aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Observe the person you’re interested in, because the more you know about them the easier it will be to seduce them. A calculated approach will work wonders for you. Note to sick bastards: The preceding is not permission to eavesdrop, read private emails or diaries, spy with binoculars, sneak into apartments, rifle through underwear drawers, or otherwise stalk.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
How can anyone resist you when you have so many interesting things to share? An antique vibrator collection, the ability to turn your tongue upside down, an encyclopedic knowledge of Britney Spears’ career. Take a look around ‚ÄĒ okay, take a really good, close look (in hobby message boards if you have to) ‚ÄĒ and you’ll soon discover that you already have a number of potential partners with similar interests and like-minds to choose from. You all deserve each other.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t put too much emphasis on wanting to be in a committed relationship. The more you do to please yourself, the more confident you will appear to others and the more likely it is that you’ll find true love. Yes, we’re talking about masturbation.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t be too quick to pursue someone who is playing hard to get. Play hard to get yourself by playing Boggle or basketball or hide & seek with someone else. Game playing: It’s what’s for dinner!
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Step up to the podium and be entertaining and you will be sure to entice a number of interesting partners who are intent on winning your heart. This may mean karaoke. It may mean entering a local air guitar competition. It may mean running for office. Whatever it is, just get up there and make an ass of yourself ‚ÄĒ love (and embarrassment) will surely be yours!
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re hotter than Georgia asphalt, hotter than Paris Hilton’s vocabulary, hotter than the earth will be by 2100, when the ice caps have melted and all the coastal cities are underground due to global warming. You should be able to attract all the attention you want this week. Then again, maybe you just have a fever.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will win someone’s affections by being attentive and letting your feelings be known. The time is right to get serious. So don’t crack any jokes, not even that funny one you heard on The Daily Show. Be earnest and austere. Sometimes having a stick up your butt can be sexy.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Stop worrying about being in a committed relationship. Take it slow and have some fun. Figure out what you need and want, not what someone else needs and wants from you. But if what you need and want is a pony, well then, you’re shit out of luck.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t go chasing love like a hyper dog, humping its leg every chance you get. No one likes a dog humping their leg (unless they’re a bit touched in the head). No, let love come to you first, let it slowly approach you and sniff your butt. You’ll be humping each other in no time.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re single, so mingle! Eat some dip and Pringles. But don’t hum commercial jingles. If you’re bilingual in the languages of English and love, soon you’ll meet someone who’ll make you tingle. Okay, no more rhyming now, we mean it. (Anybody want a peanut?)
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t let anyone back you into a corner or you may end up in a vulnerable position…like, um, in a corner with nowhere to turn. Avoid corners this week.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll feel wild and passionate. Your body language will speak for itself…unless you have a limp. In that case, you should just speak for yourself. Either way, you should get a wild and passionate response in return.