photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s a fine line between role playing and asking your partner to be someone they’re not. Don’t cross it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This is a much better week to charm the pants off someone figuratively than it is to take them off literally. Restraint should be a value for you this week, not something you use to tie a hottie to the bedpost.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Not to freak you out or anything, but the soulmate clock is ticking, the Jeopardy theme song is winding down, the hotties are all pairing off, it’s less than two months ’til prom, and YOU DON’T HAVE A DATE. You can’t afford a night in; put those drinks on the credit card and paint this town red.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you really miss The Bachelor. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Remember back when it was considered dorky to be a homebody with a functional family life and parents you actually liked? Now that everybody’s all growed up, your family values are a selling point (except when you say “family values,” you don’t mean “whose stupid idea was suffrage, anyway?”). If you feel a “special bond” (as your grandmother would call it) with someone this week, invite them home for tea.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Libra, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Damn them!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars say one night stands are in your future. We’re not going to judge whether this is good or bad. Just be sure you’re as safe as can be.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
There’s a snake charmer in your life who’s playing you like a, um, whatever instrument snake charmer’s play. They’ve got you mesmerized, hypnotized, doing silly little dances, treating you like a circus animal instead of the sex animal you are. Have some dignity: grow a spine and some limbs and walk away.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Take a chance this week — we’re, like, 99 percent certain you won’t get hosed for it. A blind date may lead to great oral, a neighborhood function may lead to a “swinging” time, a new pizza topping may spice up an otherwise mundane Monday night at home. Just in case we’re right, make sure you keep a clean house (both genitally and literally). And may we suggest trying pineapple on your pizza? It’ll flavor more than just your ‘za, if you catch our drift.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Do you find yourself putting off calling the person you’re dating? Do you tell him or her white lies about your whereabouts? Do you go out, get shitfaced, and end up doing it in the public bathroom with a near-stranger while the person you’re seeing is home writing you love letters? Well, have we got the pill for you! It’s called “Integria,” and it’ll help you grow some balls and break it off with the person who’s obviously not right for you — guaranteed!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.