photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This is week is going to kick ass for Aries everywhere! It’s Lo’s birthday on Saturday so she’s slipped the stars a twenty to make sure they shine and smile down on all of us Rams this week. After years of writing these damn horoscopes, that’s the least they could do for us.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re interested in an asshole. Get over him or her and move on. Have a nice day.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. Or those really tight pants that are in style (god help us). If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ve been laying the foundations for weeks; it’s finally time to lay some pipe. Go get ‘em, tiger!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Robert De Niro has made like five hundred movies. And do you ever hear about his love life? No. Well, of course you hear the rumors about his fondness for black hookers with “special skills,” but you never hear about something truly special, long-lasting and meaningful, something that might make the cover of Us Weekly. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy . . . in the romance department, at least. Don’t make the same mistake this week: be a contender in the ring of love.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We’re so sick of these cheesy, formulaic Hollywood-machine movies with their pat lessons on love and life: Follow your heart, Julia Roberts insists toothily. Sneee-bullshit-eeeze! In real life, that’s exactly what leads to being left at the altar with a bun in the oven and no money. Think with your head this week. Hell, think with your willie/weegeena if you have to. Just be sure to ignore your heart.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your independent and confident approach to life will attract any lover you want this week. Choose wisely and it could turn into a long-lasting relationship. Choose poorly and you’ll spend an excruciating evening hearing about the nasty fungus infection your date contracted at the public swimming pool. But look on the bright side: we don’t think fungus infections are contagious.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you wouldn’t buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart sex consumer and shop around for the best deal out there.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
There’s nothing wrong with playing the field. You’ve been training hard and you’re at the top of your game. Just make sure everyone is playing by the same rules.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll want to get out and party this week. Hell, don’t we all? If you’re going to be pissy-faced to all your co-workers and too hungover to get any work done because you raged on a school night, you may as well make it worthwhile. So go some place you’ve never been before. If that’s shaking things up a bit too much for ya, at least visit your local hangout on a different night (we hear Tuesday is the new Thursday) so you’ll encounter a different group of regulars.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Normally we hate to resort to cliches when it comes to telling your horoscope (ahem). But this week, nothing says it better: getting laid will be like shooting fish in a barrel, as long as you get out of your La-Z-Boy and interact with a few people. And hey, if you’re really that lazy, we know a phone number or two you could call to get laid right in that comfy ol’ chair.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things. If you wait, you could very well be on the receiving end of a conversation like this.