It’s happened to all of us: You meet someone charming, intelligent, miraculously modest, well-off, and, most importantly, smokin’ hot. The evening finally comes when you will seal your budding relationship with a full-body kiss. You’re eager with anticipation and expect nothing less than sheer bliss. But then your new partner’s tongue attacks you like a leaping lizard’s would a fly. The situation worsens when you discover they are similarly inept in every other way of love: no moves, no subtlety, no tact.
Many people in this situation have bitten their tongues and not expressed their frustrations because they were too cowardly to speak up. They either loved them once and left, or they simply settled. No doubt, they believed they were being polite in sparing their partner’s feelings, but actually they were shirking their civic duty to impart sexual wisdom to their bedmates. Citizens of the world, it is your responsibility to leave a lover better than you found him or her. Only you can prevent abominable sex.
Of course, no one thinks they leave anything to be desired in bed. There may be some who are insecure about their oral abilities or the number of positions and orifices in their repertoire, but everyone thinks they at least have a firm grip on the basics. Everyone believes they are a good kisser. With amorous activities that are considered an acquired skill rather than an innate one, giving and getting instruction is expected — encouraged, even. However, to criticize someone’s sexual style? That’s like telling them they laugh “incorrectly.”
Unfortunately, that is exactly what the decent among us must do — in the nicest possible way, of course — in order to undo years of bad bed habits, or at least to teach them how we like our sex. First, though, we’ve got to be sure that we’re not mistaking sexual fascism for sexual education. We are all individuals and thus have individual tastes. So you’ve got to distinguish between a partner with all the wrong moves and a partner who simply performs the moves in a unique order. If you’re sure your motivations are indeed philanthropic, you may venture forth with a clear conscience.
First, create an atmosphere of positivity by telling your partner all the things you adore about them, from their modesty to their ironic mullet which only they can pull off. Then tell them that you don’t quite feel the same connection when it comes to the carnal, but that you’d like nothing more than to work on generating such a spark. It would be a breech of tact to accuse them of being a lousy lay; instead, take inspiration from the television pop psychologists of the world and employ “I” language. As in, “I really need X, I really like it when you do Y, I was hoping you could ever so gently stick your Z in my O,” rather than, “You’re doing it all wrong.”
In addition, speak in specifics and positives, that is, “Oh my god, that one thing you did when you swirled your tongue in a figure eight over and over was wicked awesome,” rather than, “For the most part, you suck at giving me an orgasm.” But if something is very wrong, do not be a martyr and say nothing; offer kinder, gentler criticism along with practical suggestions.
Don’t cover everything at once; work on such delicate issues in stages. Play little games that save the sex but spare the ego. One night, focus on activities that provide lots of skin-to-skin contact without requiring sex — like a full body massage. This provides an opportunity to enjoy your partner physically without fretting that they will ruin it once the sex commences — and it gives them a lesson in sensual finesse. On another night, you could announce that you would like to play “Do As I Do”: You kiss or touch them in the manner you wish to be kissed or touched, and they follow suit. Be sure to offer positive reinforcement when they do well. You might also suggest masturbating in front of each other so your student can watch and take diligent notes.
Throughout these lessons, you can turn dirty talk into instruction — and vice versa. However, you’d do well to remember this is not your own personal vagina monologue: Have your partner tell you what he or she desires and needs too, lest you come across as a sexual tyrant.