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Reasons You’re Still Single

Thu, May 12, 2011

Books, Pop Culture

photo (not of the author, for the record) by MShades

Mike Sacks is one fifth of the hilarious Association for the Betterment of Sex, the cabal behind the book Our Bodies, Our Junk, which we wrote about last year. So we weren’t surprised in the least to discover how much funny there is in Sacks’ own book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason. It’s a collection of 54 short humor pieces, many of them written in collaboration with the other members of the ABS, amongst others. The essays include everything from “Rules for My Cuddle Party” (“#1: Please do not give birth in the hot tub.”) to a bridegroom on Twitter (“Attempting to fist-bump rabbi”) and icebreakers to avoid (“This party reminds me of 9/11″). To give you a taste, we’re excerpting one of the essays here in full…

Reasons You’re Still Single

You . . .

Own a 60-inch flat-screen Plasma television, but sleep on a broken futon

Have a ferret on your shoulder, and you’re at the mall

Own tie-dyed gym clothes

Once took a night course on improving your oral sex technique

Only feel truly alive in the Renaissance Faire jousting area

Have your “lucky” anal beads hanging from your rear-view mirror

List “Dungeonmaster” on your business card

Hug amusement park mascots

Own a “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself” T-shirt and the “Not” Has Faded Away

Will do anything for “shits and giggles”

Display with pride your framed degree from bartending school

Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your electric car

Perform yoga in parks

Have a dangerously high Thetan count

Bring your camera to Happy Hour

Sleep with only a shirt, Porky Pig style

Refuse to drink any beer that has not been “beach-wood aged”

Have had something on your face since the late ’90s

Use the word “scrumptious”

Can only make love while blasting “Orinoco Flow” by Enya

Favorite pickup line: “Hi, I once beat to death an elderly deaf man.”

Have ever taken a date to a restaurant with license plates and antique rakes on the walls

Consider yo-yo tricks a wonderful way to break the ice

Define wearing an umbrella hat as your “calling card”

Carry an NPR “Fresh Air” tote bag

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

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3 Responses to “Reasons You’re Still Single”

  1. Johnny Says:

    Ooh, I’ve got some!

    For dudes: … because you refer to women as “bitches” or “ho’s”

    For women: … because despite saying you want a man, you have a really lame attitude toward dating and flirting and sex.

  2. Cecelly Says:

    If you have to consider why a person is single than they are obviouisly going to be a drag anyway and they aredoing it out of desperation and pestilence even the ones giving others the reasons why they are single. Judge yourself as well as others.

  3. lisa lou Says:

    If you own a cat and more then one is really bad!

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