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Your Call: My Guy Is Too Fat for Sex

Fri, Mar 25, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I genuinely have the most wonderful guy in my life. We were high school sweethearts who found each other again 20+ years later. Obviously I wouldn’t be writing you if there wasn’t a problem, so here it is: his weight prevents us from having intercourse, and it bothers me more and more as time goes on. Sexually he is amazing to me otherwise.

It didn’t actually occur to me early on that we would have this problem, and then when I did realize it, I believed it wouldn’t be a problem for long because he had lost 60 pounds in the previous 6 months. But it’s a year later and the weight loss stalled.

After 14 years in a miserable marriage and losing 50 pounds myself … well, I would really like to have “traditional sex.” But his weight (and difficulty maintaining an erection, even with ED medication) prevents me from successfully pulling off woman-on-top. And the final difficulty for me is that I feel unsure how to pleasure him to orgasm other than oral sex, and that kind of gets old when I feel that’s my only option. Got any advice? How do I talk to him about this?

– Weighed Down

What should W.D. do?

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12 Responses to “Your Call: My Guy Is Too Fat for Sex”

  1. Johnny Says:

    60 lbs in 6 months is amazing. And you lost 50 lbs yourself. That must have taken a tremendous amount of work and discipline. Congratulations to both of you.

    Sounds like a great guy who just needs to lose a few pounds. Nobody likes their fatness pointed out, and this will bruise his ego, but have you tried just telling him that you’d like the weight loss to continue, followed by some positive reinforcement?

    Do you or he cook around the house (I mean real food, not box food)? Do you both exercise? How’s the portion control? I’m not a doctor, but’s my theory that someone with a couch-potato lifestyle AND a desk job should be eating very little.

    I’m sure you’re both on top of all those things, having lost so much weight already. But I know that it’s easy to stall out on exercise and diet regimens. They get monotonous, especially when you plateu in your gains.

  2. mr l Says:

    The reverse cowgirl won’t work here ? which is really the same as doggy style. It is said that guys love this one, and I for one, like the reverse cow girl.

    I have heard that women don’t like the doggy style because it is demeaning, (no eye contact) but guys like it so it should help with ED.

    Broach the subject of anal play ? You may or may not find that P spot play really sparks things up. You can wear latex glove or finger cots… as an option !

  3. Nic Says:

    OK, I hate to make weight a values judgment, but in some cases it is. We all want to be with someone who takes care of themselves, not just for our sakes, but theirs as well. Health has to be a personal priority in order to maintain quality of life, and both people in a healthy relationship should share those same values to the extent that they both require to make them happy. I.E., I am a vegetarian and run half marathons. I don’t require that my partner be a non-meat eating runner, but I do require that my partner be a healthy eater and active so that we can enjoy the same restaurants, go on weekend hikes together, etc. and eventually, enjoy an active life together into old age. It sounds like you have made a commitment to your health, and maybe he did as well but either has given up or never initially shared your values towards improving your health and your life.

    I agree with Johnny that it’s possible his weight loss has stalled — it’s very common. However, you HAVE to have the conversation with him about it, including how it is affecting your sex life. Are you going to wish you had told him he was too fat in 10 years when he’s diagnosed with heart disease, Type II Diabetes, or another lifestyle-related illness? As part of that conversation offer to get a personal trainer together and split the cost, join a fitness club together, or maybe make a goal of running a popular 5K in a few months together (big races are good to start because there are TONS of slower runners and walkers, so nobody should feel bad about when they finish). Give him some phone numbers to refer him to a doctor and nutritionist. There’s a lot of bad information out there, and it’s important that he not only hear the hard health facts from you, but from an accredited specialist as well.

    Bottom line — you want to have sex in multiple positions and ways that are satisfying for you and him, AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. If he can’t meet that need, you are never going to be fully satisfied in your relationship, and you should not feel forced into continuing a relationship that is not 100% satisfying for you, regardless of whatever obligation you may feel. Your happiness is important to your well-being too.

  4. Johnny Says:

    By the way, I think the best exercise for just about anyone, but especially for really big people, is swimming. It’s low-impact, water-cooled and offers both support and resistance for your body.

    Running might not be the best idea for a really big guy. It’s hard on the knees. And falling off a bike could be a disaster. I’d say a combination of weight training and swimming, if it’s possible, would be ideal.

  5. Jay Jay Says:

    Hmmm…my guess is that the W.D. doesn’t need weight loss/fitness advice on this web site. In fact, she might not even need it all seeing as both her and her man have had very impressive results in the past.

