photo (not of the author, for the record) by MShades
Mike Sacks is one fifth of the hilarious Association for the Betterment of Sex, the cabal behind the book Our Bodies, Our Junk, which we wrote about last year. So we weren’t surprised in the least to discover how much funny there is in Sacks’ own book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason. It’s a collection of 54 short humor pieces, many of them written in collaboration with the other members of the ABS, amongst others. The essays include everything from “Rules for My Cuddle Party” (“#1: Please do not give birth in the hot tub.”) to a bridegroom on Twitter (“Attempting to fist-bump rabbi”) and icebreakers to avoid (“This party reminds me of 9/11″). To give you a taste, we’re excerpting one of the essays here in full…
Reasons You’re Still Single
You . . .
Own a 60-inch flat-screen Plasma television, but sleep on a broken futon
Have a ferret on your shoulder, and you’re at the mall
Own tie-dyed gym clothes
Once took a night course on improving your oral sex technique
Only feel truly alive in the Renaissance Faire jousting area
Have your “lucky” anal beads hanging from your rear-view mirror
List “Dungeonmaster” on your business card
Hug amusement park mascots
Own a “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself” T-shirt and the “Not” Has Faded Away
Will do anything for “shits and giggles”
Display with pride your framed degree from bartending school
Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your electric car
Perform yoga in parks
Have a dangerously high Thetan count
Bring your camera to Happy Hour
Sleep with only a shirt, Porky Pig style
Refuse to drink any beer that has not been “beach-wood aged”
Have had something on your face since the late ’90s
Use the word “scrumptious”
Can only make love while blasting “Orinoco Flow” by Enya
Favorite pickup line: “Hi, I once beat to death an elderly deaf man.”
Have ever taken a date to a restaurant with license plates and antique rakes on the walls
Consider yo-yo tricks a wonderful way to break the ice
Define wearing an umbrella hat as your “calling card”
Carry an NPR “Fresh Air” tote bag
May 12th, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Ooh, I’ve got some!
For dudes: … because you refer to women as “bitches” or “ho’s”
For women: … because despite saying you want a man, you have a really lame attitude toward dating and flirting and sex.
June 5th, 2011 at 4:58 pm
If you have to consider why a person is single than they are obviouisly going to be a drag anyway and they aredoing it out of desperation and pestilence even the ones giving others the reasons why they are single. Judge yourself as well as others.
June 7th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
If you own a cat and more then one is really bad!