the middle of sex. It is unpleasant and isolating and ultimately harmful to your relationship to not tell him about it. That said, do it very delicately, and be really honest. Tell him why you were afraid to…well, tell him. Tell him why you fake it. Tell him that women are a lot more complicated than guys physically (sad but true), and you don’t think he sucks, you need a little more work to be understood (and to understand yourself). If he does take it the wrong way, keep emphasizing that it’s nobody’s fault and that you want to work on the issue together.

I think a big first step, after telling him, is figuring out the root of your orgasm problems. I recommend the book The Elusive Orgasm. I recently got it, and it at least helped me figure out why I can’t orgasm. It also has ideas on how to fix each problem. Like the previous poster, for me, it’s mental stuff. And once you know the problem, you can start trying things to fix it in a way that fits you.

I know it’s insanely hard, but don’t think, “Okay, I’m going to try this thing and I’d damn well better have an orgasm this time.” Try to think of it as FUN, which sex is supposed to be. Think of it like you’re trying out a new (sexy) game, with someone you love.

If you don’t think you have any mental hang-ups… there’s probably a good chance you’re not getting enough clitoral stimulation. I didn’t used to get how important that is during sex; I found it irritating that I have to do a bunch “extra work” to feel as good as I wanted to. My advice is, do the extra work. Use your hands, his hands, a vibrator, whatever. Don’t stay in a position where you can’t do either of the three for more than a few minutes. Even though I can’t orgasm, it makes sex SO much more pleasurable.

Best of luck. I know it’s really, really hard. Get the support of your boyfriend, get a ton of clitoral stimulation, and be nice to yourself for being complicated.

Lexi, responding to the post “Your Call: I’ve Been Faking Orgasms with BF for Years”

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