    In terms of motivation – everyone finds it within themselves, but with regards to the sex positions you’re wanting to try, could the two of you watch any porn together for ideas? Or maybe purchase a sexual positions book that might stimulate a few naughty suggestions…if he can get turned on by some of these new ideas, he might begin to realize that changes need to be made in order to accommodate your new exciting sex life! It is astonishing how the possibility of sex will encourage a man!

    In the short term – I’m a little surprised you don’t have more success with woman on top. It’s been in my experience with larger guys that them on their backs allows for a little more versatility (you can manipulate the skin and any fat areas a little bit better on the back). Are you able to have him on his back and lift up the problem areas so you’re able to maneuver how you want to? Or his ED preventing him from having enough for you to even maneuver on from that angle? Also, keep in mind that with big dudes like that, their penis size increases with weight loss. I also like Mr. I’s advice about anal stimulation as a means to pleasure him…I have had guys say absolutely not and they won’t even consider it, but I always asked them if they will do it to me, I will do it to them, just a finger, and if they let me do it one time, and they don’t like it, then I won’t ever bring it up again. That seems to be a very nonthreatening way to broach the subject, makes them feel like they’re getting something out of it for themselves. Plus the fact that we’re BOTH doing it, seems to eliminate the silly “gay” concerns that always seem to arise around this conversation.

    In terms of other means to pleasure him, I’m not sure of your options (allowing anal yourself is always an idea), perhaps just adding spontaneity will help! Road head, jerk off in the shower, encourage mutual masturbation, etc. can all be short term fixes till his body is capable of more.

    Good Luck!

  6. Nic Says:

    Obesity can directly affect erectile dysfunction by lowering testosterone levels. Testosterone is the primary sex hormone in men, and it plays an important role in both libido and sexual function. Indirectly, obesity contributes to other diseases, such as hypertension, that are known factors in erectile dysfunction. The penis needs a sufficient supply of blood in order to become erect. Once engorged, the vessels need to close in order to maintain the erection. Hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol and heart disease all contribute to erectile dysfunction by adversely damaging and constricting blood vessels and affecting the way blood flows in and out of the penis. It is possible to reverse the effects of obesity and obesity-related diseases with diet, exercise and, in some cases, drug intervention. Obese men with health issues should consult with their physicians before attempting any diet, exercise or weight-loss program.

    Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/28041-can-being-overweight-cause-erectile/#ixzz1HfUG7E6i

    So yes, weight loss is part of it. Not just for sex, but for his long-term health.

  7. weareallfromearth Says:

    One position you might try is you lying on the edge of the bed, so that your back is horizontal and your hips are perched on the edge of the bed, with your legs off it and your feet settled on the floor; he can then enter you standing up, and if height is an issue you can raise yourself up with a couple of pillows so that your hips are at the right height.

  8. Jenn Says:

    Would a sex swing help any in this situation? Or any other piece of positioning furniture?

  9. Debra Says:

    Why not just say “honey your weight is keeping us from doing everything we could be doing in the bedroom and what can I do to restart or boost your weight losing abilities?”

    Until the weight comes off…nobody will be happy!

  10. danielle Says:

    I just started dating a larger man myself, so this question has lingered in my mind. I’m very sexually attracted to him, but I wonder how his weight will affect his performance. I’m a highly sexual person that enjoys the many different aspects of sex. I hope that it wont be an issue. I’ve been seriously contemplating how I will handle poor bedroom performance. I really like this guy and want us to begin a relationship together. I hope you were able to find a solution.

  11. henry Says:

    This is something I’ve always wondered about. I’m straight so I don’t have any interest here, but I’ve seen guys in the showers at the local health club that have made me wonder how the hell they do it with their wives.

    I’m in my late 50s. I don’t have a gut, but I’ve noticed that in the last 10 years or so, the small weight gain I have put on has affected the visible length of my penis. (Hiding maybe an inch.)

  12. lisa Says:

    i also am dating a pretty big guy that i would love to explore different sex postions with, but everytime we try they dont work.i love doggy style but i cant do it with him because his belly gets in the way and it hides some of his penis.he blames it on me and says it because i dont put a big enough arch in my back but i kno thats not the case because in previous relationships ive never had a problem.he is a great guy its just my first time being with a guy so big.i dont want to cheat and have sex with someone else so i try to tell him about his weight in a nice was but everytime i say something he gets all sad and says he gonna work out and do better.he gives GREAT oral and if we do have sex i have to get on top or if he get on top he has to hurry because he puts all his body weight on my legs and they start to cramp.i love this guy and do want to be with him plus i am currently 6 months pregnant with our first child.its just so hard to stay when i love sex and cant get it how i want it all the time.i love oral sex but i wanna feel the deep hard penetration sometimes to…….HELP ME PLEASE ANY ADVICE


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